9/30/17
 
Her Mom was (is) a serial divorcer. She has been married, or lived with someone for an extended period of time six, seven, eight times. A few of the "husbands" were genuine A*holes to her as a child, and her mother never protected her. Her biological father was never in her life, although she knew of a couple of his incarcerations. She came in rightfully concerned about the likelihood of "turning out like my mother". "I want a better life for me and my two kids, but I seem to be a shit magnet like my mother. I am attracted to the worst guys in the world- just like my mother. How do you change the way you seem to be destined to be?"
He was fifteen when I first met him. He was my very first "cutter", although he kept it a secret from me for six or seven months. When I saw the cuts I told him, “You know, as your mom's ripoff insurance isn't paying for me, so my charge is you teaching me about cutting”. He very reluctantly walked me through the last incident and I realized it wasn't “making a statement” about his shitty life, IT WAS A TRANQUILIZER! As he cut, he became calmer and calmer. We worked diligently together, and he finally discovered new methods of calming down. When I talked to him a few years ago (he's in his thirties now), he called to rage about a terrible incident(s) that happened to someone dear to him. I called him back the next day to ask if he had been drinking last night, and he said yes. I reminded him that his massively dysfunctional father, of who he broke off contact with years ago, was a very heavy drinker. When I asked him if drinking was the new cutting, he began to cry. Now, years later, he has two issues to work on: learning new strategies of calming yourself down properly AND consciously working at defeating the call of your genetics. The call of genetics seems to be somewhat inconsistent. Sometimes it's fantastically powerful, and sometimes it's hardly visible. The counselor-type question is this: are we destined to follow our genetic code, or do we have a choice? Everyone will say we have a choice, but is that true? How do we defeat genes that point us toward a sad life like those that came before us?
 
First and foremost, we need to evaluate our lives and decide upon a philosophy of life. Are we OK just living from day to day, with nothing ever really changing or improving in our lives, or do we set out to challenge ourselves in order to get better at almost everything? My great friend Jack was pretty uncoordinated in sixth grade. While many of us would put on our baseball gloves and easily toss the ball around, Jack was a lousy catch. Everyone at that age who was poor at something would find something else to do. Jack was the single exception. Day after day, even being the last one chosen on a team, would join us in our daily 2-on-2 games. Despite his lack of sports popularity, he persevered and got as good as everyone else. I had completely forgotten those days until, a few years ago when, during a visit from my now distant friend, I watched him in our backyard tossing the ball around with my 30 year old son. I was shocked by the old lost memory of his “stubbornness”, and subsequent success. You would think that if a sixth grader can change his "destiny", most people could.
A 16 year old angrily proclaimed, “my Dad’s a shitty father. He screams at all of us kids, and punches my mother”. When I asked him what he was on juvenile probation for, he said it was for beating down a kid at school who had pissed him off. I looked at him, raised an eyebrow with an expression of, “aww, isn’t that cute? Like father like son”. He hadn’t even considered the connection before. We worked with diligence at slowing down and keeping his brain functioning when he got mad. I saw him working downtown about four years later, and he pulled me aside to tell me he and his wife were expecting their first child. He continued, “I’ve still got a temper, but I’m working on it all the time. No way my kid is gonna see the same crap I did”. As I was shaking paws goodbye, I congratulated him while reminding him that the work is never completely over.
 
Nowadays when I work with my multitude of teens with drug-infested parents, I inform them of our potential genetic danger. Although it’s not guaranteed, we’d be stupid to not be aware of it. My little stoner teens proclaim they’ll never use “dope” (the new term for meth). They are more than surprised when I inform them that not all teens want to get drunk or stoned all the time. That could mean they have an  increased sensitivity to liking altered states. They might get more pleasure from the drug high than other kids due to their weird genetics. If so, and drug tastes “mature” over time, meth may be in the future mix. Certainly too much alcohol is predictable.
So step two seems obvious: never let your guard down. Just because you’re OK at 22 doesn’t mean the genetic monster doesn’t awaken in times of crisis at 31. If you need guidance, seek out a therapist that carries credibility with you. Know what you are going to do instead of letting your genetics decide for you. Cop an attitude about being forced to do something against your will. Genetics is not your master. Dream of greatness and always work towards it.

Hey Mr. John,
I am a 14 year old girl and my best friend is having a lot of family problems. If she messes up, her Dad acts like he doesn’t like her anymore. It really makes her sad. Her step-mom tries to be the super cool mom by letting her have sex. She tells her that she (the step-mom) had sex at her age, and it won’t hurt her. Her mom smokes a lot of weed, and last month smoked with her. My friend said she had never smoked a blunt before, and she got too high. Her Dad found out and hasn’t talked to her in two weeks. I feel like I’m losing the best friend I’ve ever had, and I don’t know what to do. I read all of your stuff online, and I know you say it’s always a big problem that people are trying to make someone else change, but I can’t just give up on her. What do I do? 
Lonely Best Friend
 
Dear Fine Friend,
We have two problems here: yours and hers. Let’s take hers first. This is a job for genuine counseling. Ask around to see if any of your friends have met a good one. Call the counselor and get some instruction on how to motivate her to go in. S/he might tell you for you to make an appointment for yourself and talk your friend into going with you. In situations like this, the kids can seek help without a parent’s permission. Although it is preferable to include the parent in deciding to get counseling, it’s not required with drug use or abuse. As goony mommy might object, she may want to just go with you. The counselor will have plenty of issues to help with, but an obvious one is how to overcome the dysfunction of having handicapped parents. Blunt-smokin’ stepmom is trying to “bond” by getting loaded with your friend. Her dad, rather than being there to stand up for her, abandons her. This really has the potential for long lasting issues. Motivate her to get competent counseling. If the initial counselor isn’t any good, then shop around. There’s usually a bunch to choose from.
As for you, as a good friend and a good person, you need to work hard on your friend’s behalf. Step one: try not to let her make you so discouraged you disgustedly give up on her. Stay in contact with her. Remind her that young sex may mean young pregnancy and means her screwed up parents will now screw up her child as well. If she is unadvisedly going to engage in sexual behavior, she needs to be knowledgeable about birth control. However, fourteen year old abstinence is highly advisable. Be a positive model for her. You might be her reminder that there are normal, loving people in the world. Text her friendly notes, spend time with her. Have her over your house for supper and/or spending the night. Never underestimate the influence kindness and love can have on people.
Secondly, re-read the first part of this. This is likely a job for a good counselor. A pathetic woman figure coupled with a father abandonment issue is a big deal. She likely needs the big guns in addition to your loving kindness. But one thing is for certain: everyone needs a fine friend like you.

Hey John,
My son needs to take his medication, and I am having an increasingly difficult time making him take it. How do I motivate him to stay on it?
Pulling My Hair Out
 
Dear Hair Puller,
Unfortunately, you don’t say what the medicine is for. Is it ADHD meds to help him focus at school? Is it anti-psychotic medication to control mental illness? Is it an inappropriately prescribed antidepressant to a teenager whose real problem is not depression but a screwed up family? Thus, the answer depends on the situation. Let’s just pick one scenario: ADHD medication for a fifteen year old boy. Being respectful of our teenagers takes a lot of self control. The fact is, unless you’re going to do a Three Stooges gig by shooting it down his throat with a giant pea-shooter, he is in charge of swallowing. Eliciting his cooperation takes some clever negotiating.  If he agrees his school performance is suffering, you can paint a potential picture of success. Picture a modified version of the movie Limitless: a magic smart pill. Who wouldn’t want that? It’s typically not quite that dramatic, but sometimes it can be. Often times, if the diagnoses was correct, it can be a big help in concentration and performance. Additionally, you can offer a deal: “son, are you willing to try an experiment? Let’s begin the Ritalin experiment at the beginning of the semester. At the conclusion of the semester, let’s see if it was of any value to you. If it was, I think you should consider continuing the medication. If it wasn’t helpful, stop taking it.” If he agrees, you will need to ask him how you can help him to remember to take it. As it was probably your idea, you have the responsibility to assist him. Be sure to watch for initial side effects such as sleeplessness or loss of appetite. Be loving and clever in helping him through this transition. If you change your demeanor from frustrated boss to patient teacher, you will usually meet with considerably less resistance.

Hey John,
My two kids were taken away by Child “Protective” Services. I am allowed to see one of my kids, but not the other. I don’t know why I can’t see my son, and they aren’t explaining anything to me. What can I do?
Almost Childless
 
Dear Almost,
CPS has an enormously difficult job in protecting children. In my younger years I worked in a residential treatment center for abused, neglected children. In reviewing some of their histories, I was stunned at the level of cruelty some screwed-up sub-humans could perpetrate upon their children. While I was trying to repair the damage from these monsters, it occurred to me that the CPS caseworkers were the ones who were present when the kids were still bleeding. I couldn’t imagine a more difficult (or important) occupation. However, there are many cases that are left to the discretion of an individual caseworker without proper direction from their supervisor. Some caseworkers are so used to smackin’ heads with dysfunction adults, they begin to think that all their clients are equally dysfunctional, and treat them with some lack of respect. This is where hard working, talented supervision is imperative. If the caseworker is jaded and the supervisor unskilled or lazy, the parent can be hung out to dry. If you think you (or your child) are not receiving proper treatment, you can contact the caseworker AND the supervisor in a brief letter outlining the problem and your request. Send the letter “registered, return receipt requested”, and keep a copy for yourself. In this manner, you will have proof of your attempt to resolve the problem. Further, if you feel the agency is in the wrong, seeking out a local attorney who specializes in CPS cases is the next step. If you don’t know who it is, call a few attorney’s offices and ask them for names of those specialized lawyers. Sometimes a show of proper force motivates a caseworker to take this case more seriously (and respectfully). In the event CPS was right all along, you should work hard at gaining new skills to make you a remarkable parent. Actually, you ought to do that anyway.

Hey John,
I am a gay person in a questionable relationship. My Mom doesn't like my girlfriend because she, according to my Mom, treats we with disrespect. Maybe I'm so used to it, I don't see it. How do you know if your relationship is not a healthy one?"
Broken Hearted Bess
 
Dear Bessie,
As a therapist in a medium-small West Texas town, I have dealt with this question numerous times. Thus, I assume in a large city, this issue must be far greater in frequency. As gays are a minority, this issue stands out somewhat more prominently. However, when you look at the whole picture, this is a relevant issue regardless of sexual orientation. So, if you remove the gender orientation issue, the question might be: “Hey John, I seem to have a problem in picking angry men/women for mates. We start off rosy, but two years later, he/she yells at me and becomes massively degrading when angry. Two days later he comes tearfully apologizing for losing his temper. Three weeks later, I’m a worthless, stupid *beep* for making him angry again. Because I pick people like this, am I worthless and stupid ? Do you think I’m a shit magnet?
 
For both Bessie, and Ms. Magnet, the answer may be the same. A few things are concurrently in play here. With many angry or divorced parents, the kids grow up with no clue on the proper behavior for people when they are angry. They rarely observe good problem resolution skills, and thus anger has no manners. Plus, let’s not forget genetics. If one has inherited a serious anger issue from one parent or the other, it is a lot of work to learn to act like a lady or a gentleman, much less when angry. Please note I did not say impossible, just a lot of work. Secondly, it seems many people are so afraid of being alone, they will make huge compromises in order to have someone at home. Will they eventually become accustomed to this negative existence and subconsciously expect it in future relationships? Quite possibly. Thus, it’s not necessarily being a magnet, but a victim of reduced expectations.
So, what to do? If you are already in a lousy relationship, discuss anger expectations (at least), and prepare yourself for a healthy single existence. As it’s a lot of work to change ourselves, if I could write a book on “How To Change Other People”, I’d be a zillionaire.
Eventually meet people in positive places, not some crappy bar. Don’t be pathetic and move in with each other quickly. The dating gig takes plenty of dating time. Learn to expand your physical and intellectual activities. In other words, do healthy stuff for yourself.
 
As for proper rules of a healthy relationship, here are only a few:
*go out of your way for each other
*help each other feel good about yourselves
*extend kindness, even in anger
*in anger, don’t say anything you later wish you hadn’t said
*pay attention to observed good relationships. Even in movies, but better yet with your own eyeballs, learn by observing great people. Pay attention. Try to copy greatness.
 
We are supposed to making up our own book of our life. Why accept mediocrity, or worse, a lousy life? Dream of happiness, and always work towards it.

This inquiry originated not from a Hey John email, but rather from a compilation of questions from numerous parents. The most recent was an involved parent concerned about her young (6) son’s sensitivity and lack of self confidence. So with that as a preamble, allow me to combine and paraphrase these inquiries:
 
Hey John,
“I am a very involved parent with three children under the age of ten. They are polite and usually good with one another. My girls are more into school than is my son, but they are all good students. Each has their own distinct personality. My son is considerably shyer than the girls, and will make comments like, “well, I can do that too” when one of the girls excels at something. I want to raise my kids to reach their full potential, but not have an unhealthy competition with each other. My husband is in full agreement. However, when our son is whiny, he’ll respond with “knock it off”, while I’m more sympathetic. Do you have any ideas about how we can raise our children to be productive, loving adults?”
Parents Looking For Good Ideas
 
Dear Good Parents,
While there is no sure fire method of guaranteeing raising happy, successful human beings, there are some basic premises that increase the odds of success. While we understand the old saying, “two heads are better than one”, the same holds true with parenting. While many single parents succeed at raising good children, two loving parents are better than one. Having an appropriate male and female role model increases the odds that the kids have a template of a good man and a good woman. If one is single, having a good opposite gender role model, such as a devoted grandparent, is an important addition. In the case of this letter, we are dealing with the loving inquiry of what sounds like a good mother and father.
Showing proper respect for each other lays the groundwork for the children to do the same as they grow older. Problems the parents deal with in an appropriate fashion lays the same important example. Kids don’t get confused when their Dads tell them to suck it up, and the Mom is more tender or sympathetic. Each parent has their own role. Sometimes we swap roles with each other, and the kids just adapt. I find that making kids feel important helps their self esteem. Asking their opinions is a cool boost. In work projects, helping them to succeed in the task at hand, from homework to mowing the lawn, to re-arranging a room is an important lesson in the positive value of work. Doing it with them means that the job is not beneath the dignity of the parent. Plus, it’s loving time spent with the parent, which is a very positive reinforcement for the value (and fun) of work.
Problems are inevitable, so it’s important to not take a current issue and extrapolate it into predicting a grim future. A child who lies about their involvement in an activity due to the fear of the punishment doesn’t mean we are raising a pathological liar who will now begin to lie about everything. Proper punishments (i.e., accountability) are extremely important in helping teach our kids right from wrong. In the same context, noting or rewarding good behaviors serves exactly the same important purpose.
Finally, relax and enjoy this ride. If you live to be 95 years old, you will have had your children living with you for a very small portion of your life. Practice at being amazed at this lively, loving and important time in your life. You are going to have three good nights of sleep, wake up, and they are moved out. So I remind you once again: be amazed.