Essays~ Reframing: The Art of Looking Deeper
by John S. Sommer
Reframing is the mental art of looking at situations deeper, longer, and usually more accurately. It is sometimes almost a magical ability of altering an aggravation into something meaningful. It also provides one the opportunity to add a large measure of gratitude for events usually hardly ever noticed. The most efficient method of learning this important mental art is through example and continual practice.
The man was complaining: “My new step kids are always running a few minutes late and often miss the bus. As their mom has already left, it’s then my duty to pack them up and drive them to school. It’s like they’re doing it on purpose, and it hacks me off in a big way”. Upon deeper reflection, he realized: “You know, I think they’re missing the bus on purpose because they want to spend more time with me. We usually rock on the way to school and have a fun time. Oh man, they’re doing this to get to spend time with me. I think I’ll tell them that instead of running late, just tell me they really want me to drive ‘em. Still, what a cool compliment….”.
To continue with examples of applying a reframe to a situation:
Situation: The husband would leave work, get home, have supper with his wife, and then settle down to watch a little TV or type out an e-mail to the kids.
Reframe: “I’m just a no big deal guy, and I’ve got this fine loving woman anxiously awaiting my arrival. Plus, she’s been working like a dog cooking up something delicious just for me! How incredible is that?”
Situation: The mother started to run angrily outside as soon as she saw her young kids getting playing in the mud.
Reframe: “These babies will soon be fussin’ over their hair and broken fingernails. I think I’ll go out and get the hose and make more mud for them. I’m going to encourage them to make some nasty old mud pies and get every atom on their bodies dirty. I’ll have fun hosing them down afterward”.
Situation: After a long day at work, Daddy was not exactly in the mood to sit down and do homework with the kids. Although he was a mediocre student with “spotty” homework completions back in the day, his kids ought to be able to get their homework done by themselves.
Reframe: “The only thing my parents could have done to guarantee I’d do my homework would have been to sit down and do it with me. Hmmm….. Additionally, if my fourth grade son doesn’t understand what he’s doing in class, the only way to assure he’s going to pass, is for me to review the chapter myself for a few minutes , then I’ll be his patient teacher. Plus, I’ll give him some permanent memories of the two of us having significant times together, and I’ll be teaching him how to be a fine father himself someday”.
(The Classic Toilet Seat Reframe)
Situation: “Why should I (the male) put the stupid seat down when I’m done if they don’t put it up when they’re done?”
Reframe: “ I love getting 10 points of credit from women for putting out 1 point of effort! It’s important to her? Cool. This one’s a no-brainer”.
Situation: Although she had said goodnight to her two children (same room) she heard them whispering back and forth to each other in the dark. Her first thought was “they’re purposely disobeying me when I told them to go to sleep.”
Reframe: These sweet babies. They love each other’s company so much they want to talk with each other late into the night. It won’t be long before they have their own houses far away from each other and won’t be able to ever do this again. Let ‘em whisper to each other until they fall asleep.
This is not to be mistaken for a “make something good out of something terrible” type of silliness. There are some very difficult circumstances that are not reframeable. Still, a vast majority of our lives bear a deeper look. A two year old daughter begging to be held in the arms of her parent might be a chore for some, but a deeper look would reveal a very temporary opportunity to walk and hold our child before they grow too big to ever be held by us again. Sometimes, all it takes is a deeper look to see the importance of a situation. © 2015 John Sommer
Reframing is the mental art of looking at situations deeper, longer, and usually more accurately. It is sometimes almost a magical ability of altering an aggravation into something meaningful. It also provides one the opportunity to add a large measure of gratitude for events usually hardly ever noticed. The most efficient method of learning this important mental art is through example and continual practice.
The man was complaining: “My new step kids are always running a few minutes late and often miss the bus. As their mom has already left, it’s then my duty to pack them up and drive them to school. It’s like they’re doing it on purpose, and it hacks me off in a big way”. Upon deeper reflection, he realized: “You know, I think they’re missing the bus on purpose because they want to spend more time with me. We usually rock on the way to school and have a fun time. Oh man, they’re doing this to get to spend time with me. I think I’ll tell them that instead of running late, just tell me they really want me to drive ‘em. Still, what a cool compliment….”.
To continue with examples of applying a reframe to a situation:
Situation: The husband would leave work, get home, have supper with his wife, and then settle down to watch a little TV or type out an e-mail to the kids.
Reframe: “I’m just a no big deal guy, and I’ve got this fine loving woman anxiously awaiting my arrival. Plus, she’s been working like a dog cooking up something delicious just for me! How incredible is that?”
Situation: The mother started to run angrily outside as soon as she saw her young kids getting playing in the mud.
Reframe: “These babies will soon be fussin’ over their hair and broken fingernails. I think I’ll go out and get the hose and make more mud for them. I’m going to encourage them to make some nasty old mud pies and get every atom on their bodies dirty. I’ll have fun hosing them down afterward”.
Situation: After a long day at work, Daddy was not exactly in the mood to sit down and do homework with the kids. Although he was a mediocre student with “spotty” homework completions back in the day, his kids ought to be able to get their homework done by themselves.
Reframe: “The only thing my parents could have done to guarantee I’d do my homework would have been to sit down and do it with me. Hmmm….. Additionally, if my fourth grade son doesn’t understand what he’s doing in class, the only way to assure he’s going to pass, is for me to review the chapter myself for a few minutes , then I’ll be his patient teacher. Plus, I’ll give him some permanent memories of the two of us having significant times together, and I’ll be teaching him how to be a fine father himself someday”.
(The Classic Toilet Seat Reframe)
Situation: “Why should I (the male) put the stupid seat down when I’m done if they don’t put it up when they’re done?”
Reframe: “ I love getting 10 points of credit from women for putting out 1 point of effort! It’s important to her? Cool. This one’s a no-brainer”.
Situation: Although she had said goodnight to her two children (same room) she heard them whispering back and forth to each other in the dark. Her first thought was “they’re purposely disobeying me when I told them to go to sleep.”
Reframe: These sweet babies. They love each other’s company so much they want to talk with each other late into the night. It won’t be long before they have their own houses far away from each other and won’t be able to ever do this again. Let ‘em whisper to each other until they fall asleep.
This is not to be mistaken for a “make something good out of something terrible” type of silliness. There are some very difficult circumstances that are not reframeable. Still, a vast majority of our lives bear a deeper look. A two year old daughter begging to be held in the arms of her parent might be a chore for some, but a deeper look would reveal a very temporary opportunity to walk and hold our child before they grow too big to ever be held by us again. Sometimes, all it takes is a deeper look to see the importance of a situation. © 2015 John Sommer
All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.