Hey John,
I have a terrible problem, and I know I need a lawyer, not a counselor. But I can’t afford a lawyer, and you’re free when you are HeyJohn. My ex-husband “B” and I have had an ongoing war about the custody of our seven year old daughter. I live in Texas, and he lives in Louisiana. He hates my current boyfriend (and hates me too). He knows Jorge smokes pot. I used to as well, but haven’t smoked much in the last few years. He called child welfare and said our daughter was in danger because of drugs. They said I had to give them a urine analysis or they would take my daughter. My pee test came up clean. So then they said they wanted to do a hair follicle test. I showed trace amounts of THC. I had smoked a little a week or two before and it showed up on that super sensitive test. My bad ex took me back to court a month later, and the judge gave him primary custody of our little girl. I never had any arrest, charges or anything. Do you think that is fair? I’m going crazy without her, I miss her so much. What can I do?
Crying Mom
 
Dear Crying,
In this format, I do not have the opportunity to ask some important questions. To clarify the situation, I’d ask:

1. Have you had “Child Welfare” in your life before? If so, why?
2. Is smoking the weed a precursor to other drug use? Have you had a problem with drugs (/alcohol) since your daughter was born?
3. Any priors with the law?

I have more questions, but rather, let’s take your letter on face value (in other words, “no” to all three questions). Is it proper to remove a child from a family because a parent has smoked marijuana? From a legal standpoint, as I was kicked out of law school after my first year, I don’t know the answer. I do know, however, a parent receiving a first offense DWI/DUI (no kids in the car) would likely not lose their kids due to this first misdemeanor offense. If they did, all my hundreds and hundreds of DWI students over the years would be childless. Thus, from a moral standpoint, it would seem that such a child- parent life altering decision based on a non-arrest pot smoking situation would be on extremely shaky grounds. It makes me hope, in some bizarre way that there were other serious circumstances involved. Otherwise, this would be a travesty of justice.
 
As to what to do, I would first seek out free legal aid from my town, as this is likely now a legal issue. If they won’t help, get a referral from them. If I could not get help, I would write a brief, concise letter to all local news publications. Here we have BrownwoodNews.com , the Brownwood Bulletin, the Abilene Reporter News and the Ft. Worth Star Telegram. Follow the publication’s instructions as to not exceed the maximum length. Next, work on your own physical and mental health. See her as much as you are allowed. Keep the visits upbeat and fun for her. No complaining or crying (from you). We need to put up a good front on our children’s behalf to keep them as worry-free as we can. Do not deal with your sadness with chemicals, especially alcohol. Anti-depressants can help, as might SHORT TERM use of an anxiety medication. If you are a church attendee, it would seem like an especially good time to re-connect. Consistent exercise can also be very helpful, as it gives a sense of accomplishment and control as well as endorphin release in the body.
 
I am not suggesting smoking marijuana is great for parenting, but it sure as hell is not so dangerous that a child should be removed. I wish you perseverance. May your love of your child bring the best outcome for her.

Hey John,
I am a married father with two kids, a boy and a girl. My daughter just turned 14, and is a good kid. Although she complains about her chores, she does them. She is also a good student. She tried sports, but didn’t like it much. She is currently in band, and likes it okay. The problem is this: I was a budding troubled kid at 14. I was starting to smoke a little weed and was a mediocre student at best. Although I was never in trouble with the law (mainly because I didn’t get caught), I graduated near the bottom of my class. I wasn’t sexually active, but I sure wanted to be. Now we fast forward to the 21st century, and things are very different. The kids are less restrained, I’m guessing due to outside influences and lazy parenting. I find myself being too restrictive on her because I don’t want her turning into me. Will she? I think that a lot of fathers are worried their girls will be a 16 year old, pregnant, pot smoking lost child. In my case, if she turns out like I was, it might come true. How do I keep that from happening?
Was Lost and Want To Be Found
 
Dear Lost and Found,
As I don’t have all the family facts here, I will need to generalize some. If you have a good marriage, the teaming up of a Mom and Dad increase the chances of success. Obviously there are plenty of single parents raising good kids, but competent double-teaming is a big advantage. You need to know that in addition to self esteem building activities, competently dealing with her screw ups are immensely important. Learning from our mistakes is an inescapable part of learning right from wrong and accountability. That’s HER mistakes, not yours . Some parents think they’ll keep their children from being like they were by confessing their early mistakes to their kids. Kids never learn from their parents experiences, only their own. I usually advise parents to keep their sordid past to themselves. Try to treat her errors in judgment (which she will have) as a chance to teach her, not merely punish her. Also, acknowledging the good stuff is at least as important. We need to be appropriately cautious, but allow her to do things that are important to her.
Remember, she is a genetic product of you and her mother, not just you. And it’s y’all raising her, not your Mom and Dad. Different parents, different kid. Finally, at the risk of self promotion, I really like the essay on Fathers and Daughters. Read if you are so inclined at: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/fathers-and-daughters.html.
 
Work hard, have some fun and teach her the best you can. She’s not living at home with you for long. Take advantage of your time together.

Hey John,
Many years ago I saw a harsh movie: Sophie’s Choice. In it the nasty old Nazi’s made a mother decide which one of her young daughter’s was going to live, and which one they would execute right there. She was horrified, but finally chose to save daughter #2, so they killed her and let daughter #1 live. I am in a situation that is sort of like that.
 
I am married to a good man. I have three grown children, but my 22 year old son is the big problem. He had been in and out of juvenile detention when he was younger. Now that he’s on adult probation (drugs and assault), he wants to come live with me. Every time he moves back in, something goes really wrong. Last year he stole some of my jewelry, and pawned two of my husband’s expensive guns. About eight months ago, he got into a fist fight with my husband and beat him badly. He broke his nose, knocked out some teeth and tore his ear. He is now back on drugs and has no place to stay. He’s pleading with me to move in with us. He tells me he’ll “be on the streets and dead” without us. In our town, there is no homeless shelter. He tells me he will be dead in a few weeks if we don’t let him move in.
 
I love my husband, but I also love my son. I feel like I can’t just abandon him and maybe have him die. How do you stop loving your child and just watch them die? I don’t know what to do.
Sophie
 
Dear Soph,
You are certainly in a pickle. However, the problem really isn’t your son- it’s you. I have had to ask more than one parent with a difficult choice to make regarding their child: “Are you doing this to help out and protect your child, or are you doing it because you are scared that they will be mad at you?” Maternal (and paternal) feelings are powerful; however, not helping your child because you are scared is not maternal. In this case it would be choosing fear rather than your child. I would continue delaying your proclamation to him for a few days (him sleeping outside is rarely deadly) while you work quickly to do the following:

1. Find out if there are shelters in your town or in nearby cities. Write down their names, addresses and phone numbers.
2. Locate treatment centers nearby with the same info.
3. Pack him a half a dozen well wrapped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to hold him over. Toss in a couple of tasty Hostess cupcakes while you’re at it.
4. Give him a list of your research, the grub and a kiss on the cheek.

 
As you have stated he is on probation, he is either not showing up (aka: absconding from probation), or he just hasn’t given them a dirty u/a yet. Either way, using while on probation always ends badly. This isn’t Sophie’s Choice my dear, as you are not being forced to choose one over the other. In this case you can be a devoted wife and a loving mother at the same time. Overcome your fear and take care of both these men in your life.