You know, I don’t want to waste my column time criticizing “Dear Crabby”, but this column needs to be addressed.  As a therapist, I have always known that when someone asks you for help, it is poor work at best to simply insinuate, “Don’t worry about it”. And that’s how this thing started off. Crabbs, this should not be a public forum to promote our own agendas or prejudices. Your unfounded support for the possible sexual enhancement of viewing porn is not only shortsighted, but potentially harmful. That “do no harm” thing that the doctors are supposed to do applies to us too. So here’s most of the letter and your answer. I will complete my comment at the end. You ought to be embarrassed…. at the very least.
 
Dear Abby, We don't live together, but we're together three or four times a week. He is into porn, and when I am not there, I know he looks at it because I have found pictures of it on his phone. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. When I tell him that, he says there's no emotional attachment to porn for him. He says it is all visual and there is nothing to be jealous of. I myself am not into it. It grosses me out to even look at it. Is he telling me the truth? -- GROSSED OUT IN JERSEY
“DEAR GROSSED OUT: If your boyfriend does not require looking at his cellphone in order to have sex with you, then he is telling you the truth. Men are turned on by the visual. Women are more turned on by the written word. The expert who pointed that out to me was Larry Flynt. [Hustler magazine]. After I printed it, I was criticized by some readers for using him as a resource. Three months later, the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ appeared and became a worldwide phenomenon. So Larry was right -- in SPADES.” [Emphasis, hers]
 
Dear Crappy Jr.,
My editor has cautioned me about writing too long of an answer. As a result, I must do a part one and a part two. Part two (next week, presumably) will contain a handful of real life situations with porn and couples. Stuff that taught me a lot. It’s a little eye-opening.
 
PART ONE: The Reply
The girlfriend is sickened by his porn he watches. You make no mention of our loving duty to take care of each other. This is not a "rights" issue, it's a relationship issue.  You instantly take sides against who you might consider “a prude”? That’s pretty prejudicial. How about helping the couple? Additionally, although the visual/male and written/female responses may be correct, so what?  That means they should be okay with watching porn? That’s a pretty bizarre assumption, especially since someone wrote you asking for help with their relationship.
 
Because Fifty Shades sold a lot of copies that means that porn is what, good for you? You know the Godfather was an enormous seller, and that means what, it’s good for us to be mafia? That you should name your first boy after the Godfather’s hit man Luca Brasi? What are you trying to say? Additionally, as a frame of reference,  how many couples have you worked with that discussed with you their involvement with porn, good or bad?
 
 Finally, you don’t have to love or hate (or even remember) Larry Flynt. He published Hustler, which was far more explicit than the other “girlie” magazines. You’re asking a guy who made his living selling the most explicit sex pics and stories of their time if he thinks watching explicit sex is okay? Really? Gimmi a break.
Crappie, you’re easily old enough to remember the old adage, “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut”.
 
Do you need professional liability insurance as an advice-giving columnist? Do your syndicated newspapers? If I gave “advice” like this, my premiums might go sky high (or worse).  By telling a concerned woman she shouldn’t worry about her boyfriend’s love of porn is doing harm to her and her relationship with him. This is far more serious than incorrect advice.
I repeat, you are doing harm.
 
Next Week:
Some Real Case Studies Of Twenty-First Century Porn And Some Of The People Involved

HeyJohn,
I am a thirty-five year old mother of two boys, ages 12 and 9. I am married, and both my husband and I are employed, but are not highly paid people. Because of our shaky finances, we have moved in with my mother and her husband. It is a little cramped, with the boys sharing a fold out bed in the living room. We contribute to the bills and the food. My question is, how much power do I give my mom in disciplining the kids? Although they are pretty well behaved, they are boys, and don’t always get along. When I got home from work the other day I found the 9 year old standing in the corner, and my older son sitting on the couch with his hands folded on his lap. They had both been there for about an hour. I was then lectured by my mom what a poor disciplinarian I was, and how poorly behaved the kids were. I told her privately that she needed to “release” the boys from their punishment, and she said no, they hadn’t learned their lesson. I took them outside, discussed the problem and set them free. My mother was furious and hasn’t spoken a word to me or the boys for the last two days. Was I in the wrong here? I am grateful she let us move in, but does that give her the authority to run my family? I don’t know what to do.                                                                                                                                      
Working Myself Crazy
 
                                                                                                                                                                            Dear Crazy,
You know, other cultures accept multi-generation families living under one roof. Asians, for example, have had grandparents, parents and their children living together to consolidate resources and income to save for the kid’s college education. Our American culture has not embraced such a lifestyle until fairly recently. Due to lousy finances, broken families and dysfunctional lifestyles, the number of “blended families” has increased greatly in the past twenty years or so. Thus, when I deal with families who have numerous generations living under one roof, I almost automatically assume some level of dysfunction. It’s not always the case, obviously, but it is more often than not. Then, when you add the probable issue of poor problem solving abilities into the mix, you have a really sad home environment for everyone, especially the kids. There are some solutions however, but it means practicing some light assertiveness in addition to working at problem solving skills. Consider as well: was your Mom an angry parent when she was in round one of her parenting days (that is, raising you)? If so, it’s unlikely she will have improved when she is called out of parenting retirement to embark on round two. Allow me to innumerate a few possible ideas to improve the home environment.
 
1) Without the kids present, have a calm sit-down meeting with your Mom. Start by giving her a time frame of how long y'all are planning to camp out with her. It's pretty daunting thinking your house is being invaded for eternity. Then try to come up with ideas to help her deal with your kid’s unacceptable behavior until you return home. One example would be: if the kids were arguing over a TV program, she might give them a warning that they have two minutes to reach their own solution, or face grandma’s solution (typically taking away screen time for an hour or so). In this way you are giving her some authority to control misbehavior while keeping yourselves as the final authority as to the discipline. Be sure to add your own consequences (though keep them light if granny has already punished them). Remind your Mom (and yourselves as well) to make note of good behaviors as well . Remember the old management mantra: “Unrewarded good behaviors cease”.
2) In the event your Mom is a highly stressed out grandma who is unable or unwilling to embrace a few ideas to make life in her house more enjoyable, you and Mr. Husband need to spend part of your time checking out future places to live - and soon.. Most towns have reduced income housing available. Look into your local HUD housing office for options and ideas. There are also reduced fees for child care for lower incomes. You need to prepare ahead of time so you are not forced to make a decision in a family crisis. Keep all this information to yourselves, as your Mom might perceive it as a threat or an insult. The both of you working likely means y’all are not lazy bums, but under-paid people. Our poor years are usually not permanent. When we are struggling, we need to do some extra things to keep afloat. Do it.
3) Keep this thought in your head: when your kids are in their thirties and coming back with their spouse and kids to visit you, what do you want their memories to be? Do you want them reminiscing about the worse days of their life growing up with you? Your son says, “I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school so I could get out of that hell hole?” Or would you rather, “I miss those days as a kid when we all would have some great meals and play those gooney games you used to love?” CrazyWorkingMom, you are creating the future right now. Choose wisely. Our childhood is not supposed to be rotten.

I've had two inquiries in two weeks about the same issue: the wife would like more sexual participation from the husband. For men who wish for the same, I know what you're thinkin': "can she counsel my wife?" The truth is, however, there is far more often than not some degree of compatibility issues in regards to sex between husbands and wives. Thus, a semi-rare HeyJohn re-run is called for. If you didn't already know, I'm in a bit of a snit with Dear Crabby. Although she often gives out easy, kinda common sense "advice", sometimes she spaces out. As my correction dealt with specifically this sex issue, I thought it appropriate to run it again. Abbs was a space chicken here. "Asexual"? I thought that was what pollywogs were. Anyway, batter up toots. I maintain it's way past time to retire...

Dear Crabby is now Dear Crabby Junior, with her much-younger-than-she-was (however, she is 75) semi-hip daughter having purchased the name. Not to mention she makes a lot of moola on her column. Sometimes she’s on, and sometimes she's off. But you know, you owe it to the public not to be massively off the wall. I don’t go around lookin’ for fights, but this bizarro piece of advice got my toes tingling.
 
So here’s the contention: a lady writes Crabbington complaining that her “masculine” husband of four years is only “having sex” twice a month with her. They are both early forties. She goes on to say, “I don’t want to cheat, but I’m afraid I eventually will if my needs aren’t met”. Crabs responds by saying, “he appears to have very low sex drive, or he may be borderline asexual.” If you try some counseling or sex toys, and it doesn’t work, “you will have to decide if you are prepared to live with the situation as it is.”
Yow! That seems a little strange. Borderline asexual? Is this really advice? Call me old, or call me old fashioned (just don’t call me late for supper), but I still think marriage is supposed to be about true love, a presumption of permanence, mutual respect for each other, and that ol’ for better or for worse promise thing. If not, why’d you get married in the first place? So Crabbington, Jr., let’s revise that odd assessment and “hip advice”. How about:
 
Dear Needs More,
First you need to review why you married this man. “I don’t want to cheat” should never be used as a threat, or even in the deck in the first place. Review your love, loyalty and commitment to him. Secondly, a loving couple should look out for each other. You might want to consider having a talk with him with a few ideas (logically a checkup first). He, on the other hand should we willing to forgo pride or embarrassment and help his true love anyway he can. A competent doctor’s appointment could easily determine low testosterone levels (relax fellas, it's just blood work), and is dealt with pretty easily and very commonly. He needs to get over any machismo about asking for help, and you need to re-learn commitment and loyalty. If anyone suggests an off the wall diagnoses like “asexual”, you might seriously question their expertise and judgment. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why couples get out of sync in their love life. If y'all need a counselor, therapists are listed everywhere online, and some have customer ratings. Y’all work like a loving dedicated couple on solutions and always take care of each other.

Hey John,
I am the mother of three kids: two girls and a boy. We are a tight knit family, as we are very involved parents to very nice, though sometimes challenging children. However, this challenge we could have done without. Recently our seven year old boy dropped an “N-bomb” at school. Although he appeared not to mean it in an angry way, the little black kid in his class (his friend) was wounded. His teacher called us in to discuss the matter with us and our son. He was clearly deeply humiliated. He had already had a discussion with “Peter” and apologized to him. I was disappointed and angry with him. His father, on the other hand was much more upset than I was. On the drive home he unleashed on him: “what’s wrong with you anyway?” And “where did you learn to talk like that? Certainly not from us!” And on and on. He went to bed early that night and nothing more was said. My question is, how much influence do his friends have on him? Will his teachers think of us as drooling racists, teaching our kids such human disrespect at home? Does he not know right from wrong? Do we have to isolate him from bad influences for the rest of his in-school life?
Distraught Mom
 
Dear D-Mom,
You are worried about the wrong thing. You are scared that your son will exhibit improper behaviors regardless of y’alls teachings. Hopefully these poor behaviors will be few and far between. However, based on our own experiences in growing up, we both know there are things we have done that our parents would have objected to. The real concern is when our kids screw up and we don’t know about it. When our kids mess up, it is the perfect opportunity to teach them right from wrong.           
You asked, “Does he not know right from wrong”? The real answer is: usually, but not always. Our lives are full of lessons, and sometimes we have to learn by screwing up, and suffering the proper accountability. Obviously this includes positive reinforcement for good behavior as well. The brains of children are not fully developed, and as good parents, it’s our duty to teach them and help them develop. Remember that kinda scary soft spot on the head of your newborn? I like to think that older kids have a soft, undeveloped spot in their head.
As for isolating him, it’s just not possible. We can be selective about some of his friends, but the reality is: we need to empower them to know right from wrong when they are away from us. [See: the scary days when your daughter starts dating]. So the reality is this: when our kids mess up, it is the perfect opportunity to teach them. Parents long for easy behaviors to deal with. Personally, I long for opportunities to teach my kids so they’ll turn out okay.