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All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.



The Imaginary War With Dear Crabby, pt IV

8/23/2018

2 Comments

 
Ok  y’all, let’s have a little talk here. I could make an additional career criticizing a millionaire “advice” columnist. Out of fairness, most issues she writes about are pretty lightweight, and she does ok. But the reality is, if your opinion is important to someone and carries some credibility, you are obligated to not let your own bias’ or personal preferences color your advice. More directly, you need to not be a knucklehead and screw somebody up. “For instance?” you might ask? Well folks, this is Crabigail’s column from August, 2018. Excuse the paraphrasing, but I’ll try to be accurate. Go ahead, sit down. Don’t read this while you’re driving.
 
Dear Ms. Crabby,
I’ve been married to my husband for 28 years. My (female) friend has been married for 30. Recently she gave me a soft kiss on the neck. I didn’t respond, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Can two straight women jump ship and fall in love with each other? Oh, Obi Wan, please help me. Tell me what to do.
Kissee
 
[Crabby’s abbreviated  response]
Dear Ms Kissee,
Yes, people of the same sex can fall for each other. I can’t tell you what to do. “Much will depend on what she has to say…..”
_________________________
 
[Sound of brakes slamming on: screeeeech!]. WHAT did you just say? Is that some mutated misprint? Ok Crabs, for the sake of equality, let’s change the genders around. “My film director came over and gave me a sloppy kiss on the neck. He knows how long I’ve been married. Is it ok for me to fall in love with him? Crabby, does he seem like a good guy to you? Should I leave my husband and kids for him? I sure could use your most important guidance. Do you think “much will depend upon what he has to say”?
 
So Jeannie, aka Dear Crabby Jr., at least consider this:
 
Dear Kissee,
At what point do we surrender to temptation? What did you teach your kids about using drugs? What about early sexual activity? Did you try to instill principles to help them make conscientious decisions? Was it something like, “son, if a meth pipe appears at a party, you’re going to be faced with a decision. Should you just turn and leave?  Should you use because other people are? Or use because you are tempted? We all face some tough decisions in our lives. I hope you make decisions that are consistent with your beliefs.”
 Or something like that.
It seems like when Crabby addresses  Kissee’s same-sex question, perhaps she thinks that taking a position might be viewed as anti-same sex. So instead you advise her to wait until hot lips makes a decision about her? Most people make more competent decisions when they make them their selves.
You might want to also suggest that she have a little “needs love” discussion with husband of 28 years. She doesn’t have to bust hot lips, just have a loving talk with her husband. I’d hate to think that after 28 years, my wife and I couldn’t have meaningful discussions with each other. If she wants to jump the fence with neckkisser, she’s got lots of time to do it. Let’s try some problem solving first.
 
So Crabigail, it shouldn’t be all about the money. You may be pulling in a bunch of cash, but it is supposed to be about helping people. You don’t always have to be people’s moral compass, but you’re sure as hell not supposed to do harm. Some letters may be light and simple, but some are life-changingly serious. My unsolicited advice is add some people to your staff who have their feet squarely planted on the ground. Then you can get some additional ideas to consider. Either that or take your inappropriate big bucks and retire. Then do what your mother should have done and retire the name too.



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2 Comments
Tim from Cali
8/23/2018 09:04:45 pm

I've been waiting for this installment. I only started reading Crabby to prepare for your responses and I was floored by that letter. I think you have been too soft on Crabby. The marriage: 28 years, great husband, good relationship. The temptation: out of the blue curiosity (never curious before). The response, utter failure to challenge or even mention trust, commitment, investment, momentary amusement and consequences. To the contrary, it seemed Crabby was saying go enjoy the amusement park if you want. Is it she was afraid of being called a homophobe and so failed to raise the marriage 101 questions. Your response gets to the nub of it. What are your values? and will you follow them? Keep up the good work.

Reply
John
8/26/2018 10:24:24 am

Thanks. If I gave out advice like this in my private practice, I would have been out of business thirty years ago. J

Reply



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    All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.

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