After working with kids for forty years, I have seen more ways that parents punish kids than most people. As I began my career working at a residential treatment center for abused and neglected children, I will skip the torture thing and go right into the more typical punishments. This is fresh on my mind as I recently had a teenage boy who got caught stealing a big ‘ol iPhone 7. In addition to his school punishment, his parents added their own to the mix. Upon his return from school, he must sit at the kitchen table and, well, sit. After supper he continues to sit. One of the problems is: there is no limit to this punishment. He is on his second month. When I asked him what he must do in order to get off, he had no idea.
 
On the other end of the scale, a kid’s mother knew he was a bike thief from hell. The bicycle shop owner, a grizzled ex-biker, took the kid’s stolen bike from him and told him to have his mother come down to the shop to talk to him about the bike. She came down the next day with a loaded .357 pointed at his eye and took her son’s stolen bike back.
 
Another teen got into a fight and knocked the dog out of the other kid, necessitating an ER visit at the local hospital. Along with legal consequences and restitution, his permanently pissed off father “grounded” him. This grounding included taking his son’s bedroom door off its hinges, forbidding him to work on getting his driver’s license, and virtually not speaking to him….. FOR TWO YEARS!
 
So, what is the reason for punishing our kids? Most parents would agree it is to teach them they better not do that stupid shit again. So how much of our disgust, anger, embarrassment and disappointment do we factor into our punishments? If we are doing it right, the answer is: not much. We have to use our brains, not our anger to teach our kids.
 
There is very little idiot behavior from kids that I have not seen. Thus I suggest that parents consider the following:

1. Keep punishments short term. This usually means days or a week (or two if you must). There’s always room to add on if junior is still acting the fool.
2. Try to tie the punishments to the offense. In the first example of sticky fingered cell phone boy, you could find out what a used phone would cost (about $350), and have him do that much extra labor around the house and yard. At minimum wage, that’s a bunch of work. Keep track of the hours. You don’t have to pay him, but show him how hard it is to buy what he ripped off.
3. DO NOT punish your kid out of anger. I mean, maybe it’s great therapy for the angry parent to enjoy continuously punish their kid, but man to man, I’ll tell you it’s chickenshit to enjoy hammerin’ a kid when the lesson learned is over.
4. Don’t be too “proud” to ask for an opinion from someone who may know more. I’m a little sadly lame at building stuff, so I asked my friend for his ideas for a sturdy gate for my office. With his good ideas (and help), I’ve got it up. Getting ideas doesn’t mean obeying; it just means getting extra ideas.

Being a good disciplinarian doesn’t just mean being tough, it means teaching your kid right from wrong. Do it like a good mother or father.

Hey John,
Our oldest daughter moved back in with us after a breakup. We agreed she could stay with us while she saved up money to get back on her feet. Because she's over 18, we let her know that our only "rule" for living with us is to text us and let us know if she was going to be out after 11:30 p.m. so we wouldn't have to worry. We don't ask for rent money, grocery money, utilities, we even let her use our car whenever she needs. The first few weeks were fine, but then steadily she started staying out late, even all night, without communicating with us at all. And she's started taking the car without asking. We try to talk to her about it, but she always has an excuse and says we don't understand what she's going through. We're not sure what to do.
Feeling Used Mama
 
Dearest Mama
Explaining the “text by 11:30p” is not a rule, but just a worry prevention act should help to reduce resistance to the “don’t treat me like I’m a baby” issue. Further explaining that she is not calling to get permission to stay out late, but rather to just help her overly worried Mom get back to sleep at 2 am. Most parents have this potentially sensitive issue to deal with when their college kids come home for vacation. On their own, they come back when they want to without having a worried parent imagining head-on collisions with 18-wheelers. Really, it’s a pretty simple courteous act. However, our job as a parent never really goes away. If our semi-adult child is out of line, it’s still our duty to teach. I would suggest for your consideration the following steps:

1. Extend one more explanation of your expectations and why (it’s respectful, ya know?).
 
2. Hold said child accountable for coming up short by temporarily revoking car borrowing privileges (a day or two should suffice). Obviously they can still go out- just not with your wheels.
 
3. Taking the car without permission is a much bigger violation. I’d disable the vehicle overnight, if you can. My old Suburban has a little removable switch-thing near the underside of the dash that keeps it from starting. I’d use a club to keep her from stealing my car a second time- not on her, but on the steering wheel. ($9.95 on eBay).
 
4. Don’t get all crazy about violations. Deal with them calmly and competently. We are always teaching our kids how to be parents themselves.
 
P.S. When our kids say, “you have no idea what I’m going through”, they’re probably right. Proper sympathy and offering a loving helping hand counts for a lot.

Hey John,
My husband and I have been married for about eight years. We get along well almost always. The problem is my family. My sisters have never really liked “Bobby”, and my mom and stepdad are okay, but not very enthusiastic about him. He works hard, provides us a good living, and is usually pretty patient with the kids. About six months ago, we had a big blow out. We both said some mean things to each other, and he threw the salt shaker against the wall. He moved in with a friend of his for almost a week, but we patched things up and are ok. The night of the fight, I got on Facebook and said what a creep he was. I shared the details of our fight. Then I called my family and told them too. Now, even though we are in good shape, everyone hates him. He was uninvited for Christmas with my family, and they refuse to come over to my house unless he’s at work. My kids want to see their aunts and grandparents more, but they still won’t come over. What do I do?
Sleepless In Seguin
 
Dear Sleepyhead,
Who boy! There are so many mistakes here; this answer may require a Master’s Thesis to address it all. “Bobby” screwed up by letting his anger turn him into a caveman. Screaming at your wife is typically an improper reaction, to say the least. Next, throwing stuff is extremely threatening and needs to be eradicated from the list of ways of how to get angry. If you can’t get your brains to work properly in order to calm down, adults need to do to themselves what they do to their kids: give yourself a time out. And, although I usually frown upon moving out for a while, I suppose some people do ok with it.
 
Now you, my dear. What’s up with humanity that makes Facebook a public diary? Let’s say you have a bad case of diarrhea- do you detail your gross experience for everyone to enjoy? No? Then why on earth share with the world your personal troubles, and worse yet, the (hopefully rare) idiot behavior of a loved one? Once, early in my marriage when my Dad had a rare case of acting poorly, my Mom cautioned me: “Johnny, I think couples should not keep secrets from each other. That being said, as your father’s outburst is so unusual, if you detail it to Denise, you may prejudice her against him forever”. So I kept it to myself, and Dad never repeated his noisy outburst again. She was most certainly right. By you using your family as your “therapist”, you have prejudiced them against him. If it is fixable, you should consider having a loving face-to-face with your family and explain the (hopefully rare) angry outburst of your husband. You can give them kind instruction regarding your expectations of the family. Any further hostile resistance to reconciliation should be dealt with kindly, patiently, but firmly. If you have to have your own Christmas’, then make them joyous for your husband and children.
 
P.S. Keep Facebook fun and chatty. If you need a dang therapist, we’re all over the place.

*P.S.S The title is from a great duet from Sippie Wallace and Bonnie Raitt. Although I'm sure they were cautioning women to not brag loudly about their man to other women, we can also use the title to caution people to not drag their dirty underwear out for everyone to see.