Sometimes I take some chances by sharing food for thought with some people I know who are beginning work in a potentially toxic environment. A recent example was an attorney friend who was moving up into an office where only results mattered. Not fairness, or consideration, or even honesty at times. I had high regard for my friend, even though our general philosophies seemed different. I never heard back from my friend, but I hoped he/she was not unduly affected by the new harsh environment. Me? I don't want to turn into no stinkin' absorbing man.....

          Early in my career I was a bartender (arguably my first counseling job) at my family’s bowling alley.  One of the afternoon cocktail waitresses, Cynthia, came  in with an unusually bad attitude.  In between slamming her purse and other articles down, she told me her seventeen year-old son had accidentally shot himself in the leg while in the custody of the State juvenile system.  She was furious that this wilderness program had been so irresponsible in letting kids handle loaded guns.  I was equally amazed and disgusted.  What kind of juvenile detention system could be so stupid?
 
          Cynthia had a wealthy boyfriend with whom she flew on trips every weekend in his private plane.  Coming from a rather poor background, it was an incredible treat for her to fly each weekend.  Her son was incarcerated in the northern part of the state, making it a four or five hour drive for her to see him.  We took a break in our cussing the foolish state juvenile system to plan a change of schedule for her.  When I asked her if she needed to leave today (Monday), she told me that Bill was going to fly her up there on Thursday.  That miserable rescheduling chore cancelled, we continued our tirade about the juvenile authorities until I left for my commute back home at 6 pm.  An hour later, as I got out of the car, anxious to share this incredible story of negligence with my wife, a wave of nauseated disbelief washed over me.  For the past eight hours I joined my co-workers in blasting the juvenile system, and never, not once, did it occur to me:  What kind of a mother would know that her son was shot through the thigh and wait four days so she could have a convenient flight rather than immediately drive to see her injured son?  I was so horrified at what had happened to me, I put my hand on the hood of my car for support.  I was dizzy with horror:  I was becoming my environment.  Eight hours a day, five days a week I worked with people who were transforming me—or rather, I was allowing them to transform me into one of them.  By not thinking independently, by not weighing my values, morals and even merely my individual tastes, I was absorbing my environment.
 
          In the years that have followed, I have noted many environmental influences.  You can go to a conference and be surrounded by people who like to “play” when they are away from home.  You can work a job that everyone does the bare minimum of what is expected.  Rather than providing leadership and inspiration for your family, you could surrender to an “every man for himself” environment and have no family unity, activities, or even time together.  The only defense against becoming an Incredible Absorbing Person is to know what’s important to you.  Know what’s right and live your life accordingly. 

John S. Sommer
​Licensed Clinical Social Worker

A little background is due here. A few years back I was approached by our local online newspaper to write an advice column. The pay was acceptable (zero), and the newspaper editing was relaxed. Thus began my brief stint as a columnist. 
This particular letter was notable because rather than trying to keep from getting a divorce, the wife desperately wants to improve her marriage. Although this application requires some concentration, the principle is simple: most of us need to change our  marriage transmissions from an automatic to a manual. 
                                                                                                                                                                          

​Hey John,
Am I being unrealistic in my marriage? We have been happily married for eight years, have two children, and are talking about a third. I know our current and future years are not still the honeymoon period, but I find myself a little less happy than I thought I'd be at eight years. I am the center  of our family, and "George" is a less enthusiastic person. He comes home from work and has less patience with the girls than he should have. I notice the kids gripping about each other in the same manner he does. We share chores better than most couples, and he's a good provider. However, he is less and less expressive about being with me. The lack of a warm greeting when one of us gets home is one example of a sad change. I don't need advice on saving my marriage, but making it better. Am I looking at our future: more and more drab? Despite it all, I still love him with all my heart.
Amarillo Annie
 
I have to make an assumption here: y'all planned on this marriage being forever, and not just until you bugged each other too much. When we first begin courting each other, all the special stuff comes effortlessly. Dressing up for each other, going out of our way to please the other, basically working to make the other person know how special they are to us. Then, as our life together progresses, we slip into normal/mindless mode. We stop greeting each other with a loving embrace and kiss, happily making little sacrifices for each other; in other words, we stop trying to impress each other. Years ago, when my daughter got a new(er) car, she had to make the transition from a standard transmission to an automatic. Rather than being pleased with the ease of driving, she expressed her concern: "Daddy, this is kinda boring. I don't know what to do with my left foot [the clutch] or my right hand [the gear shift]. I just hold onto the wheel and it drives itself."  It's the opposite order with our marriages. We're on automatic in the beginning by trying to make the other person happy. Then, later, we change to a manual transmission; we have to manually change gears with a little bit of effort. So what's the problem? If it doesn't come naturally, we don't do it.
So specifically I'd recommend having a friendly sit-down with each other. Rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong, you can remind them of how much you look forward to seeing him, and you would love to be met with a loving kiss (even a light kiss is better than a wave from across the room). Don't be scared to lead the way. Sometimes we boys need loving reminders of how to take care of our girls. Without being overly demanding, help him to remember how to look out for you. Plenty of older couples lead "normal" existences  as  good roommates. Personally, I'd rather try to at least infrequently  impress my girl.