Thanksgiving 2015
You know, the pilgrims were probably brave and slightly crazy pioneers, but the more you learn about the history and subsequent demise of the Indians, the less cool the tall hats and tossing a fish into the corn stalks were. Not wanting to flush this holiday away due to my slightly aging cynicism, I instead decided to mutate Thanksgiving into a day of, well, thanksgiving. Simple rules of this day: no bitchin', no whining, no negativity. Rather, I remind myself, possibly 600 times throughout the day of the things I am grateful for. It's interesting that this takes a fair amount of effort, meaning I must be spending a lot of time the other 364 days complaining. Man! What's wrong wit' DAT picture?! Happy Thanksgiving all, especially my family. What numerous things are you contemplating about on this day of thanks?

Thankgiving 2016
[John Wayne voice please, nice and slow] Well pilgrim, did your Mamma and Daddy raise a hard workin' schmuck, or didja grow up to be a lazy bum? This is a day, li'l pilgrim, it’s time to work hard at thinkin' about what we're grateful 'bout. It could be your gran'ma, or pa, that nice teacher that shoulda flunked ya, put didn't, yer Ma and Pa who taught ya manners and how to work 'till the job was done, yer kids who come back to see you on  holidays - you know: all sorts of things. Yer Ma and Pa didn't raise no snivelin' crybaby. Time to count yer blessin's today. And pass that turkey leg over here, pilgrim.

I see the problem every week, every year. Sixteen year old Jason breaks up with Sara (fictitious names, obviously). Sara’s mom brings her in, against her wishes, with long cuts down her arm or leg. Not a suicide attempt, but a way of dealing with the pain: creating another pain to relieve the anger or sadness. The number of cutters I see has increased geometrically over the years. We can discuss the rather bizarre phenomenon of creating pain to alleviate pain, but I want to discuss the increase in, not just self-harmers, but the increased agony young people feel in the face of sad or unwanted events.

As a reality comparison, it is amazing to realize that the word stress has only fairly recently meant the internal pressure people feel when facing difficult situations. Ask a sixteen year old in 1970 to use the word stress in a sentence, and you’re likely to hear something like: “the hurricane put the steel beams under such incredible stress, the bridge completely collapsed.” It was not used to describe a human condition. It’s now an integral part of everyone’s vocabulary. So are the pressures we face in today’s world more difficult than in generations past, or are our responses more radical, or perhaps more fragile? A current case in point is the recent presidential election. Whether or not people’s fears of their unwanted candidate winning is not the issue at hand. Rather, their response to these personal concerns is unsettling. And this is the light weight stuff.  A few examples illuminate this point:
 
● When a fifteen year old boy was (again) unfairly confronted by his mother's live-in boyfriend, he went into his bedroom and, with an opened paperclip, cut himself deeply enough to require medical attention.
 
● He was informed at work that he was part of a group that was going to be laid off for three weeks. So he decided in order to deal with the pain and frustration, he’d stop by the liquor store and  get a 12-pack. At 8:00 PM he needed more, and on his way home got his first DUI.
 
More currently and slightly more humorously:
 
● At the University of Pennsylvania, one dormitory hosted a post-election “breathing space” for students overwrought by Trump’s election. This included “cuddling with cats and puppies, coloring and crafting, and snacks such as tea and chocolate.”
 
As a long standing therapist, I receive fearful calls from parents on a regular basis about their teen son or daughter threatening suicide. The cause of these threats are varied: breakups, cheating boy/girlfriend, a sexual identity crisis, having a phone taken away as punishment, to name only a few. Although the completion of these threats is often just that: a threat, you cannot just dismiss it as such. And, if the local mental health agency gets involved, you are all but guaranteed, with the threat of an involuntary court commitment, at least a three day stay at the nearest inpatient mental hospital.
 
What can we do? The answer, presuming it exists, may be the learning of greater problem solving skills. As the number of divorces increases with each generation, so does the teaching of the questionable problem solving skill: when faced with personal difficulties, the common solution is to leave. Prior to leaving, the family problems are not faced and solved, but rather met with anger, violence, moving out and moving back in, threats, filling the house with anger and resentment. Absent is an environment of dedication to solving the problem(s). So that generation fails at problem resolution, and the “skill” is passed on to the children. Now, what does the 15 year old son do when faced with a problem with a teacher or coach at school? How could they possibly know what to do?
 
My “style” of counseling is described as solution-oriented. That is, figure out what the problem is then work at solving it. It’s slightly more complicated than this, as it requires teaching the skill of problem identification and resolution. To get to see it in action up close and personal is an uncommon thrill for me. Years ago when I observed a nurse quickly act on a family problem, I commented that I was impressed with the speed and accuracy she showed in a time of high stress. She commented in return, “you know, when I’m in a crisis, I go cold”. Translation: “I instantly go into emergency problem-solving mode”. Ten words summarize this skill that most people should aspire to, especially parents. Learn how to solve personal problems and your children will have a base from which to work.

So rather than cutting ourselves, getting torn up or rolling around with small animals (however, we always need chocolate), when we are distraught or depressed over an event, the next step might be to allow ourselves to be sorrowful. Then perhaps we can have a discussion with others about our sadness, followed by a course of action to bring back some joy in our lives. Rather than run from the problem, or seek immediate relief, perhaps we can, at least occasionally “go cold”, then seek a solution. But don’t forget the Belgian chocolate.

I swear I don’t sit and analyze stuff all the time. Plenty of times, just like everyone else, I’ll just sit around and stare rather blankly and drool a little bit. However, it’s easy to notice parents constantly making the same error with their kids as I have with employees. I have, more than once, instructed someone what I wanted done, and then I don’t check to see if they’ve done what I asked. Then when I discover they haven’t done it, I’m at odds with them. Parents do this with remarkable frequency. A few examples come to mind:
 
1. [parent]: “When you are done with your spelling, you may play with your Xbox”.
    [kid]: “OK.”  Thirty seconds later the Xbox goes on. Parent discovers this two hours later.  
2. [parent]: “When this cartoon is over, go and pick up your 100,000 Legos off the floor.
    [kid]: “OK.” Three cartoons later Mom is mega-pissed as she steps on yet another Lego.
3. [parent]: “Go clean your room.”
    [kid]: “OK.” Three weeks later a particularly bad smell is emanating from Junior’s room.
 
So let’s analyze this for a second. The parent gives child an instruction. Parent unrealistically thinks the kid is going to do what they are told without parental follow through. The stuff didn’t get done and a negative situation has arisen (again).  Follow through is necessary for the successful completion of practically anything. If you give an instruction/command to someone and don’t see if they have done it, you are creating a lack of respect for you. To the kid or to the employee, you are in effect saying, “I’m telling you what to do, but it doesn’t matter if you listen to me.”
 
May I present the following steps:
 
1. Pay attention to what it is you are asking someone to do.
2. Anticipate that they will forget (or worse - disregard) your instructions.
3. Calmly make sure that you follow through to make certain the task is completed. This may mean you have to join the person in the requested task. Room cleaning or homework completion comes to mind.
4. Do it every single time. Stay focused.
5. If you do not follow through with requested tasks, you contributing to a lack of respect. Stay calm, follow through and teach respect. And don’t forget to love and appreciate your children.