Back in the day when my clientele was made up of a lot of various addictions, I got the reputation for not scaring people away too quickly. I viewed this as some kind of accidental "technique" of side-stepping people's defensiveness. I later figured out I was not pushing the normal buttons that get people all worked up and defensive. I have since semi-cleverly named this accidental process, "uncommon responses". However, upon further reflection, I figured out that I did this (again, rather innocently) with my own kids as well. When your child (of all ages) has grievously errored, a normal response might be to go thermal nuclear on them. Then, subconsciously, they know the subsequent punishment was because their parent was so angry. Lost in their minds is the fact that they were the ones that caused this to happen in the first place. To learn from one's mistakes means you have to acknowledge it was your mistake in the first place. Staying calm and rational is certainly an uncommon response to goonball behavior, our kids or my clients. When my teenage client told me he angrily stomped his laptop to death, I responded: "Wow! I bet it looked like a bomb went off! Could you wire the hard drive to another monitor so you don't lose all your school work you had done?" It was then that he acknowledged he had mightily screwed up and asked if there was some way he could get angry without doing things he'd beat himself up for many weeks later. Proper accountability: it's not just for the enlightened anymore.....
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Having so many years of counseling experience (39 years?!), I suppose that qualifies me as a kinda expert (if such expertise truly exists). I love comments from other counselors when they say: "I don't know how your can work with teenagers!" I secretly think: I don't know how you don't".
Plenty of parents would like to drop off their kids at the counselor's office, not unlike the dry cleaners, and come back to pick up their clean and lightly starched kid. Amazingly, some times that works. However, logically, it seems like parents should realize in order to get their kids to change, they need to make some adjustments as well. Unless I'm in a crisis situation, I normally insist on seeing the parent(s) first. Then, if I get my way, I'll see the parent once every four or five visits from their child. I also need current info. I encourage parents to call or email me information about how their kid is doing (good and bad). I do not let parents ream out their kid in my office, as it messes up my credibility as a neutral "friend". I will certainly take a stand on issues, but privately with the kid. None of this addresses the "how to counsel kids" technique, but who wants to read a blog that's too dang long? Coming up, hopefully sooner than not, I will address a couple of ideas, including my I-ought-to-copywrite-it idea of uncommon responses. Stay tuned.... I sure wish I was a fast learner, but sadly, plenty of important lessons are processed long after the event has passed.
My wife’s terrific parents were in from Austin for a weekend visit. Late Saturday night there was a strong knock on the door. 11:30 at night? Uh oh. To my surprise it was my Korean lady neighbor, a single parent, “Sam”. She was in a panic. “John Sommer, please help me! The neighbor boys are trying to get my 13 year old son to leave with them. I want them to leave, and they are ignoring me. Please help.” I knew these little knuckleheads. They were likely the ones who, a few months back, had written “rape” on Sam’s back door. They weren’t gang bangers, but a group of three bullies. So, mad as a rabid dog, I tucked my “doggie knocker” (bicycling protection stick) into the back of my belt and started to head out the door. Before I got out the door, my kindly professor-ish father in law told me he wanted to come with me. As I was intending to perform a major intimidation to these teenage bullies, I really didn’t want a kindly gentleman to nurture these boys. Regardless, I couldn’t tell Claude he couldn’t come with me. So, we charged across the street and stomped into Sam’s kitchen where the three little tough guys were hovered over Sam’s son, still insisting he leave with them. I immediately had the upper hand as I angrily burst into the room confronting them, scaring the hell out of them. I threateningly ordered them out of the house with the dire warning to them that Sam had better never have to come get me again. Tails between their legs, they slinked out the back door where Claude was stationed. As they crept out the back door, Claude advised them individually, “Be kind”. Be Kind?! Oh man. I had a vision of the Terminator (me) generously allowing three kids to depart after deciding to not dismember them. As they leave, Mother Theresa (Claude) gives them a blessing. I was displeased that Claude’s “kind” advice was watering down my imminent threat. “Be kind”. *sigh* I never told anyone, but I was unenthusiastic about the interference. It was many months later that I realized the depth of Claude’s advice. What he was telling the boys was exactly correct: be kind. If that principle was applied in this bully-boy example, they, in being kind, would immediately leave at Sam’s request. In being kind they would not have written “rape” on her door. I have since taken Claude’s simple advice into the realm of my counseling. It applies to a majority of circumstances. Recently I began working with a very troubled married couple. In their many angry moments, they were being extremely verbally critical of each other. Can they resolve their numerous issues? We shall see. Still, even in angry moments, what if they applied the principle: be kind. Being kind in our anger means we temper what we say, we are not cruel, and are not inappropriate. An endless barrage of criticism is not kind. A teenage senior was in trouble for vandalizing someone’s car. His rationalization was that the other kid “was a smart ass”. We applied the principle here. What would you do if you were being kind? We used this principle in his treatment. With his consent, we agreed on his rather simple treatment plan: be kind. He went out of his way at talking to lonely-looking kids, offered rides to some students in need, sat in the cafeteria with the nerdy kids, etc. As he graduated, he said he was liberated from his misplaced anger. It seems that the advice offered by my father in law is almost too simple, but nothing could be further than the truth. At times, being kind is tremendously difficult. Nevertheless, should we not hold ourselves to a high standard of conduct regardless of anyone else? Perhaps we can be a positive model for others by our proper behavior of being kind. |
About the AuthorI did NOT like writing stuff in school. However, now that it's voluntary, I like it. I'm still working on that attitude of mine..... Subscribe to John's Blog by email:Categories
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All persons and situations reflected in these writings are pretty much fictional, based on generalizations over the course of many years of counseling. Any actual events or settings have been changed, including names and other details, to protect client confidentiality.
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