Hey John,
I really want a better relationship with my sister, but she has become increasingly cold in the last few years. Our conversations are short, and she comes to visit less and less. We are a family of high performance siblings who inherited the business from our Dad. He made it clear from the very beginning we were to run it without “Susie’s” input. She has been the free spirit of all of us, and my Dad had always treated her with less respect than the rest of us. Regardless, I have tried to maintain a good relationship with her, and we are now losing each other. Is this a solvable problem?
Business Betty
 
Dear Betts,
I’m always a little amazed that parents don’t realize that when they show favoritism (or worse, contempt for a child), they deeply sow the seeds of discontent for the children between themselves. I know that different parents have different styles and priorities, but it’s hard to figure out what goes on in the mind of a parent who teaches their children to dislike each other. Perhaps it’s born from selfishness: “I want this business to succeed, and I don’t care who gets hurt”. Perhaps a narcissistic parent: “This is what I want, and my needs are the only thing that matters”. Maybe it’s just plain stupidity. I don’t know. But what I do know is that it takes a nearly superhuman effort from the wise sibling to help maintain a good relationship with Daddy’s black sheep sibling. Occasional “different” communication, such as a nice postcard, coupled with calls to check up on your siblings’ kids, etc. is a good start.
Secondly, privately including your sib in eliciting their opinion on business matters might be beneficial to the both of y’all. You don’t have to advertise you are soliciting your sibling’s business opinion, just do it, and consider it. Sometimes a “free spirit” perspective is worthy of serious consideration. Finally, remember, it took your Dad a number of years to poison the family, and thus, it may take a number of years to administer the anti venom.

Hey John,
We need a referee in a minor discipline issue. My son is seven and usually a real joy. However, his personal hygiene is not always so good. A few months ago we had some friends over the house. “Zander” was walking around smelling pretty bad. It was obvious to me, and I assume my friends, that he had either pooped in his underwear, or, more likely, had, for the 100th time, not wiped his butt properly. I was disgusted at his lack of self pride and I told him he was really stinking it up. He was embarrassed, but considering the seriousness of his smelly error, he deserved to be. Later my wife told me I was out of line. It’s her opinion I should do discipline privately, and not in the company of others. In this case I disagree because he has been lectured before on this problem, and it’s had no effect. I say that the public embarrassment added more motivation for him to take this matter more seriously. What do you say?
 
When I worked at a children’s residential facility, I discovered the boys were not using soap when they took showers. Instead, they washed their hair with shampoo and “got clean” as the shampoo rinsed out of their hair, down their bodies! No wonder they had a consistent smell about them. Then there was another boy, we’ll just call him B.O. BillyBob. I went and bought him deodorant out of my own pathetic pay check and “urged” him to use it. The next day, it was still Pepe le Pew. He insisted he had put it on, but it didn’t work. I got the can of spray and asked him to show me how he put it on. He took the can, lifted up his stinky arm pit and sprayed it... ON HIS SHIRT. Yow! My bad. I thought everyone understood how to put on deodorant. My error, not his.
At the risk of getting too gross here, may I suggest you pay attention to the slightly sickening details of how YOU wipe your butt. How to fold the paper, how many times you get some more paper, how to know when you’re done, etc. Then, as non-embarrassingly as possible, you have a little private class with you son. You can even lie a little to him and confide you also had a problem with wiping when you were young. A live demonstration is not necessary (whew). His rear stinks? Your bad, probably not his. As for the embarrassing your son in public, it sounds like you are a good Dad with proper expectations of your son. Thus, an action like you describe was born from anger and disgust, not good teaching. Get back to being a patient, good Dad and teach your kid lots of stuff.
P.S.  obviously your wife was right about this issue.
 

Hey John,
 
So here I am again, feeling worse and worse as it gets closer to Sept 5th. In a nutshell, I was married to a monster for 12 years. We lived in a small cabin in Utah, so we were cabin-bound for part of the winter. I endured more physical abuse than your readers want to hear about. The grand finale was the abortion my husband “motivated” me to get. I have become addicted to an older prescribed drug, Phenobarbital. I have had this habit for about the last ten years. I am divorced from monsterman, but every year I become more despondent than ever as I approach what would have been my daughter’s birthday. Am I damned forever to mourn my loss? What can I do?
Utah Annie
 
 
Dear Annie,
This is a difficult, multi-layered problem. However, there is a big difference between difficult and impossible. Let’s take this one thing at a time. If there is a drug addiction involved, it is very difficult to make progress on other essential issues until it is dealt with. Phenobarb has been a very useful medication for specific problems, seizure control for one. You don’t state the level of use of this powerful barbiturate, so I will assume the withdrawal may be dangerous. You very likely will need medical assistance for the start of this. I hope for insurance, and if that’s the case, some excellent nationally renowned treatment centers offer much help. Hazelton, Sierra Tucson, Betty Ford, and La Hacienda are a few. Do some internet research. If no insurance is an issue, contact local counselors or Councils On Alcoholism and Drug Abuse for recommendations. Tell them the drug you are using.
Next is the bereavement issue. Although not every woman who has had an abortion grieves, and subsequently suffers from depression, a great many do. This is particularly true when the abortion was pushed on the mother by outside influences. Panicked mothers, “protecting” their pregnant daughters, angry, bullyboy husbands or boyfriends not wanting the responsibility, or even furious mothers, convincing their daughter to abort the child to punish the errant father are all cases therapists have seen. Bereavement counseling with a competent therapist can be of great help. Additionally, there are helping agencies of great value. Project Rachel at hopeafterabortion.com and afterabortion.org are two of many agencies helping women. Their assistance has been rated as invaluable. There is excellent help within reach.
Finally, as a survivor of terrible physical abuse, abortion and drug addiction, you seek to continue to improve your existence. Although the journey is long and difficult, you sound like the type of person who would be up to the task. It reminds me of the anonymous mountain climber who, after scaling Mt. Everest was quoted as excitedly saying: “one down and plenty to go”.