Yes, the Dear Crabby Jr. Emergency Response System has been activated! Today’s installment deals with a ridiculous inquiry from one screwed up sister about the other screwed up sister. Abby Junior’s response was so mind-bending, I temporarily lost my ability to speak. So, in the interest of universal brain cells, I will respond. Additionally, in the interest of diversity and world peace, I will add my response to Jeannie,  age 75, aka the daughter of Dear Abby 1. Please assume light paraphrasing:
 
Dear Crabby,
My sister is having an affair with a married man. She says his wife’s “a fat ass”, and the kid, uh, a little s-l-o-w. He buys my sister lots of stuff. He says he won’t leave his wife. She doesn’t care. She calls him honey. She’s good to trade sex for gifts. I was cheating with a married man a while ago. I broke up with him when he wouldn’t leave his pathetic wife. I think my sister’s a hoe. Should I feel this way?
Maine Sneaker
 
[Dear Crabby Jr.’s approximate response]:
Dear Sneaker,
“The two of you appear to have very different values*. You want the full meal deal, and she wants the goodies and crumbs”.  
 *exact quote
 
[Hey John ]
Dear Sneaker,
Aiiieeeeeee!! Is this for real??
First, you might ask, “why on earth would anyone print my mind-draining letter, much less respond to it?” Well Sneaky, all failing newspapers have turned to junk anyway, so why not print another ridiculous item?  So, let’s burn up some more ink:
 
You both want what you want, regardless of the damage you may bring about. Morals, values, judgment, accountability are absent from you both. Did the both of you grow up with a poor role model? Was it your Mom or your Dad? Crabby Jr. says y’all have "very different values"? Whatever. You’re more like the dysfunctional home-wrecking twins.
 
If someone’s in a failing marriage, that’s a shame. But to cause or contribute to a failing marriage is a wholly different matter. You consider your actions to be better than your sister’s? I forget, what was that kinda religious thing about who’s chunkin’ the first stone? Also to consider, if you ever write a columnist and she doesn’t comment on y’alls screwed up thinking, it’s not supposed to be a proclamation that y’alls behavior is acceptable. If you feel like doing harm to someone for your own gratification, you need a whole lot more help than just writing a funky advice columnist.
 
You aren’t asking for advice. But, if you are going around feeling superior to your sister, you need a serious tune-up. The both of you. If y’all aren’t the type who wish to improve their lives as they get older, it would be wise to simply leave other people alone. Everyone.

p.s. Crabby Junior, a lot of people retire long before 75. May I offer a suggestion?

Hey John,
I know we’ve all heard this before, but I am really bummed out at Christmas time. The commercialism, the pressure of Christmas cards, of buying presents, of meal preparation, and on and on. I’m not ultra-religious, but this is (or was) a religious holiday. I don’t want to be sad. I’d like to enjoy this season. Is it even possible?
No Chestnuts Roasting
 
Dear Chess Nut,
Often at holiday time, we have our own expectations of what would make it special. Then, *kaboom*, it’s not what we wished it was. I was reminiscing about a handful of times when something extra cool happened. Once, I was driving with my family across the Oakland-SF Bay Bridge. It’s a five dollar toll (!) going, and nothing coming back. As I got to the toll booth, the toll lady said, “You’re good to go. The guy in front of you paid your toll”. What guy? A stranger. Gone like the Lone Ranger he was. Whoa. And here I am, twenty years later telling you about it. Some handicapped guy was trying to put his coat on next to our table in a local restaurant. He lost his precarious balance and started to fall towards my table. I caught him, and although he was pretty embarrassed, I helped him on with his jacket. When I went to pay for our tasty lunch, I was informed someone had secretly paid for it. Unnecessary, but nevertheless mighty cool. A neighbor got her front yard “toilet papered” (arguably one of the stupidest “tricks” to play on someone). Before she got home, a couple of high school kids saw it, jumped out of their cars and cleaned it up for her. She never found out who helped her out.
 
The point is this: rather than have expectations of others, how about ideas for ourselves? If a holiday wasn’t very joyous, I would rather it be due to my own un-involvement then other people falling short. Better yet, I’d prefer my holiday to be important by my own kind, energetic, and occasionally inspired actions. Be pro-active. Do some cool stuff.  Make it different than seasons before. When we do good, our hearts and souls are lifted. I think that’s what Christmas was supposed to be about in the first place.

It’s closing in on Christmas, and estranged families are extra-impacted by the season. Siblings who have made no attempt to contact anyone in ten years, teenage daughters injured by their divorced Dad who had too little to do with them in recent years; sons  who departed their parents in anger and disgust are but a few examples of Hurtin’ Holiday Humans.
If no further contact is desired, then likely that’s the way it will be. However, there are those who wish they could undo their behavior. This person was aching for a re-connection, and figured there was nothing she could do, so we tried an experiment. Later, a man came in aching for contact with his soon to be married daughter. We (he) applied the same principle: same result.
 
Although she had come in for marital problems, when she started talking about her daughter she began to cry.  She said her daughter had been seeing a guy who was big trouble, but at 19, her daughter wouldn’t listen.  One evening while she was reading in bed, her door flew open and her daughter and her boyfriend stood there with a .38 and shot at her head.  She said she actually heard the bullet rocket past her ear into the wall, then they were gone.  She didn’t call the police but left the state to move here.  When I asked her about her obvious sadness, she told me she had been told her daughter was expecting a child and due in a few months.  Between the tears she said “despite what she did, she’s still my girl and (sob) I want to be there to help her and the baby”.  I was a little surprised: maternal instinct trumped the worst behavior ever.
 
I asked her if she wanted to be the first guinea pig in a brand new experiment: postcard therapy.  The rules, though few, might not be easy to follow. After the discussion, she agreed to try the experiment. The rules were:
* Buy six postcards – any type. You can get blank ones at the post office.
* Send them with odd frequency. For example, one on Monday then on Thursday. The next week on Friday. The next week on Thursday and Friday.
* No lovey-dovey messages. Only friendly chatter such as “after a year of no rain, two inches fell last night. A blue jay and mocking bird were out back having a heck of a fight”, etc, etc.
* By far, the most difficult part is the last rule: you can’t expect anything in return. That means absolutely nothing. Nada. Zip. You are doing this as a kindness and sacrifice for your child, not to win them back. No running to the mailbox hoping for a letter. This is for them, not for you.
 
I saw her two weeks later and she had sent three of the six postcards thus far.  She said the not running to the mailbox was indeed the toughest part of the experiment.  I didn’t see her for another six weeks.  When she came in she patted her purse and told me she had something for me to see.  She reached in and I expected her to pull out a surprise return letter.  Instead, she pulled out an airplane ticket.  Voice cracking, she said her daughter had called and begged her to be with her for the labor and delivery. 
 
She arrived two days before the birth of her first grandchild.  Later, she called me to thank me and said that she and her husband were moving back to her home state and thanked me for “letting me be your guinea pig for postcard therapy”.  A year later it was another homerun with an estranged father and his 23 year old daughter.  This time the child asked her father to come back and walk her down the aisle at her wedding.  The only failure thus far was a woman who angrily came back in to announce the therapy had failed.  She bitterly complained, “The little ingrate never bothered to write me back!”  Whoops, obviously she forgot the final and toughest step.
 
This therapy is born out of kindness and sacrifice for someone.  We also inadvertently lead the way by providing a powerful example about loving behavior.  The worst thing that could happen is that nothing happens.  You’re out the cost of six postcards and stamps and maybe thirty minutes of writing for your efforts.  The best that could happen is that you change their lives and yours. 
Post cards: they’re not just for vacations anymore…

 Hey John,
I’m a guy in his early thirties. I was engaged for a while a few years ago, but we broke up. I have dated pretty consistently since then. I haven’t been looking for a wife as much as just female company. However, for the last two years I have been seeing a girl (woman) who I have fallen deeply in love with. We both feel the same about each other. Even though I really don’t believe in moving in with someone, we did just that about six months ago. She has three kids: a girl (10), a boy (8), and a girl (4). She has been raising them by herself for about the last four years. The father pays some child support, but rarely sees the kids. My problem is this: she is my dream woman except for the fact she always yells at her kids. I know she is tired after a day of work, but it’s yell yell, yell yell yell. Stuff like, “I told you to pick up your toys!” Or, “You two stop fighting!” Or, “You better have your room clean or no bowling party on Saturday!” When I try to intervene in the yell hell, she angrily reminds me I have no idea what type of stress she’s going through (which is not true). Do stressed out mothers ever learn different ways of dealing with issues with their kids? Our future may depend on your answer.
Earache Ed
 
Dear Ed The Boyfriend,
“Our future may depend on your answer”? Yow! That’s putting a lot of heat on this ol’ counselor! I’d better choose my words carefully, eh? The really short answer is yes. However, that is a pretty inadequate response. Making changes in parenting issues can be difficult because many people make automatic responses to their children without giving it much thought. This is especially true when our kids are irritating us. It can just be a I SAID CLEAN YOUR ROOM!! But how do you (or rather, she) like this ridiculous response? The six year old boy was being extra rough with the new puppy. He just (kinda playfully) tossed Mr. Dog up to the ceiling to land on the bed. However, Dog bounced off the bed onto the floor and yelped in pain. Pops spanked him with three pops on the butt, and then informed him there was no Christmas for him. He went to bed sobbing.  It seems like Pops over reacted, to say the least. Discipline / punishment should be intended to teach your kid to act in a different manner, not just make them suffer for pissing us off. If our response is only to show the kid how angry we are at them, it usually teaches nothing. It is also worth noting that plenty of women try to control their children in a similar way, just verbally. Dire warnings, exasperated yelling and promises of bad things to come are somewhat common. However, what they really are is a “vent” for tired frustration. Mom’s whipped from her job and has little patience for misbehavior. Thus Mom hollers: https://upload.wikimedia.org/…/John_Weissmuller%27s_MGM_Tar… Now, as a therapist, I know we need to vent. However, a much greater need might be met by learning how to stop (or at least reduce) misbehavior, rather than just yell. One of the most common regrets I hear from mothers is that they yell too much at their children. So specifically, here’s an idea or two to consider:
* get more out of your children by participating in the chore with them…. and happily. Room cleaning is a perfect example.
* have more realistic expectations of your kids. Children do not have the problem solving abilities to settle a disagreement. Thus, the parent should calmly (as much as possible) sit down with them, listen to the issue and give them a couple of ideas of what they can do. The silent threat that if you need to settle it, they might not like your decision (video games are put up for 24 hours for instance) is always present. They can’t do it, then you do it for them.
* don’t give away your power. Who on earth wants their kids to feel like their parents are helpless? When you merely “vent” (that is, yell), it means you are helpless. Be quietly and calmly threatening with lousy behavior. Think of pissing off the Godfather. Does he get loud? Does he spit out threats? Nope. You know he’s got the quiet power, and you’d better be careful.

Finally, to directly answer your question, it is possible to ♫change your evil ways, baby♪? It takes consistent effort rather than only acting out of habit. If she has a good personal work ethic, with the proper instruction and role modeling, she can indeed improve her parenting skills. However, if she’s just a tired, stressed out mother who only wants a break when she’s with her children, she may continue to yell at her kids and inspire them to leave home as soon as they are old enough. Personally, I’d rather have my kids eventually miss me someday instead of being relieved they away from me. I hope she improves in her parenting skills, and y’all live happily ever after.