Hey John,
It’s the week after April 20th, you know: four twenty. A bunch of cities had a pot celebration. But here we are in backasswards, Texas where marijuana is still illegal. Do you think we’ll ever catch up with the rest of the U.S.?
Weed Hound
 
Dear Hound Dog,
As the marijuana lobby is not a wealthy and influential lobby, they do not possess the financial ability to influence the Texas State Legislature. As a result, my guess is that we will be one of the last states to decriminalize marijuana. Although it is politically incorrect to discuss moderation rather than strictly abstaining, let’s break the rules for a minute.  Obviously, from a health and performance standpoint, abstaining from marijuana use is the best choice. But, for the current user, let’s talk about moderation. As an example, it is possible to consume alcohol in moderation. Most people don’t drink simply because the opportunity arises. However, plenty of pot smokers consume their drug for exactly this reason. Adding to this temptation is the fact that  marijuana is less detectable than alcohol is. I suggest the “mentally change the drug to alcohol” test. I know some kids who light up on their way to school. Let’s change the drug to two or three shots of vodka. Would that help make the next eight hours of school easier? If it’s not a good time to drink, it’s not a good time to smoke. Marijuana is certainly not a performance enhancing drug. Like it’s legal counterpart alcohol, it’s a “party drug”. And, very much like it’s counterpart, once you lose control of your formally moderate use, you will almost never get it back.
So WeedHound, if you can’t control this drug, you will end up getting lost with it, or have to give it up completely. And, even with all of this to consider, remember two final notes. We are not supposed to spend most of our lives chemically altered. And don’t forget, due to the illegal nature of this drug, a conviction, even for a misdemeanor can permanently screw up our lives.

“Dear Abby” is actually the daughter of the original advice columnist, making her Dear Abby, Jr. So the issue at hand is a fairly recent letter to Junior approximately stating the question that, once again, deals with a woman and S-E-X. Crabby has shown an obvious bias (to put it pleasantly) towards a woman’s “right” to engage in most sexual matters, especially if the male may not approve. So allow me to paraphrase:
Dear Crabby, I’m an 18 year old female who has had a boyfriend for the last two years. Recently, he told me he needed to “find himself” and we broke up. The next weekend I went to a party and had sex with someone I didn’t know. Two weeks later my boyfriend asked me if I would take him back, and I said yes. Now I don’t know what to do. If I told him I screwed a stranger, he’d break up for good. But, if I don’t tell him, I’m worried he’ll find out from someone else. I don’t know what to do.   [signed]Deeply Concerned
And Crabigail’s approximate bizarro response:
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not obligated to tell him anything unless you have contracted an STD. If he can’t handle the truth, he’s not worthy of being your boyfriend. After all, he was the one who broke up with you.
 
Holy hotpants Crabbington! You are now this gal’s conscience guide? When a client comes in deeply concerned about something, to tell them “you have nothing to worry about” is useless. Remember telling our three year old child that there was nothing to be afraid of when they were going to bed? How did that work out for you? Additionally, you grossly underestimate the power of having sex. You may think it’s just another “thing to do”, but you are wrong. It is a powerful physical and psychological act that yields numerous consequences. Did ex-girlfriend do this to “get even” with the ex-boyfriend? Was she drunk at the party and regrets her diminished capacity? Did she want this to transpire and really had a great time? You assume the latter, but being as she expresses regret for the act, my guess would be it's one of the first two choices. Your “it’s a woman’s choice” position is not the issue here, in spite of your own freed self. This girl is asking for your help, and the best you can offer is, “don’t worry about it”? Perhaps you should occasionally consult with a counselor.
So re-reading her question above, here’s this therapist’s answer:
 
Dear D. Concerned,
I share your concern on a number of fronts. Mr. Boyfriend was lucky you took him back after he pulled the plug on y’alls long relationship. Still, I think you need to consider the stability of a relationship that ended so abruptly, then resumed. As I lectured Abby Jr., you also underestimate the power of sex. Having immediately jumped into the sack with a stranger, an STD check is absolutely essential. You will be instructed to have a follow up HIV check in the following months. As you do guilt about as poorly as I do, consider waiting until you have genuinely reestablished your relationship with Mr. Boyfriend (weeks? months?) and discuss it with him. Although he will rightfully be hurt, you both have screwed up your relationship. If you have a sound future together, it will include forgiveness.
p.s. Watch out for that alcohol at parties thing. Mistakes made during times of impairment can be life altering, and sometimes life threatening.

Hey John,
My teenage kids have come to live with me recently. Their mother was tired of their lousy behavior, so she shipped them off to me. Since they have arrived, I have a long list of offenses. The older girl is cutting school frequently, and my slightly younger son has been drinking, smoking weed and took my car without my permission. Two weeks ago they stole my mother’s credit card and ran up $700 worth of charges. I don’t want them to have a record, especially my daughter who is no longer a juvenile, so we just chewed them out. I feel guilty on a number of levels, as I was an out of control teen, and I am no good at discipline. I am lost and don’t know what to do. Is there anything that would help?
Was A Bad Boy Too
 
Dear BB 2,
Many of us, myself included, have had periods of our life that we were stricken with massive unassertiveness. The best some parents can do is yell empty threats to their offending children. The only thing that is accomplished by this is making the parent feel a tiny bit better by unleashing their anger. But that’s all it does. If I went to three classes, skipped the rest of the semester, and still got a B, why do you think I would ever go to class? The reality is, however, I would flunk sure as the sun will rise. No question. This is a tiny example of the accountability that we have been taught. The kids would seem to be lacking the basic premise of this. Whose fault? Who knows. However, they are now living with you. The only way I know to “instruct” a kid that stealing seven hundred clams is wrong is to teach them it’s wrong.
As this will be a new reality for them, it’s only fair to instruct them ahead of time that the rules of the game have changed. Any improper behavior needs to be dealt with, and there can be absolutely zero bluffing. A stolen credit card needs to be reported to the credit card company and the local police instantly. The same with a stolen vehicle. Next, go down to the school and see what they are planning to do about the missed days. Unless you learn to teach your children right from wrong, you have failed as a parent, and you are damning your kids to a probable life of sadness.
When I’m working with massively bad-behavior kids, I have to have some assistance from the parent(s) for me to succeed. You can’t just send them to a counselor to fix them without your help. I’ve seen bunged-up kids make amazing turnarounds, but not without help. Gang up with a counselor for ongoing instruction and assistance. Just because you are poor at discipline, it doesn’t mean you are beyond learning. Come on Pops, save your kids.

Hey John,
I am a recently recovering drug user. A few years ago I was with some “friends” who were transporting a large quantity of methamphetamine and they (we) got arrested. It was a miracle I was granted probation rather than the more likely ten years of prison time I was anticipating. I am currently employed and have a new girlfriend. We are living separately, but we are talking about me moving in with her and her four year old daughter. I know the normal route to continued sobriety is being in a 12 step program, but I just don’t like it. We are in a city large enough to have a lot of NA programs to choose from, and I have been to a number of them, and they still don’t click with me. I am grateful for my new life, and I want to finally succeed. Do you have any ideas for me about what to do to keep happy and drug free?
Loving Life
 
Dear Life Lover,
First off let me share my excitement and enthusiasm for your new life. As we both know, many people we know never get this opportunity to love the beauty of life. You are not only something of an exception, but you are also graced with an appreciation of this gift.
Early drug use is often a “boost” to life. Later, it mutates into a weird way of avoiding the negativities of our lives. Then it’s a catch-22: being strung out creates such great turmoil that people use to somewhat forget about this crappy life they’ve created. No one has the absolute solution to this super sad problem, but, as you have noted, genuine involvement in a 12-step program has a good percentage of success. However, as you stated you don’t do well with this program, you’ll need to find your own way. As I have a pretty lengthy background in recovery issues, I offer you the following suggestions:

• Be aware of the numerous and new “highs”. For example, being in love. How can we express our love and appreciation? The wonder of a child loving and trusting us? What cool things can you teach her? How about the extreme beauty of the change of seasons (except Texas summers of course)? Include indulging in local trips. Around here, we have a fabulous State Park, an Enchanted Rock and a Swinging Bridge, to name just a few. Get loaded on beauty and being amazed. It’s a cool high.
• Rather than run or escape from stressors, turn towards them and embrace them. Although suffering sucks for every single person, it is inescapable. In doing so we learn to be brave and problem solve. This is a tough one, as plenty of lost drug users (alcohol is obviously included) are extra-inclined to use in times of stress. Start viewing some suffering as painful but potentially enriching. A comparison would be hard physical workouts. They make you sore as hell, but the end result is a somewhat buffed up human. Suffering is an occasional workout for our heart and soul.
• Work at not becoming blasé at being amazed at the things you see and feel being straight: sixth month or sixth year. Recovering or not, my personal perspective is that in the 21st century of zombieland, many folks walk through life working, sleeping, texting, watching TV and going back to work again. In working at always trying to be amazed, we are so much more aware of the gifts we are constantly given. It’s the best high of all.