John S. Sommer Counseling
  • Home
  • Qualifications
  • Location
  • Photos & Essays
    • Photos
    • Essays >
      • The Entertainment Director
      • Fathers and Daughters
      • Reframing: The Art of Looking Deeper
      • The Incredible Absorbing Man
      • The Little Old Man Stuck in My Head
      • The Lobster Tale
  • Links
  • Contact Us
  • Blog
  • Sound Bites

All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.



My Son Ain't No Nazi.....Hopefully

9/6/2018

0 Comments

 
Hey John,
Many years ago I saw a harsh movie: Sophie’s Choice. In it the nasty old Nazi’s made a mother decide which one of her young daughter’s was going to live, and which one they would execute right there. She was horrified, but finally chose to save daughter #2, so they killed her and let daughter #1 live. I am in a situation that is sort of like that.
 
I am married to a good man. I have three grown children, but my 22 year old son is the big problem. He had been in and out of juvenile detention when he was younger. Now that he’s on adult probation (drugs and assault), he wants to come live with me. Every time he moves back in, something goes really wrong. Last year he stole some of my jewelry, and pawned two of my husband’s expensive guns. About eight months ago, he got into a fist fight with my husband and beat him badly. He broke his nose, knocked out some teeth and tore his ear. He is now back on drugs and has no place to stay. He’s pleading with me to move in with us. He tells me he’ll “be on the streets and dead” without us. In our town, there is no homeless shelter. He tells me he will be dead in a few weeks if we don’t let him move in.
 
I love my husband, but I also love my son. I feel like I can’t just abandon him and maybe have him die. How do you stop loving your child and just watch them die? I don’t know what to do.
Sophie
 
Dear Soph,
You are certainly in a pickle. However, the problem really isn’t your son- it’s you. I have had to ask more than one parent with a difficult choice to make regarding their child: “Are you doing this to help out and protect your child, or are you doing it because you are scared that they will be mad at you?” Maternal (and paternal) feelings are powerful; however, not helping your child because you are scared is not maternal. In this case it would be choosing fear rather than your child. I would continue delaying your proclamation to him for a few days (him sleeping outside is rarely deadly) while you work quickly to do the following:
  1. Find out if there are shelters in your town or in nearby cities. Write down their names, addresses and phone numbers.
  2. Locate treatment centers nearby with the same info.
  3. Pack him a half a dozen well wrapped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to hold him over. Toss in a couple of tasty Hostess cupcakes while you’re at it.
  4. Give him a list of your research, the grub and a kiss on the cheek.
 
As you have stated he is on probation, he is either not showing up (aka: absconding from probation), or he just hasn’t given them a dirty u/a yet. Either way, using while on probation always ends badly. This isn’t Sophie’s Choice my dear, as you are not being forced to choose one over the other. In this case you can be a devoted wife and a loving mother at the same time. Overcome your fear and take care of both these men in your life.


Subscribe to John S. Sommer Counseling - Blog by Email


0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral
    Hey John Advice
    Other Stuff
    Parenting
    Relationships
    Semi Personal

    Picture

    About the Author

    I did NOT like writing stuff in school. However, now that it's voluntary, I like it. I'm still working on that attitude of mine.....

    Subscribe to John's Blog by email:

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


    Facebook

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral
    Hey John Advice
    Other Stuff
    Parenting
    Relationships
    Semi Personal


    Archives

    December 2021
    September 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015


    All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.