Hey John,
I am writing to get a second opinion on a family matter. I am currently seeing a counselor who has shared her advice, and I tend to agree with her. I had a long standing boyfriend with who I had a daughter with. She is currently thirteen years old. Her Dad was sent to prison for a non-violent crime. But he caught a long sentence. We had broken up long before his incarceration, but we still shared our daughter back and forth. Since he got locked up I decided I didn’t want her to see him. He has asked numerous times if I would let her come to see him, or at least let them communicate with letters. I said no. I still carry a lot of anger and resentment towards him, so basically: screw ‘em. Our daughter doesn’t ask about him so much anymore. However, I am seeing some acting out behaviors from her. She is rude to my live-in boyfriend, and has had some bad behaviors at school. I don’t know if it’s the fact she doesn’t have a dad anymore, or if it’s me, or what. My counselor told me she believes I have the right to cut him out of her life because I’m her mother. But now that I’m seeing behaviors from my daughter, I’m not so sure. Have you had any experience with cases like this? What do you think?
Her Mom
 
Dear Mom,
Yes, I have had numerous cases like this in the last forty years of counseling. When I started this column, I was fully aware of some serious limitations  I would have in comparison to my normal face-to-face counseling. An obvious one is that I am asked my opinion on matters of which I have only limited information about. Secondly, you don’t know me, so I may lack the credibility I might have if you knew me better. That second issue is a big one here, because your counselor is dead wrong. This is not a parental rights or woman’s rights issue at all. It is only a What Is Best For Your Daughter issue. You didn’t share what your ex is locked up for. If he is for a dangerous man who needs to be under lock and key, you should keep her away in order to physically protect her. For example, if he were a wife-beating, child-torturing SOB, he needs to be out of her life. As you stated it was a non-violent crime, it could be drugs, prostitution, theft, fraud, etc., etc. Further, you stated your decision was based on your anger and resentment towards him. I don’t want to alienate you here, but that’s a seriously poor reason to kill any communication with him. You asked for my professional opinion, so here it is:
1) Tell your girl you may have errored  in not letting her communicate with her dad.
2) Write him and tell him he may write her. However, all letters (at least for a while) need to monitored by you.
3) Help her to write back. As you had previously stamped out their relationship, you will need to tutor her on how to write a little chatty letter. Help her address the envelope, and mail it together if you can. Remember, kids nowadays have likely not written a letter in their lives. You’ll need to teach her.
4) After a while (six months?) you might allow him to call her. Limit the calls to about 10 minutes, at least for a while.
5) If he’s a worthless father, she’ll figure it out pretty quickly and she’ll reduce the contact.
 
The bottom line is this: if we use our children as a weapon to punish their other parent, it almost always does damage to them. They will eventually seek out the other parent when they are older, and will always be resentful of the parent who punished them for no reason. I don’t know if this will help her in her current acting out behaviors, but it’s likely to help her future.

Hey John,
I have a problem with my mother in law. My wife and I have been married for five years. My divorced MIL lives in another state. She will come twice a year to visit us. She is nice company for both my wife and myself. As we both work, she is happy to cook supper for us. The problem is her lack of wanting privacy. Every single time she has come to visit she will walk out of the bathroom topless. Sometimes totally in the raw. I don’t understand her need for attention, as she is build like a brickhouse. I’m pretty sure she times her exit from the bathroom around my being nearby. I don’t know if she is coming on to me, or she just likes showing off. When I brought this up with my wife, she tells me not to worry, her mom has always walked around topless. I’d feel a lot better if it was my wife doing this, not my MIL. I am really uncomfortable bringing this up with my MIL, as it seems pretty messed up in the first place. Instead of looking forward to good company and fine meals, I find myself being tense as her next visit approaches. What do I do?
Seeing Too Much
 
Dear Too Much,
Can you imagine a profession where a person would continually get exposed (no pun intended) to so many weird scenarios? Well, here we are, and here you go: yup, it’s a pretty freaky situation. You say you’ve been married for five years, and as your MIL’s behavior hasn’t escalated to any weirder behavior, it would seem like she’s not coming on to you. However, if it had been my MIL, I’d be freakin’ out. And, in the event you think your wife’s response is normal, it’s a little wacked out as well.
 
I have found as we age, other people’s behaviors force us to become more assertive. I cringe a little when I recall incidences when I was younger that I let pass because I was too uncomfortable to address it. But time after time after time of being subjected to improper behaviors have helped me to find my voice. I suggest to you begin to find yours. I will occasionally begin to make a difficult statement by prefacing it with the comment that I am uncomfortable in saying this, but….. For example, early in my career as a therapist, I had to endure numerous clients who would bath in perfume before sitting down in my office. A couple of times I would find myself slightly choking in mid-sentence (“so Ms. Jones, when you say [*ack*] you are depressed, etc.”). So I finally took my own advice about learning to be more assertive and would say, “I’m so embarrassed to say this, as your perfume is really quite good, but I have an acute sense of smell, and it would be better to come in without your good perfume. Please forgive the rudeness.” Although I was uncomfortable, and she would be a little embarrassed, my “new” assertiveness has set me free. Thus, at the end of a fine supper you might say to your MIL (and perhaps with your wife in attendance): “Gertrude, I am massively uncomfortable in saying this, but it really makes me uncomfortable when you exit the bathroom without much on. Please forgive the rudeness [although it’s obviously not rude], but if you could throw something on, it sure would alleviate my discomfort”. It’s a gentle but assertive way of telling someone to stop being goony. If she can’t stop being a bizarro exhibitionist, stay away from the bathroom when she’s dressing (or undressing). Perhaps your wife will benefit from your new-found gentle assertiveness and eventually learn to speak up for her husband when she needs to. Clearly, she needs to.

Hey John,
I am married with three kids. They are nice children. My husband of twenty years is a great husband. Although we are not particularly wealthy, it would seem that our difficult poor days are behind us. With all this good stuff in my life I still find myself being negative about things. These are things that go wrong, but my take on them is too negative. This isn’t depression, but what? Age? I don’t yell at my son about his homework, but it seems like an extra burden for me. Reading to my youngest daughter seems a chore as of late. How do you stop looking on the stressful side of so many events taking place?
Ms. Gustine Grim
 
Dear GG,
Many of us parents would agree that the above named chores can be taxing. However, it is possible you are engaging in quick thinking. That is, quickly considering a situation and deciding it’s worth (and stressful effort). A repetitive chore is often a drag. However, expanding your consideration for a little longer may reveal something you hadn’t seen. Your daughter will never be 14 years old, sitting on the bed, mesmerized by the story you are telling her. So the deeper truth is: tick, tick, tick toots; you’re almost out of time. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. This is the process of reframing. It’s not looking at a half- full or empty glass and it’s not putting a positive spin on an event: it’s seeing the truth in a situation.
Reframing is the mental art of looking at situations deeper, longer, and usually more accurately.  It is sometimes almost a magical ability of altering an aggravation into something meaningful.  It also provides one the opportunity to add a large measure of gratitude for events usually hardly ever noticed.  The most efficient method of learning this important mental art is through example and continual practice. Again, reframing is The Truth about the situation.
The man was complaining:  “My new step kids are always running a few minutes late and often miss the bus.  As their mom has already left, it’s then my duty to pack them up and drive them to school.  It’s like they’re doing it on purpose, and it hacks me off in a big way”.  Upon deeper reflection, he realized: “You know, I think they’re missing the bus on purpose because they want to spend more time with me.  We usually rock on the way to school and have a fun time.  Oh man, they’re doing this to get to spend time with me and to show me off.  I think I’ll tell them if they get the bus on time on Monday, I’ll drive them the rest of the week. Showing ME off. Ha! It’s cool.” To continue with examples of applying a reframe to a situation:
 
            The husband would leave work, get home, have supper with his wife, and then settle down to watch a little TV or type out an e-mail to the kids. 
Reframe:  “I’m just a no big deal guy, and I’ve got this fine loving woman anxiously awaiting my arrival.  Plus, she’s been working like a dog cooking up something delicious just for me!  How incredible is that?  If I could have seen this in a crystal ball when I was 18, I would’ve freaked out. It’s amazing”
 
Situation:  The mother started to run angrily outside as soon as she saw her young kids getting playing in the mud.
Reframe:  “These babies will soon be fussin’ over their hair and broken fingernails.  This time is going to be short lived. I think I’ll go out and get the hose and make more mud for them.  I’m going to encourage them to make some nasty old mud pies and get every atom on their bodies dirty.  I’ll have fun hosing them down afterwards”.
 
Situation:  After a long day at work, Daddy was not exactly in the mood to sit down and do homework with the kids.  Although he was a mediocre student with “spotty” homework completions back in the day, his kids ought to be able to get their homework done by themselves.
Reframe:  “The only thing my parents could have done to guarantee I’d do my homework would have been to sit down and do it with me.   Hmmm…..  Additionally, if my fourth grade son doesn’t understand what he’s doing in class, the only way to assure he’s going to pass is for me to review the chapter myself for a few minutes , then I’ll be his patient teacher.  Plus, I’ll give him some permanent memories of the two of us having significant times together, and I’ll be teaching him how to be a fine father himself someday”.
 
Situation: He suffers from FlatTire-a-Phobia: fear of a flat tire in an old Suburban where the spare is impossibly stored underneath the car. As he turned into his driveway, his car lurched: a flat tire! Aiieee! As bad words formed in his head and blood pressure quickly rose, a greater truth appeared to him.....
Reframe: Although he loathed flat tires, if there was any place on earth to get one, it would be right here, in his driveway, 20 feet from his compressor and extension hose. The perfect place for a flat. Ahhhhh....
 
(The Classic Toilet Seat Reframe)
Situation: “Why should I (the male) put the stupid seat down when I’m done if they don’t put it up when they’re done?!”
Reframe:  “I love getting 10 points of credit from women for putting out 1 point of effort! It’s important to her? Cool. This one’s a piece of cake”.
 
Situation:  Although she had said goodnight to her two children (in the same room) she heard them whispering back and forth to each other in the dark.  Her first thought was “they’re purposely disobeying me when I told them to go to sleep.”
Reframe:  These sweet babies.  They love each other’s company so much they want to talk with each other late into the night.  It won’t be long before they have their own houses far away from each other and won’t be able to ever do this again.  Let ‘em whisper to each other until they fall asleep.
 
This is not to be mistaken for a “make something good out of something terrible” type of silliness.  There are some very difficult circumstances that are not reframeable.  Still, a vast majority of our lives bear a deeper look.  A two year old daughter begging to be held in the arms of her tired parent might be a chore, but a deeper look would reveal a very temporary opportunity to hold our child in our arms before they grow too big to ever be held by us again.  Sometimes, all it takes is a deeper look to see the importance of a situation. Practice plenty and ye shall reap the rewards of a life properly appreciated.

Hey John,
A few months ago I was in an art competition with a fairly good sized group of people. I couldn’t help but take notice that many of the artists’ spouses were in attendance, providing encouragement and friendly company. So half way through my project I called my husband to ask him if he would like to come down and keep me company (it’s a ten minute drive). He told me he would rather watch TV. When my artist neighbor commented that perhaps he was excited about an Olympic event, I told her he just wanted to watch golf. Then I excused myself, went to the bathroom and cried. Is this all there is to an aging marriage? Do I even hope for an improvement? I am both married and lonely, and I don’t know what to do.
Sad Artist
 
Dear Ms. Renoir,
There are two answers. The first, although it is a little absurd, would likely be most effective. The second is more traditional, and might still help.
You could “slip him a mickey” (knockout drink), and handcuff him to a comfortable chair. Then you could force him to watch good movies with men who are loving, protective, and chivalrous. A few come to mind: Humphrey Bogart ("Bogey") in The African Queen is a fine start. Gregory Peck? John Wayne? You know, good examples of chivalrous, manly behavior. However, as he is into lazyass, belly-scratchin’ self-centered behavior, a traditional approach might be more effective.
 
Tell GolfDog you need to talk to him about something serious. The TV must be off (have him consult the manufacturer’s instruction manual as to how to do it). I like to begin a marriage enhancing/fixing session with getting a view of the past. What attracted you to this girl? When did you decide to get serious with her? What were some things about her that surprised or amazed you? What type of dates did y’all go on when you were first dating? Did you impress her in any way   (even accidentally)? Back in the day, maybe the second date, if she had called you to come see her, would you have said “no, I have to watch golf and scratch my armpits”? Feel free to re-phrase the last suggestion. Close with this bone chilling statement: “I am lonely”.
 
Many times such behavior is mindless laziness, not intentional disrespect. Couples need to work at continuing to impress each other as we grow older with each other. It’s easy early in our relationship, but it takes effort as we get older. Whoever is the most with-it needs to provide guidance to the other. And conversely the “other” needs to take it to heart, and work consistently at keeping his loved one in love with him. Plus, I bet your art work gets better as he gets better. I sincerely hope he can.