Hey John,
My husband, three daughters and I live in a fairly small house. A month ago, when I got home from grocery shopping, I found his unemployed brother, his dysfunctional girlfriend and their five month old baby moving into our house. When I called him at his job to ask what was going on, he told me he had to make an “emergency decision”, and didn’t have time to talk to me first. He said his brother had just gotten evicted from their trailer, and didn’t have anywhere to go. Now here we are, a month later and we are paying 100% of the bills, including food. Also, the older of my girls is really angry about this miserable living arrangement and wants to move out into a friend’s house. The only positive thing going on is that my brother in law just got a job with pretty good pay. What’s your take on this mess?
Steamin’ In Cold Country
 
Dear Steamin’Freemen,
Your husband was “inconsiderate” to not discuss this with you. I have other adjectives to describe such knuckleheadedness that may not print in a newspaper. It shows either major disrespect for his wife, or simply the common sense of an armadillo on the highway. It’s possible that he really needed to temporarily save his brother, but there are better ways to have brought it about. Consulting with ones wife is a slam dunk. Additionally, showing the proper sympathy and concern to your frustrated daughter may help to settle her down a little. The key note here is that the brother has found a decent job. You may wish to be extra charitable in volunteering some effort in helping them find housing. Even if they start with a small apartment, they can later move into a house that they can afford. You and your husband need to agree on a time limit for them to move out, and stick with it. By having a reasonably short time limit (two weeks to a month), you can give your daughter hope for her immediate future. I agree with the premise we need to be extra helpful to family. However, there are different levels of family to be served. My wife and children always come first.

Hey John,
I am a sixteen year old boy, and I’ve got a question. What do you do when your mom chooses her p.o.s. boyfriend over her son? I had a little problem with the law a year ago, but I’m almost done with probation. I’m surviving in school, and will probably graduate in two years. “Stanton”, my mom’s boyfriend likes to push me around. I know that sometimes I’ve got a mouth on me, but nothing that would deserve getting shoved into the wall. And, it’s happened a lot. A few months ago, Stan “the man” slapped my mom around. When I stood up for her, I got held down and slugged a bunch. Mom called the women’s shelter, and they moved us in for three months. Just when I thought we were rid of him, my mom told me she was going back with him, but he said she had to come without me. So she’s shipping me to my older cousin’s house fifty miles away to live. Do you think that’s right? Did I make this happen by standing up to him? I know I’m not always the easiest kid to live with, but this seems wrong to me. What do you think?
Sixteen Without A Mom
 
Dear Sixteen,
I don’t know what your definition of “having a mouth on me” is, but most adults know a whole lot more about disciplining a teenager than shoving him around, much less punching him out. So, just for your own self-improvement, I would suggest learning how to angrily express yourself without going nasty-mouth nuclear on people. However, that isn’t the main issue. Creepo McToughguy is a fool. Assuming your description is accurate, he is an abusive bad guy, and your mom a somewhat pathetic victim. As a kid, the logical way to see this situation is your mom abandoned her son for her boyfriend. However, as an adult, the deeper way of viewing this is that your mom is sad, needy, makes really bad choices, and her boyfriend meets her need to be wanted. Understanding our parents’ failures is not the same as approving them, but it may help with adding an extra measure of pity for their tragic weaknesses. Despite the obvious abandonment, the fact is that you are hopefully in a healthier and safer place than you were before. I’d suggest you try to stay in contact with your mom a couple of times a week, and try to not bad mouth The Creep, as abused women make endless excuses for their screwed up spouses. Instead, by being a better son than she may deserve, you will be reminding her what love and loyalty are all about. And if you’re so inclined, drop some prayers in her direction. She’s going to need them.

Hey John,
I have two children, a boy and a girl. My son is seven, and my daughter a few years older. Last week she came in and told me the boys were behind the garage playing “family”. When I got back there, they both had their britches down, showing each other their “pee-pees”. I don’t know if there was any other physical stuff involved, but this is the second time I have caught my son with this boy with pants down. I got mad, sent the other boy home, and sent mine to his room. The first time it happened, I called the other boy’s mother (I was calm), and told her what had happened. She pretty much just blew it off, saying something like “boys will be boys”. This family is dysfunctional, with no consistent male figure in the family. Lots of males, but none that stick around, if you know what I mean. My son doesn’t have very many friends, so I hesitate to end this friendship. Am I being overly protective? Is this type of behavior just normal development for boys? What should I do?
Worried Mom
 
Dear Worried,
I do not have statistics at my fingertips, so I can’t quote you a national average of little boys who wag their wieners at each other, but, like you, I’ve got red flags flyin’. Are boys a little overly infatuated with their penises? Probably. But other boys wieners?  Not so much. Where “show and (don’t) tell” may be a harmless coming-of-age thing, in this world of increasing sexual inappropriateness, parents should practice extra caution. That being said, we don’t want to traumatize our kid by overreacting. A yelling, screaming fit would qualify as a serious overreaction. I would recommend a couple of things to consider:
*As this is a repeat offense, AND the other mother basically blew you off, I’d gently tell her son that your boy can’t play with him anymore. You don’t have to give him a reason, just that it’s not appropriate for them to play together any longer. You may have to kindly enforce this ban a couple of times if he shows up to play.
*Treat this as a great learning opportunity for your son. Catching your child being borderline sexually inappropriate is much better than not catching him. A calm, teaching explanation that our “private parts” are called private is that they are nobody else’s business is a good lesson to be taught. It is not proper to show them off to anyone else. *
 
*p.s. New Orleans Mardi Gras drunks: I’m talkin’ to you too.

Hey John,
I bet you have never had a problem like mine before. It’s my husband. In the last six months or so he is taking on the identity of a dog! Although he is still working, he is growing his hair longer and longer. He has completely stopped eating anything except meat. He will devour the fat on a steak with the same enthusiasm as the steak itself. To make matters worse, he now likes to snack on those boxed hard dog bone biscuits while he watches TV. He has become extremely hostile to cats, and I worry what will happen if he ever catches one. Finally, in the middle of the night, he has begun to whimper like a little puppy in his sleep. I am out of ideas of how to help him.
Grace
 
Dear Gracie,
You are clearly in a ruff spot. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. And your assumption is correct; I have not had a Disney-style Shaggy Dog client in my career. From the “for real” side of this issue, it’s possible that we have a malfunction of the brain. I would consult my physician and see if  a CT Scan would be appropriate. But for God’s sake, don’t call it a cat scan. If nothing is indicated, it’s time to consult with a good shrink. Ask around for recommendations, and do your own online research for a competent psychiatrist. This one is a little out of my expertise. That being said, if no one can assist you, you might consider keeping your hubby on a short leash, and occasionally rub his tummy.

Hey John,
My friends and I were discussing our various sleep issues the other day. Five out of six of us complained about “mind racing”. That is, when the lights go out, our brains light up. Whether it’s tasks left undone, plans for the next day, or just worrying about things, they say this night time mind racing interferes with their sleep. NIGHT TIME? They are describing 90% of my life! I have imaginary family fights, imaginary school issues with the kids, even worrying about a future health crisis with my husband when he’s healthy.
Ms. Rayma
 
Dear Ms. R,
Mom and Dad, in their consistent generosity had promised us their used Oldsmobile 98. The plan was to fly from Texas to Calif., then our family of five would drive back home. Disneyland was the slated highlight of our return trip. I had even sold two great tube amplifiers to fund the trip. Then Dad threw in the curveball: he wanted us to pack in another family member to go to Disneyland. In doing so, we would be crammed like sardines AND one of the kids would be without a seatbelt. I refused. Dad got mad and threatened to jerk the car away from us. I blew a major fuse and told him to forget the whole deal, that I was calling immediately for return airlines tickets and not to expect us back in the foreseeable future. He was equally as hostile. My Mom was crying, as was my wife, both pleading for peace. Tickets in hand we furiously stormed out the next day. Then, then, then… I realized I was in my car, in my driveway, with the vacation still two weeks off. What the hell just happened? I was sweating and my face red with the beginnings of a headache. I had imagined the whole nightmare scenario! Lightning fast, my bizarro brain had created the WORST. FIGHT. EVER. I was justifiably deeply concerned about my apparent mental state.
 
[Jumping ahead a few weeks, a fight never transpired; my great Mom and Dad gave us the car as planned, and Disneyland, though very expensive, was great fun for all of us. It turned out to be a fine vacation, and a great journey back home.]
 
Why then share the incredibly bizarre and stressful imagined experience that transpired in my driveway? It was a turning point for me as I realized two separate entities were running my life. There is the Body of John, and disturbingly, the Brain of John. My brain was working and concocting weird scenarios at will, without my permission. Ever sweat it out thinking about Thanksgiving with the family that might turn out terribly- and it didn’t? Ever anticipated a horrible day at work that instead was a totally normal day? You fretted about not preparing well enough for a test, perhaps imagined the scene where you sat at your desk in a cold sweat not knowing a single answer - but instead did well?
 
There is justification for advanced worrying if the concern helps you to better prepare for the upcoming event. If one worried about looking like an idiot for a presentation to a group of people, it might help him (her) to put in some extra effort in the preparation. However, thinking what would happen if you had a blowout on the way to your presentation would seem like The Brain working on its own. Anxiety can be caused by real events. However, it can also be caused by our random thoughts that have no real basis in reality. If my clients knew how many times I’ve had to stop myself from fights taking place in my head as I shower, they might reconsider coming in seeking my assistance. However, I have discovered that these self-perpetuated mental negativities are incredibly common. I also believe that women, who seem to think personal thoughts more than men, suffer from this problem of “thought wars” more than men. What then to do about this self-imposed state of anxiety?
 
# 1:     Take careful note of how often your thoughts run away with you.  Imagining future scenarios, re-living aggravations, etc. are all included in our brain doing what it wants. This beginning step is not good for our self esteem. Sorry.
#2:      Purposely make yourself think about other stuff.  The last “anticipated” family squab I was imagining in the shower was replaced by planning each piece of electronic equipment I was in the process of spraying with a contact cleaner. It's almost impossible to make ourselves stop thinking about something. It's more successful to put another thought in its place.
#3:      Understand our weakness and the power of our brain. My fun electronic chore was accidentally lost to the imagined argument in my head.  You have to patiently and repetitively guide your thoughts over and over and over.
#4:      This skill needs a million times of practice to get good.  You need to remember to own your brain for a month, six months, ten years.

We all have plenty to worry about.  It’s a huge waste of energy to fight imaginary battles. I know part of my fervor is personal, but after so many years I still maintain something of an authority problem; I don't like to be told what to do, especially by my brain, working apparently independently of me.  So I ask: who’s in charge here- me or my soft little brain? As a result, I have a significantly reduced number of imagined anxious times by consistently guiding my thoughts.