John S. Sommer Counseling
  • Home
  • Qualifications
  • Location
  • Photos & Essays
    • Photos
    • Essays >
      • The Entertainment Director
      • Fathers and Daughters
      • Reframing: The Art of Looking Deeper
      • The Incredible Absorbing Man
      • The Little Old Man Stuck in My Head
      • The Lobster Tale
  • Links
  • Contact Us
  • Blog
  • Sound Bites

All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.



How To Change Everyone Else

8/2/2016

0 Comments

 
I am reminded of the excellent cartoon that shows a person standing at a bookstore counter. He looks down the aisle and asks the clerk: “I’m sick of reading self-help books. Where can I find the books on how to change everyone else?”
                                                                                           *
The mother brings in her 14 year old son to the counselor and laments that she can’t get him off his lazy ass to do a single chore in the house. No shoes, no shirt, no service: that's her kid. It’s him and his Xbox 360. Period.
 
Another woman is concerned her marriage is teetering. Her husband of twelve years is tired after work (she works too), and plops down to Fox News and a handful of brewskis on a nightly ritual. No talkin’, no laughin’, no nuttin’. Sex? Seems a stretch.
 
Junior is pissed that his divorced parents aren’t worth much. His Mom works, and returns to her self-made nasty house. Bad mess and it smells bad too. At his Dad’s house, Pops caters only to his (third) girlfriend’s kids he recently moved in with. Junior is relegated to the tiny add-on bedroom with questionable internet connectivity.
 
So counselor, what you gonna do? Although there exists some minor, temporary relief in sharing our miseries, I would prefer to provide an extra degree of assistance. After the temporary minor relief of misery sharing, I may ask for their assistance. I’ve plumped up a little in the last twenty years or so. So I request, “I need to de-porkify myself  somewhat. I want you to make me lose weight. Not much, maybe twenty pounds or so. Do it to me; make me lose weight. Please.” Once they stop looking at me like I’ve popped a screw, I ask them if it’s possible. The obvious answer is no. They may toss out diet ideas, but I try to stay focused on the point: make me lose weight. No can do. This is directly applicable to a great many situations counselors work with. The real answer is that it is a great sum of effort to make changes in our own life. To base our happiness or successes on making others change is a life of frustration and helplessness.
 
So you ask (well, actually, I’m asking), should people give up on trying to improve the home, their kids, their spouses? Absolutely not. We should however work at changing ourselves in order to show the way to others. Examples based on the above samples:
● Xbox Boy: Mom: “Your time for gaming will be based on the completion of a couple of chores. You have two more days of no-chore vacation. After that you and I will put together a small list of things I need done each day. At the completion of them, I’ll hand you back your power cord.” Expect some resistance, and perhaps a minor shit fit or two, but thirty minutes of trash taking, dishwasher unloading, bed making, cat box cleaning, etc. is easily worth some hours of mindless video entertainment.
● Brewski man: Her: “sweetheart, we sure have become boring and sedate as we’ve gotten older. I’d like to add an activity for us during the week, and one on our weekend. What sounds good to you? Bowling? The movies? Listening to some live music? Any ideas?” Him: “babe, I’m worn down after work, and I just wanna suck on some suds and watch the news.” Her: “OK, I understand. So I hope you won’t object to me adding some more to my life. I’m going to do all the above, at least for a while. I’d rather have my man (him) with me, but I really need to improve myself, and I hope this will help.” Then you do it. With friends or solo. You lead the way with self improvement and you increase the odds the spouse may get inspired. Or perhaps worried his love is having fun without him. Regardless, she is actively working at improving herself.
● Junior: “Well, obviously, I can’t count on my bizarro parents to guide me to a happy life, so what can I do to improve myself? I don’t want to play high school football, but you know, getting in to some solid weight lifting would make me look pretty good. I’m going to ask the coach if I can work out with the team after school. Also, having an adult to visit with would be good. I’m going to see if I can find me a counselor. I’ll start by asking our school counselor who she’d recommend, and go from there. I’m going to take charge of my young life as much as I can and stop waiting for my parents to make my life better.”
 
Making improvements in our lives is a fair amount of work. Making short term plans rather than huge, lofty ones increase the probability of success and some self satisfaction. Going to a counselor to help a situation? You should be prepared to try a few new things yourself if your intention was to really improve things, even to help to change others.


Subscribe to John S. Sommer Counseling - Blog by Email


0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral
    Hey John Advice
    Other Stuff
    Parenting
    Relationships
    Semi Personal

    Picture

    About the Author

    I did NOT like writing stuff in school. However, now that it's voluntary, I like it. I'm still working on that attitude of mine.....

    Subscribe to John's Blog by email:

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


    Facebook

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral
    Hey John Advice
    Other Stuff
    Parenting
    Relationships
    Semi Personal


    Archives

    December 2021
    September 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015


    All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.