Dear Abby, We don't live together, but we're together three or four times a week. He is into porn, and when I am not there, I know he looks at it because I have found pictures of it on his phone. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. When I tell him that, he says there's no emotional attachment to porn for him. He says it is all visual and there is nothing to be jealous of. I myself am not into it. It grosses me out to even look at it. Is he telling me the truth? -- GROSSED OUT IN JERSEY
“DEAR GROSSED OUT: If your boyfriend does not require looking at his cellphone in order to have sex with you, then he is telling you the truth. Men are turned on by the visual. Women are more turned on by the written word. The expert who pointed that out to me was Larry Flynt. [Hustler magazine]. After I printed it, I was criticized by some readers for using him as a resource. Three months later, the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ appeared and became a worldwide phenomenon. So Larry was right -- in SPADES.” [Emphasis, hers]
Dear Crappy Jr.,
My editor has cautioned me about writing too long of an answer. As a result, I must do a part one and a part two. Part two (next week, presumably) will contain a handful of real life situations with porn and couples. Stuff that taught me a lot. It’s a little eye-opening.
PART ONE: The Reply
The girlfriend is sickened by his porn he watches. You make no mention of our loving duty to take care of each other. This is not a "rights" issue, it's a relationship issue. You instantly take sides against who you might consider “a prude”? That’s pretty prejudicial. How about helping the couple? Additionally, although the visual/male and written/female responses may be correct, so what? That means they should be okay with watching porn? That’s a pretty bizarre assumption, especially since someone wrote you asking for help with their relationship.
Because Fifty Shades sold a lot of copies that means that porn is what, good for you? You know the Godfather was an enormous seller, and that means what, it’s good for us to be mafia? That you should name your first boy after the Godfather’s hit man Luca Brasi? What are you trying to say? Additionally, as a frame of reference, how many couples have you worked with that discussed with you their involvement with porn, good or bad?
Finally, you don’t have to love or hate (or even remember) Larry Flynt. He published Hustler, which was far more explicit than the other “girlie” magazines. You’re asking a guy who made his living selling the most explicit sex pics and stories of their time if he thinks watching explicit sex is okay? Really? Gimmi a break.
Crappie, you’re easily old enough to remember the old adage, “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut”.
Do you need professional liability insurance as an advice-giving columnist? Do your syndicated newspapers? If I gave “advice” like this, my premiums might go sky high (or worse). By telling a concerned woman she shouldn’t worry about her boyfriend’s love of porn is doing harm to her and her relationship with him. This is far more serious than incorrect advice.
I repeat, you are doing harm.
Some Real Case Studies Of Twenty-First Century Porn And Some Of The People Involved