Hey John,
I am a divorced father of a wonderful second grade boy. I am struggling with, I suppose, a common problem. “Ralphie’s” mother and I divorced for a number of reasons, but a new issue has arisen: she is not caring for my son’s needs. I don’t know if she has become prescription impaired, boyfriend impaired, or just truly doesn’t care. When he returns home from a visit, his clothes are filthy, he is pretty much unwashed, and recently I received notice from his school that he is missing a lot of school when he is with her. By a lot, I mean at least once every four days. I am documenting his school absences, but going back to court in the immediate future seems unlikely. What becomes of a child who has one loving parent and one apparently uncaring one?
Scared Father
 
Dear S.F.,
I’d like to give you some legal advice to consider, but being as I got kicked out of law school many years ago, legal advice seems like a bad idea. Besides, the documenting the infractions seems to be a good idea. And, you are correct: I have dealt with numerous divorces that have one good parent, and one somewhat screwed up one. However, I remind you that you have had plenty of experience with the same (though not as important) scenario with teachers throughout your life. One teacher is properly strict with high expectations of her students. Next period you get Ms. Hilda von Featherhead who lets her students run wild. Does the lack of consistency ruin the students? No. However, would it be advantageous having both teachers on the same page with each other? Certainly. Still, the students adapt. Will your boy volunteer to take a bath at mom’s? No. Will he stay up too late ‘cause she doesn’t know how to be a proper parent? Yes. Will he be massively confused because of the inconsistency of the two parents? Were YOU confused by the two teachers, or did you eventually figure it out?
 
Unfortunately, the responsible parent has to deal with helping his child re-adjust to normal life upon his return. However, patience and loving dedication will ease this constant transition for your son. Also, it’s imperative you hide your anger and frustration from him. Talkin’ smack about a goony parent makes the child protect the offending parent even when they really don’t want to. Just pretend you’re in a high stakes poker game and you can’t show your hand. It’s the same in dealing with your disgust for son’s mother. What kind of chance does he have? I have found that vigorous, energetic, loving and dedicated parenting helps a child grow up to be a good  human being. Even when one parent is a lightweight,  as long as the other parent is a loving heavyweight, your son will likely turn out fine.

Hey John,
My child was very enthusiastic about participating in an activity I also did as a child. I feel that I learned a lot from doing this, and so would she. However, six weeks into the activity, she says she hates doing it and wants to quit. Both her mother and I are worried that we would be teaching her that it’s okay to be irresponsible and quit whenever you want to. Does letting a child quit teach them a lack of commitment in future obligations?
Responsibility First Father
 
Dear Pops,
This question is the kind of question that if you asked three different counselors, you might get three different answers. Should we constantly allow our children to shirk their duties? No. Should we force our kids to continue an activity that causes them great sadness or constant anxiety? Again, no. So how do we teach our kids responsibility and work ethic?
 
Parents need to help pick activities that have a high probability of successful completion and enjoyment. Unfortunately, many parents choose activities that were good for them when they were young. One frequent example I deal with in semi-rural Texas is parents who feel that raising animals for “youth fair” (4H) competition is a healthy endeavor. It appears that they are correct. Raising goats, lambs, pigs, rabbits, etc. is a lot of work, and can result in personal pride, and even some serious cash prizes. However, the hours involved are long and at times arduous. You think it’s a pain to get your kid to feed the dog, or change the kitty litter? Wait until it’s literally twenty times that amount of work. When twelve year old Caitlin is done with her homework, she must now walk/exercise her one sheep, feed and water her, and finally groom her EVERY NIGHT. Many parents are correct in helping their child learn responsibility in this manner. However, some parents, because they have soft, fuzzy memories of their own involvement in years past, over-estimate their child’s desire or ability to do the same, and the activity is full of anger, frustration and was generally a lousy idea. How about the child that discovers they loath playing soccer? How about a softball experience that the coach turns out to be the spawn of Satan? Is allowing our child to change their mind in mid-stream OK?
 
The parent needs to realize (after a good discussion) that if they allow their child to drop an activity, it is an exception to the rule, not the new rule. Do we wish to make our kids unduly suffer in the name of “you must learn responsibility”? Will they now grow up to be a lazy, good for nothing sloth if we let them retire early? It’s pretty unlikely. It’s a lesson for both the child and parent. In the future, activities need to be thoroughly thought out, obstacles anticipated, and proper assistance given by the parent to insure successful completion of the obligation.
 
Children learn responsibility, work ethic, self esteem and eventually their own future parenting skills from their parents far more than through their activities. Participating in activities is important for the children, but the real character building comes from the role modeling of the loving parents.
So, allow me to summarize:
1) choose your child’s activity intelligently
2) help to make it a success
3) if it was a mistake, don’t be scared to make a “rare” exception, and dump the activity.
4) and don’t forget where the true character building comes from.

Hey John,
I have a shaky relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for about two years, and I never know what kind of mood he’s going to be in. He has told me many times that he’s insecure because his previous wife, and later a girlfriend had cheated on him. So, often times when I get home from work, he’ll quiz me about being fifteen minutes late. He’ll say stuff like, “who are you seeing after work?” Last week I dressed normally to go over to a friend’s house. When I got back, he was mad, asking me, “why did you wear a blouse with your boobs hanging out?” It wasn’t a super low-cut blouse or anything, just my normal stuff. Besides, we girls just got together for a couple of glasses of wine, and other than my friend’s husband, no males were around. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around him. Is there anything I can do to improve this situation?
Walking On Egg Shells
 
Dear Ms. Eggshell,
Yes. The answer is quite simple. Wear a burka for the complete “well-covered look”. Then you should quit your job, and only go out in his company. You may want to consult with a Saudi Arabian woman for a more complete list of the things you’re not allowed to do.
Why on earth people feel like they can win (or keep) the heart of someone by making them feel like crap is really amazing to me. Remember back in younger dating days? Even when you would look your best, smell your best and be on your best behavior, we were still competing with people more desirable than ourselves. Or at least, that’s the way it seemed. If we were feeling insecure, we would certainly keep it to ourselves. Who would ever want to appear pathetic in front of the girl he was trying to impress?
So the answer may be that a little self esteem counseling and self esteem building activities might be of assistance to him. If he’s feeling insecure, he’ll need to practice keeping his mouth shut, and try to impress you in a proper manner. If he can’t change, you might want to do some self evaluation about why you would stay with a boyfriend who makes you constantly feel so bad. Be cautious my dear; sometimes lousy self esteem is contagious.