John S. Sommer Counseling
  • Home
  • Qualifications
  • Location
  • Photos & Essays
    • Photos
    • Essays >
      • The Entertainment Director
      • Fathers and Daughters
      • Reframing: The Art of Looking Deeper
      • The Incredible Absorbing Man
      • The Little Old Man Stuck in My Head
      • The Lobster Tale
  • Links
  • Contact Us
  • Blog
  • Sound Bites

A Fine Irishman

6/24/2016

1 Comment

 
     I know our actions don't represent anyone other than ourselves. Still, it's hard to remember that. For example, if someone has seen a counselor they didn't like, then their Mom wants them to come see me, I have extra work to do at the start to "prove" I'm different then who they saw before, because they think their previous counselor represents all counselors.  So, nine years ago when I met this gentleman I knew this man didn't represent the Irish nation, but he embedded such a memory with me, it's hard to remember it was him that did this, and not all of Ireland.
     It was our last day in wonderful Ireland, and we were in Dublin. Just like the old days here at home, Sundays are primarily a day of rest over there. Thus, few restaurants were open Sunday morning, and we were starving. We went into a packed restaurant, and when a waitress told us they had no more room, I went into tragic-begging mode. Out of kindness and pity, she found a tiny spot for us to sit. We were seated only a few feet away from a family of four: a mother, father and their two daughters. I guessed the girls were about thirteen and sixteen years old. We had a brief conversation with them, and when I told them we were from the States, specifically Texas, he told me his agent advised  him that he should visit the "cultural" part of Texas: Marfa. Marfa? So I gave him a few additional recommendations of places he could also visit. Basically everywhere else in Texas.
     Denise and I began eating our beloved breakfast, and I noticed almost everyone else had long since finished. That’s what they do: they visit. I had noted the sixteen year old daughter had basically never stopped talking with her parents. No earbuds. No scowl. Just talk. It was a pleasure to behold. I really wanted to say something to the parents, but I was a long way from home to be so uninhibited, so I didn’t. When they finally left after a two hour breakfast, we all said a quick farewell. A minute later the waitress came over with two flutes of champagne. It was a little early to enjoy champagne, and besides, I didn’t order it. When I told the waitress, she said, “oh, the gentleman at the door ordered it for ye”. So I jumped up before they could all get out the door to thank him for his kindness and generosity. So I told him what I had been thinking: “I was a little hesitant to tell you this because I thought I would appear a little too strange, but I am a counselor in Texas, and work with a lot of teenagers. To watch the interaction of your family, and particularly your older daughter who never tired of talking to you, speaks highly not only of your family, but you as a father.” And he tipped his derby slightly towards me and replied: “that, sir, is worth far more than a glass of champagne.” With that, he shook my hand and left.
     When I got back to the table, the waitress returned to ask us, “so how do ye know Mr. Banville?” I told her that we had just met him in the restaurant, and who was he? She seemed genuinely surprised and answered: “Mr. Banville? He’s the most celebrated author in all the UK. Why just recently  he received the highest honor in literature, the Booker Prize.” Yow! A Really Famous Person. And a fine gentleman and father. We left the restaurant and found an open bookstore. Not only did they have John Banville, but they had an entire section for him. He is a prolific and renowned author. It was a fine way to depart this beautiful country.
     So years later, even though I know our actions only represent ourselves, nevertheless, I think of Ireland as a whole bunch of John Banvilles, showing  kindness and class. It’s not logical or necessarily accurate, but I suspect it may be a universal truth: right or wrong, our actions represent a great number of people. I think I’m going to have to start working harder at showing kindness, generosity and a lot more class.

1 Comment

 

6/24/2016

0 Comments

 
0 Comments

Father's Day 2016

6/20/2016

0 Comments

 
Well, I wasn't going to make this a blog-thing a forum for my personal issues. That being said, I thought I'd share my notes on Father's Day. The whole Mother-thing is magnificent, and properly celebrated. But que paso? on fatherhood. Well, we males are not as adept at verbalizing our feelings as are our female counterparts, so it's kinda hard to explain. Lucky me that my kids are so cool, so it makes it a little easier to express my appreciation for the privilege of being a father.

You know, I don't have much to share about the fatherhood thing. The main reason is that it's intensely personal. The very very beginning, which was obviously quite personal, but in retrospect of these grown up magnificent children, a most appropriate start. Then kid time, and the surprise that I learned so much from them. Teen time, and that I was young enough to remember and somewhat relate to. Then now. Amazing children and siblings and parents themselves. Huh. All this without sharing much. I suppose that speaks for itself.
Thanks kids. Thanks Denise. ♫


0 Comments

Opinions vs. Absolute Truths

6/17/2016

0 Comments

 
When Denise gave birth to our firstborn, we were fortunate to have a remarkable young pediatrician. We met him at a lecture at San Jose State, and he shared with we young expectant parents some excellent advice. One gem he shared was the fact that many physicians give you confident, educated advice as to what to do. However, as he reminded us, the doctor is usually expressing his opinion rather than an absolute truth. Topics may include nursing vs. bottle feeding, when to introduce solids, how long to let your baby cry, etc. He continued that the doctor's advice is hopefully worth seriously listening to, but we should keep in mind there is a difference between unequivocal proof and a strongly worded opinion.
 
I remember that important piece of information so many years later in my own counseling work. I will often preface my statements with, “in my opinion”. Hopefully, it’s still worth considering, but it’s rarely an absolute statement of scientifically established fact.
 
I believe many noisy, often angry "debates" would be softened by the person, at the very least, reminding themselves that they are expressing their strongly felt opinion. Again, it is rarely a presentation of an unequivocal scientifically established fact. In this day and age of opposite beliefs: liberal and conservative, religious and anti-religion, gun control and no gun control, immigration, drug legalization, bathrooms, etc., we should remind ourselves we are merely representing our own opinions. They may be worthy of debate, but not the disgust and extreme anger that we have allowed ourselves to be consumed by. That is, in my opinion.


0 Comments

The Second Date Again

6/7/2016

1 Comment

 
So, the query might begin, "how, oh wiseguy.... I mean wiseman, can I enhance my marriage? We have no more problems than most, but things are somewhat monotonous and, well, as you might call it: zombie-like. Ideas counselorman?"
Should the question arise, I believe it worth addressing. First of all, our long marriages (long friendships as well) will become somewhat predictable. We should have realistic expectations that all days will not be like our beginning days of  falling in love. That being said, we must be cautious not to use that reality as an excuse for lack of creativity and work. There are things we did naturally, and with no effort in our beginning days that have been forgotten due to complacency. For example, she may get looking mighty snappy as she departs for work, but rarely gets extra snappy looking for her husband (and obviously, vice versa). He used to tuck in his shirt and comb his hair before he arrived home. In our dating days, we used to want to give a good impression to our date, but we get used to each other, and don't think about it.
So here's the idea: [sometimes] I'll drive home from work and start pretending I am heading over to this cute, curly-haired girl's house for my second date with her. She's invited me for supper, and has told me I can just park next to her in the garage. Cool. When I go in the back door, I can smell she's been cooking something up for me. Again: cool. After all, she's been working today, same as me, but she hurried home to make something for me. Yow! She's happy to see me, and I greet her with a kiss. This is almost too good to be true. If this really was our second date, how amazing would this be? How would I show my appreciation? Help her clean the kitchen afterwards? Sit around that evening and talk and talk and talk? Now we have to be grateful on purpose, and you know, why on earth would that be a big deal? It's not pretend, it's only a fun little game to do once in a while. And, as a bonus, you only need one player. And you can keep it to yourself. As a matter of fact, you probably should. As marriage enhancers go, this one's free. And fun.

1 Comment

The Zombie Life Isn’t For Me

6/2/2016

3 Comments

 
Three years ago I was ad libbing a response to a question when I finally figured it out.

We were at Mass in Corpus Christi three years ago, to celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary. At the end of Mass, the priest asked, "anyone here celebrating an anniversary?"  I thought he was just going to toss us out a nice blessing, so I raised my hand along with an older woman. He then asked, "so what's the secret of your long marriage"? Uh oh. I hadn't planned on being called on, but it was  too dang late. He asked the woman first. She responded, "perseverance". Everyone chuckled. Then he remembered I had put my hand up, so he asked me, "is your secret perseverance"?  I really wanted to say something like: "that's a pretty insulting remark- you know, 'I can hardly stand him, but I'm hanging on'. Sheesh". But instead I responded, "No. Perseverance has nothing to do with it. I remind myself, pretty much on a daily basis of the incredible gift God has given me, and I give continual thanks." I wish I had concluded with: "And that's a fact, Jack", but I didn't think of it until later. Anyway, when I made my statement, I could hear a bunch of "ahhhhhh"s. You know, like ahhhh, isn't that sweet? Hey, I thought we were supposed to be in love. I mean, when I married her I was crazy in love. She's even better now than 39 years ago. Does everyone think a permanent relationship is supposed to be endured? How about the idea we all get to invent our marriages? Invent how to impress our spouse after ten years, twenty years, forty-two years. Perhaps everyone's into zombie movies so much they've turned into a zombie themselves. Maybe I'll make that my mantra: de-zombify our marriages. It's our forty-second anniversary today, and I'm even more thankful than I was three years ago. The zombie life isn’t for me.

3 Comments

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral
    Hey John Advice
    Other Stuff
    Parenting
    Relationships
    Semi Personal

    Picture

    About the Author

    I did NOT like writing stuff in school. However, now that it's voluntary, I like it. I'm still working on that attitude of mine.....

    Subscribe to John's Blog by email:

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


    Facebook

    Categories

    All
    Behavioral
    Hey John Advice
    Other Stuff
    Parenting
    Relationships
    Semi Personal


    Archives

    December 2021
    September 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015


    All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.