The Alpine Escape

The Alpine Escape
Although I did not realize that I was somewhat attracted to risk takers as a child, apparently, I was. Joe Howard was one of those risk takers. On Saturday night a group of us would “cruise the strip” (drive down East 14th street, starting at Macy’s and turning around at Pring’s coffee shop) in search of cute girls which were never there. Months before Joe had shared with us his ultimate adventure: he would seriously piss off some bad guys, they would give chase, and Joe would lead them to the Alpine apartments. There was “C” shaped driveway that almost circled the run-down apartments. However, it abruptly ended around the side where the road basically stopped. With no barricade in place, if you didn’t stop, you dropped about eight feet to the pavement below. His theory was: he would gun it, fly off the edge in his VW bug, probably tear off his muffler and exhaust pipe and drive away. The unsuspecting angry pursuers would slam on their brakes too late and tip over the edge, front end down, and wreck their vehicle. It was a ridiculous idea that we all thought a) it’s not going to happen, and b) if it did, we didn’t want to be there.
One of the Saturday nights that I had to work, Joe cruised with three other friends. He began the evening by stopping at McDonald’s and picking up a cheap hamburger. He then asked for a lot of extra ketchup and mustard. He then loaded the hamburger with a dozen small packets of the condiments. My friends thought that he was hungry and pretty gross. However, he wrapped the hamburger back up and headed to the Strip. To my friend’s horror, he pulled into the Macy’s parking lot itself. That was an instant challenge to the crazy tough guys who waited in the parking lot for a fight. Joe rolled his window down and pulled up to the driver’s side of a jacked up hot rod. The guy looked at Joe with angry amazement and told him he’d better get the hell out of there. Joe said, “I just wanted to see if you were hungry”. The guy repeated his angry warning one last time. So, Joe said “well, if you were hungry I have something for you”. He then threw the nasty dripping hamburger through the window of their car and splattered all four people with mustard and ketchup. He then went screeching out of the parking lot and went down the other direction on E 14th St. They went crazy and chased after Joe ready to beat him down. My three friends in Joe’s car were terrified out of their minds as the deadly chase began. Flying in and out of late night traffic, Joe would cross into oncoming traffic and even up the sidewalk to avoid the very strong likelihood of an extreme beating. At a red light, the bad guys is exited their car with bats and chains. Joe did a extreme U turn and headed towards the Alpine Apartments. Although everyone wanted to jump out of the car, it was way too late. With the bad guys right on his tail, Joe turned into the apartment complex. He circled the apartments, and when he reached the drop off, he gunned his engine and flew into the air. He ripped off his muffler and exhaust pipe. The dangerous thugs slammed on their brakes too late and dropped headlights first down 8 feet onto the pavement, and wrecked their car. It went exactly as Joe had planned, with the exception of taking a few years off the life of his passengers. When my friend recounted their insane adventure, I began to question my own sanity with hanging around Joe. I saw him a few more times before he got kicked out of our high school for some sort of idiot behavior. I never saw him again which is why I am still here sharing this story with you. None of us ever knew what became of dangerous Joe Howard. But, the Alpine Escape did work…….
The end.  *whew*