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All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.



The Gender In The Blender

12/16/2021

3 Comments

 
Part One
Let me tell you right up front I kinda lied. The distressed mother was calling to see if I was a suitable to counselor to work with her 14 year old daughter. She asked me, “do you work with pansexual teenage girls?” Well, as I work with all teens, my answer was “yes”. Fortunately, she did not quiz me, “do you know what pansexual is?” Right after I got done talking with her, I jumped online to see what in the hell she was talking about. So here I am, a few years later, still trying to digest the 64 different sexual classifications.
If this seems like an irrelevant subject, it’s could be because you don’t have much contact with 5th to 9th grade kids, particularly girls. However, as a counselor, I do. The prevalence of gender confusion is rather shocking. We can debate the cause of this strange phenomena, but it’s important enough that we should skip directly into what to do about it. So there are a number of ways to approach this topic. I am picking two: as a normal person living in this strange world of ours and as a therapist (and father).
As we probably know, most kids are not sexually developed in 5th grade. Some weren’t too developed in 7th grade either (see: John’s First Jr. High School Trauma). So to declare, and typically with some degree of pride, that you are pansexual, nonbinary, cis, or many other new labels is, at the very least, not accurate. Or absurd, depending on the environment. This is a relatively new phenomenon, and potentially troubling. As kids, particularly young girls, are sensitive to their place in the world, they are inadvertently labeling themselves in a manner that will affect their social existence. Add to that a new layer of family dysfunction and discord, and the troubles are mounting. All of this to just “make a statement”. In 6th grade, boys are still generally idiots in front of girls. Girls are usually better company for girls. The lack of interest in boys is now being misinterpreted as being non-heterosexual. THEN, as if it couldn’t get any weirder, schools are adding to the mix by being scared of being labeled prejudiced, so they may allow kids to change their name to a made up, “non-gender” name. “West, Roux, Painter, Robot” are a few snappy examples. Some colleges are perhaps leading the way by allowing kids to demand they be addressed by a pronoun. “They, them, their” are a few. Add the newly made up ones such as “xe, ze, sie, co, and ey” and we have a new language of silliness.  With the support of the gay community (hereby referred to as the G+ community, as it’s too difficult to find each letter on the keyboard), and now lack of support really gets labeled as prejudiced.  *sigh*.
Is it a temporary trend? Does it foretell a grim future for the normalcy of the U.S.?  Who knows? The real question is, what can we do to help our children in these challenging times? Now we switch from a somewhat disgusted parent to a therapist.
Continue with Part Two.
  
Part Two
It is our duty (and privilege) to raise our children to be remarkable human beings. Through joyous times and trying times, we should attempt to be what our child needs. So, in addressing this one issue, I try to be empathic, understanding, but not cowardly. In situations such as these, our kids need to not create such a hostile environment that we lose our focus on being credible to them. Keep in mind what you should already know by now: Telling our kids that they are flat out wrong does not convince them to change their minds. So then, how do we help to guide them? 
As much as it seems to be a waste of time, letting them talk is immensely helpful. When what is rattling around in our head is put into words, we often will get another way of looking at things. When a kid is feeling listened to (which is not often), their defenses are softened. At the same time, mentally clarifying our position to ourselves (which also is not often) helps in giving our child something to consider rather than to merely argue about. For example, is our point, “YOU ARE NOT POLLYWANNACRACKER SEXUAL!!” or is it, “when we are in 7th grade, it is premature to declare what our sexual preference is. How would we know so early in life?” They don’t have to agree, but know that you have just planted an important thought in their soft little head. Or, “why loudly proclaim what you feel your sexuality is? If some 8th grade boy went around school proclaiming, ‘I’m not a gay guy, I only like women!’ would you consider him a loud mouth? Our perceived sexuality is a private affair, not something to be advertised.” In this manner, the kids have much more time to figure out their place in the world.
Considering that our child may be different than us increases the likelihood that they won’t make a decision based on merely an angry attitude. Where it is possible our child may truly be gay (or G+), as it is estimated that 2% of the population may be, we must guard against contributing to a hateful home environment that may increase the odds that our child is making decisions based on angry emotions rather than on mature decision making. With control, love and dedication, we can firmly but respectfully disagree with our child without pushing them away into a dark and lonely corner.
These are certainly strange days, and it’s important that we pass the test of not pushing our child away when they need our guidance and direction. They might be making us crazy, but we need to be their rock.
  
John S. Sommer
Licensed Clinical Social Worker  
12/21


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3 Comments
Kristina Crawford
10/13/2022 02:06:09 pm

I’m blown away with your way of wording things each and every time. Gender non-conformity is my existence and I have strong feelings about it starting with the fact I am 35 years old and just now truly figuring out who I am on this plane of identity and self expression. This is after spending my entire life trying to figure out who I was. Being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder that is especially challenging and not all of us find out. I’ve spent years trying this and trying that. Do I fit this? Do I fit that? Nothing feels right. Nothing makes me feel comfortable and confident in knowing who I am as a human being. That’s when I began diving into the new identity umbrellas. The last year especially has been about fine tuning myself to actually know myself. Does that make sense? I should know my own self by now right? I have a daughter that will be an adult in two years and my baby has this one last year before she is a teenager and here I am raising kids while in a sense raising my own self too. What a journey this has been and I have made about every wrong turn possible to find the right way for me. Anyways, back to gender identity. I’m going to attempt to summarize a timeline to the best of my dyslexic adhd abilities. I was always different. I looked different. I acted different. I thought different. I never fit in no matter how desperately I tried to follow the crowd and be accepted. I had attraction to girls and boys equally and it was never one or the other. It was both. When you grow up in a community like Hamilton though it’s into you that you are only supposed to like the opposite. I tried to deny it but it never went away. Tried to pray it away even. That didn’t work either. Tried different types of churches. No. Still not working. What is wrong with me? I was being molested and at school I was bullied relentlessly. At 17, I came out as bisexual and didn’t know there were more than 3 options and that being bisexual was actually an umbrella for many more detailed options. I met transgender people, trans species identity, extreme body modification crowds, I was just learning everything I could. I have an identity in here somewhere. In my late 20s I finally understood the difference in bisexual and pansexual. Bisexual is split between two genders. It doesn’t include transgender, gender queer, androgyny, absence of gender identity, etc. I realized that anatomy was irrelevant in my attraction to someone. I don’t care what gender someone claims. I’m attracted based on chemistry and connecting on a deep level. Then I went a step further to understand the difference between gender assigned at birth and gender identity. The majority of the human race identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth. However, sometimes a person is born with genitalia that doesn’t match their gender identity. They actually look in the mirror and see one gender but then are confused and scared because they have the opposite genitalia. I don’t believe in children transitioning. I think truly figuring out if that’s what is best for you takes growing up. Going through puberty. Graduating high school and getting out into the world to actually find yourself. Then you can figure all of that out. I’m a super rare identity that is complicated with subtypes and umbrellas. No wonder it took me over 30 years to find it! My true identity that I feel the most authentically me is an androgynous/ gender non conforming/gender queer. That means I don’t conform to one gender or another if any gender at all. I prefer to just simply be a human. I was female at birth with female genitalia but I do not live in perfect alignment with my gender at birth. Some days I’m very masculine and others I want to wear pretty dresses and be all girly. Get my nails done etc. some days I just throw a mix of whatever I am comfortable in and go with it. It could be a fancy dress with skater shoes 😂🤷‍♀️ It goes way deeper than that obviously but I could write a book on it. Next part of my identity is realizing monogamy has never worked for me. I have always been open to the idea of being in relationships with more than one person at the same time but didn’t know how to become ethically non monogamous until the last few years. Google search “Kitchen Table Polyamory” to learn about how my dynamics work. I have multiple relationships but they are all different and not all are intimate. Some are strictly emotional bonding. Some or more about the chemistry in intimate settings and others are more of a balance. Everyone knows about everyone and we take pride in regular doctors visits for routine testing. Communication is on a whole different level entirely than anything I have ever seen and the lack of jealousy fascinates me. Trust, communication, healthy boundaries etc are required. How much of my daily life

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JULIE Sanchez-Cadena
12/29/2022 09:08:15 am

I'm so confused with it all . I love my kids no matter what they want to be . Cause when God made Adam he was both . And then made women from the rib . But not really ... If that makes sense . Kids are so confused today . We just have to be there to guide them

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John
12/29/2022 09:59:32 am

Well said. "Guide" is the key word. Being afraid to help our children is to leave them afloat in a sea of weirdness and uncertainty. Worse yet (which I have occasionally observed in my counseling practice) is to advance your own agendas through your children. Being cool and "enlightened" is just one of those potential agendas. Helping your children to feel important and listened to while simultaneously providing proper direction in their lives is a great combination of love and devotion.

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    All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.

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