I had just received an inquiry about the legitimacy of my advice column. The timing of the question was perfect, as I had just read this ridiculous response from Dear Abby, Jr. My reaction first, followed by response.......
OK, I have a confession to make. After reading a recent "Dear Crabby", she gave a potential diagnosis of "asexual". It had been so long since I had heard the term, I had to look it up. I kinda remembered it from when I was 14, when the biology teacher was talking about asexual reproduction of some kind of critter. I clearly remember that  all of us had to stay after class due to our somewhat disruptive behavior regarding a term we now dearly loved. I guess Dear Crabby loved it too. Tune in tomorrow. Be there, or be an amoeba.
 
Hey John,
How do you think your little advice column compares to the real columnists like Dear Abby? You seem to be more “down home”, but hasn’t she been an advice columnist for fifty or eighty  years?
 
Dear Crabby is now Dear Crabby Junior, with her much-younger-than-she-was semi-hip daughter owning the name. Not to mention she makes a lot more moola on her column than I do. Sometimes she’s on, and sometimes she off. But you know, you owe it to the public not to be massively off the wall. I don’t go around lookin’ for fights, but this bizarro piece of advice got my toes tingling.
 
So here’s the contention: a lady writes Crabsville complaining that her “masculine” husband of four years is only “having sex” twice a month with her. They are both early forties. She goes on to say, “I don’t want to cheat, but I’m afraid I eventually will if my needs aren’t met”. Crabs responds by saying, “he appears to have very low sex drive, or he may be borderline asexual.” If you try some counseling or sex toys, and it doesn’t work, “you will have to decide if you are prepared to live with the situation as it is.”
Yow! That seems a little strange. Borderline asexual? Maybe time to cash in your chips? Is this really advice? Call me old, or call me old fashioned (just don’t call me late for supper), but I still think marriage is supposed to be about true love, a presumption of permanence, mutual respect for each other, and that ol’ for better or for worse promise thing. If not, why’d you get married in the first place? So Crabbington, Jr., let’s revise that odd assessment and “modern advice”. How about this to consider:
 
Dear Needs More,
First you need to review why you married this man. “I don’t want to cheat” should never be used as a threat, or even in the deck in the first place. Review your love, loyalty and commitment to him. Secondly, a loving couple should look out for each other. You might want to consider having a talk with him with a few ideas (logically a checkup first). He, on the other hand should we willing to forgo pride or embarrassment and help his true love anyway he can. A competent doctor’s appointment could easily determine low testosterone levels, and is dealt with pretty easily and very commonly. He needs to get over any machismo about asking for help, and you need to re-learn commitment and loyalty. If anyone suggests an off-the-wall diagnoses like “asexual”, you might seriously question their expertise and judgment. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why couples get out of sync in their love life. Therapists are listed everywhere online, and some have customer ratings. Y’all work like a loving dedicated couple on solutions and always take care of each other.

Hey John,
I don't write a lot, so I will make it short.
I am unhappy because LIFE SUCKS.
Will it always suck?
 
Dear Suckee,
Your question is too short to figure out what the issues are, so I'll have to guess. Dead broke, no job, fights all the time at home, car trouble (or no car), living with your parents, her parents or with friends? If you are totally dependent on others for your survival, life usually does suck. Many people I know blame everyone else for their woes, thus lessening the burden of personal responsibility for their own lives. I try not to base all my counseling advise on the million songs rattling around in my head, but sometimes I can't help it. I refer you to George Thoroughgood (of "Bad To The Bone" fame):
 
♫ Get a haircut and get a real job
Clean your act up and don't be a slob
Get it together like your big brother Bob
Get a haircut and get a real job ♪
 
In other words, make a reasonable plan to improve your life and begin. A positive, and hopefully not overwhelming plan may involve: finding a job, getting affordable housing, get transportation, including a bicycle, don't smoke or drink up your moola, be a loyal and loving mate and work consistently at improving yourself would help to de-suckify your existence. Or do nothing and you'll always have lots to complain about.

Hey John,
I've got an employment problem. In my town where finding a job can be difficult, I have a double-job problem. I have been working for a man who I owe a lot to. He has been a big help to me for a number of years. However, I have no benefits. I have just been offered a job by a company who is offering me benefits. I could really use insurance for my family. The pay is about the same. But my leaving will put my current employer in a fix, as we are in the middle of a job. Any ideas?
Not Jobless
 
Mr. Job,
Wait. I'm sorry. I'm kind of in a ecstatic stupor over here. If I read your letter correctly, you are troubled by the increasingly rare and wonderful issue: the L-word. Loyalty. Lucky you, and lucky anyone you work for. To not just walk away from someone who has helped you should be standard behavior, but unfortunately, it's not.

I agree with you that this is a dilemma. Providing properly for our families is a priority. Thus, taking a good job with insurance for the family is the thing to do. However, I don't know what the family obligations are, thus I don't know if part two is possible. Is it possible to work a double shift for a while? Or perhaps some long weekend days with your old job in addition to your new hours? If it is possible, even with temporary extreme effort, to not desert someone you owe a debt of gratitude to is also the way to go. Additionally, modeling good behaviors is the best way to pass on the gift to our children. You sound like you would be a good man to know.
 

Hey John,
You know, I'd be fine if my daughter decided to just be a lesbian. These guys nowadays are such pigs, she'd probably be better off just sticking with a girl. When I told her that, she blew a fuse and walked out the door. Do you think she’s homophobic? Am I too “hip” as a Dad? What do you say?
SOTR
 
Dear HipDaddy,
I’m going to have to address this issue in two parts: The Behavior of 21st Century Males and To Be Or Not To Be (Gay). Is That A Question?
 
Part One: 21st Century Males
 I have heard story after story from disappointed females about pig-like behavior from males. What do you think about a guy going out with a girl on a first date and offers her money to stay longer? How about one who rips her phone out of her hand so he can check her texts and Facebook? How about a young husband who gets physically threatening when he’s drinking, which is every weekend. Notice I’ve left out the raped females. I’m also leaving out the great males who should be a role model for the lesser males.
So the questions are:

1. Is there an evolutionary decline in males?
2. Is it possible to impact this decline? -and-
3. How do females find the good males?

 
In these days with the perfect storm of numerous divorces, reduced Daddy role modeling and a generation and ½ of bizarro male role models based on imaginary males (and females)  in film, television and the internet, it seems that the mannerly, gentlemanly model of males is not seen much. Just when we were getting a little civilized, we decline back to the caveman? De-evolution. Great. Obviously it’s not true of all males, but a significant increase of idiot behavior seems to be possible.
 
Can we impact this decline by modeling ourselves? By teaching or speaking out? I don’t know. But to slump over and moan, “It’s just the way it is” seems kinda cowardly, ya know? Role modeling proper behavior and actively teaching our children, even if it really didn’t impact many people seems less tragically helpless. It’s all parents responsibility to teach manners and respect for women to their children (males and females). Improper behavior needs to be addressed. It’s also important to note that any nine year old kid with a phone can access hardcore porn. Parents need to address this issue as well. Girls should not be viewed as potential porn queens.
 
How to locate quality males? I wish people would write in and share their opinion. I’d think a history class might be better than a dive of a bar. Who knows? Picking up kids at a daycare and meeting someone? Shopping at the grocery store and noticing (an unmarried) nice Daddy with his child? I don’t know. I met mine at a ping pong table in college. Remind your daughter to keep her standards high. Nice people are out there.
 
NEXT UP: “She’d be better off sticking with girls”. Maybe yes, maybe no.
Next week at your favorite local digital newspaper: BrownwoodNews.com
 

Part Two:  To Be Or Not To Be (Gay). Is That A Question?
 
Hey John,
You know, I'd be fine if my daughter decided to just be a lesbian. These guys nowadays are such pigs; she'd probably be better off just sticking with a girl. When I told her that, she blew a fuse and walked out the door. Do you think she’s homophobic? Am I too “hip” as a Dad? What do you say?
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
 
Dear Somewhere,
When your daughter comes to you sadly or angrily about some idiot boy, she probably needs a compassionate and understanding ear. Instead, you challenged her sexuality. You likely had good intentions, but sometimes we need to shut our pie holes and just listen.
 
As a qualifying statement, I am not prejudiced towards sexual orientation (on either side). That being said, to presume life would be easier being gay is naive. There are all sorts of problems that gay folks have. There is a much higher incidence of substance abuse, depression, and for those that let their sexuality define a hyper-sexual lifestyle, the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases, including deadly AIDS is much higher than the national average.
 
Most of us know people who appear to be born gay. The controversy at hand is, can you “switch sides” at will? I’m not sure anyone knows the answer to that question. However, my many years as a therapist working with thousands of adolescents, I have seen the passing of many “disenfranchised youth”. There were “Goths” with a kind of vampire-ish appearance. Much sadness and/or anger. Then came the “emos”, emotional, misunderstood, and wore their feeling on their sleeves. It appears the newest disenfranchisement is declaring your sexuality at an early age. I have had a fair number of pissed off thirteen year olds tell me definitively that they are switching genders. Lots of broken, dysfunctional families are producing all sorts of lost kids. Are they genuinely gay? Perhaps. Perhaps not. To challenge them nose-to-nose is disrespectful and not therapeutic. To let it slide by with no comment is also not therapeutic. It’s a tough situation as a counselor. I do remind kids that permanently defining yourself in anything in your early teens is premature. Everyone seems to agree with the statement: "Thirteen is not sixteen. Sixteen is not nineteen. And nineteen sure isn’t twenty-five". Maybe we are not supposed to really know who we are in many regards until we are a little older. After all, straight or gay, being sexual at an early age is developmentally unsound. For the kids out there who are confused, I think rather than a premature declaration, you might want to officially declare, at least for a while that you are undecided.