So, I now share my private Thanksgiving therapy with you. I’m mighty glad to be living here the US of A, but I don’t feel like partying down with the pilgrims. The turkey and stuffing is cool, but it’s not enough for me anymore. So I do a personalized version of the above mentioned therapy. Simple rules of this day: no bitchin', no whining, no negativity. Rather, I remind myself, possibly 492 times throughout the day of the things I am grateful for. It's interesting that this takes a fair amount of effort, meaning I must be spending a lot of time the other 364 days complaining. Man! What's wrong wit' dat picture?! I take into serious consideration that to which I am grateful for- then I mentally roll around in it like a pig in mud. I take some time by myself, whether out back, in my room or even in the bathroom to consider points of thankfulness. Make Thanksgiving your own personal holiday and see if you can convert a formally bland or perhaps an unpleasant holiday into a joyful one. You know: Thanks giving.
A number of years ago a lady came in with an ongoing problem with her life. Although I talk plenty (an unusual feature for a therapist I’m told), I couldn’t get a word in edgewise with my client. The irritations were numerous: her kids were making her crazy, her husband was acting extra weirdly, her Mom was a chronic complainer, etc, etc. All were legitimate complaints, but the problems were endless. Like the mythical Hydra, when you cut off one head, two more took its place. Same with her problems. It was an endless flow of negativity. By her third appointment it seemed clear that she was using me as her sounding board: someone to complain to (and get a little temporary relief), but not to seek solutions. I asked her if she would be interested in a therapeutic experiment . It went like this: “With so much negativity in your life, it’s possible that you have become hyper-focused on all the problems you face. The experiment, or game if you will, is this: for one full day concentrate on all the things you are grateful for. When a negative thought hits your brain, you will need to take manual control of your thoughts and focus on something you are pleased about or grateful for. If you want to make it even more challenging, you can add an extra rule that if you lose control of your negative thoughts, you can do it again the next day. The purpose is two-fold: one is to call your attention to how often negative thoughts go through your head, and secondly, to teach yourself how to manually control your thoughts.” She cautiously agreed. Two weeks later she shared that the “game” had initially made her crazy. However, after a week of practice she felt immensely better and in control. Years later, she still practices her “thought control”.
So, I now share my private Thanksgiving therapy with you. I’m mighty glad to be living here the US of A, but I don’t feel like partying down with the pilgrims. The turkey and stuffing is cool, but it’s not enough for me anymore. So I do a personalized version of the above mentioned therapy. Simple rules of this day: no bitchin', no whining, no negativity. Rather, I remind myself, possibly 492 times throughout the day of the things I am grateful for. It's interesting that this takes a fair amount of effort, meaning I must be spending a lot of time the other 364 days complaining. Man! What's wrong wit' dat picture?! I take into serious consideration that to which I am grateful for- then I mentally roll around in it like a pig in mud. I take some time by myself, whether out back, in my room or even in the bathroom to consider points of thankfulness. Make Thanksgiving your own personal holiday and see if you can convert a formally bland or perhaps an unpleasant holiday into a joyful one. You know: Thanks giving.
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Nov 2, 2017 Hey John, My grandfather has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has less than a month to live. I am already having a hard time coming to grips with the inevitable, but I am wondering about how I approach this subject with my 3 and 4 year old children. We are going to visit him before he passes here in a week or so, and my children only know there papaw is really sick. I don't plan on explaining too much to them due to their ages, but if they ask how would you suggest to go about it? Thank you, A Lost Soul Ms. Soul, Your question was regarding the kid’s upcoming sad days rather than your own, so to that I comment. The fact is, little kids can feel the sadness, but not as intensely, nor for as long as we do. Don’t expect them to necessarily grieve much. Additionally, at this tender age, the chances are they may not have much memory of your beloved Grandfather as time goes on. I believe we can pay proper tribute to important people by sharing pictures and stories throughout the upcoming years. In this manner you can derive some comfort in recalling your Grandpa while helping your kids to have a memory of his importance in your life. There is also the significance in our own grief that reflects the greatness and great fortune in knowing and loving the person we have just lost. Refer back to the March 24th column of this year to a person trying to properly deal with losing her Mother. If lessening our sorrow meant lessening our relationship, which would you rather have? It sounds like your Grandpa was as lucky to have you as his granddaughter as you were to have him. http://www.brownwoodnews.com/hey-john-advice-column-grief-process/ Laaaaaaaaadies and gentlemen: in this corner, weighing in at, apparently featherweight status, Dear Crabbie Junior!!!! In the other corner, weighing in at it’s none of your business, Jooooooooohn Sommer. Let’s lay out the fight details for the second fight of their nonexistent relationship [see: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/hey-john-vs-dear-crabby [4/28/17] for their first fight].
A slightly sexed up sixty-something year old guy asked her what to do when his wife was unmotivated to have sex due to some pain issues. He met a woman who had the same issue, sort of, with her husband. She was hinting that an on-the-side sexual relationship would be OK with her. He wondered, “in today’s world”, if it was acceptable. So he asked Crabigail Junior what she thought. In her kinda weak “guidance”, she discouraged the hook up. However, she prefaced her response with, “The problem with an adulterous relationship is that the other person usually finds out”. Seriously? That’s the problem? You get caught? So we have two problems here: Dear Crabby’s bizarro advice, and Mr. Wants To Get Laid’s issue of needs vs. principles. Let’s address them in order. If you are married and have been faithful, and you ask advice from someone who says that the problem is not morals, values, or, dare I say it: vows, you’ve picked the wrong advice columnist. Slam dunk: time to look for a new coach for your team. I don’t need the human weathervane that changes direction depending on the wind guiding me, no siree. Issue two (and most importantly): do we alter or abandon our values based on a new circumstance? Worse yet, do we justify our behaviors based on our perception of what is currently “acceptable” by society? Years ago, my childhood friend told me now that his son was thirteen (and not sexually active), girls were calling him all the time. He said, “I don’t know what to tell him except always use protection”. My daughter was also thirteen, and I told my friend, “that sure as hell is not what I’m telling my thirteen year old daughter! I promote proper behavior and the development of their own set of morals and values”. He was stunned into silence for a few seconds and then gushed, “Wow! That is so cool! I never thought of that!” *sigh* So Mr. Wanna Get Laid, here’s my two cents worth. Your wife’s sexually related pain could be indicative of something being medically wrong. Encourage her to go in for a competent check up and exam. If it’s something psychological, seeking out a good therapist that is knowledgeable in this field is tough, but not impossible. Finally, if the sex incompatibility is not solvable, you need to revisit your love and commitment to your loved one. How willing are we to sacrifice for someone we love? You’ve got some work to do in terms of meaningful self-examination. I wish you peace, loyalty and love. |
About the AuthorI did NOT like writing stuff in school. However, now that it's voluntary, I like it. I'm still working on that attitude of mine..... Subscribe to John's Blog by email:Categories
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All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.
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