Teen Social Issues I
9.25
Hey John,
I haven’t seen your column in a while. Are you still around? Hoping that you are; I need an idea or two from you. I am the mother of 4 kids, ages 5-15. I am happily married and my husband and I do a pretty good job with our children. I am concerned about my 15 year old daughter. She’s bright, generally well behaved and a pretty good student. However, she had become very isolated in her existence. She is not interested in extra-curricular activities at school. When she gets home, she wants to live in her room with her phone. We monitor her phone for inappropriate sites, but she has still become more and more isolated. I fear for her eventually living a solitary existence, like an old woman with a house full of cats. Am I over dramatizing? If not, what can I do to help her?
Midwestern mom
Dear MM,
Without meaning to minimize your concerns, welcome to the seemingly new world of teenagers. We can debate the origin of the prevalent social isolation: cell phones, post covid, single parenting, electronic babysitters, etc. However, it may be none of the above. Clinically, we should rule out depression. Although I recognize the problematic massive over-prescribing of anti-depressants to teens, the least we can do is check for vitamin deficiency. Vitamin D – or rather lack of it can be a major contributor to depression. Considering many teens lousy dietary habits as well as their non-sunlight indoor activities can lead to a deficiency in vitamin D.
In my years of working with teens, I have noted that some personality characteristics can be misinterpreted. A quiet, not very verbal child may look depressed or angry or unwilling to communicate. I have been surprised that what I initially interpreted as a disinterested 16 year old boy, who would rather be anywhere than with me, was quite willing to continue to come in. Although I would do a majority of the talking, his parents reported an improvement in his “attitude” at home. So, can counseling help, at least somewhat? Yes, but I feel strongly that the parents should meet with the counselor to routinely provide important information to the counselor and to determine whether he/she is a good fit for their child. So let’s get down to the nut crackin’:
* Parents should always have cell phone rules such as monitoring the frequency of use (at least to a certain degree) and rules about when the phone should be turned off. Provide a convenient “charging station” away from the child at night.
* Regardless of the lack of enthusiasm, have our kids participate in family activities. This can be cooking a meal together, bowling together, playing putt-putt golf, or Sunday movie night with some regularity. These activities provide a gently “forced” social interaction. Use your creativity to plan events. Do not be too disappointed if our child is not very enthusiastic about participating. Don’t get mad at your challenged kid, just lovingly stick to your guns.
* Recognize the differences between your kids’ personalities. Parents often have the challenge of one or more of their children that they have a hard time relating to. So what? How good of a parent do you want to be? Learn to adapt.
* Don’t forget about the vitamin D thing.
Even when it seems like our parenting is falling short, dedication, hard work, good role modeling and love have the deepest impact on the future of our children. You might get discouraged, but never give up. Ever.
John S. Sommer
LCSW
9/25
9.25
Hey John,
I haven’t seen your column in a while. Are you still around? Hoping that you are; I need an idea or two from you. I am the mother of 4 kids, ages 5-15. I am happily married and my husband and I do a pretty good job with our children. I am concerned about my 15 year old daughter. She’s bright, generally well behaved and a pretty good student. However, she had become very isolated in her existence. She is not interested in extra-curricular activities at school. When she gets home, she wants to live in her room with her phone. We monitor her phone for inappropriate sites, but she has still become more and more isolated. I fear for her eventually living a solitary existence, like an old woman with a house full of cats. Am I over dramatizing? If not, what can I do to help her?
Midwestern mom
Dear MM,
Without meaning to minimize your concerns, welcome to the seemingly new world of teenagers. We can debate the origin of the prevalent social isolation: cell phones, post covid, single parenting, electronic babysitters, etc. However, it may be none of the above. Clinically, we should rule out depression. Although I recognize the problematic massive over-prescribing of anti-depressants to teens, the least we can do is check for vitamin deficiency. Vitamin D – or rather lack of it can be a major contributor to depression. Considering many teens lousy dietary habits as well as their non-sunlight indoor activities can lead to a deficiency in vitamin D.
In my years of working with teens, I have noted that some personality characteristics can be misinterpreted. A quiet, not very verbal child may look depressed or angry or unwilling to communicate. I have been surprised that what I initially interpreted as a disinterested 16 year old boy, who would rather be anywhere than with me, was quite willing to continue to come in. Although I would do a majority of the talking, his parents reported an improvement in his “attitude” at home. So, can counseling help, at least somewhat? Yes, but I feel strongly that the parents should meet with the counselor to routinely provide important information to the counselor and to determine whether he/she is a good fit for their child. So let’s get down to the nut crackin’:
* Parents should always have cell phone rules such as monitoring the frequency of use (at least to a certain degree) and rules about when the phone should be turned off. Provide a convenient “charging station” away from the child at night.
* Regardless of the lack of enthusiasm, have our kids participate in family activities. This can be cooking a meal together, bowling together, playing putt-putt golf, or Sunday movie night with some regularity. These activities provide a gently “forced” social interaction. Use your creativity to plan events. Do not be too disappointed if our child is not very enthusiastic about participating. Don’t get mad at your challenged kid, just lovingly stick to your guns.
* Recognize the differences between your kids’ personalities. Parents often have the challenge of one or more of their children that they have a hard time relating to. So what? How good of a parent do you want to be? Learn to adapt.
* Don’t forget about the vitamin D thing.
Even when it seems like our parenting is falling short, dedication, hard work, good role modeling and love have the deepest impact on the future of our children. You might get discouraged, but never give up. Ever.
John S. Sommer
LCSW
9/25
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