Hey John,
I am the mother of three kids: two girls and a boy. We are a tight knit family, as we are very involved parents to very nice, though sometimes challenging children. However, this challenge we could have done without. Recently our seven year old boy dropped an “N-bomb” at school. Although he appeared not to mean it in an angry way, the little black kid in his class (his friend) was wounded. His teacher called us in to discuss the matter with us and our son. He was clearly deeply humiliated. He had already had a discussion with “Peter” and apologized to him. I was disappointed and angry with him. His father, on the other hand was much more upset than I was. On the drive home he unleashed on him: “what’s wrong with you anyway?” And “where did you learn to talk like that? Certainly not from us!” And on and on. He went to bed early that night and nothing more was said. My question is, how much influence do his friends have on him? Will his teachers think of us as drooling racists, teaching our kids such human disrespect at home? Does he not know right from wrong? Do we have to isolate him from bad influences for the rest of his in-school life?
Distraught Mom
 
Dear D-Mom,
You are worried about the wrong thing. You are scared that your son will exhibit improper behaviors regardless of y’alls teachings. Hopefully these poor behaviors will be few and far between. However, based on our own experiences in growing up, we both know there are things we have done that our parents would have objected to. The real concern is when our kids screw up and we don’t know about it. When our kids mess up, it is the perfect opportunity to teach them right from wrong.           
You asked, “Does he not know right from wrong”? The real answer is: usually, but not always. Our lives are full of lessons, and sometimes we have to learn by screwing up, and suffering the proper accountability. Obviously this includes positive reinforcement for good behavior as well. The brains of children are not fully developed, and as good parents, it’s our duty to teach them and help them develop. Remember that kinda scary soft spot on the head of your newborn? I like to think that older kids have a soft, undeveloped spot in their head.
As for isolating him, it’s just not possible. We can be selective about some of his friends, but the reality is: we need to empower them to know right from wrong when they are away from us. [See: the scary days when your daughter starts dating]. So the reality is this: when our kids mess up, it is the perfect opportunity to teach them. Parents long for easy behaviors to deal with. Personally, I long for opportunities to teach my kids so they’ll turn out okay.

It’s closing in on Christmas, and estranged families are extra-impacted by the season. Siblings who have made no attempt to contact anyone in ten years, teenage daughters injured by their divorced Dad who had too little to do with them in recent years; sons  who departed their parents in anger and disgust are but a few examples of Hurtin’ Holiday Humans.
If no further contact is desired, then likely that’s the way it will be. However, there are those who wish they could undo their behavior. This person was aching for a re-connection, and figured there was nothing she could do, so we tried an experiment. Later, a man came in aching for contact with his soon to be married daughter. We (he) applied the same principle: same result.
 
Although she had come in for marital problems, when she started talking about her daughter she began to cry.  She said her daughter had been seeing a guy who was big trouble, but at 19, her daughter wouldn’t listen.  One evening while she was reading in bed, her door flew open and her daughter and her boyfriend stood there with a .38 and shot at her head.  She said she actually heard the bullet rocket past her ear into the wall, then they were gone.  She didn’t call the police but left the state to move here.  When I asked her about her obvious sadness, she told me she had been told her daughter was expecting a child and due in a few months.  Between the tears she said “despite what she did, she’s still my girl and (sob) I want to be there to help her and the baby”.  I was a little surprised: maternal instinct trumped the worst behavior ever.
 
I asked her if she wanted to be the first guinea pig in a brand new experiment: postcard therapy.  The rules, though few, might not be easy to follow. After the discussion, she agreed to try the experiment. The rules were:
* Buy six postcards – any type. You can get blank ones at the post office.
* Send them with odd frequency. For example, one on Monday then on Thursday. The next week on Friday. The next week on Thursday and Friday.
* No lovey-dovey messages. Only friendly chatter such as “after a year of no rain, two inches fell last night. A blue jay and mocking bird were out back having a heck of a fight”, etc, etc.
* By far, the most difficult part is the last rule: you can’t expect anything in return. That means absolutely nothing. Nada. Zip. You are doing this as a kindness and sacrifice for your child, not to win them back. No running to the mailbox hoping for a letter. This is for them, not for you.
 
I saw her two weeks later and she had sent three of the six postcards thus far.  She said the not running to the mailbox was indeed the toughest part of the experiment.  I didn’t see her for another six weeks.  When she came in she patted her purse and told me she had something for me to see.  She reached in and I expected her to pull out a surprise return letter.  Instead, she pulled out an airplane ticket.  Voice cracking, she said her daughter had called and begged her to be with her for the labor and delivery. 
 
She arrived two days before the birth of her first grandchild.  Later, she called me to thank me and said that she and her husband were moving back to her home state and thanked me for “letting me be your guinea pig for postcard therapy”.  A year later it was another homerun with an estranged father and his 23 year old daughter.  This time the child asked her father to come back and walk her down the aisle at her wedding.  The only failure thus far was a woman who angrily came back in to announce the therapy had failed.  She bitterly complained, “The little ingrate never bothered to write me back!”  Whoops, obviously she forgot the final and toughest step.
 
This therapy is born out of kindness and sacrifice for someone.  We also inadvertently lead the way by providing a powerful example about loving behavior.  The worst thing that could happen is that nothing happens.  You’re out the cost of six postcards and stamps and maybe thirty minutes of writing for your efforts.  The best that could happen is that you change their lives and yours. 
Post cards: they’re not just for vacations anymore…

 Hey John,
I’m a guy in his early thirties. I was engaged for a while a few years ago, but we broke up. I have dated pretty consistently since then. I haven’t been looking for a wife as much as just female company. However, for the last two years I have been seeing a girl (woman) who I have fallen deeply in love with. We both feel the same about each other. Even though I really don’t believe in moving in with someone, we did just that about six months ago. She has three kids: a girl (10), a boy (8), and a girl (4). She has been raising them by herself for about the last four years. The father pays some child support, but rarely sees the kids. My problem is this: she is my dream woman except for the fact she always yells at her kids. I know she is tired after a day of work, but it’s yell yell, yell yell yell. Stuff like, “I told you to pick up your toys!” Or, “You two stop fighting!” Or, “You better have your room clean or no bowling party on Saturday!” When I try to intervene in the yell hell, she angrily reminds me I have no idea what type of stress she’s going through (which is not true). Do stressed out mothers ever learn different ways of dealing with issues with their kids? Our future may depend on your answer.
Earache Ed
 
Dear Ed The Boyfriend,
“Our future may depend on your answer”? Yow! That’s putting a lot of heat on this ol’ counselor! I’d better choose my words carefully, eh? The really short answer is yes. However, that is a pretty inadequate response. Making changes in parenting issues can be difficult because many people make automatic responses to their children without giving it much thought. This is especially true when our kids are irritating us. It can just be a I SAID CLEAN YOUR ROOM!! But how do you (or rather, she) like this ridiculous response? The six year old boy was being extra rough with the new puppy. He just (kinda playfully) tossed Mr. Dog up to the ceiling to land on the bed. However, Dog bounced off the bed onto the floor and yelped in pain. Pops spanked him with three pops on the butt, and then informed him there was no Christmas for him. He went to bed sobbing.  It seems like Pops over reacted, to say the least. Discipline / punishment should be intended to teach your kid to act in a different manner, not just make them suffer for pissing us off. If our response is only to show the kid how angry we are at them, it usually teaches nothing. It is also worth noting that plenty of women try to control their children in a similar way, just verbally. Dire warnings, exasperated yelling and promises of bad things to come are somewhat common. However, what they really are is a “vent” for tired frustration. Mom’s whipped from her job and has little patience for misbehavior. Thus Mom hollers: https://upload.wikimedia.org/…/John_Weissmuller%27s_MGM_Tar… Now, as a therapist, I know we need to vent. However, a much greater need might be met by learning how to stop (or at least reduce) misbehavior, rather than just yell. One of the most common regrets I hear from mothers is that they yell too much at their children. So specifically, here’s an idea or two to consider:
* get more out of your children by participating in the chore with them…. and happily. Room cleaning is a perfect example.
* have more realistic expectations of your kids. Children do not have the problem solving abilities to settle a disagreement. Thus, the parent should calmly (as much as possible) sit down with them, listen to the issue and give them a couple of ideas of what they can do. The silent threat that if you need to settle it, they might not like your decision (video games are put up for 24 hours for instance) is always present. They can’t do it, then you do it for them.
* don’t give away your power. Who on earth wants their kids to feel like their parents are helpless? When you merely “vent” (that is, yell), it means you are helpless. Be quietly and calmly threatening with lousy behavior. Think of pissing off the Godfather. Does he get loud? Does he spit out threats? Nope. You know he’s got the quiet power, and you’d better be careful.

Finally, to directly answer your question, it is possible to ♫change your evil ways, baby♪? It takes consistent effort rather than only acting out of habit. If she has a good personal work ethic, with the proper instruction and role modeling, she can indeed improve her parenting skills. However, if she’s just a tired, stressed out mother who only wants a break when she’s with her children, she may continue to yell at her kids and inspire them to leave home as soon as they are old enough. Personally, I’d rather have my kids eventually miss me someday instead of being relieved they away from me. I hope she improves in her parenting skills, and y’all live happily ever after.

Hey John     

I’m recently married.  My wife has an eleven year old son.  I have a problem with his eating habits.  He can’t live without sodas and crappy food.  We were mowing the lawn and we were both really thirsty.  I went in and brought out 2 cold waters.  He raised a fuss and took one sip.  He said he’ll  just wait for his Dr. Pepper.  I can’t get his Mom to help me help him to be more healthy.  Both he and his Mom are pretty plump.  I can’t convince her that it is in his best interests to not grow up to be fat.  Am I out of line in pushing healthy food?  Is my step-son destined to be Fat Freddie?
 
Healthy Dad
 
 
Dear Mr. Health,
 
First off-did you know this woman and her son before you married her?  I assume you did.  What has changed since you fell in love with her?  I agree with you that introducing your family to a healthier life style would be in their best interests.  But, the question presents itself:  how much right do you have to insist these people follow your way of life?  I assume you fell in love with wifey for reasons beyond your desire to watch her change her diet.  You underestimate the influence you can have by quietly leading the way.  You also underestimate the amount of resistance you will create by being a nagging pain in the posterior.  So here’s a few recommendations. 

1. Be a loving, supportive husband to your wife, and step father to your new son.
2. Go shopping with your wife once in a while.  Pick out the healthy stuff you want, and pipe down about whining about the case of Dr. Pepper and 3 bags of pork rinds she might buy.
3. Introduce junior to a few tasty treats.  Don’t take it personally if change comes slowly.  Cheese or peanut butter on celery, cut carrot sticks with ranch dressing, toasted seasoned baked pita chips are all fun to eat.  If no one eats them, you eat them.  Kids are starving after school – it’s a good time to tempt him with clever tasty grub.

Be an active loving husband and father.  Be a good example and relax.

Hey John,
I am writing to get a second opinion on a family matter. I am currently seeing a counselor who has shared her advice, and I tend to agree with her. I had a long standing boyfriend with who I had a daughter with. She is currently thirteen years old. Her Dad was sent to prison for a non-violent crime. But he caught a long sentence. We had broken up long before his incarceration, but we still shared our daughter back and forth. Since he got locked up I decided I didn’t want her to see him. He has asked numerous times if I would let her come to see him, or at least let them communicate with letters. I said no. I still carry a lot of anger and resentment towards him, so basically: screw ‘em. Our daughter doesn’t ask about him so much anymore. However, I am seeing some acting out behaviors from her. She is rude to my live-in boyfriend, and has had some bad behaviors at school. I don’t know if it’s the fact she doesn’t have a dad anymore, or if it’s me, or what. My counselor told me she believes I have the right to cut him out of her life because I’m her mother. But now that I’m seeing behaviors from my daughter, I’m not so sure. Have you had any experience with cases like this? What do you think?
Her Mom
 
Dear Mom,
Yes, I have had numerous cases like this in the last forty years of counseling. When I started this column, I was fully aware of some serious limitations  I would have in comparison to my normal face-to-face counseling. An obvious one is that I am asked my opinion on matters of which I have only limited information about. Secondly, you don’t know me, so I may lack the credibility I might have if you knew me better. That second issue is a big one here, because your counselor is dead wrong. This is not a parental rights or woman’s rights issue at all. It is only a What Is Best For Your Daughter issue. You didn’t share what your ex is locked up for. If he is for a dangerous man who needs to be under lock and key, you should keep her away in order to physically protect her. For example, if he were a wife-beating, child-torturing SOB, he needs to be out of her life. As you stated it was a non-violent crime, it could be drugs, prostitution, theft, fraud, etc., etc. Further, you stated your decision was based on your anger and resentment towards him. I don’t want to alienate you here, but that’s a seriously poor reason to kill any communication with him. You asked for my professional opinion, so here it is:
1) Tell your girl you may have errored  in not letting her communicate with her dad.
2) Write him and tell him he may write her. However, all letters (at least for a while) need to monitored by you.
3) Help her to write back. As you had previously stamped out their relationship, you will need to tutor her on how to write a little chatty letter. Help her address the envelope, and mail it together if you can. Remember, kids nowadays have likely not written a letter in their lives. You’ll need to teach her.
4) After a while (six months?) you might allow him to call her. Limit the calls to about 10 minutes, at least for a while.
5) If he’s a worthless father, she’ll figure it out pretty quickly and she’ll reduce the contact.
 
The bottom line is this: if we use our children as a weapon to punish their other parent, it almost always does damage to them. They will eventually seek out the other parent when they are older, and will always be resentful of the parent who punished them for no reason. I don’t know if this will help her in her current acting out behaviors, but it’s likely to help her future.

Hey John,
I am married with three kids. They are nice children. My husband of twenty years is a great husband. Although we are not particularly wealthy, it would seem that our difficult poor days are behind us. With all this good stuff in my life I still find myself being negative about things. These are things that go wrong, but my take on them is too negative. This isn’t depression, but what? Age? I don’t yell at my son about his homework, but it seems like an extra burden for me. Reading to my youngest daughter seems a chore as of late. How do you stop looking on the stressful side of so many events taking place?
Ms. Gustine Grim
 
Dear GG,
Many of us parents would agree that the above named chores can be taxing. However, it is possible you are engaging in quick thinking. That is, quickly considering a situation and deciding it’s worth (and stressful effort). A repetitive chore is often a drag. However, expanding your consideration for a little longer may reveal something you hadn’t seen. Your daughter will never be 14 years old, sitting on the bed, mesmerized by the story you are telling her. So the deeper truth is: tick, tick, tick toots; you’re almost out of time. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. This is the process of reframing. It’s not looking at a half- full or empty glass and it’s not putting a positive spin on an event: it’s seeing the truth in a situation.
Reframing is the mental art of looking at situations deeper, longer, and usually more accurately.  It is sometimes almost a magical ability of altering an aggravation into something meaningful.  It also provides one the opportunity to add a large measure of gratitude for events usually hardly ever noticed.  The most efficient method of learning this important mental art is through example and continual practice. Again, reframing is The Truth about the situation.
The man was complaining:  “My new step kids are always running a few minutes late and often miss the bus.  As their mom has already left, it’s then my duty to pack them up and drive them to school.  It’s like they’re doing it on purpose, and it hacks me off in a big way”.  Upon deeper reflection, he realized: “You know, I think they’re missing the bus on purpose because they want to spend more time with me.  We usually rock on the way to school and have a fun time.  Oh man, they’re doing this to get to spend time with me and to show me off.  I think I’ll tell them if they get the bus on time on Monday, I’ll drive them the rest of the week. Showing ME off. Ha! It’s cool.” To continue with examples of applying a reframe to a situation:
 
            The husband would leave work, get home, have supper with his wife, and then settle down to watch a little TV or type out an e-mail to the kids. 
Reframe:  “I’m just a no big deal guy, and I’ve got this fine loving woman anxiously awaiting my arrival.  Plus, she’s been working like a dog cooking up something delicious just for me!  How incredible is that?  If I could have seen this in a crystal ball when I was 18, I would’ve freaked out. It’s amazing”
 
Situation:  The mother started to run angrily outside as soon as she saw her young kids getting playing in the mud.
Reframe:  “These babies will soon be fussin’ over their hair and broken fingernails.  This time is going to be short lived. I think I’ll go out and get the hose and make more mud for them.  I’m going to encourage them to make some nasty old mud pies and get every atom on their bodies dirty.  I’ll have fun hosing them down afterwards”.
 
Situation:  After a long day at work, Daddy was not exactly in the mood to sit down and do homework with the kids.  Although he was a mediocre student with “spotty” homework completions back in the day, his kids ought to be able to get their homework done by themselves.
Reframe:  “The only thing my parents could have done to guarantee I’d do my homework would have been to sit down and do it with me.   Hmmm…..  Additionally, if my fourth grade son doesn’t understand what he’s doing in class, the only way to assure he’s going to pass is for me to review the chapter myself for a few minutes , then I’ll be his patient teacher.  Plus, I’ll give him some permanent memories of the two of us having significant times together, and I’ll be teaching him how to be a fine father himself someday”.
 
Situation: He suffers from FlatTire-a-Phobia: fear of a flat tire in an old Suburban where the spare is impossibly stored underneath the car. As he turned into his driveway, his car lurched: a flat tire! Aiieee! As bad words formed in his head and blood pressure quickly rose, a greater truth appeared to him.....
Reframe: Although he loathed flat tires, if there was any place on earth to get one, it would be right here, in his driveway, 20 feet from his compressor and extension hose. The perfect place for a flat. Ahhhhh....
 
(The Classic Toilet Seat Reframe)
Situation: “Why should I (the male) put the stupid seat down when I’m done if they don’t put it up when they’re done?!”
Reframe:  “I love getting 10 points of credit from women for putting out 1 point of effort! It’s important to her? Cool. This one’s a piece of cake”.
 
Situation:  Although she had said goodnight to her two children (in the same room) she heard them whispering back and forth to each other in the dark.  Her first thought was “they’re purposely disobeying me when I told them to go to sleep.”
Reframe:  These sweet babies.  They love each other’s company so much they want to talk with each other late into the night.  It won’t be long before they have their own houses far away from each other and won’t be able to ever do this again.  Let ‘em whisper to each other until they fall asleep.
 
This is not to be mistaken for a “make something good out of something terrible” type of silliness.  There are some very difficult circumstances that are not reframeable.  Still, a vast majority of our lives bear a deeper look.  A two year old daughter begging to be held in the arms of her tired parent might be a chore, but a deeper look would reveal a very temporary opportunity to hold our child in our arms before they grow too big to ever be held by us again.  Sometimes, all it takes is a deeper look to see the importance of a situation. Practice plenty and ye shall reap the rewards of a life properly appreciated.

Hey John,
I have a terrible problem, and I know I need a lawyer, not a counselor. But I can’t afford a lawyer, and you’re free when you are HeyJohn. My ex-husband “B” and I have had an ongoing war about the custody of our seven year old daughter. I live in Texas, and he lives in Louisiana. He hates my current boyfriend (and hates me too). He knows Jorge smokes pot. I used to as well, but haven’t smoked much in the last few years. He called child welfare and said our daughter was in danger because of drugs. They said I had to give them a urine analysis or they would take my daughter. My pee test came up clean. So then they said they wanted to do a hair follicle test. I showed trace amounts of THC. I had smoked a little a week or two before and it showed up on that super sensitive test. My bad ex took me back to court a month later, and the judge gave him primary custody of our little girl. I never had any arrest, charges or anything. Do you think that is fair? I’m going crazy without her, I miss her so much. What can I do?
Crying Mom
 
Dear Crying,
In this format, I do not have the opportunity to ask some important questions. To clarify the situation, I’d ask:

1. Have you had “Child Welfare” in your life before? If so, why?
2. Is smoking the weed a precursor to other drug use? Have you had a problem with drugs (/alcohol) since your daughter was born?
3. Any priors with the law?

I have more questions, but rather, let’s take your letter on face value (in other words, “no” to all three questions). Is it proper to remove a child from a family because a parent has smoked marijuana? From a legal standpoint, as I was kicked out of law school after my first year, I don’t know the answer. I do know, however, a parent receiving a first offense DWI/DUI (no kids in the car) would likely not lose their kids due to this first misdemeanor offense. If they did, all my hundreds and hundreds of DWI students over the years would be childless. Thus, from a moral standpoint, it would seem that such a child- parent life altering decision based on a non-arrest pot smoking situation would be on extremely shaky grounds. It makes me hope, in some bizarre way that there were other serious circumstances involved. Otherwise, this would be a travesty of justice.
 
As to what to do, I would first seek out free legal aid from my town, as this is likely now a legal issue. If they won’t help, get a referral from them. If I could not get help, I would write a brief, concise letter to all local news publications. Here we have BrownwoodNews.com , the Brownwood Bulletin, the Abilene Reporter News and the Ft. Worth Star Telegram. Follow the publication’s instructions as to not exceed the maximum length. Next, work on your own physical and mental health. See her as much as you are allowed. Keep the visits upbeat and fun for her. No complaining or crying (from you). We need to put up a good front on our children’s behalf to keep them as worry-free as we can. Do not deal with your sadness with chemicals, especially alcohol. Anti-depressants can help, as might SHORT TERM use of an anxiety medication. If you are a church attendee, it would seem like an especially good time to re-connect. Consistent exercise can also be very helpful, as it gives a sense of accomplishment and control as well as endorphin release in the body.
 
I am not suggesting smoking marijuana is great for parenting, but it sure as hell is not so dangerous that a child should be removed. I wish you perseverance. May your love of your child bring the best outcome for her.

Hey John,
Now that my kids have reached the age that their compliance to my wishes is challenged, are there parenting ideas to get teens to be less resistant to my parental requests? A recent example: my daughter wanted to go into town to the local carnival. I told her as long as her room was cleaned, she could go. When her two friends arrived ready to leave, I looked in her room, and it was its normal pigsty self. We had a medium fuss, but I reluctantly let her go anyway. I was angry all weekend, and thought there must be a better way to do this. Ideas?
Perturbed Parent
 
Dear PP,
First and foremost, a parent needs to train themselves to anticipate what’s going to happen. This one would have been an easy one to predict. So the carnival deal was cut on Thursday, Friday morning and after school, the parent might have reminded their sloppy teen that the carnival was looming. THEN, it’s time to whip out the Parental Mighty Martial Arts Technique.
 
I was 17 and made the mistake of calling my friend's judo tournament a karate tournament. He quickly admonished me and told me there were virtually no similarities between the two martial arts. He further lectured me: "Karate is for animals. It's meet-force-with-force. You block and strike back. Judo however is a real martial art. You take the attacking person's energy and move with them to disable them. That's why a 100 lb. woman can completely disable a 300 lb. attacker. It's a lot of throws rather than blows".
I have incorporated young Mr. Kawaguichi's summary into my own work with children, especially teens. Rather than attacking an issue or disagreement head on (force with force), it is far more efficient with the going-with-the-energy approach. A child complains to his father than he had said he was going to shoot some hoops with him after supper, but the Dad had to sweep out the garage first. The judo approach was to ask the son for a solution to the dilemma, as he (the Dad) definitely wanted to play, and daylight was running out. The boy suggested he could help the Dad do the sweeping, as long as the Dad promised to shoot hoops, even if got dark. Perfect.
A daughter, returning home on vacation from her first semester from college was concerned about curfews. In her first semester in college, she had no curfew, and didn't want to be treated like a baby at home. A karate approach would be to tell her tough luck: deal with it. The judo approach was to address her objections and figure out a solution. “I agree that a curfew seems to be a step backward. However, when your mother gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and you’re not back, she’ll never get back to sleep. What shall we do?” It was finally agreed that regardless of how late she anticipated coming home, even 3 A.M., she would keep her self-imposed "curfew". If she had decided to spend the night at the friend's house, she would call no later than 1:00. The family later reported that although they were initially nervous about the compromise, she kept her word. As a side note, they were amused that despite the no-curfew agreement, she was usually home around midnight.
In your case, after the return from school, the parent might have lovingly (vs. threateningly) told the daughter, “your friends are going to be here at 7. I’ve got a few extra minutes to chip in and help you clean your room. May I provide you some assistance?” Then make it as much of an enjoyable experience as you can. Try to avoid predictable responses such as, “Oh my GOD! This old piece of pizza has enough mold to start a penicillin factory!!”  Just make her glad she asked you to help her out. In the event she refused your kind help and still didn’t keep her agreement, we now move into the proper accountability stage. However, that’s another topic for another inquiry. Obviously there are times when the parent has to pull out the because-I-told-you-so card, but the joy of dealing with issues by going with the other person's “energy” by adding a few twists or flips of our own is the superior martial art of parenting.
 
You will find yourself a bit inept at this brand of martial arts for a while, but as in judo (or karate for that matter), it takes practice to get good. If we expect our kids to improve, then so should we. In time, you may earn your fifth degree black belt in the Parental Mighty Martial Arts Technique.

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ESSAY DEALS WITH DRUGS IN A NC-17 MANNER. THIS IS A REAL DEAL, AND NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. IT'S PRETTY DIRECT.

Okay, here's the deal: I've been debating the origin of this essay. I am indeed a little weary and in need of a small vacation. However, I have lately had a slew of banged up teenagers who come from really shitty home environments. With mom in prison, she lives with eight other people at grandma's horribly managed house. Another kid who responded to my question, "do you ever have any meals together at the kitchen table?" said: "No. It's either in my room or on the living room floor watching TV. We don't have a kitchen table". So, when I worked with a father 25 years ago, and now his daughter has permanently lost her kids as she heads to prison, I penned an essay addressing this issue. Maybe it's a good idea to occasionally take the kids gloves off.


Someone came in last week and asked a rather intriguing question. They asked, “since you have been a therapist for so many years, is there stuff you know now that surprises you?”  I really have pondered that question and the answer is, unsurprisingly: yes. So how about if we narrowed down the inquiry to, “what’s the most shocking thing that you didn’t know before”?
 
Remember in the great movie The Sixth Sense when we observed the sick mother adding slow acting poison to her daughter’s food? What kind of screwed up human, mental illness or not, would do such a thing? In my forty years of counseling, I have yet to meet anyone suffering from Munchausen syndrome (purposely causing your child to suffer so that you get people’s sympathy). Personally, I believe it would be difficult to ignore the paternal instinct of absolute disgust and remain completely clinical with such a person. However, in retrospect, perhaps I have observed a close diagnostic cousin over the years. Because I have been practicing for so many years, I have had a family generational vantage point most therapists do not have. I am now in my third generation with some families. As such, with my more torn up families, I get to see a trickle-down effect of family dysfunction. The following example is a melding of a handful of situations.
 
He was in his early thirties when he was truly lost with methamphetamine. He was one of my first IV drug users. One harrowing story was when he did a shot so huge, he had to have a junkie companion hold the syringe and finish the shot for him. He was “pinned to my chair with electricity when two young teenage girls came in. While they were being escorted to the back to ‘trade’ for meth, I wanted to scream to them to stop. They had no idea how bad this gets. But I was helpless with my own huge shot, and couldn’t speak.” A year later I did my first (and only) 11pm emergency crisis with him at my office. I could see his extreme heart rate in the  carotid artery in his neck. I talked him down from his suicide plan, and he started to come back in for counseling. Over the years he has been in rehab (and did very well), later relapsed and took his marriage to the brink, saved his marriage with his sobriety, relapsed, got straight again, and I finally lost track of him. Who didn’t I lose track of? Guess.
 
Not unlike The Sixth Sense, he has spread his poisonous dysfunction to his three children. All three of his kids has been poisoned by “David”. His son is on probation and has lost permanent custody of his children, one daughter is in prison, and the youngest daughter I last saw with a broken nose, headed back to the abuser, and permanently depressed for having lost all three of her kids. For good. No one to celebrate Mother’s Day with again- ever. Is it genetics? Is it the toxic environment? Who really knows. Regardless, he owed it to his children to fight and defeat his love of meth, and to vigorously teach them how to fight their probable genetic predisposition for the love of altered states. So thirty years ago he was hammerin’ home a giant shot, and here we are thirty years later his personal needs have poisoned his kids.
 
So little “lost control of your drug (including alcohol) users”, picture this amazing scenario: your cute four year old daughter runs up to you when you arrive home. She wants a ride on your feet as you walk around the house. Walk with her back to your room and tell her you have a surprise for her! Help her roll up her shirt sleeve and give her a shot of meth. Her veins are small, so be careful! Just a little one, cause it’s going to take a while before she is big enough to do a bigger shot. Later, maybe at eleven or twelve, you can help to walk her into a friend’s back room and teach her about trading for her drug of choice. Bring a change of clothes for her. You don’t think that’s her life because of you? Are you serious? Of course it is. In this small town, I have an easy dozen of next-generation lost young people. You think it’s just about you? Of course it’s not. So here’s the options:
 
*Permanently repair your life. Rehab, 12-step, counseling, religion, on your own.... it doesn’t matter. You dedicate your life to changing the future of your children and grandchildren. You don’t whine, make excuses, slip up...... you dedicate your life to your children. Either do it or don’t do it.
 
*Teach them the skills they will need to combat their probable genetic weaknesses. Problem solving, stress and anxiety durability, and ability to handle suffering are all going to prove to be necessary skills to make them the improved generation.
 
*Model really good behavior, even if you have to pretend. If we intend for them to be better than us, we have to give them a picture of what that is. Never let your guard down.
 
*If you find you do not possess the paternal or maternal character to devote your life to your children, put your kids up for adoption as soon as they are born. All of them.
 
If you decide you do not love your children and just can’t improve your life, at least accurately picture the events correctly. As you take a hit off the dirty pipe (or pathetically drunkenly rage), vividly picture you putting four drops of poison in their milk every day. In this manner, you will kill them slowly. Kill their kids too. It would have been so much more humane to let a family adopt them when they were young. You should seriously consider that last option. However, I would rather fix my life and save my kids. I have never met an altered state I loved more than my children.

Hey John,
I have a question about my oldest son. He is a good child, helpful around the house, plays nicely with his siblings, good grades, kind and inclusive at school, etc. But when my husband or I try to instruct him on something, he gets uncomfortable sometimes to the point of tears. A simple example: we were all learning how to do push-ups (they mentioned doing them in gym class), I was correcting Johnny and little sister Jane’s form. Jane (5 years old) had no problem accepting the correction. Johnny started laughing, fidgeting, doing something goofy, etc. It isn't until you get firm with him that he will "listen" and even then you can tell it is painful for him to get corrected. He finally does it correctly then mumbles on his way out of the room “I did it right the first time”. This drives my husband nuts as he thinks he isn't being respectful and should be open to learning. I think Johnny has an issue with not being perfect and I am trying to figure out how to curb the anxiety when he doesn't get a 100% or do something right the first time. 
 
James would say that Johnny can't be a perfectionist because he doesn't work on something over and over to get it right. I don't think you need that to want to be perfect all the time. However, James is a huge perfectionist and I definitely used to be. Anyway, I am reaching out mainly because we want Johnny to be comfortable with learning new things and accepting criticism. Any advice you have would be appreciated!
 
What’s the primary focus here: wanting your child to be comfortable learning or “acting right”? Most parents I have worked with would be plenty aggravated when their kid appears to not be listening, then departs and mutters he did it right the first time. So is it perceived disrespect that is the issue here? As this appears to be your eldest child, the fact is that y’all have never entered into this part of the child rearing arena before. That being the case, we parents have much to learn as well. Remember going from nursing (or the bottle) to solids? How did that new digestion system like it? As I recall, it was a semi-painful (and stinky) transition. The same is true with most of these developmental steps. This is the beginning of learning how to learn. It’s another painful transition. We know as adults, to admit you don’t know something is a sign of strength and willingness to learn. As a kid, means you must be stupid or something. Remember not asking a question in class for exactly this reason? Take deep breath good parents; it’s ok to have some little boy ego issues with learning. Girls’ egos are easier to deal with than boys. Relax. Patiently teach, and regardless of their reaction, they’re learning. You want him to improve at learning? It seems appropriate that y’all lead the way.
ps: if we have some bad habits we do not wish for our children to learn, it’s best to either improve upon them, or hide them away. Over perfectionism comes to mind. Let’s keep these kids healthy, and raise them to be better than ourselves.
 

Hey John,
My teenage kids have come to live with me recently. Their mother was tired of their lousy behavior, so she shipped them off to me. Since they have arrived, I have a long list of offenses. The older girl is cutting school frequently, and my slightly younger son has been drinking, smoking weed and took my car without my permission. Two weeks ago they stole my mother’s credit card and ran up $700 worth of charges. I don’t want them to have a record, especially my daughter who is no longer a juvenile, so we just chewed them out. I feel guilty on a number of levels, as I was an out of control teen, and I am no good at discipline. I am lost and don’t know what to do. Is there anything that would help?
Was A Bad Boy Too
 
Dear BB 2,
Many of us, myself included, have had periods of our life that we were stricken with massive unassertiveness. The best some parents can do is yell empty threats to their offending children. The only thing that is accomplished by this is making the parent feel a tiny bit better by unleashing their anger. But that’s all it does. If I went to three classes, skipped the rest of the semester, and still got a B, why do you think I would ever go to class? The reality is, however, I would flunk sure as the sun will rise. No question. This is a tiny example of the accountability that we have been taught. The kids would seem to be lacking the basic premise of this. Whose fault? Who knows. However, they are now living with you. The only way I know to “instruct” a kid that stealing seven hundred clams is wrong is to teach them it’s wrong.
As this will be a new reality for them, it’s only fair to instruct them ahead of time that the rules of the game have changed. Any improper behavior needs to be dealt with, and there can be absolutely zero bluffing. A stolen credit card needs to be reported to the credit card company and the local police instantly. The same with a stolen vehicle. Next, go down to the school and see what they are planning to do about the missed days. Unless you learn to teach your children right from wrong, you have failed as a parent, and you are damning your kids to a probable life of sadness.
When I’m working with massively bad-behavior kids, I have to have some assistance from the parent(s) for me to succeed. You can’t just send them to a counselor to fix them without your help. I’ve seen bunged-up kids make amazing turnarounds, but not without help. Gang up with a counselor for ongoing instruction and assistance. Just because you are poor at discipline, it doesn’t mean you are beyond learning. Come on Pops, save your kids.

Hey John,
I am a sixteen year old boy, and I’ve got a question. What do you do when your mom chooses her p.o.s. boyfriend over her son? I had a little problem with the law a year ago, but I’m almost done with probation. I’m surviving in school, and will probably graduate in two years. “Stanton”, my mom’s boyfriend likes to push me around. I know that sometimes I’ve got a mouth on me, but nothing that would deserve getting shoved into the wall. And, it’s happened a lot. A few months ago, Stan “the man” slapped my mom around. When I stood up for her, I got held down and slugged a bunch. Mom called the women’s shelter, and they moved us in for three months. Just when I thought we were rid of him, my mom told me she was going back with him, but he said she had to come without me. So she’s shipping me to my older cousin’s house fifty miles away to live. Do you think that’s right? Did I make this happen by standing up to him? I know I’m not always the easiest kid to live with, but this seems wrong to me. What do you think?
Sixteen Without A Mom
 
Dear Sixteen,
I don’t know what your definition of “having a mouth on me” is, but most adults know a whole lot more about disciplining a teenager than shoving him around, much less punching him out. So, just for your own self-improvement, I would suggest learning how to angrily express yourself without going nasty-mouth nuclear on people. However, that isn’t the main issue. Creepo McToughguy is a fool. Assuming your description is accurate, he is an abusive bad guy, and your mom a somewhat pathetic victim. As a kid, the logical way to see this situation is your mom abandoned her son for her boyfriend. However, as an adult, the deeper way of viewing this is that your mom is sad, needy, makes really bad choices, and her boyfriend meets her need to be wanted. Understanding our parents’ failures is not the same as approving them, but it may help with adding an extra measure of pity for their tragic weaknesses. Despite the obvious abandonment, the fact is that you are hopefully in a healthier and safer place than you were before. I’d suggest you try to stay in contact with your mom a couple of times a week, and try to not bad mouth The Creep, as abused women make endless excuses for their screwed up spouses. Instead, by being a better son than she may deserve, you will be reminding her what love and loyalty are all about. And if you’re so inclined, drop some prayers in her direction. She’s going to need them.

Hey John,
I have two children, a boy and a girl. My son is seven, and my daughter a few years older. Last week she came in and told me the boys were behind the garage playing “family”. When I got back there, they both had their britches down, showing each other their “pee-pees”. I don’t know if there was any other physical stuff involved, but this is the second time I have caught my son with this boy with pants down. I got mad, sent the other boy home, and sent mine to his room. The first time it happened, I called the other boy’s mother (I was calm), and told her what had happened. She pretty much just blew it off, saying something like “boys will be boys”. This family is dysfunctional, with no consistent male figure in the family. Lots of males, but none that stick around, if you know what I mean. My son doesn’t have very many friends, so I hesitate to end this friendship. Am I being overly protective? Is this type of behavior just normal development for boys? What should I do?
Worried Mom
 
Dear Worried,
I do not have statistics at my fingertips, so I can’t quote you a national average of little boys who wag their wieners at each other, but, like you, I’ve got red flags flyin’. Are boys a little overly infatuated with their penises? Probably. But other boys wieners?  Not so much. Where “show and (don’t) tell” may be a harmless coming-of-age thing, in this world of increasing sexual inappropriateness, parents should practice extra caution. That being said, we don’t want to traumatize our kid by overreacting. A yelling, screaming fit would qualify as a serious overreaction. I would recommend a couple of things to consider:
*As this is a repeat offense, AND the other mother basically blew you off, I’d gently tell her son that your boy can’t play with him anymore. You don’t have to give him a reason, just that it’s not appropriate for them to play together any longer. You may have to kindly enforce this ban a couple of times if he shows up to play.
*Treat this as a great learning opportunity for your son. Catching your child being borderline sexually inappropriate is much better than not catching him. A calm, teaching explanation that our “private parts” are called private is that they are nobody else’s business is a good lesson to be taught. It is not proper to show them off to anyone else. *
 
*p.s. New Orleans Mardi Gras drunks: I’m talkin’ to you too.

Hey John,
I am a divorced father of a wonderful second grade boy. I am struggling with, I suppose, a common problem. “Ralphie’s” mother and I divorced for a number of reasons, but a new issue has arisen: she is not caring for my son’s needs. I don’t know if she has become prescription impaired, boyfriend impaired, or just truly doesn’t care. When he returns home from a visit, his clothes are filthy, he is pretty much unwashed, and recently I received notice from his school that he is missing a lot of school when he is with her. By a lot, I mean at least once every four days. I am documenting his school absences, but going back to court in the immediate future seems unlikely. What becomes of a child who has one loving parent and one apparently uncaring one?
Scared Father
 
Dear S.F.,
I’d like to give you some legal advice to consider, but being as I got kicked out of law school many years ago, legal advice seems like a bad idea. Besides, the documenting the infractions seems to be a good idea. And, you are correct: I have dealt with numerous divorces that have one good parent, and one somewhat screwed up one. However, I remind you that you have had plenty of experience with the same (though not as important) scenario with teachers throughout your life. One teacher is properly strict with high expectations of her students. Next period you get Ms. Hilda von Featherhead who lets her students run wild. Does the lack of consistency ruin the students? No. However, would it be advantageous having both teachers on the same page with each other? Certainly. Still, the students adapt. Will your boy volunteer to take a bath at mom’s? No. Will he stay up too late ‘cause she doesn’t know how to be a proper parent? Yes. Will he be massively confused because of the inconsistency of the two parents? Were YOU confused by the two teachers, or did you eventually figure it out?
 
Unfortunately, the responsible parent has to deal with helping his child re-adjust to normal life upon his return. However, patience and loving dedication will ease this constant transition for your son. Also, it’s imperative you hide your anger and frustration from him. Talkin’ smack about a goony parent makes the child protect the offending parent even when they really don’t want to. Just pretend you’re in a high stakes poker game and you can’t show your hand. It’s the same in dealing with your disgust for son’s mother. What kind of chance does he have? I have found that vigorous, energetic, loving and dedicated parenting helps a child grow up to be a good  human being. Even when one parent is a lightweight,  as long as the other parent is a loving heavyweight, your son will likely turn out fine.

Hey John,
My husband and I both work. Our hours are about 8 to 5pm. When we get home, it’s a lot of work to get supper made and the kids fed. Then there’s ‘Jared”, our 13 year old. He’s barely making it through 8th grade. He’s smart but lazy. While his younger sister likes doing school work, he misses a lot of homework assignments. He says he’s doing his homework and turning it in, so he doesn’t understand the incompletes he gets. How do you motivate your kid to do his homework?
Eighth Grader Mom
 
Dear E G Mom,
You can’t.
You could re-phrase your question: “How do I motivate my teenage kid to do something he hates to do”? Motivate? It doesn’t seem likely. However, that doesn’t mean there’s not a way to get the work done. Years ago, when I observed a father sit with his eighth grade son and later that evening with his sophomore daughter to do homework together, I thought in my young foolish little head, “That’s really dedicated to sit and do homework with your kids. But when they’re in college and Daddy’s not doin’ the homework for them, they’ll never make it.” This is the family that produced three Masters degrees and three Bachelor’s degrees. What I didn’t know is that it wasn’t doing homework for your kid, it was working along with them. When you work side by side with your child, it tells them that this is what you have to do to learn, or at the very least, pass. Also being taught is the very important lesson that this work is not beneath the dignity of the adult to do. When the foreman of a job assists the crew, he is telling them that this is honorable work. It’s certainly not beneath his dignity to do, nor should it be for his employees. To maintain that this is your kid’s work and not yours, it may not get done consistently.
Also, maintaining good rapport with the teachers means no bs-ing your parents. Homework or no homework, you can usually know by communicating with the teachers. Finally, remember, this is important personal time for a kid with his Mom or Dad. Maintaining a positive, motivated teaching mode rather than an impatient, tired parent forcing their kid to get it done increases the chances of improved school performance and attitude.
 
Sorry you’ve got a lot of extra work Eighth Grade Mom, but who deserves your ability to work hard more than you own kids? Besides, remember your original question?

Hey John,
 
I am concerned about my nine year old boy. Although he can be outspoken (appropriately) and is not particularly shy, he is, for lack of a better term, kind of a crybaby. I could give you a lot of examples, but the one that bothered me the most was last year at school. For each child who brought a can of food to donate to the poor, the school said they would get a free cookie with their lunch. The teacher who was dispensing the cookies told “Troy” that she didn’t see him bring in a can, and refused him a cookie. He was instantly reduced to tears. Although he didn’t drop to the ground screaming and bawling, he nevertheless found himself crying in front of all his friends. As a (hopefully) properly protective parent, I brought the matter up with the teacher and the principal, and she apologized to him. Still, the damage was done. This is not an isolated incident of him being overly sensitive. What is a parent to do? He’s a remarkable kid: smart, athletic and a good brother to his sister. I just don’t want him spending his life being looked down on by other kids.
Concerned Mamma
 
Dear Ms. Concerned,
I have good news and bad news and good news for you. Good news #1: If you have to pick a character “defect” (out of many) for your son to have, this is perhaps one of the best to have. An extra sensitivity can indeed be a burden to a boy, but the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. These are the guys who compassionately sit at the lunch table with the lonely nerd, help with a struggling classmate in math, and get the reputation as the nicest kid in school. If there is some degree of embarrassment in his future, it sounds like he will be able to balance out his self esteem with his many attributes. Continue to provide your positive inspirations for him. The bad news is that I don’t know how to teach a compassionate, kind kid how to not be sensitive. This is really more of a personality thing rather than a learned attribute. If there were some way to help him “toughen up” a bit, but he had to reduce a great trait at the same time, would you opt for it? Probably not. Additionally, if you fight his fights for him like you mentioned with the cookie monster teacher, be sure to do so rather secretly. We want our children treated properly, but they don’t always need to know we went to bat for them. Good news #2: Although extra sensitivity can be something of a burden as a kid, it is revered as an adult. People like this make for loving fathers and great husbands. Basically: outstanding human beings. You are most fortunate, as is he.

 
Nov 2, 2017
Hey John,
 My grandfather has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has less than a month to live. I am already having a hard time coming to grips with the inevitable, but I am wondering about how I approach this subject with my 3 and 4 year old children. We are going to visit him before he passes here in a week or so, and my children only know there papaw is really sick. I don't plan on explaining too much to them due to their ages, but if they ask how would you suggest to go about it?
 
 Thank you,
A Lost Soul
 
Ms. Soul,
Your question was regarding the kid’s upcoming sad days rather than your own, so to that I comment. The fact is, little kids can feel the sadness, but not as intensely, nor for as long as we do. Don’t expect them to necessarily grieve much. Additionally, at this tender age, the chances are they may not have much memory of your beloved Grandfather as time goes on. I believe we can pay proper tribute to important people by sharing pictures and stories throughout the upcoming years. In this manner you can derive some comfort in recalling your Grandpa while helping your kids to have a memory of his importance in your life.
 
There is also the significance in our own grief that reflects the greatness and great fortune in knowing and loving the person we have just lost. Refer back to the March 24th column of this year to a person trying to properly deal with losing her Mother. If lessening our sorrow meant lessening our relationship, which would you rather have? It sounds like your Grandpa was as lucky to have you as his granddaughter as you were to have him.
http://www.brownwoodnews.com/hey-john-advice-column-grief-process/

Hey John,
My son needs to take his medication, and I am having an increasingly difficult time making him take it. How do I motivate him to stay on it?
Pulling My Hair Out
 
Dear Hair Puller,
Unfortunately, you don’t say what the medicine is for. Is it ADHD meds to help him focus at school? Is it anti-psychotic medication to control mental illness? Is it an inappropriately prescribed antidepressant to a teenager whose real problem is not depression but a screwed up family? Thus, the answer depends on the situation. Let’s just pick one scenario: ADHD medication for a fifteen year old boy. Being respectful of our teenagers takes a lot of self control. The fact is, unless you’re going to do a Three Stooges gig by shooting it down his throat with a giant pea-shooter, he is in charge of swallowing. Eliciting his cooperation takes some clever negotiating.  If he agrees his school performance is suffering, you can paint a potential picture of success. Picture a modified version of the movie Limitless: a magic smart pill. Who wouldn’t want that? It’s typically not quite that dramatic, but sometimes it can be. Often times, if the diagnoses was correct, it can be a big help in concentration and performance. Additionally, you can offer a deal: “son, are you willing to try an experiment? Let’s begin the Ritalin experiment at the beginning of the semester. At the conclusion of the semester, let’s see if it was of any value to you. If it was, I think you should consider continuing the medication. If it wasn’t helpful, stop taking it.” If he agrees, you will need to ask him how you can help him to remember to take it. As it was probably your idea, you have the responsibility to assist him. Be sure to watch for initial side effects such as sleeplessness or loss of appetite. Be loving and clever in helping him through this transition. If you change your demeanor from frustrated boss to patient teacher, you will usually meet with considerably less resistance.

Hey John,
My two kids were taken away by Child “Protective” Services. I am allowed to see one of my kids, but not the other. I don’t know why I can’t see my son, and they aren’t explaining anything to me. What can I do?
Almost Childless
 
Dear Almost,
CPS has an enormously difficult job in protecting children. In my younger years I worked in a residential treatment center for abused, neglected children. In reviewing some of their histories, I was stunned at the level of cruelty some screwed-up sub-humans could perpetrate upon their children. While I was trying to repair the damage from these monsters, it occurred to me that the CPS caseworkers were the ones who were present when the kids were still bleeding. I couldn’t imagine a more difficult (or important) occupation. However, there are many cases that are left to the discretion of an individual caseworker without proper direction from their supervisor. Some caseworkers are so used to smackin’ heads with dysfunction adults, they begin to think that all their clients are equally dysfunctional, and treat them with some lack of respect. This is where hard working, talented supervision is imperative. If the caseworker is jaded and the supervisor unskilled or lazy, the parent can be hung out to dry. If you think you (or your child) are not receiving proper treatment, you can contact the caseworker AND the supervisor in a brief letter outlining the problem and your request. Send the letter “registered, return receipt requested”, and keep a copy for yourself. In this manner, you will have proof of your attempt to resolve the problem. Further, if you feel the agency is in the wrong, seeking out a local attorney who specializes in CPS cases is the next step. If you don’t know who it is, call a few attorney’s offices and ask them for names of those specialized lawyers. Sometimes a show of proper force motivates a caseworker to take this case more seriously (and respectfully). In the event CPS was right all along, you should work hard at gaining new skills to make you a remarkable parent. Actually, you ought to do that anyway.

This inquiry originated not from a Hey John email, but rather from a compilation of questions from numerous parents. The most recent was an involved parent concerned about her young (6) son’s sensitivity and lack of self confidence. So with that as a preamble, allow me to combine and paraphrase these inquiries:
 
Hey John,
“I am a very involved parent with three children under the age of ten. They are polite and usually good with one another. My girls are more into school than is my son, but they are all good students. Each has their own distinct personality. My son is considerably shyer than the girls, and will make comments like, “well, I can do that too” when one of the girls excels at something. I want to raise my kids to reach their full potential, but not have an unhealthy competition with each other. My husband is in full agreement. However, when our son is whiny, he’ll respond with “knock it off”, while I’m more sympathetic. Do you have any ideas about how we can raise our children to be productive, loving adults?”
Parents Looking For Good Ideas
 
Dear Good Parents,
While there is no sure fire method of guaranteeing raising happy, successful human beings, there are some basic premises that increase the odds of success. While we understand the old saying, “two heads are better than one”, the same holds true with parenting. While many single parents succeed at raising good children, two loving parents are better than one. Having an appropriate male and female role model increases the odds that the kids have a template of a good man and a good woman. If one is single, having a good opposite gender role model, such as a devoted grandparent, is an important addition. In the case of this letter, we are dealing with the loving inquiry of what sounds like a good mother and father.
Showing proper respect for each other lays the groundwork for the children to do the same as they grow older. Problems the parents deal with in an appropriate fashion lays the same important example. Kids don’t get confused when their Dads tell them to suck it up, and the Mom is more tender or sympathetic. Each parent has their own role. Sometimes we swap roles with each other, and the kids just adapt. I find that making kids feel important helps their self esteem. Asking their opinions is a cool boost. In work projects, helping them to succeed in the task at hand, from homework to mowing the lawn, to re-arranging a room is an important lesson in the positive value of work. Doing it with them means that the job is not beneath the dignity of the parent. Plus, it’s loving time spent with the parent, which is a very positive reinforcement for the value (and fun) of work.
Problems are inevitable, so it’s important to not take a current issue and extrapolate it into predicting a grim future. A child who lies about their involvement in an activity due to the fear of the punishment doesn’t mean we are raising a pathological liar who will now begin to lie about everything. Proper punishments (i.e., accountability) are extremely important in helping teach our kids right from wrong. In the same context, noting or rewarding good behaviors serves exactly the same important purpose.
Finally, relax and enjoy this ride. If you live to be 95 years old, you will have had your children living with you for a very small portion of your life. Practice at being amazed at this lively, loving and important time in your life. You are going to have three good nights of sleep, wake up, and they are moved out. So I remind you once again: be amazed.

Hey John,
We need a referee in a minor discipline issue. My son is seven and usually a real joy. However, his personal hygiene is not always so good. A few months ago we had some friends over the house. “Zander” was walking around smelling pretty bad. It was obvious to me, and I assume my friends, that he had either pooped in his underwear, or, more likely, had, for the 100th time, not wiped his butt properly. I was disgusted at his lack of self pride and I told him he was really stinking it up. He was embarrassed, but considering the seriousness of his smelly error, he deserved to be. Later my wife told me I was out of line. It’s her opinion I should do discipline privately, and not in the company of others. In this case I disagree because he has been lectured before on this problem, and it’s had no effect. I say that the public embarrassment added more motivation for him to take this matter more seriously. What do you say?
 
When I worked at a children’s residential facility, I discovered the boys were not using soap when they took showers. Instead, they washed their hair with shampoo and “got clean” as the shampoo rinsed out of their hair, down their bodies! No wonder they had a consistent smell about them. Then there was another boy, we’ll just call him B.O. BillyBob. I went and bought him deodorant out of my own pathetic pay check and “urged” him to use it. The next day, it was still Pepe le Pew. He insisted he had put it on, but it didn’t work. I got the can of spray and asked him to show me how he put it on. He took the can, lifted up his stinky arm pit and sprayed it... ON HIS SHIRT. Yow! My bad. I thought everyone understood how to put on deodorant. My error, not his.
At the risk of getting too gross here, may I suggest you pay attention to the slightly sickening details of how YOU wipe your butt. How to fold the paper, how many times you get some more paper, how to know when you’re done, etc. Then, as non-embarrassingly as possible, you have a little private class with you son. You can even lie a little to him and confide you also had a problem with wiping when you were young. A live demonstration is not necessary (whew). His rear stinks? Your bad, probably not his. As for the embarrassing your son in public, it sounds like you are a good Dad with proper expectations of your son. Thus, an action like you describe was born from anger and disgust, not good teaching. Get back to being a patient, good Dad and teach your kid lots of stuff.
P.S.  obviously your wife was right about this issue.
 

After working with kids for forty years, I have seen more ways that parents punish kids than most people. As I began my career working at a residential treatment center for abused and neglected children, I will skip the torture thing and go right into the more typical punishments. This is fresh on my mind as I recently had a teenage boy who got caught stealing a big ‘ol iPhone 7. In addition to his school punishment, his parents added their own to the mix. Upon his return from school, he must sit at the kitchen table and, well, sit. After supper he continues to sit. One of the problems is: there is no limit to this punishment. He is on his second month. When I asked him what he must do in order to get off, he had no idea.
 
On the other end of the scale, a kid’s mother knew he was a bike thief from hell. The bicycle shop owner, a grizzled ex-biker, took the kid’s stolen bike from him and told him to have his mother come down to the shop to talk to him about the bike. She came down the next day with a loaded .357 pointed at his eye and took her son’s stolen bike back.
 
Another teen got into a fight and knocked the dog out of the other kid, necessitating an ER visit at the local hospital. Along with legal consequences and restitution, his permanently pissed off father “grounded” him. This grounding included taking his son’s bedroom door off its hinges, forbidding him to work on getting his driver’s license, and virtually not speaking to him….. FOR TWO YEARS!
 
So, what is the reason for punishing our kids? Most parents would agree it is to teach them they better not do that stupid shit again. So how much of our disgust, anger, embarrassment and disappointment do we factor into our punishments? If we are doing it right, the answer is: not much. We have to use our brains, not our anger to teach our kids.
 
There is very little idiot behavior from kids that I have not seen. Thus I suggest that parents consider the following:

1. Keep punishments short term. This usually means days or a week (or two if you must). There’s always room to add on if junior is still acting the fool.
2. Try to tie the punishments to the offense. In the first example of sticky fingered cell phone boy, you could find out what a used phone would cost (about $350), and have him do that much extra labor around the house and yard. At minimum wage, that’s a bunch of work. Keep track of the hours. You don’t have to pay him, but show him how hard it is to buy what he ripped off.
3. DO NOT punish your kid out of anger. I mean, maybe it’s great therapy for the angry parent to enjoy continuously punish their kid, but man to man, I’ll tell you it’s chickenshit to enjoy hammerin’ a kid when the lesson learned is over.
4. Don’t be too “proud” to ask for an opinion from someone who may know more. I’m a little sadly lame at building stuff, so I asked my friend for his ideas for a sturdy gate for my office. With his good ideas (and help), I’ve got it up. Getting ideas doesn’t mean obeying; it just means getting extra ideas.

Being a good disciplinarian doesn’t just mean being tough, it means teaching your kid right from wrong. Do it like a good mother or father.

Hey John,
Our oldest daughter moved back in with us after a breakup. We agreed she could stay with us while she saved up money to get back on her feet. Because she's over 18, we let her know that our only "rule" for living with us is to text us and let us know if she was going to be out after 11:30 p.m. so we wouldn't have to worry. We don't ask for rent money, grocery money, utilities, we even let her use our car whenever she needs. The first few weeks were fine, but then steadily she started staying out late, even all night, without communicating with us at all. And she's started taking the car without asking. We try to talk to her about it, but she always has an excuse and says we don't understand what she's going through. We're not sure what to do.
Feeling Used Mama
 
Dearest Mama
Explaining the “text by 11:30p” is not a rule, but just a worry prevention act should help to reduce resistance to the “don’t treat me like I’m a baby” issue. Further explaining that she is not calling to get permission to stay out late, but rather to just help her overly worried Mom get back to sleep at 2 am. Most parents have this potentially sensitive issue to deal with when their college kids come home for vacation. On their own, they come back when they want to without having a worried parent imagining head-on collisions with 18-wheelers. Really, it’s a pretty simple courteous act. However, our job as a parent never really goes away. If our semi-adult child is out of line, it’s still our duty to teach. I would suggest for your consideration the following steps:

1. Extend one more explanation of your expectations and why (it’s respectful, ya know?).
 
2. Hold said child accountable for coming up short by temporarily revoking car borrowing privileges (a day or two should suffice). Obviously they can still go out- just not with your wheels.
 
3. Taking the car without permission is a much bigger violation. I’d disable the vehicle overnight, if you can. My old Suburban has a little removable switch-thing near the underside of the dash that keeps it from starting. I’d use a club to keep her from stealing my car a second time- not on her, but on the steering wheel. ($9.95 on eBay).
 
4. Don’t get all crazy about violations. Deal with them calmly and competently. We are always teaching our kids how to be parents themselves.
 
P.S. When our kids say, “you have no idea what I’m going through”, they’re probably right. Proper sympathy and offering a loving helping hand counts for a lot.

Hey John,
You know, I'd be fine if my daughter decided to just be a lesbian. These guys nowadays are such pigs, she'd probably be better off just sticking with a girl. When I told her that, she blew a fuse and walked out the door. Do you think she’s homophobic? Am I too “hip” as a Dad? What do you say?
SOTR
 
Dear HipDaddy,
I’m going to have to address this issue in two parts: The Behavior of 21st Century Males and To Be Or Not To Be (Gay). Is That A Question?
 
Part One: 21st Century Males
 I have heard story after story from disappointed females about pig-like behavior from males. What do you think about a guy going out with a girl on a first date and offers her money to stay longer? How about one who rips her phone out of her hand so he can check her texts and Facebook? How about a young husband who gets physically threatening when he’s drinking, which is every weekend. Notice I’ve left out the raped females. I’m also leaving out the great males who should be a role model for the lesser males.
So the questions are:

1. Is there an evolutionary decline in males?
2. Is it possible to impact this decline? -and-
3. How do females find the good males?

 
In these days with the perfect storm of numerous divorces, reduced Daddy role modeling and a generation and ½ of bizarro male role models based on imaginary males (and females)  in film, television and the internet, it seems that the mannerly, gentlemanly model of males is not seen much. Just when we were getting a little civilized, we decline back to the caveman? De-evolution. Great. Obviously it’s not true of all males, but a significant increase of idiot behavior seems to be possible.
 
Can we impact this decline by modeling ourselves? By teaching or speaking out? I don’t know. But to slump over and moan, “It’s just the way it is” seems kinda cowardly, ya know? Role modeling proper behavior and actively teaching our children, even if it really didn’t impact many people seems less tragically helpless. It’s all parents responsibility to teach manners and respect for women to their children (males and females). Improper behavior needs to be addressed. It’s also important to note that any nine year old kid with a phone can access hardcore porn. Parents need to address this issue as well. Girls should not be viewed as potential porn queens.
 
How to locate quality males? I wish people would write in and share their opinion. I’d think a history class might be better than a dive of a bar. Who knows? Picking up kids at a daycare and meeting someone? Shopping at the grocery store and noticing (an unmarried) nice Daddy with his child? I don’t know. I met mine at a ping pong table in college. Remind your daughter to keep her standards high. Nice people are out there.
 
NEXT UP: “She’d be better off sticking with girls”. Maybe yes, maybe no.
Next week at your favorite local digital newspaper: BrownwoodNews.com
 

Part Two:  To Be Or Not To Be (Gay). Is That A Question?
 
Hey John,
You know, I'd be fine if my daughter decided to just be a lesbian. These guys nowadays are such pigs; she'd probably be better off just sticking with a girl. When I told her that, she blew a fuse and walked out the door. Do you think she’s homophobic? Am I too “hip” as a Dad? What do you say?
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
 
Dear Somewhere,
When your daughter comes to you sadly or angrily about some idiot boy, she probably needs a compassionate and understanding ear. Instead, you challenged her sexuality. You likely had good intentions, but sometimes we need to shut our pie holes and just listen.
 
As a qualifying statement, I am not prejudiced towards sexual orientation (on either side). That being said, to presume life would be easier being gay is naive. There are all sorts of problems that gay folks have. There is a much higher incidence of substance abuse, depression, and for those that let their sexuality define a hyper-sexual lifestyle, the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases, including deadly AIDS is much higher than the national average.
 
Most of us know people who appear to be born gay. The controversy at hand is, can you “switch sides” at will? I’m not sure anyone knows the answer to that question. However, my many years as a therapist working with thousands of adolescents, I have seen the passing of many “disenfranchised youth”. There were “Goths” with a kind of vampire-ish appearance. Much sadness and/or anger. Then came the “emos”, emotional, misunderstood, and wore their feeling on their sleeves. It appears the newest disenfranchisement is declaring your sexuality at an early age. I have had a fair number of pissed off thirteen year olds tell me definitively that they are switching genders. Lots of broken, dysfunctional families are producing all sorts of lost kids. Are they genuinely gay? Perhaps. Perhaps not. To challenge them nose-to-nose is disrespectful and not therapeutic. To let it slide by with no comment is also not therapeutic. It’s a tough situation as a counselor. I do remind kids that permanently defining yourself in anything in your early teens is premature. Everyone seems to agree with the statement: "Thirteen is not sixteen. Sixteen is not nineteen. And nineteen sure isn’t twenty-five". Maybe we are not supposed to really know who we are in many regards until we are a little older. After all, straight or gay, being sexual at an early age is developmentally unsound. For the kids out there who are confused, I think rather than a premature declaration, you might want to officially declare, at least for a while that you are undecided.