After having been babied by our fine friends following a recent eye surgery, I was reminded of a powerful healing aid I had somewhat forgotten about. Debbie began by making a super delicious supper followed with her semi-famous chocolate sheet cake. Jody watched over me like a protective mother, dimming lights he thought would bother me, and making sure my beer was cold. As I slunk to bed at a frightfully early 9:30, I heard him remind the two best friends, Debbie and Denise to “keep it down”. I slept uncommonly well, despite the weird little cup over my eye. I am positive the extra care and affection I was graced with sped my healing significantly.
 
The next day I was thinking about my first dramatic lesson in unexpected healing. Twenty five years ago my father, at the tender age of seventy-two, died of pancreatic cancer. One of his employees was a somewhat uninspired property manager for Dad. I didn’t dislike him, but I didn’t care for him much. A jokester and a little lazy, I didn’t spend much time with him. I hadn’t seen him in two or three years prior to Dad’s death.
 
When Dad died, my Mom asked me to give a brief talk at Dad’s wake. I was a little nervous, as I can occasionally be a bit of a crybaby; it would have been humiliating to break up in front of a large group of people. Nevertheless, with too little preparation and a deep prayer for calm, I persevered. The talk was enthusiastically received, but I was spent. Everyone wanted to talk to me afterwards, but I wanted some time to myself. As the mortuary was huge, I decided to disappear down the maze of hallways, deep inside the building. I put my back against the wall and slid down to sit in the hallway. To my disappointment, I heard someone coming down the hall. Dad’s employee appeared and wanted to talk, but I wasn’t in the mood, so I said I was sorry to be abrupt, but he needed to go. He said he has something he needed to tell me about my Dad, and would be brief. I reluctantly agreed.
 
He said, “As you know, your Dad subdivided some land into lots and sold them for people to build their own houses on. He called me on a Thursday night and told me he was coming into town Friday at nine a.m. and to be ready. When he arrived I got into his car and he asked me where the Browns had built their house. I guided him a couple of blocks and showed him. He pulled up to the curb and told me I could stay in the car or go with him, it was going to be brief. Of course I went; I wanted to see what he was doing. He rang the bell and a little old lady answered. Your Dad re-introduced himself and asked if he could talk with her and Mr. Brown. She served us a cup of coffee while she got her husband. When he came in he was pleased to see your Dad. He told him they had always been grateful at the nice lot and good price he had given them. Your Dad stood up and said, ‘I went down to the title company yesterday and discovered that they had not given you the discount you were supposed to get for paying cash, so I brought you this.’ He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a check for $7,500.
“They assured your Dad they were fine with the deal as it was, but he insisted, ‘This is not my money, it is yours. I’m just sorry you didn’t get it as you should have.’
“Mrs. Brown was crying, saying as they were on a fixed income, the money was a godsend for them. Mr. Brown was close to tears and shook your father’s hand so long, your Dad had to gently take his arm and pull his hand loose. Your Dad didn’t say anything on the way back to my house. When I got out, he told me he’d be back on Monday, and we had some work to do. Then he drove off.
I just thought you needed to know that.”
With that, he said, “I loved your Father too” and left.  I never saw him again.
 
In light of the sadness and difficulties that followed my Dad’s death, I am positive that the extreme kindness shown to me that evening helped speed up my healing. I have since incorporated this in my own therapeutic assistance I offer people in my profession. If I didn’t have the opportunity to know the person who has died, I ask to be treated to stories about them. I would like to get to know them, even at a distance. I benefit by understanding a person’s depth of their loss, and help them in sharing significant memories.
 
So, to people who have helped heal me with your extreme kindness, I thank you with all my heart. You have taught me much.
 
 
John S. Sommer
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
2/2020

The origin of the therapy began at a residential treatment center for abused kids. I was frustrated that my group of young teens went from enthusiastically diving into a project, then, in a matter of days it was mutiny on the bounty. What might have been a two week project disintegrated into a three day workout; then my group went on strike. Fortunately, my supervisor introduced me to a new way of thinking. Rather than looking at the dismal work left undone, we set up tiny work goals. We put little red flags on two stakes. We then put them at the beginning of the day’s project, then the other at where we intended to stop for that day. We would then celebrate our day’s accomplishment rather than be discouraged at what was left. It worked very well.
Years later this theory of minor accomplishments made its way into the realm of therapeutic self improvement. In one of the classes I do, we (including me) declare an easy project we commit ourselves to. The object of the project is to convince ourselves that we can do what we say. Most of us have the best of intentions, but often crap out of its completion. Exercise, lose weight, quit smoking, watch less TV are only a handful of good intentions. Then we end up feeling like a loser. Go to garage sales and what do you always see? Exercise equipment. Oops, crapped out again. So this home therapy is meant as a confidence builder, not a grand achievement award. So pay attention to the simple rules and try it out once in a while.
 
DON’T DO:
■ Important projects like quitting smoking or losing weight or painting your house. Do not over obligate yourself.
■ Endless time doing the project. It must have a start date and a finish date. Typically three to  
eight weeks.
■ Plan stuff you don’t know how to do. This exercise is only about keeping your word.
 
DO:
■ Plan realistically. Predict obstacles and have a backup plan. If you were going to walk in the park three times a week for 15 minutes, what if you have a week of rain? Most malls have a walking area for indoor exercise. Plan for possible obstacles.
■ Set your start date and finish date. This can range from three weeks to about eight weeks. Even if you love what you are doing, you must stop according to plan. You can re-up your plan in a few days, but keep in mind the object: to do what we said we were going to do.
■ Write down what the little project is as well as the starting and stopping date. Don’t forget to really stop like you said you would. Let’s have some completion here. Check up on yourself with frequency.
■ Plan on your lack of completing your project as a bad, doubledog badluck jinx. Once, my project included reading only three times a week (minimum five minutes). On the second time of getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I remembered it was Sunday night and I was one reading short. I crept back into my room, got my book and read for ten minutes in the bathroom. No jinx for me.
 
Here are a few examples, most from my classes (eight week class):
 
*Go over to my Mom’s house once a week and help with a few chores. *My brother and I have hardly talked in the past ten years. If it’s ok with him, I’ll call once a week. *Read for at least ten minutes, three times a week. *Bike down to the high school track in the morning three times a week. I might walk some laps as a bonus, but it’s not part of the game. *Me and my twelve year old son will read back and forth to each other four times a week. No time stated. *Work at least twice a week at completely emptying out the crazy garage. *Lift weights three mornings a week. No amount of time stated for how long. *Take over cooking supper for the family once a week. This includes cleaning up. *Go to the post office and buy eight self stamped post cards. I’ll send my son one a week for eight weeks. *Prepare my garden for spring planting.
 
It is important to remember the purpose of this therapeutic “game”: to add to our personal credibility (and to a certain degree, self esteem). Let’s stop with the good intentions b.s. and add reliability to ourselves. Keep it simple and do-able.
Finally, don’t forget to roll around in your completion like a pig in mud.
Be pleased with your success.

John S. Sommer
Licensed Clinical Social Worker    2020

 

Merry Christmas kind readers of my blog. The attention of more than 150 people reading my (hopefully) well meaning contributions has contributed to a joyful year for me. That, and my gifts from God make my life so good. I wish y'all a joyful Christmas and a record setting year of 2020. Pax nobiscum.

It's almost Thankgiving, and you know what that means: applying a new definition to the holiday. I'll happily take the bird, I just want something that lasts the whole day....

She came in ready to unload. It was appropriate considering she had a number of issues that were of concern. However, it was a difficult session as she never stopped to inhale for an hour. Finally I had to politely interrupt her to slow the flow of complaints. Without minimizing of any of her concerns, I told her I was needing to provide her at least an observation. Maybe even an idea or two. So when I stopped her and told her I was OK to just be her sounding board, but if she was seeking some possible solutions, I had something to suggest. She agreed. So I asked her if she wanted to engage in a therapy experiment. I ventured: “for one day, 24 hours, I would like for you to reflect on how often you get negative and complain. Then, even in mid-sentence, stop and re-direct your comments. In other words, no complaining whatsoever for 24 hours. The point is to see how much of your life has become negative. You don’t have to start liking negative stuff, just no complaining for a day”. She cautiously agreed.
 
Two weeks later she came in and said, “Are you trying to make me crazy or something? You’re making me nuts. Because I messed up so much on the first day, I decided to do it the next. It’s killin’ me. Now I notice all the time when I’m constantly complaining”. Although this was not the completely expected outcome, we both found it interesting how we have to purposely make ourselves be positive. And that negative has become so easy. What the heck has happened to us?!
 
So here’s how I personalized this piece of advice for myself: on Thanksgiving I’m going to make it a personal day to concentrate on thanks giving. The pilgrims were probably brave folks, even with their weird hats. The Indians seemingly welcomed them, and of course got fleeced in the long run. But enough history…. I want a fun holiday. So on Thanksgiving I try to temporarily shut down my whining, and wallow in my gratitude. I’ll have to remind myself 500 times throughout the day, “what cool things am I grateful for?” Then really think about them for a while. Let me give you a couple of personal examples:
*My first public speaking gig was as a college senior. I was to give a five minute presentation about, of all things, juvenile delinquency; a topic which I had some personal experience in. In front of only eight other classmates, I crapped out. I couldn’t keep my voice from quivering. I couldn’t remember what to say, so I gave a lousy minute and a half presentation and got a D. Today I had a group of twenty, and it was like talking to a friend in my living room. Somehow I have developed into a public presenter, and I am amazed and very grateful.
*I was lost in the excitement and beauty of music by the age of 14. Although almost everyone my age has a big surround sound stereo, it’s only used for TV viewing. Any music, if any at all, has been relegated as background fill. As an older guy I still derive such pleasure from music, it is a constant joy. To this I am incredibly grateful.
*I only excelled at bowling and ping pong when I was younger. Well, music recognition too. Somehow, along the way I developed into a real counselor with decent credibility. How did this ever happen? It’s amazing.
 
Get it? It’s not an exercise of monotone recital of things-I-am-grateful-for, but rather a deep look into what cool stuff we hardly even pay attention to. Dig deep, give it lots of thought. After all, you have the entire Thanksgiving day to give thanks. It’s kinda disturbing it takes so much effort, but I’m ready to really celebrate Thanksgiving. So I’m going to chase away Mr. Whine and instead be Mr. Gratitude for a full day and start loving Thanksgiving again.
I’ll top it off with the big tasty bird. And the candied yams. And dressing. And cranber……

I began my private practice 32 years ago primarily as a drug and alcohol counselor, having directed the program for our local mental health center for the four years prior. Methamphetamine was just "coming of age" in popularity and production, but the lost and sometimes raging alcoholics have always been with us. Now, here we are, THIRTY-SIX years later, and due to the relatively small size of our town I have been privy to the inter-generational transmission of shitty lives. Not to say that all the kids of strung out users get lost themselves, but a bunch of them do. 

In the last 20 years or so, the focus of my work has shifted to working with kids , teens and their families. Now, incredibly, I have worked with the grandchildren of people I began my career with so many years ago. Someone I met many years ago was a Southwest kingpin of meth. His son was a lively, spirited 14 year old. He was recently sentenced, as a repeat offender, to twenty years in prison. Soon his kids will be coming in for counseling.

I wrote the upcoming essay pretending that users might read it, kick their paternal or maternal instincts  into overdrive and help to wake them up to the likelihood of damning their children and spouses because of their own stupid need for self-gratification. It was published in the paper, but the many enthusiastic responses were from (presumably) non-users. So here's my offer: you may send the upcoming essay to whomever you wish without further permission. I would prefer to have my name associated with the essay, as it's pretty dang personal. You can slide it under the front door of a lost friend, or hand it to your sibling. It's not easy to read, so I'm sorry if it's kind of a buzzkill for you. But I'll tell you this: it's the real deal. 
​http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/badness-the-next-generation

​Hey John,
I am a sophomore in high school. Recently in biology we have been learning about DNA. I know you’re just a counselor, not a scientist, but if fruit flies have to be a certain way because of that DNA stuff, what about us humans? My Dad’s no good, and my Mom tries hard with all of us, but I still don’t want to grow up and be exactly like her. You said you have been a counselor for a long time. Do you think the children have to grow up to be like the parents?
​
Scared of  my biology.
 
Dear Scared L’il Fruit Fly,
 
The short answer is no. The long answer is: you have to want to be like someone. Or something. Kids from hugely overweight parents may have a genetic pre-disposition for weight gain, but it’s not a freakin’ voodoo curse or something. But, many times means you have something of a handicap that you must work defeat for a long time.One of my early lessons came from a kid who I knew well and had high regard for. This boy’s Mom was a highly strung, prescription eatin’ woman. She seemed predisposed to being extremely tightly wound and having extremely poor problem resolution skills. “Danny” was fifteen when I first met him. He was my very first "cutter", although he kept it a secret from me for six or seven months. When I saw the cuts I told him, “You know, as your mom's ripoff insurance isn't paying for me, so my charge is you teaching me about cutting”. He very reluctantly walked me through the last incident and I realized it wasn't “making a statement” about his lousy life, IT WAS A TRANQUILIZER! As he cut, he became calmer and calmer. We worked diligently together, and he finally discovered new methods of calming down. When I talked to him a few years ago (he's in his thirties now), he called to rage about a terrible incident(s) that happened to someone dear to him. I called him back the next day to ask if he had been drinking last night, and he said yes. I reminded him that his massively dysfunctional father, of who he broke off contact with years ago, was a very heavy drinker. When I asked him if drinking was the new cutting, he began to cry. Now, years later, he has two issues to work on: learning new strategies of calming yourself down properly AND consciously working at defeating the call of your genetics. The call of genetics seems to be somewhat inconsistent. Sometimes it's fantastically powerful, and sometimes it's hardly visible. The counselor-type question that you pose is this: are we destined to follow our genetic code, or do we have a choice? Everyone will say we have a choice, but is that true? How do we defeat genes that point us toward a sad life like those that came before us?
 
First and foremost, we need to evaluate our lives and decide upon a philosophy of life. Are we OK just living from day to day, with nothing ever really changing or improving in our lives, or do we set out to challenge ourselves in order to get better at almost everything? Even with set backs, can we continue to move forward to improve our lives? My great friend Jack was pretty uncoordinated in sixth grade. While many of us would put on our baseball gloves and easily toss the ball around, Jack was a lousy catch. Everyone at that age who was poor at something would find something else to do. Jack was the single exception. Day after day, even being the last one chosen for various teams, he would join us in our daily ball games. Despite his lack of sports popularity, he persevered. I had completely forgotten those days until, a few years ago when, during a visit from my now distant friend, I watched him in our backyard tossing the ball around with my 30 year old son. I was shocked by the old lost memory of his “stubbornness”, and subsequent success.
A 16 year old angrily proclaimed, “my Dad’s a terrible father. He screams at all of us kids, and punches my mother”. When I asked him what he was on juvenile probation for, he said it was for beating down a kid at school who had pissed him off. I looked at him, raised an eyebrow with an expression of, “awww, isn’t that cute? Like father like son”. He hadn’t even considered the connection before. I saw him working downtown about four years later, and he pulled me aside to tell me he and his wife were expecting their first child. He continued, “I’ve still got a temper, but I’m working on it all the time. No way my kid is gonna see the same crap I did. Man, this is the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life”. As I was shaking paws goodbye, I congratulated him while reminding him that the work is never over. This also translates into our successes are also never over.
 
Nowadays when I work with my multitude of teens with drug-infested parents, I inform them of our potential genetic danger. Although it’s not guaranteed, we’d be stupid to not be aware of it. Little stoner teens proclaim they’ll never use “dope” (the new term for meth). They are more than surprised when I inform them that not all teens enjoy getting drunk or stoned. That could mean they have an  increased sensitivity to altered states. They might get more pleasure from the drug high than other kids due to their weird genetics. If so, and drug tastes “mature” over time, meth may be in the future mix. Certainly too much alcohol is predictable.
So step two seems obvious: never let your guard down. Just because you’re OK at 22 doesn’t mean the genetic monster doesn’t awaken in times of crisis at 31. If you need guidance, seek out a therapist that carries credibility with you. Know what you are going to do instead of letting your genetics decide for you. Cop an attitude about being forced to do something against your will. Genetics is not your master. Dream of greatness: as a parent, as a spouse, as a permanent friend, as a hard worker. Always work towards not merely defeating crappy genetics, but in becoming a significant human being.
In conclusion, the long answer is also no.

We were walking down the hall of the house, headed to my room to privately plan a present for my wife, Denise. I needed adult daughter Monique’s input and assistance in getting the present. As we turned into my room, Monique put her hand on her chest and proclaimed: “I can’t believe how nervous I am!” I was surprised she said that, and asked her why on earth would planning her mother’s present would make her jittery? She laughed and said, “Daddy, every time I got in trouble with you, we would walk down the hall, sit on the bed and talk about what mistake I had just made.” Ha! Twenty-five years later teenage PTSD would rear its funny little head.
 
Changing the Environment and Increasing The Impact of What You Are
Instructing Your Kid
 
I saw it just the other day: a dutiful dad was taking his two children out to a family affair. He did what most parents don’t do: explain behavioral expectations ahead of time. I was pretty impressed. The kids were messing with their best friend (a tablet with a video game continuously playing) when he announced, “Kids….. kids….. Kids! Listen to me!” They paused their game and peered over their electronic best buddy and appeared to temporarily pay attention. He gave them good, short expectations of behavior and concluded. Fortunately, both these kids are spirited but well behaved. Things turned out fine. HOWEVER, there is a thing to do that increases the likelihood that children will follow instructions. Read the essay before this one about explaining your expectations. Secondly, and almost as importantly: change the environment for your quick little meeting.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic, just go somewhere else to talk to your kid. When you briefly explain your expectations prior to the event AND move around a little, you often will command a kid’s attention. It’s very simple and surprisingly effective. Here are a couple of examples:
 
● Drive to the store with your kids. Wait until y’all are out of the car and almost in the store and announce you need to tell them something quickly. See the essay before this one for “The Meeting” ideas. [ http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/shopping-with-children-the-curse-of-the-cereal-aisle ]
 
● You need to discuss the amazingly low grade on your child’s math test. Calmly say something like: “Let’s talk about it for a minute”. Then sit down in the empty kitchen and chat.
 
● Your kid screwed up on curfew by an hour. You greet her, tell her you were worried about her, and when she begins her reasons/excuses, gently tell her it would be better to discuss it tomorrow morning. After breakfast, you move into the living room for the discussion.
 
Who wants to repeat themselves a bunch of times to be listened to? Who wants to repeat themselves a bunch of times to be listened to? Not me, boss.
Is what you have to say important? If so, deliver it in kid-smart fashion.

Years ago I was recovering from a mighty mediocre presentation I had given a few weeks before when a friend called me up and asked if I could do a short presentation for her women’s group. I was a little ill at ease because (1) I had recently given a kinda crappy presentation (i.e. poorly prepared) and (2) I knew every woman in this group. However, with her mildly desperate pleading, I agreed. As I knew all the ladies in this group, I also knew that they were relatively young, and highly capable mothers. So I did a presentation on How To Keep From Losing Your Mind In The Dreaded Cereal Section With Your Young Children. It was enthusiastically received. THIRTY years later (!), the same friend announced to a group at a party that I had saved her sanity so many years before by a piece of advice that helped her stay calmer and more in control with her kids! So, years later I share it with y’all…..
 
I learned this while working at an extremely rural residential treatment center for abused and neglected kids. My group averaged in age and/or maturity about thirteen years old. Nine boys. They were poorly raised, at best. Most were pretty untrained humans. If I cut loose my little animal farm in, let’s say in a Safeway, there would be many errors made. Many. So I learned, in the raw jungle of survival, how to increase the odds of proper behavior.
 
Any activity we embarked upon, we would have a brief meeting about my expectations. Not just what they couldn’t do, but what they could as well. Later, I refined my “expectation meeting” to my children. It really worked well. Actually, it became essential. I shall enumerate:

• Get out of the car and have a quick meeting. Keep it short and reasonable for the age.

For example, one might say: “Kids, here’s the deal. You do not have to stay beside me [it was a small store]. However, as you know, there is no running down the aisles because you might run into someone. If you run, you will stay right beside me. Also, it is Sarah’s turn to pick out the cereal. It’s ok to make a request to her, but no fussing regardless of what she chooses. And remember, no grief at the checkout when you look at all the candy they put there to drive kids (and parents) crazy. You can look over all of it and think about which candy you would choose when we get it next time, as long as y’all do well in the store.”

• STOP. No more rules. Keep it simple.

 

• In quickly dissecting the example you can see that: *if you have a short, little dramatic meeting, *anticipate what the kids may do, and *minimize the rules and remind them what they can’t and can do, you have set the rules of the game before it is played. You have now seriously reduced the numbers of unacceptable behaviors.

 

• Also know that you will occasionally have to prove you meant what you said. A spazz attack in the cereal aisle might result in no kid-choice cereal that shop. Occasionally, we have to suffer a little to teach the (hopefully rare) accountability. You likely will not have to do this often.

 
This strategy is very successful not only because you are instructing the kids what they can and can’t do (set the rules of the game before the game is played), but equally important, you are predicting what they may do. This almost always results in calmer, more logical parenting.

HeyJohn,
I am a 39 year old woman with problems. I have two children, a boy 13 and my daughter 16. Even though I am still married to their father, he has spent the last three years in jail. Before he got locked up, he kept a job most of the time. Even with two people working, we could never get ahead. We both liked to party once in a while, but then he started to party with his “homies” as he liked to call them, and leave me at home. He used up all the money he was making (and mine)  for meth. Now I am extremely broke, and I recently caught my 16 year old daughter with weed. She is starting to get extra disrespectful to me, and her brother is learning from her. To make matters worse, my husband is writing me every week telling me he wants to get back together with me when he gets out in two years, and I’m thinking about it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any insurance, so I can’t go to a counselor. Writing you is the best I can do. Help.
Going Bonkers
 
Dear Bonk,
Let’s get right into problem solving, shall we?
First, you need to know for certain: if we don’t do anything different, nothing changes. Thus, if you are too beaten down to do anything different, you are looking at your permanently miserable future. A majority of families I work with have one person who is a stronger or more consistent disciplinarian than the other. That means that the other person may be the, uh, you know: the weaker one. If that’s you, first thing on the agenda is to learn and practice better parenting skills. Even without moola, plenty of communities offer free parenting classes. The trick is doing stuff we are uncomfortable with. And practicing. This forum does not lend itself to enumerating the skills to be a better parent, but, at the risk of self promotion, I have a few essays for you to consider.
 
http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/why-punish-our-kids
http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/issues-with-your-kids-use-some-martial-arts-on-em
http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/which-male-should-i-choose
 
Secondly, when Tweaky-boy gets out of the slammer, I suggest you consider telling him he needs to have a job, his own place and two years of being straight in order for y’all to resume your relationship. In doing this you increase his motivation to stay clean and you get to provide a superior female role model for your children to want to grow up to be like. Or do nothing and seriously increase the odds both of your children will grow up to have as miserable of an existence as you have. Work hard Mom, I have seen miraculous changes take place.

My sister and I are in a disagreement about how we discipline our kids. I am not cruel to my kids, but I am strict. My wife is a little easier with the kids then I am, but she’s not a wimp. My sister used to like to do those silly “time outs” for a couple of minutes. Now that her kids are older, she might send them to their room, kill a weekend privilege, or sometimes just talk to them. We are not spankers, but if our kids screw up, they’ll know they’ve been punished. You seem to write a lot on your web site about parenting, so I thought I would get your opinion.

 
Actually, I have a lot to say about parenting and discipline.  As I began my career working at a residential treatment center for abused and neglected children, I will skip the torture thing and go right into the more typical punishments. This is fresh on my mind as I recently had a teenage boy who got caught stealing a big ‘ol iPhone 7. In addition to his school punishment, his parents added their own to the mix. Upon his return from school, he must sit at the kitchen table and, well, sit. After supper he continues to sit. Another problem is: there is no limit to this punishment. He is on his second month. When I asked him what he must do in order to get off, he had no idea.
 
On the other end of the scale, a kid’s mother knew he was a bike thief from hell. The bicycle shop owner, a grizzled ex-biker, took the kid’s bike from him and told him to have his mother come down to the shop to talk to him about the bike. She came down the next day with a loaded .357, cocked it, pointed at his eye and took her son’s stolen bike back.
 
Another teen got into a fight and knocked the dog out of the other kid, necessitating an ER visit at the local hospital. Along with legal consequences and restitution, his permanently pissed off father “grounded” him. This grounding included taking his son’s bedroom door off its hinges, forbidding him to work on getting his driver’s license, and virtually not speaking to him….. FOR TWO YEARS!
 
So, what is the reason for punishing our kids? Most parents would agree it is to teach them they better not do that stupid shit again. So how much of our disgust, anger, embarrassment and disappointment do we factor into our punishments? If we are doing it right, the answer is: not much. We have to use our brains, not our anger to teach our kids.
 
In my many years as a counselor and as a parent, and there are very few idiot behaviors from kids that I have not seen. Thus I suggest that parents consider the following:

1. Keep punishments short term. This usually means days or a week (or two if you must). There’s always room to add on if junior is still acting the fool.

2. Give the kid a workable way to get off of grounding. Also: see above.

3. Try to tie the punishments to the offense. In the first example of sticky fingered cell phone boy, you could find out what a used phone would cost (about $350), and have him do that much extra labor around the house and yard. At minimum wage, that’s a bunch of work. Keep track of the hours. Make a time sheet. You don’t have to pay him, but show him how hard it is to buy what he ripped off.
 
4. DO NOT punish your kid out of anger. I mean, maybe it’s great therapy for the angry parent to enjoy continuously punish their kid, but it’s massively inappropriate to enjoy hammerin’ your kid because you’re still pissed off.

5. Don’t be too “proud” to ask for an opinion from someone who may have some extra ideas. I’m a little sadly lame at building stuff, so I asked my friend for his ideas for a sturdy gate for my office. With his good ideas (and help), I’ve got it up. Getting ideas doesn’t mean obeying; it just means getting extra ideas.
 
Being a good disciplinarian doesn’t just mean being tough, it means teaching your kid right from wrong. Do it like a good mother or father.

Here it is: The Fourth of July. I know I take the risk of alienating a few patriotic friends in saying this, but I’ve never been exactly “proud” to be an American. I know how blessed my life is living here, but being proud is associated with some kind of fine accomplishment, and I did nothing to be an American other than having the great fortune to have been born here. But then I met the Russian cab driver.
 
Denise and I were celebrating our 45th Wedding Anniversary by going to Manhattan for the first time as a married couple. The amazing adventure is another story in itself. With all the “cab” rides we took, we engaged most of our drivers in conversation. Every one of them came from foreign countries. One fella, Ivan was really interesting; married with two pre-teen daughters and a wife who worked for a dermatologist. Now, this story is only properly significant if you can mentally put a strong Russian accent on him.
I asked him where in Russia he was from and he said [remember the cool accent please], “The mountains of Russia. Do you know where Ural Mountains are?” When we told him we did, he was very pleased. “My mother and father still live there. I want my mother to come visit me but she is frightened of airplanes. My father was here last year. We had a nice time. When I spoke to my mother a few nights ago to ask her to come and visit, she was crying. So I will go back to see her.” When I commented about his very good English he said, “I took classes when I came six years ago and I like to talk with customers to help with my English. My friend lives in Russian area in Brooklyn. You know, in Brooklyn, people have areas of their own people. There are Jews, Italians, Chinese, many people. My friend only talks with Russians. After six years, all he can say in English is ‘ay-low’. I tell him he is stoopid. He must learn how talk and how to live here. You know, this is my country. I must get better and better.”
 
I was stunned. I quickly realized I have never heard anyone say that before: “This is my country”. Suddenly I thought how amazing is it that we are many people’s lifelong dream to come to America? I was flooded with my first rush of pride that I am in the most desirable country in the world.  I know, of course we have plenty to work and improve upon. I know we are far from perfect. Nevertheless, to say with pride and deep affection, “This is my country” is profound, and we are blessed.

“Trauma” is an event or events that puts us through physical or mental hell. The list is endless: child abuse, physical and/or sexual, loss of someone we loved, life threatening occurrences to name just a few. There are many therapies applied to help  people recover from traumatic times. One more recent (and still strongly debated) therapy is the relatively new “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing” therapy (EMDR). The VA is running with it for the time being to see if it is helpful for returning soldiers with PTSD. With numerous therapies available to help folks suffering from traumatic issues, it is with a little reservation that I offer information that is somewhat generic. However, if I had not found it helpful in the past, it would not be worth noting.
 
The most commonly occurring trauma I have dealt with in my 32 years of private practice is physical and sexual abuse. A teen comes in and shares that he had been molested by a neighborhood boy for a number of years. A grown man is barely in control as he shares that he recently discovered that his son had been molested by his grandmother. Another man told of his step father “beating the shit out of me” for years, while his mother made excuses for her husband’s behavior. A woman was virtually held captive by her cruel husband in the most remote area of Utah for years. The list goes on and on and on. Although the steps to take to help the healing process differ from person to person, there is a couple of common threads.
 
Abuse is the hurt that just keeps on hurtin’. The father with the abused daughter may find himself running grotesque mental videos through his head. He will most certainly feel like he didn’t protect his daughter well enough. So how does one begin to heal from something they cannot control? As an overly simplistic image, we can look at our lives as a big see-saw. All this horrible crap is placed on one side, throwing off the balance in favor of the trauma. Most people seek relief from therapy by hoping they can reduce the weight of all the negativity. Logically though, other than amnesia, these are your memories. So the way of counter-balancing the trauma is to begin to add “weight” onto the other side. As we strive to improve our lives, we add weight to the “good” side of the see-saw. What is it that a person needs to improve their lives? Work diligently at making our marriage a powerful one? Vigorously seeking ideas to become not a good, but a remarkable parent? Consistently working at improving one’s health through new found nutrition and/or physical improvements? Seeking a new and enlightening spiritual or religious awakening? Dedicating ourselves to be in the service of others?
 
In other words, we break the bondage of mental of physical negativity by concentrating on improving ourselves. It is not so difficult to begin, but the effort to stay focused on the long term effort to improve our existence is demanding. However, what is more exhausting: working diligently and consistently to improve ourselves, or to quietly rage at the stupidity or cruelty of some massively screwed up person who impacted our lives? Hey, they did bad stuff before, I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow them to continue their shitty behavior year after year in my head.

          I sure wish I was a fast learner, but sadly, plenty of important lessons are processed long after the event has passed.

          My wife’s terrific parents were in from Austin for a weekend visit.  Late Saturday night there was a strong knock on the door.  11:30 at night?  Uh oh.  To my surprise it was my Korean lady neighbor, a single parent, “Sam”.  She was in a panic. “John Sommer, please help me!  The neighbor boys are trying to get my 13 year old son to leave with them.  I want them to leave, and they are ignoring me.  Please help.”  I knew these little knuckleheads.  They were likely the ones who, a few months back, had written “rape” on Sam’s back door.  They weren’t gang bangers, but a group of three bullies.  So, mad as a rabid dog, I tucked my “doggie knocker” (bicycling protection stick) into the back of my belt and started to head out the door.  Before I got out the door, my kindly professor-ish father in law told me he wanted to come with me.  As I was intending to perform a major intimidation to these teenage bullies, I really didn’t want a kindly gentleman to nurture these boys.  Regardless, I couldn’t tell Claude he couldn’t come with me.  So, we charged across the street and stomped into Sam’s kitchen where the three little tough guys were hovered over Sam’s son, still insisting he leave with them.  I immediately had the upper hand as I angrily burst into the room confronting them, scaring the hell out of them.  I threateningly ordered them out of the house with the dire warning to them that Sam had better never have to come get me again.  Tails between their legs, they slinked out the back door where Claude was stationed.  As they crept out the back door, Claude advised them individually, “Be kind”.  Be Kind?!  Oh man.  I had a vision of the Terminator (me) generously allowing three kids to depart after deciding to not dismember them.  As they leave, Mother Theresa (Claude) gives them a blessing. I was displeased that Claude’s “kind” advice was watering down my imminent threat.  “Be kind”.  *sigh*  I never told anyone, but I was unenthusiastic about the interference. 

It was many months later that I realized the depth of Claude’s advice.  What he was telling the boys was exactly correct:  be kind.  If that principle was applied in this bully-boy example, they, in being kind, would immediately leave at Sam’s request.  In being kind they would not have written “rape” on her door. 

I have since taken Claude’s simple advice into the realm of my counseling.  It applies to a majority of circumstances.  Recently I began working with a very troubled married couple.  In their many angry moments, they were being extremely verbally critical of each other.  Can they resolve their numerous issues?  We shall see.  Still, even in angry moments, what if they applied the principle:  be kind.  Being kind in our anger means we temper what we say, we are not cruel, and are not inappropriate.  An endless barrage of criticism is not kind. 
         
A teenage senior was in trouble for vandalizing someone’s car.  His rationalization was that the other kid “was a smart ass”.  We applied the principle here.  What would you do if you were being kind?  We used this principle in his treatment.  With his consent, we agreed on his rather simple treatment plan:  be kind.  He went out of his way at talking to lonely-looking kids, offered rides to some students in need, sat in the cafeteria with the nerdy kids, etc.  As he graduated, he said he was liberated from his misplaced anger.
        
It seems that the advice offered by my father in law is almost too simple, but nothing could be further than the truth.  At times, being kind is tremendously difficult.  Nevertheless, should we not hold ourselves to a high standard of conduct regardless of anyone else?  Perhaps we can be a positive model for others by our proper behavior of being kind.

Once upon a time there was an eight year old princess. And she had a nice seven year old brother. But they had a problem. They had an “issue”. And to make matters more confusing, so did ten million other kids (an exaggeration no doubt). The issue was peeing the bed at night. Mom said “oh dear, whatever shall we do?” Dad said, “they’re doing it because their too lazy to get up at night, so they’d rather sleep in their own pee.” Then one evening, after the kids were in bed, the news channel mom and dad incessantly watched at night blanked out, and the image of a kind fairy appeared. To their amazement she floated out of the screen and, in a rather high-pitched voice said, “Mother, fear not, for I have an answer for you. Then she floated over to the father and said, “Father, you are mistaking your opinion as a fact. You are kind of a knucklehead. So you both pay attention now and I will show you some magic.” So she waved her wand and a notepad and pen appeared in both parents’ hands. Then she said, “take notes and follow your instructions or I will turn you both into frogs. The kids have untrained bladders. It is solely your responsibility to train them. Here’s how:”
 
1. Tell the kids it is no longer a problem if they wet the bed. You can save the mattress with a plastic cover and keep a change of sheets and pj’s nearby. Here’s how you assume the responsibility:
 
2. Every night you kinda wake the kids up and walk them to the bathrooms. The boys typically need to be held up to increase their aim. Then tuck them back into bed.
 
3. In the beginning you will miss catching them in time. You can approximate how long ago they peed, and take note of just when you need to take them in the future. It’s also the perfect opportunity to prove to them you meant it when you said it wasn’t a problem. Forget about having them take a shower that night. For heaven’s sake, pee’s pretty lightweight. They can change into dry bed clothes and clean up as need be in the morning.
 
4. Alert them to the fact you want as much cooperation as they can muster when you take them to the bathroom. In other words, “don’t give me any grief when I get you up”. You can privately expect a little resistance, but this reduces a lot of it.
 
5. If you go to bed right after the kids (?!), you need to set an alarm to wake you up. Night after night, this “bladder forming” takes about six months. If you think this is a lot of labor, keep in mind the work involved in changing the bed, washing the sheets and pajamas, etc., etc. Not to mention it’s never a self esteem builder  to be a bed wetter. Follow these steps and the children are usually done with their bed wetting.   *Poof*, then the good fairy was gone.
 
That night the husband said, “I think I was tripping. I only imagined that weird experience”. The children wet their beds that night. The next morning, the mother and father looked in the mirror, and they both had a small toad-like wart on the end of their noses. They both ran for their note pads and reviewed their notes carefully. For the next six months they lovingly took their children to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Six months later: no more bed wetting! And the nose wart disappeared from the mom and the dad. Years later, on their 50th anniversary, they laughingly recounted their experience to their now adult children. Both of the kids thought their parents must have been trippin’, and went home to their own homes to lovingly and patiently raise their own kids.
 
The End

Hey John,
 My grandfather has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has less than a month to live. I am already having a hard time coming to grips with the inevitable, but I am wondering about how I approach this subject with my 3 and 4 year old children. We are going to visit him before he passes here in a week or so, and my children only know there papaw is really sick. I don't plan on explaining too much to them do to their ages, but if they ask how would you suggest to go about it?
 
 Thank you,
A Lost Soul
 
Ms. Soul,
Your question was regarding the kid’s upcoming sad days rather than your own, so to that I comment. The fact is, little kids can feel the sadness, but not as intensely, nor for as long as we do. Don’t expect them to necessarily grieve much. Additionally, at this tender age, the chances are they may not have much memory of your beloved Grandfather as time goes on. I believe we can pay proper tribute to important people by sharing pictures and stories throughout the upcoming years. In this manner you can derive some comfort in recalling your Grandpa while helping your kids to have a memory of his importance in your life.
 
There is also the significance in our own grief that reflects the greatness and great fortune in knowing and loving the person we have just lost. Refer back to the March 24th column of this year (http://www.brownwoodnews.com/hey-john-advice-column-grief-process/ ) to read about a person trying to properly deal with losing her Mother. If lessening our sorrow meant lessening our relationship and memories, which would you rather have? It sounds like your Grandpa was as lucky to have you for his granddaughter as you were to have him.

HeyJohn,
I am writing you because I am so depressed. My Grandmother died a year ago, and I have really had a hard time with it. A few weeks ago I went over to a friend’s house, and she was making cookies for her kids. Every time I smell cookies cooking, especially sugar cookies, I think about making cookies with Grammy. I got so sad, I had to leave my friend’s house crying. To make matters worse, I was using a cheap mascara, so when I got home, my face looked awful and a little scary. It was terrible. I miss her so much, and remembering that I had her arrested a few months before she died makes me even more sad. What can I do to stop being so depressed?
Cookie
 
Dear Cookie,
First let me say I really like your name, especially in light of your letter. I am sorry for the death of your grandmother. She sounds like she was a very different kind of involved grandparent. Try a new strategy to help you: stop trying to not be sad. Work at enjoying thinking back about memorable experiences with her. Get a friend or good family member to exchange stories about her. Be grateful that your suffering means you had wonderful memories with her. I mean, except for having her arrested of course…. I could use an additional note about that one.

As a therapist (and part time writer), here's some of the issues I deal with about this time of year:
* "Although I am not ultra-religious, my brother is an angry religion hater. At Easter time he likes to tell my young kids that Easter is when we celebrate the day the Easter bunny was born." ~or~
* At the annual Easter egg hunt, dumb bunny parents are yelling at their kids! ~or~
* "I love to serve lamb for Easter meal. My 'rural' cousin, just before the blessing will always say, 'ewww, mutton? Who ever eats a smelly sheep?!'"
______________________________
Three issues? So whatever shall I do? So I made a mature and well thought out decision as to which issue to address: I flipped a coin.
Happy Easter everyone.
ps  It's really not the celebration of the birth of the Easter bunny......

Hey John,
This past weekend I took my two girls to a local park for the annual Easter egg hunt. It was pretty well organized and quite crowded. It was divided into age groups to make it more fun for the kids. Both of my girls found a bunch of eggs full of candy, and they had a good time. The problem was with me. I was really bummed out by the behavior of some of the parents. Some of the mothers were screaming orders out to their little kids in order that they could find more eggs. One mother was yelling, “Billy! BILLY! Turn to your left! NO!! YOUR LEFT!! Oh for God’s sake”. Another mother admonished her six year old, “is that all the candy you got?!”
My question is, should I tell these parents to be joyful for their kids, me just be quiet, or simply not take my kids back?
Easter Blues
 
Dear Bluey,
It is unfortunately a reality that some of these parents belong in cages, not in public places. Doing “free counseling” with knuckleheaded parents can be helpful, but can also result in angry, inappropriate responses. The real question is: did your kids enjoy themselves? If they were blissfully unaware of the tightly wound noisy parents, and were pleased with participating in the event, it would seem that future participation may be good for them. Personally, I would go down to the local hardware store and buy a pair of those squishy little earplugs. As the event begins, put them in and try to focus on your children. You can unplug yourself just as the event is ending. You sound like a kind and loving mother. I hope your Easter was joyful.

HeyJohn,
I am an eighteen year old girl living in a bad house. I never met my Dad, and my Mom ran off with another woman a few years ago, and I haven’t seen her since. I’m living with my Grandmother, and this is like living in a homeless shelter or a nut house. My thirty year old cousin and his meth-shooting girlfriend are taking one of the rooms in this house. Last month my boyfriend set up his PlayStation 4 in my room for us to play. A few days later, when I got back from school, it was gone. I asked everyone who took it, and of course no one admitted anything. Later I found the pawn ticket in my nasty cousin’s bedroom. When I showed it to my grandmother she said, “Well, for God’s sake, if you want it back, go pay off the pawn ticket!”  I told her since she’s letting these skanks live in our house, she should pay for it. She got really mad at me and started yelling. I went down to the pawn shop, paid $90.00 to get it back, and brought it back to my boyfriend’s house. I’m worried he will stop liking me because he’s discovered what a screwed up family I have. Do you have any ideas to help me stop suffering?
White Sheep Of The Family
 
Dear Sheepy,
I know it’s not this easy, but four little letters will eventually bring you some peace of mind: M-O-V-E. Although you presumably have a few months before you graduate, and thus will likely have to stay in the Nut Hut for a while longer, start making plans for what will follow graduation. College bound? Make an appointment to see financial aid and see if they have loans, or better yet, grants for disadvantaged youth. There are also very well regarded vocational schools (one in Texas is TSTC). Job Corp can be cool, as can Americorp. Training for virtually free? What an opportunity. Going to stay local? See if you can access the bulletin board at your local college to see if there are other girls looking for roommates.
The bottom line is this: you can’t change dysfunctional people, especially when they see no need to improve. We can, however, succeed in our own lives. It takes some effort, but so what? Would you rather voluntarily live in misery? Not me. I hope not you either.
p.s. As a relationship enhancer, keep your boyfriend away from the House of Weirdness. You are right to be concerned he might get scared by the level of dysfunction at Granny’s House of Horrors. Additionally, don’t always use him as your therapist. There are lots of counselors to be found. Boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to have fun together, share dreams with each other, and generally enjoy each other’s company. Search for a counselor for counseling if you are so inclined.
Get after it, kid. You sound like you have a lot of potential. Break on thru to the other side.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_State_Technical_College
https://www.jobcorps.gov/
https://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/americorps/join-americorps

[Please see essay below for Part I]
In college I didn’t major in Pornography Studies or anything. I did take a class in Human Sexuality however, as I thought it might be a good place to meet girls. But that didn’t pan out. All I got out of it was a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, and a C+. Thus, what I know about the subject of pornography I have learned from my forty years of counseling. I never thought it was the world’s greatest activity, but I was somewhat neutral about the subject. However, the world has changed, and one of those changes is the intensity of what is out there. This ain’t your grandpa’s nekkid pinups no more. So here are a few real life cases. The facts are altered enough to keep the people anonymous, but the situations are real.
•I thought when I saw this young couple (19?) they were coming in for some relationship enhancement. Instead, shortly into our visit she said, “Will you tell him I am sick of his sexual punishment?” Yow! So into our time together, I learned that he received his “sex education” by watching triple X movies. This was pre-internet, so he had to drive with a few friends about an hour to watch lots of hardcore porn. As a result, that’s what he thought sex with his girlfriend was supposed to be. Even though she objected, his overly assertive personality won out. I saw her years after their predictable break up, and she felt she was still scarred by the extreme sex he had with her.
•Years later a husband began our session by asking, “if she has had her teeth professionally whitened, and is getting breast implants, do you think it’s reasonable for me to assume she’s making plans to leave me?” Before I could respond, she said, “Why in the hell would I stay? You are in love with all those hoes you spend time with on your computer. Mr. Sommer, I have asked him for months to come to bed with me, and instead he stays with his internet hoes. I can’t compete with all the sex stuff that they do. Our sex life hasn’t existed for at least six months. Also, do you think it’s okay that he accidentally left the porn site up, and our thirteen year old son moved the mouse in the morning and sees oral sex happening?” Although he profusely apologized for the kid incident, he made no reassurances he would, or even could cease his porn watch. I received a letter from him a few years later informing me she had permanently left a few days after our meeting. He hadn’t seen the kids in over two years.
•A concerned mother called me asking for me to help her daughter. She thought her son-in-law was “addicted to porn”. I told her I would be fine in consulting with her daughter, but she had to initiate the call. Five minutes later she called. Crying, she said they were living at the job site, and if she went to his boss for help, her husband would likely lose his job and their housing. She continued. “even though he is well paid, we can’t afford his nine-hundred dollar a month bill from the porn sites”. I was so stunned, I asked her to repeat her last sentence. Nine hundred dollars?! Uh oh. This represents a different level of pornography. Is her husband watching snuff films where the sexual abuse becomes lethal? Infant sexual abuse? This one really sent me reeling. I’m experienced enough not to play my hand to the extent where the person asking for help is hurt by my response, but I had to tell her that this is a whole new world of extremes. My parting advice was to ask for outside help to motivate her husband to seek help, in this case possibly inpatient. This issue mixed with what his job was meant he would lose his job without the help, so get the help while it’s still available. I never heard back from her.
•He was thirteen when he talked the neighbor’s younger boys into trying some sex. He had both oral and anal sex with the cousins. Although the county attorney wanted “inpatient treatment” for him, further investigations indicated that the facility was a poorly run lockup facility for young sex offenders. As this kid was small and immature, he would have likely been fresh meat for the older offenders. Instead the judge locked him up in a detention facility for four months, and put him on indefinite probation until he is eighteen. After I got to know him, I asked, thinking he had been sexually abused himself, “Where did you first learn about this kind of sex?” With his head hanging down, he quietly said, “On my phone”. When I asked if there was a particular friend or relative who had shown him the site(s), he said, “I dunno, you know, everyone’s phone”.
 
If you notice, these few examples are without religious or moral commentary. That in itself is a whole other vantage point that, although extremely relevant, is missing from this response. Dear Abby Jr. apparently thinks that this subject is one that pits the hip enlightened ones against the conservative moralists. She is wrong. Harmfully wrong. Although people have occasionally viewed extreme sex and not suffered detrimental effects, so many people have been harmed by their indulgence in porn, and a lot of them are really young, that to ignore that well known fact is far worse than being naïve or ill informed;  it is a form of  journalistic malpractice.

You know, I don’t want to waste my column time criticizing “Dear Crabby”, but this column needs to be addressed.  As a therapist, I have always known that when someone asks you for help, it is poor work at best to simply insinuate, “Don’t worry about it”. And that’s how this thing started off. Crabbs, this should not be a public forum to promote our own agendas or prejudices. Your unfounded support for the possible sexual enhancement of viewing porn is not only shortsighted, but potentially harmful. That “do no harm” thing that the doctors are supposed to do applies to us too. So here’s most of the letter and your answer. I will complete my comment at the end. You ought to be embarrassed…. at the very least.
 
Dear Abby, We don't live together, but we're together three or four times a week. He is into porn, and when I am not there, I know he looks at it because I have found pictures of it on his phone. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. When I tell him that, he says there's no emotional attachment to porn for him. He says it is all visual and there is nothing to be jealous of. I myself am not into it. It grosses me out to even look at it. Is he telling me the truth? -- GROSSED OUT IN JERSEY
“DEAR GROSSED OUT: If your boyfriend does not require looking at his cellphone in order to have sex with you, then he is telling you the truth. Men are turned on by the visual. Women are more turned on by the written word. The expert who pointed that out to me was Larry Flynt. [Hustler magazine]. After I printed it, I was criticized by some readers for using him as a resource. Three months later, the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ appeared and became a worldwide phenomenon. So Larry was right -- in SPADES.” [Emphasis, hers]
 
Dear Crappy Jr.,
My editor has cautioned me about writing too long of an answer. As a result, I must do a part one and a part two. Part two (next week, presumably) will contain a handful of real life situations with porn and couples. Stuff that taught me a lot. It’s a little eye-opening.
 
PART ONE: The Reply
The girlfriend is sickened by his porn he watches. You make no mention of our loving duty to take care of each other. This is not a "rights" issue, it's a relationship issue.  You instantly take sides against who you might consider “a prude”? That’s pretty prejudicial. How about helping the couple? Additionally, although the visual/male and written/female responses may be correct, so what?  That means they should be okay with watching porn? That’s a pretty bizarre assumption, especially since someone wrote you asking for help with their relationship.
 
Because Fifty Shades sold a lot of copies that means that porn is what, good for you? You know the Godfather was an enormous seller, and that means what, it’s good for us to be mafia? That you should name your first boy after the Godfather’s hit man Luca Brasi? What are you trying to say? Additionally, as a frame of reference,  how many couples have you worked with that discussed with you their involvement with porn, good or bad?
 
 Finally, you don’t have to love or hate (or even remember) Larry Flynt. He published Hustler, which was far more explicit than the other “girlie” magazines. You’re asking a guy who made his living selling the most explicit sex pics and stories of their time if he thinks watching explicit sex is okay? Really? Gimmi a break.
Crappie, you’re easily old enough to remember the old adage, “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut”.
 
Do you need professional liability insurance as an advice-giving columnist? Do your syndicated newspapers? If I gave “advice” like this, my premiums might go sky high (or worse).  By telling a concerned woman she shouldn’t worry about her boyfriend’s love of porn is doing harm to her and her relationship with him. This is far more serious than incorrect advice.
I repeat, you are doing harm.
 
Next Week:
Some Real Case Studies Of Twenty-First Century Porn And Some Of The People Involved

HeyJohn,
I am a thirty-five year old mother of two boys, ages 12 and 9. I am married, and both my husband and I are employed, but are not highly paid people. Because of our shaky finances, we have moved in with my mother and her husband. It is a little cramped, with the boys sharing a fold out bed in the living room. We contribute to the bills and the food. My question is, how much power do I give my mom in disciplining the kids? Although they are pretty well behaved, they are boys, and don’t always get along. When I got home from work the other day I found the 9 year old standing in the corner, and my older son sitting on the couch with his hands folded on his lap. They had both been there for about an hour. I was then lectured by my mom what a poor disciplinarian I was, and how poorly behaved the kids were. I told her privately that she needed to “release” the boys from their punishment, and she said no, they hadn’t learned their lesson. I took them outside, discussed the problem and set them free. My mother was furious and hasn’t spoken a word to me or the boys for the last two days. Was I in the wrong here? I am grateful she let us move in, but does that give her the authority to run my family? I don’t know what to do.                                                                                                                                      
Working Myself Crazy
 
                                                                                                                                                                            Dear Crazy,
You know, other cultures accept multi-generation families living under one roof. Asians, for example, have had grandparents, parents and their children living together to consolidate resources and income to save for the kid’s college education. Our American culture has not embraced such a lifestyle until fairly recently. Due to lousy finances, broken families and dysfunctional lifestyles, the number of “blended families” has increased greatly in the past twenty years or so. Thus, when I deal with families who have numerous generations living under one roof, I almost automatically assume some level of dysfunction. It’s not always the case, obviously, but it is more often than not. Then, when you add the probable issue of poor problem solving abilities into the mix, you have a really sad home environment for everyone, especially the kids. There are some solutions however, but it means practicing some light assertiveness in addition to working at problem solving skills. Consider as well: was your Mom an angry parent when she was in round one of her parenting days (that is, raising you)? If so, it’s unlikely she will have improved when she is called out of parenting retirement to embark on round two. Allow me to innumerate a few possible ideas to improve the home environment.
 
1) Without the kids present, have a calm sit-down meeting with your Mom. Start by giving her a time frame of how long y'all are planning to camp out with her. It's pretty daunting thinking your house is being invaded for eternity. Then try to come up with ideas to help her deal with your kid’s unacceptable behavior until you return home. One example would be: if the kids were arguing over a TV program, she might give them a warning that they have two minutes to reach their own solution, or face grandma’s solution (typically taking away screen time for an hour or so). In this way you are giving her some authority to control misbehavior while keeping yourselves as the final authority as to the discipline. Be sure to add your own consequences (though keep them light if granny has already punished them). Remind your Mom (and yourselves as well) to make note of good behaviors as well . Remember the old management mantra: “Unrewarded good behaviors cease”.
2) In the event your Mom is a highly stressed out grandma who is unable or unwilling to embrace a few ideas to make life in her house more enjoyable, you and Mr. Husband need to spend part of your time checking out future places to live - and soon.. Most towns have reduced income housing available. Look into your local HUD housing office for options and ideas. There are also reduced fees for child care for lower incomes. You need to prepare ahead of time so you are not forced to make a decision in a family crisis. Keep all this information to yourselves, as your Mom might perceive it as a threat or an insult. The both of you working likely means y’all are not lazy bums, but under-paid people. Our poor years are usually not permanent. When we are struggling, we need to do some extra things to keep afloat. Do it.
3) Keep this thought in your head: when your kids are in their thirties and coming back with their spouse and kids to visit you, what do you want their memories to be? Do you want them reminiscing about the worse days of their life growing up with you? Your son says, “I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school so I could get out of that hell hole?” Or would you rather, “I miss those days as a kid when we all would have some great meals and play those gooney games you used to love?” CrazyWorkingMom, you are creating the future right now. Choose wisely. Our childhood is not supposed to be rotten.

I've had two inquiries in two weeks about the same issue: the wife would like more sexual participation from the husband. For men who wish for the same, I know what you're thinkin': "can she counsel my wife?" The truth is, however, there is far more often than not some degree of compatibility issues in regards to sex between husbands and wives. Thus, a semi-rare HeyJohn re-run is called for. If you didn't already know, I'm in a bit of a snit with Dear Crabby. Although she often gives out easy, kinda common sense "advice", sometimes she spaces out. As my correction dealt with specifically this sex issue, I thought it appropriate to run it again. Abbs was a space chicken here. "Asexual"? I thought that was what pollywogs were. Anyway, batter up toots. I maintain it's way past time to retire...

Dear Crabby is now Dear Crabby Junior, with her much-younger-than-she-was (however, she is 75) semi-hip daughter having purchased the name. Not to mention she makes a lot of moola on her column. Sometimes she’s on, and sometimes she's off. But you know, you owe it to the public not to be massively off the wall. I don’t go around lookin’ for fights, but this bizarro piece of advice got my toes tingling.
 
So here’s the contention: a lady writes Crabbington complaining that her “masculine” husband of four years is only “having sex” twice a month with her. They are both early forties. She goes on to say, “I don’t want to cheat, but I’m afraid I eventually will if my needs aren’t met”. Crabs responds by saying, “he appears to have very low sex drive, or he may be borderline asexual.” If you try some counseling or sex toys, and it doesn’t work, “you will have to decide if you are prepared to live with the situation as it is.”
Yow! That seems a little strange. Borderline asexual? Is this really advice? Call me old, or call me old fashioned (just don’t call me late for supper), but I still think marriage is supposed to be about true love, a presumption of permanence, mutual respect for each other, and that ol’ for better or for worse promise thing. If not, why’d you get married in the first place? So Crabbington, Jr., let’s revise that odd assessment and “hip advice”. How about:
 
Dear Needs More,
First you need to review why you married this man. “I don’t want to cheat” should never be used as a threat, or even in the deck in the first place. Review your love, loyalty and commitment to him. Secondly, a loving couple should look out for each other. You might want to consider having a talk with him with a few ideas (logically a checkup first). He, on the other hand should we willing to forgo pride or embarrassment and help his true love anyway he can. A competent doctor’s appointment could easily determine low testosterone levels (relax fellas, it's just blood work), and is dealt with pretty easily and very commonly. He needs to get over any machismo about asking for help, and you need to re-learn commitment and loyalty. If anyone suggests an off the wall diagnoses like “asexual”, you might seriously question their expertise and judgment. There’s a whole bunch of reasons why couples get out of sync in their love life. If y'all need a counselor, therapists are listed everywhere online, and some have customer ratings. Y’all work like a loving dedicated couple on solutions and always take care of each other.

Hey John,
I am the mother of three kids: two girls and a boy. We are a tight knit family, as we are very involved parents to very nice, though sometimes challenging children. However, this challenge we could have done without. Recently our seven year old boy dropped an “N-bomb” at school. Although he appeared not to mean it in an angry way, the little black kid in his class (his friend) was wounded. His teacher called us in to discuss the matter with us and our son. He was clearly deeply humiliated. He had already had a discussion with “Peter” and apologized to him. I was disappointed and angry with him. His father, on the other hand was much more upset than I was. On the drive home he unleashed on him: “what’s wrong with you anyway?” And “where did you learn to talk like that? Certainly not from us!” And on and on. He went to bed early that night and nothing more was said. My question is, how much influence do his friends have on him? Will his teachers think of us as drooling racists, teaching our kids such human disrespect at home? Does he not know right from wrong? Do we have to isolate him from bad influences for the rest of his in-school life?
Distraught Mom
 
Dear D-Mom,
You are worried about the wrong thing. You are scared that your son will exhibit improper behaviors regardless of y’alls teachings. Hopefully these poor behaviors will be few and far between. However, based on our own experiences in growing up, we both know there are things we have done that our parents would have objected to. The real concern is when our kids screw up and we don’t know about it. When our kids mess up, it is the perfect opportunity to teach them right from wrong.           
You asked, “Does he not know right from wrong”? The real answer is: usually, but not always. Our lives are full of lessons, and sometimes we have to learn by screwing up, and suffering the proper accountability. Obviously this includes positive reinforcement for good behavior as well. The brains of children are not fully developed, and as good parents, it’s our duty to teach them and help them develop. Remember that kinda scary soft spot on the head of your newborn? I like to think that older kids have a soft, undeveloped spot in their head.
As for isolating him, it’s just not possible. We can be selective about some of his friends, but the reality is: we need to empower them to know right from wrong when they are away from us. [See: the scary days when your daughter starts dating]. So the reality is this: when our kids mess up, it is the perfect opportunity to teach them. Parents long for easy behaviors to deal with. Personally, I long for opportunities to teach my kids so they’ll turn out okay.

 
Hey John,
I am a woman in my mid-forties. I have always been slightly overweight, so I finally found a diet and healthy life style than enabled me to lose some weight. Late in the year my Mom became seriously ill, and I devoted a lot of my time to helping the family out. During the process I lost a few more pounds (not much). My Mom is improving, and my life is considerably improved.
A few months ago I was at a party, all dressed up and having fun when an acquaintance came up to me and said, “I see you’ve lost weight. And it’s not a healthy look for you”. I left the party holding back tears and I can’t stop thinking about what he said. Do I really look that bad? Should I try to gain a few pounds back? Did helping my Mom make me look worn down? It’s months later, and I still feel bad. What can I do to stop ruminating on it?
Feeling Sad
 
Dear Ms. Sad,
I have some bad news for you: schmucks are all around us. My first reaction is to slap the shit out of Mr. or Mrs. Dumbass. However, that “therapy” would only benefit me, not the accused. I think it is essential that we remember to quietly preface all comments from people with, “in my opinion”. If Mr. Insensitivity were to have had the uncommon sense to say, “In my opinion, you may have dropped too much weight”, we might still be wounded, but could keep it in context. It’s just his crappy little unsolicited opinion. That and $2.75 will get you a Starbucks coffee. In other words, it doesn’t mean much. There are plenty of people that try to make themselves feel superior by giving lots of unsolicited (and usually unwanted) opinions or advice.  Re-directing your anger (or sadness) to the tragedy of their terribly handicapped ego would be more accurate than seriously considering what they had to say.
You have to wonder what ever has happened to them that they would become so ill mannered. Too bad for us to be subjected to it; really too bad for them being like this. So instead of trying to forget about it, properly reframe it: they’ve become crass, and it’s too bad you were there for it.
P.S. Unless you look like Twiggy in the sixties, keep the weight off, you lucky duck.
P.S.S. At the risk of over self-promotion, I recommend one of my personally favorite essays: Not Defending Yourself at: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/blog/not-defending-yourself  It really set me free.

P.S. Do you think Texas will ever legalize weed? With all these states legalizing marijuana, do you have an opinion?
Benjamin J.

She realized how foolish they were: smoking pot in her boyfriend's car. When the police lights came on behind them, she tried to put away the "blunt" (a stupidly oversized joint). She nervously knocked the fixings all over the seat and floor. Fortunately it was well within the misdemeanor range (about a gram: 1/28th of an ounce. Anything below four ounces is a misdemeanor in Texas). She was horrified when she found out she had been charged with a felony: an extremely serious and life changing charge. Because the police officer observed the small amount of pot on the seat and floor, the prosecutor decided to charge her with tampering with evidence. Maximum penalty: ten years in prison! Her court appointed attorney advised her to take a plea bargain and accept ten years probation. She will have paid over ten thousand dollars by the time it’s over. And she will have a felony permanently embedded on her record.
 
Another person came in for counseling due to some serious depression. Two years before he was pulled over for speeding. He had no problem with the officer searching his car as he hadn’t smoked pot in a couple of years. To his shock, the cop found an ancient “roach” decaying in a tiny metal box. He was charged, posted non-refundable bail, then the charges were later dropped as the roach was so old and tiny, they couldn’t get a sample from it. He had custody of his two young children, as his angry ex-wife needed more “space”. However, her parents wanted the kids and she was living with them, so they hired an expensive attorney from Dallas, and using the arrest as evidence of his inability to care for his two children, he lost custody of his children.
 
We can easily blame an excited and overzealous District Attorney, but regardless, the law is in place. The only relief is to reduce the extreme punishment for a light “crime”. Drop the debate for a while on the legalization of marijuana, and let’s consider the reduction of extreme punishment in decriminalization. Look it up, as there’s a huge difference. The problem is the people who are charge of creating a humane environment are politicians. Most do not want to create a potential controversy by taking a stand. Their main concern, perhaps their only concern is to keep their relatively easy and well paid jobs. So they stay quiet.
 
This is not an endorsement of smoking pot, but a reasonable request to drop the extreme penalties of the 1940’s, and make the law fit the crime. I hope our fine state is not only populated by political scaredy cats. We are long overdue to step up to the plate and make the shoe (or boot) fit the foot.
 
 
 
John S. Sommer
National Certified Addictions Counselor II
Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Supervisor