Hey John,
Now that my kids have reached the age that their compliance to my wishes is challenged, are there parenting ideas to get teens to be less resistant to my parental requests? A recent example: my daughter wanted to go into town to the local carnival. I told her as long as her room was cleaned, she could go. When her two friends arrived ready to leave, I looked in her room, and it was its normal pigsty self. We had a medium fuss, but I reluctantly let her go anyway. I was angry all weekend, and thought there must be a better way to do this. Ideas?
Perturbed Parent
 
Dear PP,
First and foremost, a parent needs to train themselves to anticipate what’s going to happen. This one would have been an easy one to predict. So the carnival deal was cut on Thursday, Friday morning and after school, the parent might have reminded their sloppy teen that the carnival was looming. THEN, it’s time to whip out the Parental Mighty Martial Arts Technique.
 
I was 17 and made the mistake of calling my friend's judo tournament a karate tournament. He quickly admonished me and told me there were virtually no similarities between the two martial arts. He further lectured me: "Karate is for animals. It's meet-force-with-force. You block and strike back. Judo however is a real martial art. You take the attacking person's energy and move with them to disable them. That's why a 100 lb. woman can completely disable a 300 lb. attacker. It's a lot of throws rather than blows".
I have incorporated young Mr. Kawaguichi's summary into my own work with children, especially teens. Rather than attacking an issue or disagreement head on (force with force), it is far more efficient with the going-with-the-energy approach. A child complains to his father than he had said he was going to shoot some hoops with him after supper, but the Dad had to sweep out the garage first. The judo approach was to ask the son for a solution to the dilemma, as he (the Dad) definitely wanted to play, and daylight was running out. The boy suggested he could help the Dad do the sweeping, as long as the Dad promised to shoot hoops, even if got dark. Perfect.
A daughter, returning home on vacation from her first semester from college was concerned about curfews. In her first semester in college, she had no curfew, and didn't want to be treated like a baby at home. A karate approach would be to tell her tough luck: deal with it. The judo approach was to address her objections and figure out a solution. “I agree that a curfew seems to be a step backward. However, when your mother gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and you’re not back, she’ll never get back to sleep. What shall we do?” It was finally agreed that regardless of how late she anticipated coming home, even 3 A.M., she would keep her self-imposed "curfew". If she had decided to spend the night at the friend's house, she would call no later than 1:00. The family later reported that although they were initially nervous about the compromise, she kept her word. As a side note, they were amused that despite the no-curfew agreement, she was usually home around midnight.
In your case, after the return from school, the parent might have lovingly (vs. threateningly) told the daughter, “your friends are going to be here at 7. I’ve got a few extra minutes to chip in and help you clean your room. May I provide you some assistance?” Then make it as much of an enjoyable experience as you can. Try to avoid predictable responses such as, “Oh my GOD! This old piece of pizza has enough mold to start a penicillin factory!!”  Just make her glad she asked you to help her out. In the event she refused your kind help and still didn’t keep her agreement, we now move into the proper accountability stage. However, that’s another topic for another inquiry. Obviously there are times when the parent has to pull out the because-I-told-you-so card, but the joy of dealing with issues by going with the other person's “energy” by adding a few twists or flips of our own is the superior martial art of parenting.
 
You will find yourself a bit inept at this brand of martial arts for a while, but as in judo (or karate for that matter), it takes practice to get good. If we expect our kids to improve, then so should we. In time, you may earn your fifth degree black belt in the Parental Mighty Martial Arts Technique.

Ok  y’all, let’s have a little talk here. I could make an additional career criticizing a millionaire “advice” columnist. Out of fairness, most issues she writes about are pretty lightweight, and she does ok. But the reality is, if your opinion is important to someone and carries some credibility, you are obligated to not let your own bias’ or personal preferences color your advice. More directly, you need to not be a knucklehead and screw somebody up. “For instance?” you might ask? Well folks, this is Crabigail’s column from August, 2018. Excuse the paraphrasing, but I’ll try to be accurate. Go ahead, sit down. Don’t read this while you’re driving.
 
Dear Ms. Crabby,
I’ve been married to my husband for 28 years. My (female) friend has been married for 30. Recently she gave me a soft kiss on the neck. I didn’t respond, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Can two straight women jump ship and fall in love with each other? Oh, Obi Wan, please help me. Tell me what to do.
Kissee
 
[Crabby’s abbreviated  response]
Dear Ms Kissee,
Yes, people of the same sex can fall for each other. I can’t tell you what to do. “Much will depend on what she has to say…..”
_________________________
 
[Sound of brakes slamming on: screeeeech!]. WHAT did you just say? Is that some mutated misprint? Ok Crabs, for the sake of equality, let’s change the genders around. “My film director came over and gave me a sloppy kiss on the neck. He knows how long I’ve been married. Is it ok for me to fall in love with him? Crabby, does he seem like a good guy to you? Should I leave my husband and kids for him? I sure could use your most important guidance. Do you think “much will depend upon what he has to say”?
 
So Jeannie, aka Dear Crabby Jr., at least consider this:
 
Dear Kissee,
At what point do we surrender to temptation? What did you teach your kids about using drugs? What about early sexual activity? Did you try to instill principles to help them make conscientious decisions? Was it something like, “son, if a meth pipe appears at a party, you’re going to be faced with a decision. Should you just turn and leave?  Should you use because other people are? Or use because you are tempted? We all face some tough decisions in our lives. I hope you make decisions that are consistent with your beliefs.”
 Or something like that.
It seems like when Crabby addresses  Kissee’s same-sex question, perhaps she thinks that taking a position might be viewed as anti-same sex. So instead you advise her to wait until hot lips makes a decision about her? Most people make more competent decisions when they make them their selves.
You might want to also suggest that she have a little “needs love” discussion with husband of 28 years. She doesn’t have to bust hot lips, just have a loving talk with her husband. I’d hate to think that after 28 years, my wife and I couldn’t have meaningful discussions with each other. If she wants to jump the fence with neckkisser, she’s got lots of time to do it. Let’s try some problem solving first.
 
So Crabigail, it shouldn’t be all about the money. You may be pulling in a bunch of cash, but it is supposed to be about helping people. You don’t always have to be people’s moral compass, but you’re sure as hell not supposed to do harm. Some letters may be light and simple, but some are life-changingly serious. My unsolicited advice is add some people to your staff who have their feet squarely planted on the ground. Then you can get some additional ideas to consider. Either that or take your inappropriate big bucks and retire. Then do what your mother should have done and retire the name too.

Hey John,
I have two problems. Actually, I have more like eleven hundred of them, but here are two of them. I have a pretty strange family. I am distant from them, so I don’t see them very often. They have a world of problems. My kid sister (in her twenties) is either anorexic or bulimic. I don’t really know the difference. She’s skinny as a pale toothpick, but won’t eat hardly anything. The next one up the ladder is my brother who’s hugely overweight, and will eat you out of house and home. My next in line sister is a serial divorcer. She believes in marriage before you have children; so each one of her four children has a different father. She divorced all four of them. She is currently setting up number five.
Even though this is a pretty dysfunctional family, everyone is an okay person. No thieves or murderers out of the four of us. When we get together, we normally get along pretty well, at least for a while. Not seeing each other but every couple of years probably helps too. Believe it or not, they’re really not the problem. My problem is my best friend. A couple of weeks ago he was over having a couple of beers with me. Everything was chill. Then he starts up. “So how’s your family in Utah? Your sister, how’s she doing? When I asked, “which sister are you talking about?” he says: “You know: the one who starves herself even though she looks like a stick.” Then he continues with talking trash (but it’s all accurate) about each sibling. “Your giant brother: doesn’t he know he’s a heart attack on a plate? And your sister: is she still competing with Elizabeth Taylor’s marriage record?” Etc., etc. etc. I was looking forward to a nice evening with my friend, and Mr. Ultimate Buzzkill screwed it all up. Is there anything I can do with my friendship?
Unhappy Friend
 
Dear Mr. Friend,
Allow me address your question at the end of my answer. In the meantime, you have experienced a strange, though common phenomenon I term, Being Forced To Defend Someone You Don’t Want To Defend. I first discovered this in working with abused women. They would unleash their anger and fear of their abuser to me. As a young therapist I would listen and try to take it all in. Some of the abuse was beyond comprehension. But as my style is interactive, I would eventually comment something like, “when in your relationship did Mike turn into a monster?” I would then be met with an explanation that he once was the love of her life. Or perhaps that he is a good father, or.......... I quickly realized that I was “making” the woman defend this creep by saying something negative about him. Then she missed her next appointment.
 
I quickly realized that it is a typical response to defend someone you know, especially family, when they are getting’ dogged. This is like some kind of involuntary reflex. The maddening part of this is, the person on the receiving end may be thoroughly disgusted by this person – and then they are compelled to defend them. Talk about making a person crazy! Angry ex-spouses do it all the time. Teenage girls talk smack about their friend’s friend with extreme frequency. How about your husband trashin’ your family? The examples are endless. They are also improper. Your wife is having a hard time with her mother? Learn to be sympathetic, and keep your trap shut. Don’t “make” her defend someone she’s angry at. Why would you? Help her out.
 
So Mister Friend, you may need to instruct your friend, Mr. U. Buzzkill to keep his opinion of your siblings to himself. I doubt if it was done with malice, but we can help our friends rise above their stupidity. Take a calm stand, speak up and save your friendship.