Hey John,
 
I have four family members that live together in one house, and they are doing horribly. I’m talking about no jobs or vehicles, not paying their bills, and frequently needing to go to the bathroom outdoors. I’ve given them money numerous times, but they are unappreciative. When any of them actually gets a job they quit the first week, and sometimes not even show up on the first day of work. All I get in return is negativity and comments like, “How’s it feel to be living the rich life?” My question is: what else can I do to show them that they can better themselves and live life differently/better?
Sincerely,
Bill Gates
 
Dear Bill,
Heyyyyyy...... wait a minute. You mean the REAL Bill Gates?! I’m going to have to assume you just picked the name up out of thin air. Either that or you got tagged with the wrong name to be with these four blood suckers. Speaking of thin air: the family members you are describing may be suffering from an abundance of thin air in their heads. Very unfortunately, some people mistake kindness for weakness. That appears to be the case with these folks. To respond to generosity with smartass statements like “living the rich life” qualifies them, at very best, as ungrateful. At worst: lazy, permanently poor people with an insatiable sense of entitlement.
There are a couple of things to consider in order to help yourself out. First, when someone makes a rude statement about “the rich life”, you are likely going to respond by defending yourself (“rich life? You gotta be kidding. I work my butt off to pay my bills”). You need to learn to not defend yourself when someone inappropriately attacks you (see: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/not-defending-yourself). Second, you are asking the most frequently asked question I receive: How Do I Change Someone Else. If change is possible, often times the best we can do is to role model proper behaviors. Some people learn by the good example of others. Honesty, hard work, and properly placed compassion (i.e., not to be taken advantage of) are great traits to have. According to your sad description, it would appear that these family members are making a profession of being lazy and ungrateful. My advice is to visit when you can, but know that you will depart feeling somewhat discouraged. However, you can still be kind. If they are out of food, a light delivery of grub is more useful than cash.
Don’t let family schmucks rob you of your decency, just get a more realistic view that changing people against their will is not likely. Stay kind, limit your contact, and for God’s sake, call yourself  William.

Hey John,
My husband and I both work. Our hours are about 8 to 5pm. When we get home, it’s a lot of work to get supper made and the kids fed. Then there’s ‘Jared”, our 13 year old. He’s barely making it through 8th grade. He’s smart but lazy. While his younger sister likes doing school work, he misses a lot of homework assignments. He says he’s doing his homework and turning it in, so he doesn’t understand the incompletes he gets. How do you motivate your kid to do his homework?
Eighth Grader Mom
 
Dear E G Mom,
You can’t.
You could re-phrase your question: “How do I motivate my teenage kid to do something he hates to do”? Motivate? It doesn’t seem likely. However, that doesn’t mean there’s not a way to get the work done. Years ago, when I observed a father sit with his eighth grade son and later that evening with his sophomore daughter to do homework together, I thought in my young foolish little head, “That’s really dedicated to sit and do homework with your kids. But when they’re in college and Daddy’s not doin’ the homework for them, they’ll never make it.” This is the family that produced three Masters degrees and three Bachelor’s degrees. What I didn’t know is that it wasn’t doing homework for your kid, it was working along with them. When you work side by side with your child, it tells them that this is what you have to do to learn, or at the very least, pass. Also being taught is the very important lesson that this work is not beneath the dignity of the adult to do. When the foreman of a job assists the crew, he is telling them that this is honorable work. It’s certainly not beneath his dignity to do, nor should it be for his employees. To maintain that this is your kid’s work and not yours, it may not get done consistently.
Also, maintaining good rapport with the teachers means no bs-ing your parents. Homework or no homework, you can usually know by communicating with the teachers. Finally, remember, this is important personal time for a kid with his Mom or Dad. Maintaining a positive, motivated teaching mode rather than an impatient, tired parent forcing their kid to get it done increases the chances of improved school performance and attitude.
 
Sorry you’ve got a lot of extra work Eighth Grade Mom, but who deserves your ability to work hard more than you own kids? Besides, remember your original question?

Hey John,
I am a high school junior, and my boyfriend of six months is a senior. I really care for him, as he does me. I am trying for my school’s valedictorian next year, but my boyfriend is just passing. He’s not sure if he’s going to try to go to college next year, or join the military. Our problem is sex- or rather lack of sex. Although he doesn’t pressure me to have sex, he says (frequently) that “it’s just a natural progression of our relationship”. He reminds me that a lot of our friends have sex, so it’s really not a big deal. I’m unsure as to what to do. I don’t want to lose him for my boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m ready to have sex. How do you know what to do?
Sexless Sadie
 
Dear Sadie,
There are different ways to approach the topic of sex: physically, emotionally, and although not quite as frequent as it used to be, religiously. Although plenty of people go into it without much thought or preparation, you sound like a well thought-out teen. So let’s address the issues as briefly as possible.
Physically: Sex means pregnancy. Should this transpire, next year you walk the stage largely prego while he’s shootin’ craps in the barracks with his army buds. Not a proper way to raise your darling child, eh? Additionally, if the male is less than informed about birth control, then it’s up to the female. Most female birth control messes with your hormones to keep you from getting pregnant (when it works). There are some physical changes that may occur. In other words, the girl does all the work, takes almost all the risk while the boy gets the semi-free ride.
Emotionally: Sex, although referred to in some cruder terms, is also referred to as “making love”. You know, it’s not supposed to only be what you do when you’re horny, but how you love each other when you’re in love. Plus, adding sex to a relationship always alters things. Where things had always been fun, carefree and without much worry, sex can add guilt, worry, and fear of being found out to name a few.
Religion/personal morals: This one is dependent upon a person’s upbringing as well as their own personal values. For the teens who dreamt of having a loving marriage with the amazing children that true lovemaking brings, is early sex violating your own moral code? And even if it’s not a moral breach, how many times in your life do you want to give in to demands  that you don’t want to do?
So, when someone says to me two of the points you bring up, specifically, “I don’t want to lose him for my boyfriend” and “I’m not sure I’m ready to have sex”, I’d vote vigorously against it. He doesn’t get laid, so he leaves? Hit the road Jack. Remember my dear, you are in control of your body, and no one else. Take good care of yourself.