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Enjoying It More Than Once

6/30/2017

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It happened to me while in the middle of a forced starvation at my college 25th reunion. Although St. Ed’s (Austin) had charged us fifty bucks per person to attend our reunion, the pickin’s were slim. Two foodie dudes in a closed off large circle were custom cooking orders one or two at a time. Counting the number of reunionites awaiting a chance to order, I quickly calculated we were going to have to stay there approximately eleven days to get our food. On top of that, I found I was surrounded by strangers. Then I remembered: most of my college friends quit prior to graduating, flunked out or were kicked out. I ended up being the semi-sole survivor of our group of friends. So my wife and I found a vending machine with tasty, though nasty pork skins, a cold Dr. Pepper, and embarked upon our own private journey into amazing nostalgia.
 
It was this hungry journey that taught me the great value of occasionally allowing ourselves to enjoy memories of days gone by. The problem is that some people devote too much time and emotional energy in recounting experiences. “Living in the past” for some, takes the place of living in the present. If we allow ourselves an occasional evening, or even a few minutes to re-enjoy our experiences, we get to practically live them a second time.
 
We walked by the great oak tree next to the Student Union and suddenly I was seventeen, trying to coax down a friend who, because he was denied admission to a movie deemed 18 and older (as was I), he climbed way up the tree, leaving his date (their only date I might add) down below. When we stood at the entrance of Moody Hall, I was transported to the moment in my second month in college when I stood in the same spot and realized I had really left home for this new place, 1500 miles away. I knew at that moment so many years before, there was no going back. On the south side of the Union I became so stupidly tongue tied trying to ask Denise out for the first time, I changed the subject, said goodbye and walked off. I was tempted to beat my head against the wall in frustrated dorkiness.
 
And although difficult memories are not the place we want to spend too much time in, if an important thing was learned by the experience, it may be worth revisiting occasionally as well. We shy away from living in the past, but amazing times should perhaps be experienced more than once.
 
As a final note concerning manners with memories, different recollections surrounding the same event are common. Unless it was a detail of great importance, there is no reason to correct the memory of someone else simply to be right. I have begun to enjoy great experiences more than once, but still happily live in the present, and always consider the future.

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Twenty-First Century Porn

6/25/2017

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Hey John,
My husband has a problem with porn. He watches it as much as he can. Our sex life has disappeared, and pretty much so has he. We don’t do much together, even though he tells me he loves me, and this is just “a trip” he’s going through. If I went to his “boss” to get help, he would be at the very best demoted, and at the worst, discharged. I don’t know what to do. I still love him, but his $900 a month addiction is killing us. Please help.
Joyless On An Island
 
Dear Island Girl,
Uh oh. Did you close with “his $900 a month...”? Porn has changed considerably since the old “Playboy” days. It used to consist of pinups with big breasts poppin’ out at you. Now, internet-accessible porn is well beyond what used to be considered xxx-movies. As I’m sure you are well aware of, these videos, available at a smart phone nearest you, are extremely graphic acts of sex. In my practice, I have had at least a half a dozen marriages that were stomped to death by porn. More than once, I have had a sad wife say, “I can’t compete with these hoe’s on his phone.” The men may rationalize early in their viewing, “it helps me to get stimulated, and improves my sex life”, but their wives are right: basically their husbands are having sex with someone else. Additionally, the 14 year olds are getting a freakish idea of what sex is. Forget about making love: sex is what you are supposed to do for me. This is why parents need to check the history of their kids’ phones. Erased history equals erased phone. However, back to your inquiry.
 
Even if he doesn’t see anything wrong with it (?), sacrificing for your wife is part of love and marriage and permanence.  The additional problem is the moola being spent. In my experience, NINE HUNDRED dollars for pornography is a red flag the size of an elephant. This “brand” of extreme porn is massively detrimental to not only y’alls life together, but his mental and emotional well being. This is likely an inpatient treatment issue (with hopefully competent outpatient to follow), and your area has a lot of resources. If he refuses to participate, you can go to his “boss” to request help. Endangering his employment status is rather meaningless, as it seems highly probable you will have to rely on yourself to financially survive if he doesn’t successfully defeat this massive addiction. I wish you strength and perseverance.

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Live Rich (For 15 Minutes)

6/15/2017

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Hey John,
I don’t understand why some people want to blow money like they do. My friend and I grew up a little below middle class. He married a girl who came from a little more money that he (we) did. When her uncle died, he left her about $50,000 dollars. She wanted to bank most of it, and give them each a little bite to have fun with. It turned into a big problem though. She wanted the money to last, but he figured he needed a new car. By the time he was done whining, coaxing and fighting, he burned up most the money. Now there looks like there’s another 50K coming soon, and he’s already making plans. I’m worried he’s going to permanently damage their marriage. This girl is a once in a lifetime catch, and he’s going to let money screw it up. Why do people act so stupid with money? Do you think there’s anything I can do?
Dollar Corporal
 
Dear Corporal,
Although it can happen to all economic classes, it seems like some folks who grow up poor, then get some extra moola, want to live like a rich dog for a short period of time. Logically, if you burned up (i.e. added on to your income) a big chunk of dough, let’s say a thousand extra dollars a month, it would improve your joint income for a little over FIVE years. It appears that for some, the intoxication of living like a rich man for a very brief period of time is more gratifying than making life much easier for a long time. This is why the person who is better with money should make most of the important final decisions about family money. More times than not (with plenty of exceptions), it’s often times the woman. Hey- who forks out the money to pay the bills (or sets up the bill pay)? Who gets the electricity turned on and pays the deposit?
A really good marriage needs one person to let the other who is most competent in any given situation take the lead. This is usually tougher for males, as they typically can be somewhat more aggressive than their mate. If comes down to the final shoot out, whomever is inheriting the money gets to pull rank and politely insist on what is to become of the money [see: how to be properly assertive].
          Also worth noting: some people feel like the only way their mate will continue to love them is to give in to their materialistic demands. This very frequently eventually fails. The glue of relationship bonding is way too thin when it’s money. Remember what the Beatles tried to teach us:
♫ Can’t buy me love, love.
Everybody tells me so.
Can’t buy me love, love.
No no no………noooooo ♪
 
Finally: can you help? You sound like a good person. You probably ought to butt out.

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    I did NOT like writing stuff in school. However, now that it's voluntary, I like it. I'm still working on that attitude of mine.....

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    All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.

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