Hey John,
I was raised by a white, middle class family in a medium-size city. I am a college graduate and in a fairly successful business. I have had the opportunity to invest some of our savings into a few rental properties; and there lies my problem. I was raised without any form of prejudice. In fact, I found myself distancing myself from adult friends as they began to drop lousy racial bombs. I would have never tolerated my sons from using such hateful language. However, something is changing in me. All three of my rental properties are being rented by black families. Although not super expensive, these are not low rent duplexes. I am constantly appalled by the condition of my properties when they leave. My last renter (of 9 years!) left so much damage as well as crap behind; it is costing me $12,000 to fix it back up. Another renter left not only their broken furniture, but a garage stacked almost to the ceiling with junk. She even left bags of untouched groceries rotting on the kitchen table! You’ve heard “everything but the kitchen sink”? Another renter took the kitchen sink. I find myself beginning to harbor a dislike for blacks, and I don’t want to be like this. Any ideas?
Fuming in Ft. Worth
 
Dear Mr. Fume,
It sure might have been easier for you had you been born a bigot. Clearly however, that is not the case. I agree with you that you are indeed in a pickle. I used to harbor some degree of “slob prejudice” against the extremely poor. Plenty of low rent places look like junk. Trash in their yard, along with a broken down car or two. Grass and weeds to your knees, etc. Years ago when I was working for the public mental health agency, another counselor and I were sent to a woman’s home who was threatening suicide with some big scissors. We were obviously on the “poor side of town”. Her scared husband met us at the door and escorted us in. My partner and I settled her down, and sat and visited with the rest of the family. This house was so immaculate you could have eaten off the floor. The yard was equally as impressive. They wanted to offer us a coke, but the electricity had just been turned back on two hours before, so everything was still warm. I remember being quietly embarrassed that I had expected nastiness, and instead was greeted with extreme cleanliness.
I don’t know why plenty of people have no self pride or the proper morals to not hurt other people: in this case you. Obviously, as in my scissor case, it’s not only poverty. However, like you, I would seriously object to a group of people changing my world view. You are not asking me renting advice, of which I would be an amateur. So asking first month’s rent, last month’s rent and a substantial damage deposit seems unnecessary for me to mention. As would me suggesting requiring an occasional walk-through to keep renters on their toes. Professional background checks also seem a worthy investment. But enough renters’ advise, of which I have only limited experience. As with people I counsel who work with soul-sucking clientele, I will generally advise them to expand their people base, including socially. Pay attention to minorities who appear to be great human beings. Patient mothers in a store with nice children in tow are inspirational. Hard working men doing talented work are worth carefully noting. People you know, or knew back in the day that are memorable are reminders that not all minorities are sink-stealing slugs. My deceased friend Charles was likely the most talented child counselor I have ever met. I have not forgotten him or his example. Personally, if you are going to stay in the renting business, fight for your right to have your own view of life. You can seriously dislike dishonest people: one shithead at a time. Don’t let crappo people represent all of mankind. They only represent their own sorryass selves.

 
Hey John,
What do I do about my mother who is always late? No matter what’s going on: Thanksgiving, going shopping, having coffee, anything, she’s always 40 minutes late. I have tried everything I know of. I’ve left without her (a bad idea), begged her, stopped making plans with her, everything. I even offered to get her counseling. She went once and told me her counselor was 40 minutes late! What do I do? She really screws up the timetable of anything I want to do with her.
Counting The Minutes
 
Dear Ms. Minutes,
Please allow me to boil this down to its essence: “What can I do to change someone else?” And, to make matters worse, it’s your Mom. All of us are aware of the difficulty of making significant changes in our own lives. To force a change on an unwilling subject is likely to be met with frustration and a lack of success.
It sounds like you spend a fair amount of time with your Mom. I wish I had the opportunity to do the same. As it appears this is not a relationship-threatening issue, but rather an ongoing irritation, I make the following suggestions:
* Don’t tell your Mom you are doing this.
* Make your plans to deal with the handicap. If she was wheelchair bound, you would not plan a hike in the mountains. However, a wheelchair accessible outdoor activity might be great. If she was massively sight-impaired, the movie theater might not be enjoyable for her. She sure might enjoy a concert with the music of her choice though. Thus, with this “time-impairment” handicap, learn to make the adjustment. Consider secretly making the 40 minute adjustment for all of y’alls activities. She’s a lucky woman to have a daughter who spends so much time with her. Make it equally enjoyable for yourself by acknowledging her “issue” as a handicap rather than her lack of consideration. Enjoy your time together. Our lives together are fleeting.
 
 

Hey John,
My husband has really terrible oral hygiene. He has for all of our marriage. The first ten years or so it was ok because I love him, and he is a wonderful love maker. He still is, but I have become more sensitive to his gross mouth. Sometimes it’s like kissing a toilet seat, at least what I think it would be like to kiss one. Gross. But I truly love him. He is kind and generous, a hard worker, and like I said before, he’s a wonderful lover.  Any ideas?
Holding My Breath
 
Dear Breathless,
One of the (many) problems of bad oral hygiene is that to begin to improve, there is a degree of suffering involved. When I was working in residential treatment, the kids NEVER brushed their teeth. When I bought them super soft tooth brushes out of my disgracefully meager paycheck, we had a near bloodbath. Gums get soggy, and the rest is obvious. Consider showing him this letter of yours and offer a kind solution. Perhaps making back-to-back appointments for you both with a good dentist might alleviate a little fear. Let your dentist know ahead of time what the situation is. The new electric toothbrushes seem to be gentle but thorough. Brush y’alls teeth together morning and night. Maybe some rewarding him with good kisses after brushing might reinforce the new behavior. Defeating old nasty habits is a multi-year effort. I hope you can help him. If he isn’t motivated, I’d get a small face mask from your dentist (or other medical friends), draw some good lookin’ lips on it with your lipstick and tell him love making sounds great: just no more kissing. If I was a wonderful lover, I'd sure need to be able to kiss my girl. That would sure motivate ME.

 
Hey John,
Can you counsel cats? I'm just kidding. But it's about cats. My son, who is unreliable in keeping jobs moved in with me six months ago. His ex-girlfriend has custody of their son, but he has him every other weekend. Of course, that means I have him every other weekend, as my son still likes to party with his friends, and leaves four year old "Jason" with me. Then there are the cats. He brought his two grown cats with him, but they are mine to feed and everything else. John, I like cats- just not everyone else's cats. They claw my furniture, and when they are in a bad mood, urinate in various places in the house. Last month my son got a job in a town two hours away. He left the cats with me, as his new apartment is pet-free. I have told him I don't want the cats, but he gets angry with me and tells me if I won't keep them, I should just take them out back and shoot them because that's what the pound will do with them anyway. I'm in a fix. Any suggestions?
 
Cat Stepmom
 
 
Dear Cat mom,
The problem is that your son’s brain is infected with EntitlementMaximus, and you join the ranks of the Frustrated Unassertive. However, you need a solution, not a diagnosis. Entitled people feel like they deserve stuff not because they have earned it, but because they want it. And when they don't get it, it's someone else's fault, not theirs. A potential cure for him might be to ship him off to Calcutta and have him do volunteer work for a year. That seems, however, quite unlikely. It is extremely difficult to change someone against their will. It is possible though to change ourselves. Deciding on a course of action is step one. For example, telling him he now has exactly thirty days to get his pets or you must give them to the local humane shelter. Mark it on the calendar and make the appropriate plans to do it. Secondly and perhaps most importantly: NO BLUFFING. If you can't follow through, then do not say it. No threats, just action. If you are worried about how to deliver the news, you can preface the call with a compassionate statement such as, “I feel so badly to tell you this, but..." When he argues, be kind, but do not defend your position. You can simply repeat the order. Although the transition from unassertive to properly assertive is a bit unnerving for most at the beginning, it may be one of the most important improvements you will ever make. Take a deep breath, say a prayer (or whatever you do to strengthen yourself) and improve your existence.
 
 
Hey John,
Am I being unrealistic in my marriage? We have been happily married for eight years, have two children, and are talking about a third. I know our current and future years are not still the honeymoon period, but I find myself a little less happy than I thought I'd be at eight years. I am the center of our family, and "George" is a less enthusiastic person. He comes home from work and has less patience with the girls than he should have. I notice the kids gripping about each other in the same manner he does. We share chores better than most couples, and he's a good provider. However, he is less and less expressive about being with me. The lack of a warm greeting when one of us gets home is one example of a sad change. I don't need advice on saving my marriage, but making it better. Am I looking at our future: more and more drab? Despite it all, I still love him with all my heart.
Amarillo Annie
 
Dear Ann,
I have to make an assumption here: y'all planned on this marriage being forever, and not just until you bugged each other too much. When we first begin courting each other, all the special stuff comes effortlessly. Dressing up for each other, going out of our way to please the other, basically working to make the other person know how special they are to us. Then, as our life together progresses, we slip into normal/mindless mode. We stop greeting each other with a loving embrace and kiss, happily making little sacrifices for each other, in other words, we stop trying to impress each other. Years ago, when my daughter got a new(er) car, she had to make the transition from a standard transmission to an automatic. Rather than being pleased with the ease of driving, she expressed her concern: “Daddy, this is kinda boring. I don't know what to do with my left foot [the clutch] or my right hand [the gear shift] while I’m driving”.  It's the opposite order with our marriages. We're on automatic in the beginning by trying to make the other person happy. Then, later, we change to a manual transmission; we have to manually change gears with a little bit of effort. So what's the problem? If it doesn't come naturally, we don't do it?
So specifically I'd recommend having a kind sit-down with each other. Rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong, you can remind them of how much you look forward to seeing him, and you would love to be met with a loving kiss (even a light kiss is better than a wave from across the room). Don't be scared to lead the way. Sometimes we boys need loving reminders of how to take care of our girls. Without being overly demanding, help him to remember how to look out for you. He’ll probably need a tune-up or two on down the road. Plenty of older couples lead “normal” existences as pleasant roommates. Personally, I'd rather try to at least infrequently try to impress my girl and keep her in love with me.

Hey John,
I took a class with you a few years ago and one topic (among many) I remember you talking about was good parenting. Except I remember you saying there was a difference between good parenting and great parenting. My wife and I were divorced years ago, and I only had visitation of our kids. Looking back at those days, I think I was mediocre at best. But here we are, and I now have four grandchildren, three boys and a girl. The ages range from four to eleven. I feel like I have one last chance to finally do this right. Can you give me some ideas?
Former Class Member in Colorado
 
Dear Gramps,
One might argue there is a big difference between being a father vs. a grandfather, but I disagree.  Although our time with g.children is more limited than that of a parent, perhaps that makes the time we spend with them that much more important to do it right. As my g.parents were pretty much not a significant part of my growing up, I really didn’t understand the potential impact until I became a therapist. I have worked with a multitude of children and adults who were grieving at the loss of a grandparent. Some shared memories that were profound. Fortunately for me, this enlightenment occurred prior to me becoming a grandparent. So taking what know about great parenting and adding grand parenting to the mix, I will enumerate a few ideas of great parenting.
 
1) Be a great role model. This means you may have to improve some shortcomings in order to present yourself as a better person. Examples are a-plenty. Perhaps you grew up to be a semi-selfish man. It is your duty as a good role model to show and teach kindness and generosity to you children. You were a party hardy dude?  Now, as a father, you must present yourself as a well controlled man. It may not mean stopping alcohol consumption (etc., etc.), but it may mean no excessive use (and related behaviors) in the proximity of your kids. You got yourself quite a potty-mouth. Who wants their third grade daughter in serious trouble for droppin’ a M-F bomb on her teacher? Clean up your excessive cussin’ and enlarge your vocabulary. In other words, try to become the person you want your child to be.
2) Be your children’s entertainment director. You may only have your kids at home for a measly 20% of your entire life. In this brief period of time, what do you want them to remember about their life with you? Have you taught them checkers? Chess? Old Maid? You like sports? Teach boys and girls how to catch a baseball, shoot some hoops, bowl, play ping pong, etc. They may choose to not love a sport like you do, but at least you gave them some memories of having fun with their Dad.
3) If you have a special talent, expose your kids to it. You like photography? Give them a camera, give some easy instructions and take them out on a few photo excursions with you. BBQ man? Involve the kids on how to do it. Let ‘em burn a few hot dogs, then show them how to do it right. Then show them how to enjoy this culinary delight they created. What if you are a serious beer aficionado? How about teaching your kids the subtle differences between numerous root beers (a true story)? An artist? Who wouldn’t enjoy painting alongside their Dad? Throw in some fun instruction, and you have created an important memory and perhaps future skill for your children.
4) Train yourself that every situation, every event is a teaching moment. Coming in 45 minutes late for curfew is a great opportunity to calmly teach intelligent consequences. Reducing the curfew by 45 minutes for the next weekend is great teaching rather than just “getting even” for breaking the rules. Even though there are times we would like to ship our kids to Mars, intelligent discipline is a huge factor in teaching our kids right from wrong. Conversely, doing a good, age appropriate job deserves fatherly recognition. Always.
5) Take your responsibilities to take care of them seriously. Someone recently reminded me that a great Dad takes his child support seriously, even when it is a huge burden. And for those who have remained married, working as best we can to help provide for them shows them how a great father watches over his family.
 
This list has far more than five items. I invite everyone who has an idea to add to send me a note with further ideas I can include in the part two of this important subject. You can get me at JohnSommerCounseling@gmail.com
 
To all fathers and grandfathers, I say this: why settle for good if you can go down in your children’s lives as great? Great rocks.