After having been babied by our fine friends following a recent eye surgery, I was reminded of a powerful healing aid I had somewhat forgotten about. Debbie began by making a super delicious supper followed with her semi-famous chocolate sheet cake. Jody watched over me like a protective mother, dimming lights he thought would bother me, and making sure my beer was cold. As I slunk to bed at a frightfully early 9:30, I heard him remind the two best friends, Debbie and Denise to “keep it down”. I slept uncommonly well, despite the weird little cup over my eye. I am positive the extra care and affection I was graced with sped my healing significantly.
 
The next day I was thinking about my first dramatic lesson in unexpected healing. Twenty five years ago my father, at the tender age of seventy-two, died of pancreatic cancer. One of his employees was a somewhat uninspired property manager for Dad. I didn’t dislike him, but I didn’t care for him much. A jokester and a little lazy, I didn’t spend much time with him. I hadn’t seen him in two or three years prior to Dad’s death.
 
When Dad died, my Mom asked me to give a brief talk at Dad’s wake. I was a little nervous, as I can occasionally be a bit of a crybaby; it would have been humiliating to break up in front of a large group of people. Nevertheless, with too little preparation and a deep prayer for calm, I persevered. The talk was enthusiastically received, but I was spent. Everyone wanted to talk to me afterwards, but I wanted some time to myself. As the mortuary was huge, I decided to disappear down the maze of hallways, deep inside the building. I put my back against the wall and slid down to sit in the hallway. To my disappointment, I heard someone coming down the hall. Dad’s employee appeared and wanted to talk, but I wasn’t in the mood, so I said I was sorry to be abrupt, but he needed to go. He said he has something he needed to tell me about my Dad, and would be brief. I reluctantly agreed.
 
He said, “As you know, your Dad subdivided some land into lots and sold them for people to build their own houses on. He called me on a Thursday night and told me he was coming into town Friday at nine a.m. and to be ready. When he arrived I got into his car and he asked me where the Browns had built their house. I guided him a couple of blocks and showed him. He pulled up to the curb and told me I could stay in the car or go with him, it was going to be brief. Of course I went; I wanted to see what he was doing. He rang the bell and a little old lady answered. Your Dad re-introduced himself and asked if he could talk with her and Mr. Brown. She served us a cup of coffee while she got her husband. When he came in he was pleased to see your Dad. He told him they had always been grateful at the nice lot and good price he had given them. Your Dad stood up and said, ‘I went down to the title company yesterday and discovered that they had not given you the discount you were supposed to get for paying cash, so I brought you this.’ He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a check for $7,500.
“They assured your Dad they were fine with the deal as it was, but he insisted, ‘This is not my money, it is yours. I’m just sorry you didn’t get it as you should have.’
“Mrs. Brown was crying, saying as they were on a fixed income, the money was a godsend for them. Mr. Brown was close to tears and shook your father’s hand so long, your Dad had to gently take his arm and pull his hand loose. Your Dad didn’t say anything on the way back to my house. When I got out, he told me he’d be back on Monday, and we had some work to do. Then he drove off.
I just thought you needed to know that.”
With that, he said, “I loved your Father too” and left.  I never saw him again.
 
In light of the sadness and difficulties that followed my Dad’s death, I am positive that the extreme kindness shown to me that evening helped speed up my healing. I have since incorporated this in my own therapeutic assistance I offer people in my profession. If I didn’t have the opportunity to know the person who has died, I ask to be treated to stories about them. I would like to get to know them, even at a distance. I benefit by understanding a person’s depth of their loss, and help them in sharing significant memories.
 
So, to people who have helped heal me with your extreme kindness, I thank you with all my heart. You have taught me much.
 
 
John S. Sommer
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
2/2020

[Please see essay below for Part I]
In college I didn’t major in Pornography Studies or anything. I did take a class in Human Sexuality however, as I thought it might be a good place to meet girls. But that didn’t pan out. All I got out of it was a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, and a C+. Thus, what I know about the subject of pornography I have learned from my forty years of counseling. I never thought it was the world’s greatest activity, but I was somewhat neutral about the subject. However, the world has changed, and one of those changes is the intensity of what is out there. This ain’t your grandpa’s nekkid pinups no more. So here are a few real life cases. The facts are altered enough to keep the people anonymous, but the situations are real.
•I thought when I saw this young couple (19?) they were coming in for some relationship enhancement. Instead, shortly into our visit she said, “Will you tell him I am sick of his sexual punishment?” Yow! So into our time together, I learned that he received his “sex education” by watching triple X movies. This was pre-internet, so he had to drive with a few friends about an hour to watch lots of hardcore porn. As a result, that’s what he thought sex with his girlfriend was supposed to be. Even though she objected, his overly assertive personality won out. I saw her years after their predictable break up, and she felt she was still scarred by the extreme sex he had with her.
•Years later a husband began our session by asking, “if she has had her teeth professionally whitened, and is getting breast implants, do you think it’s reasonable for me to assume she’s making plans to leave me?” Before I could respond, she said, “Why in the hell would I stay? You are in love with all those hoes you spend time with on your computer. Mr. Sommer, I have asked him for months to come to bed with me, and instead he stays with his internet hoes. I can’t compete with all the sex stuff that they do. Our sex life hasn’t existed for at least six months. Also, do you think it’s okay that he accidentally left the porn site up, and our thirteen year old son moved the mouse in the morning and sees oral sex happening?” Although he profusely apologized for the kid incident, he made no reassurances he would, or even could cease his porn watch. I received a letter from him a few years later informing me she had permanently left a few days after our meeting. He hadn’t seen the kids in over two years.
•A concerned mother called me asking for me to help her daughter. She thought her son-in-law was “addicted to porn”. I told her I would be fine in consulting with her daughter, but she had to initiate the call. Five minutes later she called. Crying, she said they were living at the job site, and if she went to his boss for help, her husband would likely lose his job and their housing. She continued. “even though he is well paid, we can’t afford his nine-hundred dollar a month bill from the porn sites”. I was so stunned, I asked her to repeat her last sentence. Nine hundred dollars?! Uh oh. This represents a different level of pornography. Is her husband watching snuff films where the sexual abuse becomes lethal? Infant sexual abuse? This one really sent me reeling. I’m experienced enough not to play my hand to the extent where the person asking for help is hurt by my response, but I had to tell her that this is a whole new world of extremes. My parting advice was to ask for outside help to motivate her husband to seek help, in this case possibly inpatient. This issue mixed with what his job was meant he would lose his job without the help, so get the help while it’s still available. I never heard back from her.
•He was thirteen when he talked the neighbor’s younger boys into trying some sex. He had both oral and anal sex with the cousins. Although the county attorney wanted “inpatient treatment” for him, further investigations indicated that the facility was a poorly run lockup facility for young sex offenders. As this kid was small and immature, he would have likely been fresh meat for the older offenders. Instead the judge locked him up in a detention facility for four months, and put him on indefinite probation until he is eighteen. After I got to know him, I asked, thinking he had been sexually abused himself, “Where did you first learn about this kind of sex?” With his head hanging down, he quietly said, “On my phone”. When I asked if there was a particular friend or relative who had shown him the site(s), he said, “I dunno, you know, everyone’s phone”.
 
If you notice, these few examples are without religious or moral commentary. That in itself is a whole other vantage point that, although extremely relevant, is missing from this response. Dear Abby Jr. apparently thinks that this subject is one that pits the hip enlightened ones against the conservative moralists. She is wrong. Harmfully wrong. Although people have occasionally viewed extreme sex and not suffered detrimental effects, so many people have been harmed by their indulgence in porn, and a lot of them are really young, that to ignore that well known fact is far worse than being naïve or ill informed;  it is a form of  journalistic malpractice.

You know, I don’t want to waste my column time criticizing “Dear Crabby”, but this column needs to be addressed.  As a therapist, I have always known that when someone asks you for help, it is poor work at best to simply insinuate, “Don’t worry about it”. And that’s how this thing started off. Crabbs, this should not be a public forum to promote our own agendas or prejudices. Your unfounded support for the possible sexual enhancement of viewing porn is not only shortsighted, but potentially harmful. That “do no harm” thing that the doctors are supposed to do applies to us too. So here’s most of the letter and your answer. I will complete my comment at the end. You ought to be embarrassed…. at the very least.
 
Dear Abby, We don't live together, but we're together three or four times a week. He is into porn, and when I am not there, I know he looks at it because I have found pictures of it on his phone. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. When I tell him that, he says there's no emotional attachment to porn for him. He says it is all visual and there is nothing to be jealous of. I myself am not into it. It grosses me out to even look at it. Is he telling me the truth? -- GROSSED OUT IN JERSEY
“DEAR GROSSED OUT: If your boyfriend does not require looking at his cellphone in order to have sex with you, then he is telling you the truth. Men are turned on by the visual. Women are more turned on by the written word. The expert who pointed that out to me was Larry Flynt. [Hustler magazine]. After I printed it, I was criticized by some readers for using him as a resource. Three months later, the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ appeared and became a worldwide phenomenon. So Larry was right -- in SPADES.” [Emphasis, hers]
 
Dear Crappy Jr.,
My editor has cautioned me about writing too long of an answer. As a result, I must do a part one and a part two. Part two (next week, presumably) will contain a handful of real life situations with porn and couples. Stuff that taught me a lot. It’s a little eye-opening.
 
PART ONE: The Reply
The girlfriend is sickened by his porn he watches. You make no mention of our loving duty to take care of each other. This is not a "rights" issue, it's a relationship issue.  You instantly take sides against who you might consider “a prude”? That’s pretty prejudicial. How about helping the couple? Additionally, although the visual/male and written/female responses may be correct, so what?  That means they should be okay with watching porn? That’s a pretty bizarre assumption, especially since someone wrote you asking for help with their relationship.
 
Because Fifty Shades sold a lot of copies that means that porn is what, good for you? You know the Godfather was an enormous seller, and that means what, it’s good for us to be mafia? That you should name your first boy after the Godfather’s hit man Luca Brasi? What are you trying to say? Additionally, as a frame of reference,  how many couples have you worked with that discussed with you their involvement with porn, good or bad?
 
 Finally, you don’t have to love or hate (or even remember) Larry Flynt. He published Hustler, which was far more explicit than the other “girlie” magazines. You’re asking a guy who made his living selling the most explicit sex pics and stories of their time if he thinks watching explicit sex is okay? Really? Gimmi a break.
Crappie, you’re easily old enough to remember the old adage, “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut”.
 
Do you need professional liability insurance as an advice-giving columnist? Do your syndicated newspapers? If I gave “advice” like this, my premiums might go sky high (or worse).  By telling a concerned woman she shouldn’t worry about her boyfriend’s love of porn is doing harm to her and her relationship with him. This is far more serious than incorrect advice.
I repeat, you are doing harm.
 
Next Week:
Some Real Case Studies Of Twenty-First Century Porn And Some Of The People Involved

I've had two inquiries in two weeks about the same issue: the wife would like more sexual participation from the husband. For men who wish for the same, I know what you're thinkin': "can she counsel my wife?" The truth is, however, there is far more often than not some degree of compatibility issues in regards to sex between husbands and wives. Thus, a semi-rare HeyJohn re-run is called for. If you didn't already know, I'm in a bit of a snit with Dear Crabby. Although she often gives out easy, kinda common sense "advice", sometimes she spaces out. As my correction dealt with specifically this sex issue, I thought it appropriate to run it again. Abbs was a space chicken here. "Asexual"? I thought that was what pollywogs were. Anyway, batter up toots. I maintain it's way past time to retire...

Dear Crabby is now Dear Crabby Junior, with her much-younger-than-she-was (however, she is 75) semi-hip daughter having purchased the name. Not to mention she makes a lot of moola on her column. Sometimes she’s on, and sometimes she's off. But you know, you owe it to the public not to be massively off the wall. I don’t go around lookin’ for fights, but this bizarro piece of advice got my toes tingling.
 
So here’s the contention: a lady writes Crabbington complaining that her “masculine” husband of four years is only “having sex” twice a month with her. They are both early forties. She goes on to say, “I don’t want to cheat, but I’m afraid I eventually will if my needs aren’t met”. Crabs responds by saying, “he appears to have very low sex drive, or he may be borderline asexual.” If you try some counseling or sex toys, and it doesn’t work, “you will have to decide if you are prepared to live with the situation as it is.”
Yow! That seems a little strange. Borderline asexual? Is this really advice? Call me old, or call me old fashioned (just don’t call me late for supper), but I still think marriage is supposed to be about true love, a presumption of permanence, mutual respect for each other, and that ol’ for better or for worse promise thing. If not, why’d you get married in the first place? So Crabbington, Jr., let’s revise that odd assessment and “hip advice”. How about:
 
Dear Needs More,
First you need to review why you married this man. “I don’t want to cheat” should never be used as a threat, or even in the deck in the first place. Review your love, loyalty and commitment to him. Secondly, a loving couple should look out for each other. You might want to consider having a talk with him with a few ideas (logically a checkup first). He, on the other hand should we willing to forgo pride or embarrassment and help his true love anyway he can. A competent doctor’s appointment could easily determine low testosterone levels (relax fellas, it's just blood work), and is dealt with pretty easily and very commonly. He needs to get over any machismo about asking for help, and you need to re-learn commitment and loyalty. If anyone suggests an off the wall diagnoses like “asexual”, you might seriously question their expertise and judgment. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why couples get out of sync in their love life. If y'all need a counselor, therapists are listed everywhere online, and some have customer ratings. Y’all work like a loving dedicated couple on solutions and always take care of each other.

Hey John,
 
My wife and I have been married for eleven years, and we would both like to know how can we enhance our marriage? We have no more problems than most, but things are somewhat monotonous and well, as you might call it: zombie-like. Do you have any ideas on how to make things better? Are we destined to eventually be just old roommates living with each other?  Rob
 
Dear Rob ~almost~ Zombie,
I believe it is a very insightful question. First of all, our long marriages (long friendships as well) will become somewhat predictable. We should have realistic expectations that all days will not be like our beginning days of our falling in love. That being said, we must be cautious not to use that reality as an excuse for lack of creativity and work. There are things we did naturally, and with no effort in our beginning days that have been forgotten due to complacency. For example, she may get looking mighty snappy as she departs for work, but rarely gets extra snappy looking for her husband (and obviously, vice versa). In our dating days, we used to want to give a good impression to our date, but then we get used to each other, and don't think about it so much. Additionally, a feature in our early days is to notice and comment on cool stuff our partner does. For an example: even though both parents are more than ready for their kids to go to bed, he will consistently go in and tuck the kids into bed. Or perhaps they say some good night prayers with them. Usually this becomes routine, and there is never a comment about it. However, an honest observation shared might be, “you know, no matter how tired you are, you always lovingly tuck the kids in”. Or he might comment: “when I was a kid, we never said night prayers with my parents. I have learned from your great example that it’s an important way to end the day with the kids”.

So here's the general philosophy: how would I see things, and how would I react if this were my second date with this great woman?  So I'll drive home from work and start pretending I am heading over to this cute, curly-haired girl's house for my date with her. How do I look? I hope I smell okay. She's invited me for supper, and has told me I can just park next to her in the garage. Cool. When I go in the back door, I can smell she's been cooking something up for me. Again: cool. After all, she's been working today, same as me, but she hurried home to make something for me. Yow! She's happy to see me, and I greet her with a kiss. This is almost too good to be true. If this really was our second date, how amazing would this be? How would I show my appreciation? Help her clean the kitchen afterwards? Sit around that evening and talk and talk and talk?
We begin our relationship with amazement and appreciation. Later, as we become used to our life, we seem to not give plenty of things a second thought. People fear divorces, but few consider a lifeless marriage. Most fall in love because the other person makes them happy they are there. Although it would not seem reasonable to expect every day is filled with appreciation of each other, we should work throughout our lives together to help the other person to be grateful they are with us.

So Rob, you can fight the Curse Of The Aging Married Zombies with loving work and mutual ongoing consideration for each other. We all eventually die some day, and I hope it’s in each other’s arms, in love.

It’s closing in on Christmas, and estranged families are extra-impacted by the season. Siblings who have made no attempt to contact anyone in ten years, teenage daughters injured by their divorced Dad who had too little to do with them in recent years; sons  who departed their parents in anger and disgust are but a few examples of Hurtin’ Holiday Humans.
If no further contact is desired, then likely that’s the way it will be. However, there are those who wish they could undo their behavior. This person was aching for a re-connection, and figured there was nothing she could do, so we tried an experiment. Later, a man came in aching for contact with his soon to be married daughter. We (he) applied the same principle: same result.
 
Although she had come in for marital problems, when she started talking about her daughter she began to cry.  She said her daughter had been seeing a guy who was big trouble, but at 19, her daughter wouldn’t listen.  One evening while she was reading in bed, her door flew open and her daughter and her boyfriend stood there with a .38 and shot at her head.  She said she actually heard the bullet rocket past her ear into the wall, then they were gone.  She didn’t call the police but left the state to move here.  When I asked her about her obvious sadness, she told me she had been told her daughter was expecting a child and due in a few months.  Between the tears she said “despite what she did, she’s still my girl and (sob) I want to be there to help her and the baby”.  I was a little surprised: maternal instinct trumped the worst behavior ever.
 
I asked her if she wanted to be the first guinea pig in a brand new experiment: postcard therapy.  The rules, though few, might not be easy to follow. After the discussion, she agreed to try the experiment. The rules were:
* Buy six postcards – any type. You can get blank ones at the post office.
* Send them with odd frequency. For example, one on Monday then on Thursday. The next week on Friday. The next week on Thursday and Friday.
* No lovey-dovey messages. Only friendly chatter such as “after a year of no rain, two inches fell last night. A blue jay and mocking bird were out back having a heck of a fight”, etc, etc.
* By far, the most difficult part is the last rule: you can’t expect anything in return. That means absolutely nothing. Nada. Zip. You are doing this as a kindness and sacrifice for your child, not to win them back. No running to the mailbox hoping for a letter. This is for them, not for you.
 
I saw her two weeks later and she had sent three of the six postcards thus far.  She said the not running to the mailbox was indeed the toughest part of the experiment.  I didn’t see her for another six weeks.  When she came in she patted her purse and told me she had something for me to see.  She reached in and I expected her to pull out a surprise return letter.  Instead, she pulled out an airplane ticket.  Voice cracking, she said her daughter had called and begged her to be with her for the labor and delivery. 
 
She arrived two days before the birth of her first grandchild.  Later, she called me to thank me and said that she and her husband were moving back to her home state and thanked me for “letting me be your guinea pig for postcard therapy”.  A year later it was another homerun with an estranged father and his 23 year old daughter.  This time the child asked her father to come back and walk her down the aisle at her wedding.  The only failure thus far was a woman who angrily came back in to announce the therapy had failed.  She bitterly complained, “The little ingrate never bothered to write me back!”  Whoops, obviously she forgot the final and toughest step.
 
This therapy is born out of kindness and sacrifice for someone.  We also inadvertently lead the way by providing a powerful example about loving behavior.  The worst thing that could happen is that nothing happens.  You’re out the cost of six postcards and stamps and maybe thirty minutes of writing for your efforts.  The best that could happen is that you change their lives and yours. 
Post cards: they’re not just for vacations anymore…

Hey John     

I’m recently married.  My wife has an eleven year old son.  I have a problem with his eating habits.  He can’t live without sodas and crappy food.  We were mowing the lawn and we were both really thirsty.  I went in and brought out 2 cold waters.  He raised a fuss and took one sip.  He said he’ll  just wait for his Dr. Pepper.  I can’t get his Mom to help me help him to be more healthy.  Both he and his Mom are pretty plump.  I can’t convince her that it is in his best interests to not grow up to be fat.  Am I out of line in pushing healthy food?  Is my step-son destined to be Fat Freddie?
 
Healthy Dad
 
 
Dear Mr. Health,
 
First off-did you know this woman and her son before you married her?  I assume you did.  What has changed since you fell in love with her?  I agree with you that introducing your family to a healthier life style would be in their best interests.  But, the question presents itself:  how much right do you have to insist these people follow your way of life?  I assume you fell in love with wifey for reasons beyond your desire to watch her change her diet.  You underestimate the influence you can have by quietly leading the way.  You also underestimate the amount of resistance you will create by being a nagging pain in the posterior.  So here’s a few recommendations. 

1. Be a loving, supportive husband to your wife, and step father to your new son.
2. Go shopping with your wife once in a while.  Pick out the healthy stuff you want, and pipe down about whining about the case of Dr. Pepper and 3 bags of pork rinds she might buy.
3. Introduce junior to a few tasty treats.  Don’t take it personally if change comes slowly.  Cheese or peanut butter on celery, cut carrot sticks with ranch dressing, toasted seasoned baked pita chips are all fun to eat.  If no one eats them, you eat them.  Kids are starving after school – it’s a good time to tempt him with clever tasty grub.

Be an active loving husband and father.  Be a good example and relax.

Hey John,
A few months ago I was in an art competition with a fairly good sized group of people. I couldn’t help but take notice that many of the artists’ spouses were in attendance, providing encouragement and friendly company. So half way through my project I called my husband to ask him if he would like to come down and keep me company (it’s a ten minute drive). He told me he would rather watch TV. When my artist neighbor commented that perhaps he was excited about an Olympic event, I told her he just wanted to watch golf. Then I excused myself, went to the bathroom and cried. Is this all there is to an aging marriage? Do I even hope for an improvement? I am both married and lonely, and I don’t know what to do.
Sad Artist
 
Dear Ms. Renoir,
There are two answers. The first, although it is a little absurd, would likely be most effective. The second is more traditional, and might still help.
You could “slip him a mickey” (knockout drink), and handcuff him to a comfortable chair. Then you could force him to watch good movies with men who are loving, protective, and chivalrous. A few come to mind: Humphrey Bogart ("Bogey") in The African Queen is a fine start. Gregory Peck? John Wayne? You know, good examples of chivalrous, manly behavior. However, as he is into lazyass, belly-scratchin’ self-centered behavior, a traditional approach might be more effective.
 
Tell GolfDog you need to talk to him about something serious. The TV must be off (have him consult the manufacturer’s instruction manual as to how to do it). I like to begin a marriage enhancing/fixing session with getting a view of the past. What attracted you to this girl? When did you decide to get serious with her? What were some things about her that surprised or amazed you? What type of dates did y’all go on when you were first dating? Did you impress her in any way   (even accidentally)? Back in the day, maybe the second date, if she had called you to come see her, would you have said “no, I have to watch golf and scratch my armpits”? Feel free to re-phrase the last suggestion. Close with this bone chilling statement: “I am lonely”.
 
Many times such behavior is mindless laziness, not intentional disrespect. Couples need to work at continuing to impress each other as we grow older with each other. It’s easy early in our relationship, but it takes effort as we get older. Whoever is the most with-it needs to provide guidance to the other. And conversely the “other” needs to take it to heart, and work consistently at keeping his loved one in love with him. Plus, I bet your art work gets better as he gets better. I sincerely hope he can.

Ok  y’all, let’s have a little talk here. I could make an additional career criticizing a millionaire “advice” columnist. Out of fairness, most issues she writes about are pretty lightweight, and she does ok. But the reality is, if your opinion is important to someone and carries some credibility, you are obligated to not let your own bias’ or personal preferences color your advice. More directly, you need to not be a knucklehead and screw somebody up. “For instance?” you might ask? Well folks, this is Crabigail’s column from August, 2018. Excuse the paraphrasing, but I’ll try to be accurate. Go ahead, sit down. Don’t read this while you’re driving.
 
Dear Ms. Crabby,
I’ve been married to my husband for 28 years. My (female) friend has been married for 30. Recently she gave me a soft kiss on the neck. I didn’t respond, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Can two straight women jump ship and fall in love with each other? Oh, Obi Wan, please help me. Tell me what to do.
Kissee
 
[Crabby’s abbreviated  response]
Dear Ms Kissee,
Yes, people of the same sex can fall for each other. I can’t tell you what to do. “Much will depend on what she has to say…..”
_________________________
 
[Sound of brakes slamming on: screeeeech!]. WHAT did you just say? Is that some mutated misprint? Ok Crabs, for the sake of equality, let’s change the genders around. “My film director came over and gave me a sloppy kiss on the neck. He knows how long I’ve been married. Is it ok for me to fall in love with him? Crabby, does he seem like a good guy to you? Should I leave my husband and kids for him? I sure could use your most important guidance. Do you think “much will depend upon what he has to say”?
 
So Jeannie, aka Dear Crabby Jr., at least consider this:
 
Dear Kissee,
At what point do we surrender to temptation? What did you teach your kids about using drugs? What about early sexual activity? Did you try to instill principles to help them make conscientious decisions? Was it something like, “son, if a meth pipe appears at a party, you’re going to be faced with a decision. Should you just turn and leave?  Should you use because other people are? Or use because you are tempted? We all face some tough decisions in our lives. I hope you make decisions that are consistent with your beliefs.”
 Or something like that.
It seems like when Crabby addresses  Kissee’s same-sex question, perhaps she thinks that taking a position might be viewed as anti-same sex. So instead you advise her to wait until hot lips makes a decision about her? Most people make more competent decisions when they make them their selves.
You might want to also suggest that she have a little “needs love” discussion with husband of 28 years. She doesn’t have to bust hot lips, just have a loving talk with her husband. I’d hate to think that after 28 years, my wife and I couldn’t have meaningful discussions with each other. If she wants to jump the fence with neckkisser, she’s got lots of time to do it. Let’s try some problem solving first.
 
So Crabigail, it shouldn’t be all about the money. You may be pulling in a bunch of cash, but it is supposed to be about helping people. You don’t always have to be people’s moral compass, but you’re sure as hell not supposed to do harm. Some letters may be light and simple, but some are life-changingly serious. My unsolicited advice is add some people to your staff who have their feet squarely planted on the ground. Then you can get some additional ideas to consider. Either that or take your inappropriate big bucks and retire. Then do what your mother should have done and retire the name too.

Hey John,
I have two problems. Actually, I have more like eleven hundred of them, but here are two of them. I have a pretty strange family. I am distant from them, so I don’t see them very often. They have a world of problems. My kid sister (in her twenties) is either anorexic or bulimic. I don’t really know the difference. She’s skinny as a pale toothpick, but won’t eat hardly anything. The next one up the ladder is my brother who’s hugely overweight, and will eat you out of house and home. My next in line sister is a serial divorcer. She believes in marriage before you have children; so each one of her four children has a different father. She divorced all four of them. She is currently setting up number five.
Even though this is a pretty dysfunctional family, everyone is an okay person. No thieves or murderers out of the four of us. When we get together, we normally get along pretty well, at least for a while. Not seeing each other but every couple of years probably helps too. Believe it or not, they’re really not the problem. My problem is my best friend. A couple of weeks ago he was over having a couple of beers with me. Everything was chill. Then he starts up. “So how’s your family in Utah? Your sister, how’s she doing? When I asked, “which sister are you talking about?” he says: “You know: the one who starves herself even though she looks like a stick.” Then he continues with talking trash (but it’s all accurate) about each sibling. “Your giant brother: doesn’t he know he’s a heart attack on a plate? And your sister: is she still competing with Elizabeth Taylor’s marriage record?” Etc., etc. etc. I was looking forward to a nice evening with my friend, and Mr. Ultimate Buzzkill screwed it all up. Is there anything I can do with my friendship?
Unhappy Friend
 
Dear Mr. Friend,
Allow me address your question at the end of my answer. In the meantime, you have experienced a strange, though common phenomenon I term, Being Forced To Defend Someone You Don’t Want To Defend. I first discovered this in working with abused women. They would unleash their anger and fear of their abuser to me. As a young therapist I would listen and try to take it all in. Some of the abuse was beyond comprehension. But as my style is interactive, I would eventually comment something like, “when in your relationship did Mike turn into a monster?” I would then be met with an explanation that he once was the love of her life. Or perhaps that he is a good father, or.......... I quickly realized that I was “making” the woman defend this creep by saying something negative about him. Then she missed her next appointment.
 
I quickly realized that it is a typical response to defend someone you know, especially family, when they are getting’ dogged. This is like some kind of involuntary reflex. The maddening part of this is, the person on the receiving end may be thoroughly disgusted by this person – and then they are compelled to defend them. Talk about making a person crazy! Angry ex-spouses do it all the time. Teenage girls talk smack about their friend’s friend with extreme frequency. How about your husband trashin’ your family? The examples are endless. They are also improper. Your wife is having a hard time with her mother? Learn to be sympathetic, and keep your trap shut. Don’t “make” her defend someone she’s angry at. Why would you? Help her out.
 
So Mister Friend, you may need to instruct your friend, Mr. U. Buzzkill to keep his opinion of your siblings to himself. I doubt if it was done with malice, but we can help our friends rise above their stupidity. Take a calm stand, speak up and save your friendship.

 
Hey John,
What do I do about my mother who is always late? No matter what’s going on: Thanksgiving, going shopping, having coffee, anything, she’s always 40 minutes late. I have tried everything I know of. I’ve left without her (a bad idea), begged her, stopped making plans with her, everything. I even offered to get her counseling. She went once and told me her counselor was 40 minutes late! What do I do? She really screws up the timetable of anything I want to do with her.
Counting The Minutes
 
Dear Ms. Minutes,
Please allow me to boil this down to its essence: “What can I do to change someone else?” And, to make matters worse, it’s your Mom. All of us are aware of the difficulty of making significant changes in our own lives. To force a change on an unwilling subject is likely to be met with frustration and a lack of success.
It sounds like you spend a fair amount of time with your Mom. I wish I had the opportunity to do the same. As it appears this is not a relationship-threatening issue, but rather an ongoing irritation, I make the following suggestions:
* Don’t tell your Mom you are doing this.
* Make your plans to deal with the handicap. If she was wheelchair bound, you would not plan a hike in the mountains. However, a wheelchair accessible outdoor activity might be great. If she was massively sight-impaired, the movie theater might not be enjoyable for her. She sure might enjoy a concert with the music of her choice though. Thus, with this “time-impairment” handicap, learn to make the adjustment. Consider secretly making the 40 minute adjustment for all of y’alls activities. She’s a lucky woman to have a daughter who spends so much time with her. Make it equally enjoyable for yourself by acknowledging her “issue” as a handicap rather than her lack of consideration. Enjoy your time together. Our lives together are fleeting.
 
 

Hey John,
My husband has really terrible oral hygiene. He has for all of our marriage. The first ten years or so it was ok because I love him, and he is a wonderful love maker. He still is, but I have become more sensitive to his gross mouth. Sometimes it’s like kissing a toilet seat, at least what I think it would be like to kiss one. Gross. But I truly love him. He is kind and generous, a hard worker, and like I said before, he’s a wonderful lover.  Any ideas?
Holding My Breath
 
Dear Breathless,
One of the (many) problems of bad oral hygiene is that to begin to improve, there is a degree of suffering involved. When I was working in residential treatment, the kids NEVER brushed their teeth. When I bought them super soft tooth brushes out of my disgracefully meager paycheck, we had a near bloodbath. Gums get soggy, and the rest is obvious. Consider showing him this letter of yours and offer a kind solution. Perhaps making back-to-back appointments for you both with a good dentist might alleviate a little fear. Let your dentist know ahead of time what the situation is. The new electric toothbrushes seem to be gentle but thorough. Brush y’alls teeth together morning and night. Maybe some rewarding him with good kisses after brushing might reinforce the new behavior. Defeating old nasty habits is a multi-year effort. I hope you can help him. If he isn’t motivated, I’d get a small face mask from your dentist (or other medical friends), draw some good lookin’ lips on it with your lipstick and tell him love making sounds great: just no more kissing. If I was a wonderful lover, I'd sure need to be able to kiss my girl. That would sure motivate ME.

 
Hey John,
Can you counsel cats? I'm just kidding. But it's about cats. My son, who is unreliable in keeping jobs moved in with me six months ago. His ex-girlfriend has custody of their son, but he has him every other weekend. Of course, that means I have him every other weekend, as my son still likes to party with his friends, and leaves four year old "Jason" with me. Then there are the cats. He brought his two grown cats with him, but they are mine to feed and everything else. John, I like cats- just not everyone else's cats. They claw my furniture, and when they are in a bad mood, urinate in various places in the house. Last month my son got a job in a town two hours away. He left the cats with me, as his new apartment is pet-free. I have told him I don't want the cats, but he gets angry with me and tells me if I won't keep them, I should just take them out back and shoot them because that's what the pound will do with them anyway. I'm in a fix. Any suggestions?
 
Cat Stepmom
 
 
Dear Cat mom,
The problem is that your son’s brain is infected with EntitlementMaximus, and you join the ranks of the Frustrated Unassertive. However, you need a solution, not a diagnosis. Entitled people feel like they deserve stuff not because they have earned it, but because they want it. And when they don't get it, it's someone else's fault, not theirs. A potential cure for him might be to ship him off to Calcutta and have him do volunteer work for a year. That seems, however, quite unlikely. It is extremely difficult to change someone against their will. It is possible though to change ourselves. Deciding on a course of action is step one. For example, telling him he now has exactly thirty days to get his pets or you must give them to the local humane shelter. Mark it on the calendar and make the appropriate plans to do it. Secondly and perhaps most importantly: NO BLUFFING. If you can't follow through, then do not say it. No threats, just action. If you are worried about how to deliver the news, you can preface the call with a compassionate statement such as, “I feel so badly to tell you this, but..." When he argues, be kind, but do not defend your position. You can simply repeat the order. Although the transition from unassertive to properly assertive is a bit unnerving for most at the beginning, it may be one of the most important improvements you will ever make. Take a deep breath, say a prayer (or whatever you do to strengthen yourself) and improve your existence.
 
 
Hey John,
Am I being unrealistic in my marriage? We have been happily married for eight years, have two children, and are talking about a third. I know our current and future years are not still the honeymoon period, but I find myself a little less happy than I thought I'd be at eight years. I am the center of our family, and "George" is a less enthusiastic person. He comes home from work and has less patience with the girls than he should have. I notice the kids gripping about each other in the same manner he does. We share chores better than most couples, and he's a good provider. However, he is less and less expressive about being with me. The lack of a warm greeting when one of us gets home is one example of a sad change. I don't need advice on saving my marriage, but making it better. Am I looking at our future: more and more drab? Despite it all, I still love him with all my heart.
Amarillo Annie
 
Dear Ann,
I have to make an assumption here: y'all planned on this marriage being forever, and not just until you bugged each other too much. When we first begin courting each other, all the special stuff comes effortlessly. Dressing up for each other, going out of our way to please the other, basically working to make the other person know how special they are to us. Then, as our life together progresses, we slip into normal/mindless mode. We stop greeting each other with a loving embrace and kiss, happily making little sacrifices for each other, in other words, we stop trying to impress each other. Years ago, when my daughter got a new(er) car, she had to make the transition from a standard transmission to an automatic. Rather than being pleased with the ease of driving, she expressed her concern: “Daddy, this is kinda boring. I don't know what to do with my left foot [the clutch] or my right hand [the gear shift] while I’m driving”.  It's the opposite order with our marriages. We're on automatic in the beginning by trying to make the other person happy. Then, later, we change to a manual transmission; we have to manually change gears with a little bit of effort. So what's the problem? If it doesn't come naturally, we don't do it?
So specifically I'd recommend having a kind sit-down with each other. Rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong, you can remind them of how much you look forward to seeing him, and you would love to be met with a loving kiss (even a light kiss is better than a wave from across the room). Don't be scared to lead the way. Sometimes we boys need loving reminders of how to take care of our girls. Without being overly demanding, help him to remember how to look out for you. He’ll probably need a tune-up or two on down the road. Plenty of older couples lead “normal” existences as pleasant roommates. Personally, I'd rather try to at least infrequently try to impress my girl and keep her in love with me.

Hey John,
After a lot of suffering, my mother just died. She was only in her mid-fifties. I have a lot of mixed up feelings about her death. She knew she was COPD years ago, but she kept on smoking like a train. She really didn’t take very good care of herself, and now I’m without a mom. I am both angry and sad, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. My sister is mad at me because she says I’m not sad enough. My brother just stays drunk most of the time. How am I supposed to feel?
Lost Daughter
 
 
Dear Lost,
Early in my career,  I had a fella die who I did occasional business with and  I found myself half-crazy with my bizarre emotions. Sometimes I would not think anything about him for a while, then I’d feel guilty I hadn’t been mourning him. Other times I would be in the middle of a work project and almost “hear” a debate I’d had with him. I felt like I was losing a few of my marbles, so I went to go see my supervisor. When I explained that I was not grieving normally, he asked me what normal was. I responded, “Well, first I suppose I should be denying this whole event. Then I should probably be angry. Then I .......”. He interrupted and asked, “are you giving me Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief?” I wasn’t on purpose, but clearly I was doing just that. I laughed and agreed that I was. He asked me to describe my shifting emotions regarding Raymond’s death, and we discussed that for a while. After I left, I had a clearer picture of my sadness. I was grieving in my own private manner, and however I was doing it was “normal”.
 
Sadness / grief is an unpleasant place to dwell. Nonetheless, it is both an inevitable and important part of our lives. Grief is evidence that we have had a significant person in our lives. If God popped into your room and said, “I will relieve all of your great sadness, but in doing so, I must erase all memory of their existence from your mind”, would you do it? In a vast majority of cases, we would accept the sadness and keep the memories and experiences. Although it’s a whole lot easier to say this when I’m currently not going through it, suffering is an extremely important, and often times beneficial time in our lives. Rarely does a family member have the skills to act as a therapist. If you need to discuss this with another person, it sounds like your family would not be the ones to do it. A discussion or two with a decent counselor might be helpful. Although sadness sucks, I’m glad your relationship was significant enough to make your heart ache.
 
Hey John,
I have a job, no kids, and a shaky relationship with my boyfriend. I smoke meth, and he doesn’t like it. I say that I have a job and smoke meth, and so it is not affecting me in a negative way. Is it possible to use meth consistently AND productively?
Pam’s Pipe
 
Dear P. Piper,
My dear, if you will excuse the pun: you’re living a pipe dream. Because of increasing tolerance and simply just the nature of this drug, ♫There’s A Bad Moon On The Rise♪. Trouble is coming when you use some crappy, man-made chemical that has so many seriously bad qualities to it. Just because it is currently helping you through the day, it doesn’t mean it will continue to. In a short period of time, you will not be able to get through the day without it. Then it starts to make some long-term chemical changes in your body. Continued use without knowledge of the consequences is ignorant. Learn to add the energy to your life through consistent exercise, a well thought out diet and meth-free entertainment. The clock is tickin’ toots.

Hey John ,
I love to read advice columns, but yours is the first one that I've come across in which the advice really seems sound. I am desperately hoping you can give me some guidance.
 
My parents have been financially unstable since I was in my late teens. I worked and put myself through college, got married, started a family - the typical path. My husband also came from a financially irresponsible family, and we have worked our tails off to develop good financial habits and live within our means. We save for emergencies and it has not been unusual for either one of us to be working two jobs if we need to replace those funds after an emergency has come up. We're extremely worried about the financial situation my mother has placed herself in, however. 
 
My younger sister is an intermittent drug user throughout her life. Incidentally, she blames being illness on me - she says the fact that I scared/startled her repeatedly as a child caused her brain chemistry to become "off" and therefore I caused her problems. Her employment has been unstable. She would move in with my parents "just for a couple of months" and would stay for years, never contributing financially. My parents supported her son's needs (she did not pursue child support). Her son grew up and my parents insisted that she move out - she moved into the apartment complex where my mother worked, and then proceeded to quit her next job and threaten to kill herself if my parents did not pay her rent. Of course, they did. My nephew, her son, has been arrested multiple times for drug possession, and has fathered two children with another addict. My parents have cared for and paid all expenses for one of the children. The other was given to friends of the mother's sister who my nephew does not even know. My parents paid for the attorney fees involved with his arrests, court costs, replacement of multiple cars "so he could work" though my nephew has changed jobs about every two months and frequently takes a month or two off completely. My sister moved herself back in with my parents in their tiny apartment, sleeping on their living room floor, and storing all of her belongings in their living room. She stopped speaking to me when I told her it was unacceptable for a 40-year old adult to be sleeping on her parents' floor and that it was past time for her to get herself together. She decided that she wanted to be declared disabled, so she took a bunch of pills, then had her son take her to the hospital, so that she would be held in a mental hospital for a few days so that she could "let someone else take care of her for a while" because she says she is not equipped to care for herself. Then she didn't like it and wanted out.  
 
My parents have always been church-goers and have heard frequent teachings on being good financial stewards, but their codependent behavior has resulted in them running up multiple credit cards to pay for attorney fees, rent, cars, and child care for these two. My husband and I have begged for almost twenty years for them to get counseling, to get church assistance in correcting the situation, go to Dave Ramsey classes - SOMETHING. We have been worried that my sister and nephew would leave them wiped out financially and then expect us to foot the bill for them not being on the street, and we have repeatedly expressed this worry to my parents, but nothing has changed. 
 
My father passed away recently. My mother is 75 years old and is maxed out on credit cards, with very little savings and a leased car. She is living in a small house now that she cannot afford, with my nephew and his daughter. He is three months clean, but due to his record, has had difficulty finding a job other than waiting tables. He currently works two days a week and contributes nothing. My mom takes care of his daughter every day and weekend - free childcare. Although the birth mother has never had custody of the child, she collects child support that is taken from his sporadic checks and spends it on drugs. He's repeatedly reported this, but has been told that unless she willingly submits to a drug test, there is no proof and nothing they can do. My mother buys all the food, pays all the utilities. The little girl considers my mother - her great-grandmother - her mother, because her own other is so addicted to drugs that she rarely sees her. My sister has moved in with a boyfriend, and has been hired and released from temporary job assignments because someone always "has it in for her." She has not paid my mother back or helped her financially. She has not filed taxes in years, and has over $40K in student loan debt. She hides her car so that it is not repossessed. 
 
My mother met with her financial advisor yesterday, who bluntly told her that unless my nephew/sister pays $800 per month towards the expenses/what they owe her, she will be out of money and on the street in a matter of about 18 months. 
 
I'm sick to my stomach. My husband and I work very hard, but we have a family to support and we're not going to be able to pay my mom's expenses. What I see happening is that my mom will run out of money, my sister and nephew will dump her on me, she won't want to abandon her great-granddaughter, so she will want her to move in as well. It's like a train wreck that I've been watching come at me for 20 years, begging them to change direction, but they won't. We don't want this mess in our lives. We want to give our child a stable home and financially stable parents like we didn't have, but at the same time, we're not going to let my mom sleep on the street. 
 
Is there any way out of this for me and my husband? Thank you for your time and consideration.
Worried About My Mom
 
Dear Worried,
 That, my dear, is a mouthful. Lucky you for having turned out to be the white sheep in the family. However, it is a sad vantage point looking at so much rampant dysfunction in your birth family. Although your detailed account is different than most chewed-up families, you share one important inquiry: “what can I do to change other people?” Logically, we know that if making significant changes in our own lives is so difficult, forcing changes on someone else is typically futile- especially when they’re not asking for help. If you can’t affect their change, then how do you handle your own frustration and sadness? Limiting contact with really dysfunctional family members (or friends for that matter) is essential. Putting a hold on Facebook contributions of theirs is a first step. Limiting (not necessarily stopping altogether) texts or calls seems necessary in the same vein. I’d invite my Mom over as much as I thought was proper, and have a pleasant time together. She will most certainly need a role model for what a “normal” person is like. As years of lectures haven’t helped, perhaps merely love and kindness would remind her of what she may be missing in her own life. Will it help her to raise her standards? Maybe yes, maybe no. Is it the proper thing to do? Seems like it might be. Exposure to kindness can have a profound effect on someone.
p.s. I’ve been a therapist for a long time. As we are living in these here United States of America, I have yet to see a regular person tossed “into the street”. Though your financial fears for your Mom may be correct, the homeless /starving scenario is likely not accurate. Now, daughter, it’s your turn to be a good role model.  pss You and your nice husband need to start having some fun together. An occasional movie (theater), bowling, or a drive in the country helps to provide some balance in our hardworking lives. Work hard on behalf of each other too.

“Dear Abby” is actually the daughter of the original advice columnist, making her Dear Abby, Jr. So the issue at hand is a fairly recent letter to Junior approximately stating the question that, once again, deals with a woman and S-E-X. Crabby has shown an obvious bias (to put it pleasantly) towards a woman’s “right” to engage in most sexual matters, especially if the male may not approve. So allow me to paraphrase:
Dear Crabby, I’m an 18 year old female who has had a boyfriend for the last two years. Recently, he told me he needed to “find himself” and we broke up. The next weekend I went to a party and had sex with someone I didn’t know. Two weeks later my boyfriend asked me if I would take him back, and I said yes. Now I don’t know what to do. If I told him I screwed a stranger, he’d break up for good. But, if I don’t tell him, I’m worried he’ll find out from someone else. I don’t know what to do.   [signed]Deeply Concerned
And Crabigail’s approximate bizarro response:
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not obligated to tell him anything unless you have contracted an STD. If he can’t handle the truth, he’s not worthy of being your boyfriend. After all, he was the one who broke up with you.
 
Holy hotpants Crabbington! You are now this gal’s conscience guide? When a client comes in deeply concerned about something, to tell them “you have nothing to worry about” is useless. Remember telling our three year old child that there was nothing to be afraid of when they were going to bed? How did that work out for you? Additionally, you grossly underestimate the power of having sex. You may think it’s just another “thing to do”, but you are wrong. It is a powerful physical and psychological act that yields numerous consequences. Did ex-girlfriend do this to “get even” with the ex-boyfriend? Was she drunk at the party and regrets her diminished capacity? Did she want this to transpire and really had a great time? You assume the latter, but being as she expresses regret for the act, my guess would be it's one of the first two choices. Your “it’s a woman’s choice” position is not the issue here, in spite of your own freed self. This girl is asking for your help, and the best you can offer is, “don’t worry about it”? Perhaps you should occasionally consult with a counselor.
So re-reading her question above, here’s this therapist’s answer:
 
Dear D. Concerned,
I share your concern on a number of fronts. Mr. Boyfriend was lucky you took him back after he pulled the plug on y’alls long relationship. Still, I think you need to consider the stability of a relationship that ended so abruptly, then resumed. As I lectured Abby Jr., you also underestimate the power of sex. Having immediately jumped into the sack with a stranger, an STD check is absolutely essential. You will be instructed to have a follow up HIV check in the following months. As you do guilt about as poorly as I do, consider waiting until you have genuinely reestablished your relationship with Mr. Boyfriend (weeks? months?) and discuss it with him. Although he will rightfully be hurt, you both have screwed up your relationship. If you have a sound future together, it will include forgiveness.
p.s. Watch out for that alcohol at parties thing. Mistakes made during times of impairment can be life altering, and sometimes life threatening.

Hey John,
My husband, three daughters and I live in a fairly small house. A month ago, when I got home from grocery shopping, I found his unemployed brother, his dysfunctional girlfriend and their five month old baby moving into our house. When I called him at his job to ask what was going on, he told me he had to make an “emergency decision”, and didn’t have time to talk to me first. He said his brother had just gotten evicted from their trailer, and didn’t have anywhere to go. Now here we are, a month later and we are paying 100% of the bills, including food. Also, the older of my girls is really angry about this miserable living arrangement and wants to move out into a friend’s house. The only positive thing going on is that my brother in law just got a job with pretty good pay. What’s your take on this mess?
Steamin’ In Cold Country
 
Dear Steamin’Freemen,
Your husband was “inconsiderate” to not discuss this with you. I have other adjectives to describe such knuckleheadedness that may not print in a newspaper. It shows either major disrespect for his wife, or simply the common sense of an armadillo on the highway. It’s possible that he really needed to temporarily save his brother, but there are better ways to have brought it about. Consulting with ones wife is a slam dunk. Additionally, showing the proper sympathy and concern to your frustrated daughter may help to settle her down a little. The key note here is that the brother has found a decent job. You may wish to be extra charitable in volunteering some effort in helping them find housing. Even if they start with a small apartment, they can later move into a house that they can afford. You and your husband need to agree on a time limit for them to move out, and stick with it. By having a reasonably short time limit (two weeks to a month), you can give your daughter hope for her immediate future. I agree with the premise we need to be extra helpful to family. However, there are different levels of family to be served. My wife and children always come first.

Hey John,
I have a shaky relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for about two years, and I never know what kind of mood he’s going to be in. He has told me many times that he’s insecure because his previous wife, and later a girlfriend had cheated on him. So, often times when I get home from work, he’ll quiz me about being fifteen minutes late. He’ll say stuff like, “who are you seeing after work?” Last week I dressed normally to go over to a friend’s house. When I got back, he was mad, asking me, “why did you wear a blouse with your boobs hanging out?” It wasn’t a super low-cut blouse or anything, just my normal stuff. Besides, we girls just got together for a couple of glasses of wine, and other than my friend’s husband, no males were around. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around him. Is there anything I can do to improve this situation?
Walking On Egg Shells
 
Dear Ms. Eggshell,
Yes. The answer is quite simple. Wear a burka for the complete “well-covered look”. Then you should quit your job, and only go out in his company. You may want to consult with a Saudi Arabian woman for a more complete list of the things you’re not allowed to do.
Why on earth people feel like they can win (or keep) the heart of someone by making them feel like crap is really amazing to me. Remember back in younger dating days? Even when you would look your best, smell your best and be on your best behavior, we were still competing with people more desirable than ourselves. Or at least, that’s the way it seemed. If we were feeling insecure, we would certainly keep it to ourselves. Who would ever want to appear pathetic in front of the girl he was trying to impress?
So the answer may be that a little self esteem counseling and self esteem building activities might be of assistance to him. If he’s feeling insecure, he’ll need to practice keeping his mouth shut, and try to impress you in a proper manner. If he can’t change, you might want to do some self evaluation about why you would stay with a boyfriend who makes you constantly feel so bad. Be cautious my dear; sometimes lousy self esteem is contagious.

Hey John,
 
I have four family members that live together in one house, and they are doing horribly. I’m talking about no jobs or vehicles, not paying their bills, and frequently needing to go to the bathroom outdoors. I’ve given them money numerous times, but they are unappreciative. When any of them actually gets a job they quit the first week, and sometimes not even show up on the first day of work. All I get in return is negativity and comments like, “How’s it feel to be living the rich life?” My question is: what else can I do to show them that they can better themselves and live life differently/better?
Sincerely,
Bill Gates
 
Dear Bill,
Heyyyyyy...... wait a minute. You mean the REAL Bill Gates?! I’m going to have to assume you just picked the name up out of thin air. Either that or you got tagged with the wrong name to be with these four blood suckers. Speaking of thin air: the family members you are describing may be suffering from an abundance of thin air in their heads. Very unfortunately, some people mistake kindness for weakness. That appears to be the case with these folks. To respond to generosity with smartass statements like “living the rich life” qualifies them, at very best, as ungrateful. At worst: lazy, permanently poor people with an insatiable sense of entitlement.
There are a couple of things to consider in order to help yourself out. First, when someone makes a rude statement about “the rich life”, you are likely going to respond by defending yourself (“rich life? You gotta be kidding. I work my butt off to pay my bills”). You need to learn to not defend yourself when someone inappropriately attacks you (see: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/not-defending-yourself). Second, you are asking the most frequently asked question I receive: How Do I Change Someone Else. If change is possible, often times the best we can do is to role model proper behaviors. Some people learn by the good example of others. Honesty, hard work, and properly placed compassion (i.e., not to be taken advantage of) are great traits to have. According to your sad description, it would appear that these family members are making a profession of being lazy and ungrateful. My advice is to visit when you can, but know that you will depart feeling somewhat discouraged. However, you can still be kind. If they are out of food, a light delivery of grub is more useful than cash.
Don’t let family schmucks rob you of your decency, just get a more realistic view that changing people against their will is not likely. Stay kind, limit your contact, and for God’s sake, call yourself  William.

Hey John,
I am a high school junior, and my boyfriend of six months is a senior. I really care for him, as he does me. I am trying for my school’s valedictorian next year, but my boyfriend is just passing. He’s not sure if he’s going to try to go to college next year, or join the military. Our problem is sex- or rather lack of sex. Although he doesn’t pressure me to have sex, he says (frequently) that “it’s just a natural progression of our relationship”. He reminds me that a lot of our friends have sex, so it’s really not a big deal. I’m unsure as to what to do. I don’t want to lose him for my boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m ready to have sex. How do you know what to do?
Sexless Sadie
 
Dear Sadie,
There are different ways to approach the topic of sex: physically, emotionally, and although not quite as frequent as it used to be, religiously. Although plenty of people go into it without much thought or preparation, you sound like a well thought-out teen. So let’s address the issues as briefly as possible.
Physically: Sex means pregnancy. Should this transpire, next year you walk the stage largely prego while he’s shootin’ craps in the barracks with his army buds. Not a proper way to raise your darling child, eh? Additionally, if the male is less than informed about birth control, then it’s up to the female. Most female birth control messes with your hormones to keep you from getting pregnant (when it works). There are some physical changes that may occur. In other words, the girl does all the work, takes almost all the risk while the boy gets the semi-free ride.
Emotionally: Sex, although referred to in some cruder terms, is also referred to as “making love”. You know, it’s not supposed to only be what you do when you’re horny, but how you love each other when you’re in love. Plus, adding sex to a relationship always alters things. Where things had always been fun, carefree and without much worry, sex can add guilt, worry, and fear of being found out to name a few.
Religion/personal morals: This one is dependent upon a person’s upbringing as well as their own personal values. For the teens who dreamt of having a loving marriage with the amazing children that true lovemaking brings, is early sex violating your own moral code? And even if it’s not a moral breach, how many times in your life do you want to give in to demands  that you don’t want to do?
So, when someone says to me two of the points you bring up, specifically, “I don’t want to lose him for my boyfriend” and “I’m not sure I’m ready to have sex”, I’d vote vigorously against it. He doesn’t get laid, so he leaves? Hit the road Jack. Remember my dear, you are in control of your body, and no one else. Take good care of yourself.

Hey John,
I’ve got an issue with my boyfriend, and I’m not sure if it’s me being too worried, or him not doing me right. The other day he was in the shower and his phone went off. His Mom has been sick, so I looked to see if it was her. Instead it was his ex-girlfriend texting him a sexy message. John, we’ve been together for over two years, and it seems like they should be done with each other. I started to look through his other messages, and there were a bunch of sexy conversations with different people. He was being equally nasty back, and even suggesting sex stuff that he hasn’t wanted to do with me. When I confronted him, he got mad at me for snooping through his private stuff. He said he was just having fun “talking trashy” with other girls, and he hadn’t done anything wrong. When I told him I feel like he was cheating on me, he said I was over reacting. Was I?
Sad Girl
 
Dear Ms. Sad,
First off, there is a difference between trying to fix a goonball husband and a goonball boyfriend. The former is presumably worth the effort to educate and demand change in order to fix an injured marriage. The latter is potentially more difficult. Considering the sad fact that some people are on their best behavior in the early days of their relationship (as foolish as that is), boyfriend-for-two-years is already a couple of brewskies short of a six pack. I would be less than enthusiastic about future proper behavior of a boy/girlfriend who is, at the very least, unbelievably insensitive about taking good care of his mate early in the relationship. Rather than being embarrassed and apologetic about his nasty behavior, he blames you for being too sensitive? Sheesh. Are you over reacting? Actually, you're under reacting. Do you hear sirens blaring and red lights flashing? Me too. You wishing for a change of behavior obviously doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. It’s time to punt. If he’s upset, tell him to come to Texas and run for the U.S. House of Representatives. He can replace Ft. Worth’s Joe Barton’s soon to be vacant spot. He’ll fit right in.

 
Nov 2, 2017
Hey John,
 My grandfather has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has less than a month to live. I am already having a hard time coming to grips with the inevitable, but I am wondering about how I approach this subject with my 3 and 4 year old children. We are going to visit him before he passes here in a week or so, and my children only know there papaw is really sick. I don't plan on explaining too much to them due to their ages, but if they ask how would you suggest to go about it?
 
 Thank you,
A Lost Soul
 
Ms. Soul,
Your question was regarding the kid’s upcoming sad days rather than your own, so to that I comment. The fact is, little kids can feel the sadness, but not as intensely, nor for as long as we do. Don’t expect them to necessarily grieve much. Additionally, at this tender age, the chances are they may not have much memory of your beloved Grandfather as time goes on. I believe we can pay proper tribute to important people by sharing pictures and stories throughout the upcoming years. In this manner you can derive some comfort in recalling your Grandpa while helping your kids to have a memory of his importance in your life.
 
There is also the significance in our own grief that reflects the greatness and great fortune in knowing and loving the person we have just lost. Refer back to the March 24th column of this year to a person trying to properly deal with losing her Mother. If lessening our sorrow meant lessening our relationship, which would you rather have? It sounds like your Grandpa was as lucky to have you as his granddaughter as you were to have him.
http://www.brownwoodnews.com/hey-john-advice-column-grief-process/

Hey John,
My husband and I have been married for 20+ years, and have three children. Our oldest left a few years ago to join the Air Force. Our number two departed for college three years ago, and now our youngest will leave for college next August. Although my husband seems to have no worries about this upcoming event, I fear it greatly. Do you have any suggestions to help parents with empty nest?
 
Empty nest really means you have been prematurely forced into retirement (that is: before we are ready). We spend twenty or more years raising our brood, then they move out. Although we usually would have it no other way, it is still very unsettling for plenty of parents.
 
When you think about it, we married our loved one many years before because we had fun together, they made us feel important and needed, and it was the person you would most want to spend time with. Then we add the children to the mix, and we are busy with raising them for a great number of years. I recommend to couples that they make a concerted effort to help each other out more than usual during these unsettling times. In your case, asking your husband to help you is step one. Changing the nightly routine can be surprisingly enjoyable. Rather than go to the computer or the television or simply the nightly chores, whip out the cards or dominoes for a couple of games. I bet y’all haven’t been to the movies in a while. A Tuesday night flick is amazingly entertaining. Plan a couple of three or four day vacations soon after your child departs. Just like our pre-child days, watch out for each other and be of kind and loving assistance in our time of need. Don’t worry, our kids always need their parents. They will need calls, cards, and always extra moola. In the mean time, remind yourselves why you fell in love with each other so many years ago.

Hey John,
I am a gay person in a questionable relationship. My Mom doesn't like my girlfriend because she, according to my Mom, treats we with disrespect. Maybe I'm so used to it, I don't see it. How do you know if your relationship is not a healthy one?"
Broken Hearted Bess
 
Dear Bessie,
As a therapist in a medium-small West Texas town, I have dealt with this question numerous times. Thus, I assume in a large city, this issue must be far greater in frequency. As gays are a minority, this issue stands out somewhat more prominently. However, when you look at the whole picture, this is a relevant issue regardless of sexual orientation. So, if you remove the gender orientation issue, the question might be: “Hey John, I seem to have a problem in picking angry men/women for mates. We start off rosy, but two years later, he/she yells at me and becomes massively degrading when angry. Two days later he comes tearfully apologizing for losing his temper. Three weeks later, I’m a worthless, stupid *beep* for making him angry again. Because I pick people like this, am I worthless and stupid ? Do you think I’m a shit magnet?
 
For both Bessie, and Ms. Magnet, the answer may be the same. A few things are concurrently in play here. With many angry or divorced parents, the kids grow up with no clue on the proper behavior for people when they are angry. They rarely observe good problem resolution skills, and thus anger has no manners. Plus, let’s not forget genetics. If one has inherited a serious anger issue from one parent or the other, it is a lot of work to learn to act like a lady or a gentleman, much less when angry. Please note I did not say impossible, just a lot of work. Secondly, it seems many people are so afraid of being alone, they will make huge compromises in order to have someone at home. Will they eventually become accustomed to this negative existence and subconsciously expect it in future relationships? Quite possibly. Thus, it’s not necessarily being a magnet, but a victim of reduced expectations.
So, what to do? If you are already in a lousy relationship, discuss anger expectations (at least), and prepare yourself for a healthy single existence. As it’s a lot of work to change ourselves, if I could write a book on “How To Change Other People”, I’d be a zillionaire.
Eventually meet people in positive places, not some crappy bar. Don’t be pathetic and move in with each other quickly. The dating gig takes plenty of dating time. Learn to expand your physical and intellectual activities. In other words, do healthy stuff for yourself.
 
As for proper rules of a healthy relationship, here are only a few:
*go out of your way for each other
*help each other feel good about yourselves
*extend kindness, even in anger
*in anger, don’t say anything you later wish you hadn’t said
*pay attention to observed good relationships. Even in movies, but better yet with your own eyeballs, learn by observing great people. Pay attention. Try to copy greatness.
 
We are supposed to making up our own book of our life. Why accept mediocrity, or worse, a lousy life? Dream of happiness, and always work towards it.

Hey John,
I really want a better relationship with my sister, but she has become increasingly cold in the last few years. Our conversations are short, and she comes to visit less and less. We are a family of high performance siblings who inherited the business from our Dad. He made it clear from the very beginning we were to run it without “Susie’s” input. She has been the free spirit of all of us, and my Dad had always treated her with less respect than the rest of us. Regardless, I have tried to maintain a good relationship with her, and we are now losing each other. Is this a solvable problem?
Business Betty
 
Dear Betts,
I’m always a little amazed that parents don’t realize that when they show favoritism (or worse, contempt for a child), they deeply sow the seeds of discontent for the children between themselves. I know that different parents have different styles and priorities, but it’s hard to figure out what goes on in the mind of a parent who teaches their children to dislike each other. Perhaps it’s born from selfishness: “I want this business to succeed, and I don’t care who gets hurt”. Perhaps a narcissistic parent: “This is what I want, and my needs are the only thing that matters”. Maybe it’s just plain stupidity. I don’t know. But what I do know is that it takes a nearly superhuman effort from the wise sibling to help maintain a good relationship with Daddy’s black sheep sibling. Occasional “different” communication, such as a nice postcard, coupled with calls to check up on your siblings’ kids, etc. is a good start.
Secondly, privately including your sib in eliciting their opinion on business matters might be beneficial to the both of y’all. You don’t have to advertise you are soliciting your sibling’s business opinion, just do it, and consider it. Sometimes a “free spirit” perspective is worthy of serious consideration. Finally, remember, it took your Dad a number of years to poison the family, and thus, it may take a number of years to administer the anti venom.