Hey John,
I am a woman in my mid-forties. I have always been slightly overweight, so I finally found a diet and healthy life style than enabled me to lose some weight. Late in the year my Mom became seriously ill, and I devoted a lot of my time to helping the family out. During the process I lost a few more pounds (not much). My Mom is improving, and my life is considerably improved.
A few months ago I was at a party, all dressed up and having fun when an acquaintance came up to me and said, “I see you’ve lost weight. And it’s not a healthy look for you”. I left the party holding back tears and I can’t stop thinking about what he said. Do I really look that bad? Should I try to gain a few pounds back? Did helping my Mom make me look worn down? It’s months later, and I still feel bad. What can I do to stop ruminating on it?
Feeling Sad
 
Dear Ms. Sad,
I have some bad news for you: schmucks are all around us. My first reaction is to slap the shit out of Mr. or Mrs. Dumbass. However, that “therapy” would only benefit me, not the accused. I think it is essential that we remember to quietly preface all comments from people with, “in my opinion”. If Mr. Insensitivity were to have had the uncommon sense to say, “In my opinion, you may have dropped too much weight”, we might still be wounded, but could keep it in context. It’s just his crappy little unsolicited opinion. That and $2.75 will get you a Starbucks coffee. In other words, it doesn’t mean much. There are plenty of people that try to make themselves feel superior by giving lots of unsolicited (and usually unwanted) opinions or advice.  Re-directing your anger (or sadness) to the tragedy of their terribly handicapped ego would be more accurate than seriously considering what they had to say.
You have to wonder what ever has happened to them that they would become so ill mannered. Too bad for us to be subjected to it; really too bad for them being like this. So instead of trying to forget about it, properly reframe it: they’ve become crass, and it’s too bad you were there for it.
P.S. Unless you look like Twiggy in the sixties, keep the weight off, you lucky duck.
P.S.S. At the risk of over self-promotion, I recommend one of my personally favorite essays: Not Defending Yourself at: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/not-defending-yourself  It really set me free.

P.S. Do you think Texas will ever legalize weed? With all these states legalizing marijuana, do you have an opinion?
Benjamin J.

She realized how foolish they were: smoking pot in her boyfriend's car. When the police lights came on behind them, she tried to put away the "blunt" (a stupidly oversized joint). She nervously knocked the fixings all over the seat and floor. Fortunately it was well within the misdemeanor range (about a gram: 1/28th of an ounce. Anything below four ounces is a misdemeanor in Texas). She was horrified when she found out she had been charged with a felony: an extremely serious and life changing charge. Because the police officer observed the small amount of pot on the seat and floor, the prosecutor decided to charge her with tampering with evidence. Maximum penalty: ten years in prison! Her court appointed attorney advised her to take a plea bargain and accept ten years probation. She will have paid over ten thousand dollars by the time it’s over. And she will have a felony permanently embedded on her record.
 
Another person came in for counseling due to some serious depression. Two years before he was pulled over for speeding. He had no problem with the officer searching his car as he hadn’t smoked pot in a couple of years. To his shock, the cop found an ancient “roach” decaying in a tiny metal box. He was charged, posted non-refundable bail, then the charges were later dropped as the roach was so old and tiny, they couldn’t get a sample from it. He had custody of his two young children, as his angry ex-wife needed more “space”. However, her parents wanted the kids and she was living with them, so they hired an expensive attorney from Dallas, and using the arrest as evidence of his inability to care for his two children, he lost custody of his children.
 
We can easily blame an excited and overzealous District Attorney, but regardless, the law is in place. The only relief is to reduce the extreme punishment for a light “crime”. Drop the debate for a while on the legalization of marijuana, and let’s consider the reduction of extreme punishment in decriminalization. Look it up, as there’s a huge difference. The problem is the people who are charge of creating a humane environment are politicians. Most do not want to create a potential controversy by taking a stand. Their main concern, perhaps their only concern is to keep their relatively easy and well paid jobs. So they stay quiet.
 
This is not an endorsement of smoking pot, but a reasonable request to drop the extreme penalties of the 1940’s, and make the law fit the crime. I hope our fine state is not only populated by political scaredy cats. We are long overdue to step up to the plate and make the shoe (or boot) fit the foot.
 
 
 
John S. Sommer
National Certified Addictions Counselor II
Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Supervisor

Hey John,
I know you have written about it before, but now that I’m off probation I have started to drink some and smoke weed again. I’m old enough to know better to do this stuff while I’m driving, so I doubt I will ever have to deal with probation again. The problem is my girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for about two years, and I was not smoking or drinking during that time. She says alcohol changes my personality, so I hardly drink. Besides, as drugs go, I would rather smoke weed anyway. She says new studies show marijuana can cause mental illness. I say it’s probably not a good thing to use if you are mentally ill, but it doesn’t cause it. I love her more that I love getting high, so if it puts our relationship in danger, I’ll stop. What do you say?
P.S. Do you think Texas will ever legalize weed? With all these states legalizing marijuana, do you have an opinion?
Benjamin J.
 
Bennie,
You ask two big questions, so you’ll get two answers. Friday will be part One, and Monday or Tuesday will be Part Two.
 
Sometimes people get overly nervous when their spouse drinks or uses another drug and predicts somewhat unpleasant behaviors. Sometimes they’re wrong, more often times they’re right. Right or wrong, it shouldn’t really matter: why would we do stuff that scared the person we love?  Even if their fears are ungrounded, if they are scared, and we are the cause of it, do we want to scare the person we love and protect? We should take care of each other better than that. If you say, “Why shouldn’t she take care of me, ‘cause I just want to get high?” Comparing these two, not being scared is always a bigger deal than the need for altered states every  single  time.
I don’t know what has her scared: altered behaviors or the threat of mental illness. I am including a really interesting article from a recent New Yorker magazine to add to y’alls further education. I highly recommend it. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/01/14/is-marijuana-as-safe-as-we-think 
 I will comment on the marijuana issue in Part Two of this HeyJohn.
 
One problem with altered states (there are a few more) is that it often becomes the norm rather than the occasional “partying”. Both of your favorite drugs are undesirable as a norm. Alcohol is an older, longer observed drug, and we all know about the depressing or shit behaviors that can result. Obviously it’s not an issue with everyone, but you better keep your eyes on it. The immediate issue at hand is what a long-term loving relationship is supposed to be about. Be a great boyfriend or husband. Protect your gal. It’s an important thing to make her feel safe.
I personally have never found an altered state I loved more than my wife.
 
Please tune in for Part Two. I hope I don’t alienate my readers, but I have a thought to toss at you. See you Monday (2/4/19) or Tuesday.