Hey John,
A few months ago I was in an art competition with a fairly good sized group of people. I couldn’t help but take notice that many of the artists’ spouses were in attendance, providing encouragement and friendly company. So half way through my project I called my husband to ask him if he would like to come down and keep me company (it’s a ten minute drive). He told me he would rather watch TV. When my artist neighbor commented that perhaps he was excited about an Olympic event, I told her he just wanted to watch golf. Then I excused myself, went to the bathroom and cried. Is this all there is to an aging marriage? Do I even hope for an improvement? I am both married and lonely, and I don’t know what to do.
Sad Artist
 
Dear Ms. Renoir,
There are two answers. The first, although it is a little absurd, would likely be most effective. The second is more traditional, and might still help.
You could “slip him a mickey” (knockout drink), and handcuff him to a comfortable chair. Then you could force him to watch good movies with men who are loving, protective, and chivalrous. A few come to mind: Humphrey Bogart ("Bogey") in The African Queen is a fine start. Gregory Peck? John Wayne? You know, good examples of chivalrous, manly behavior. However, as he is into lazyass, belly-scratchin’ self-centered behavior, a traditional approach might be more effective.
 
Tell GolfDog you need to talk to him about something serious. The TV must be off (have him consult the manufacturer’s instruction manual as to how to do it). I like to begin a marriage enhancing/fixing session with getting a view of the past. What attracted you to this girl? When did you decide to get serious with her? What were some things about her that surprised or amazed you? What type of dates did y’all go on when you were first dating? Did you impress her in any way   (even accidentally)? Back in the day, maybe the second date, if she had called you to come see her, would you have said “no, I have to watch golf and scratch my armpits”? Feel free to re-phrase the last suggestion. Close with this bone chilling statement: “I am lonely”.
 
Many times such behavior is mindless laziness, not intentional disrespect. Couples need to work at continuing to impress each other as we grow older with each other. It’s easy early in our relationship, but it takes effort as we get older. Whoever is the most with-it needs to provide guidance to the other. And conversely the “other” needs to take it to heart, and work consistently at keeping his loved one in love with him. Plus, I bet your art work gets better as he gets better. I sincerely hope he can.

Hey John,
I have a terrible problem, and I know I need a lawyer, not a counselor. But I can’t afford a lawyer, and you’re free when you are HeyJohn. My ex-husband “B” and I have had an ongoing war about the custody of our seven year old daughter. I live in Texas, and he lives in Louisiana. He hates my current boyfriend (and hates me too). He knows Jorge smokes pot. I used to as well, but haven’t smoked much in the last few years. He called child welfare and said our daughter was in danger because of drugs. They said I had to give them a urine analysis or they would take my daughter. My pee test came up clean. So then they said they wanted to do a hair follicle test. I showed trace amounts of THC. I had smoked a little a week or two before and it showed up on that super sensitive test. My bad ex took me back to court a month later, and the judge gave him primary custody of our little girl. I never had any arrest, charges or anything. Do you think that is fair? I’m going crazy without her, I miss her so much. What can I do?
Crying Mom
 
Dear Crying,
In this format, I do not have the opportunity to ask some important questions. To clarify the situation, I’d ask:

1. Have you had “Child Welfare” in your life before? If so, why?
2. Is smoking the weed a precursor to other drug use? Have you had a problem with drugs (/alcohol) since your daughter was born?
3. Any priors with the law?

I have more questions, but rather, let’s take your letter on face value (in other words, “no” to all three questions). Is it proper to remove a child from a family because a parent has smoked marijuana? From a legal standpoint, as I was kicked out of law school after my first year, I don’t know the answer. I do know, however, a parent receiving a first offense DWI/DUI (no kids in the car) would likely not lose their kids due to this first misdemeanor offense. If they did, all my hundreds and hundreds of DWI students over the years would be childless. Thus, from a moral standpoint, it would seem that such a child- parent life altering decision based on a non-arrest pot smoking situation would be on extremely shaky grounds. It makes me hope, in some bizarre way that there were other serious circumstances involved. Otherwise, this would be a travesty of justice.
 
As to what to do, I would first seek out free legal aid from my town, as this is likely now a legal issue. If they won’t help, get a referral from them. If I could not get help, I would write a brief, concise letter to all local news publications. Here we have BrownwoodNews.com , the Brownwood Bulletin, the Abilene Reporter News and the Ft. Worth Star Telegram. Follow the publication’s instructions as to not exceed the maximum length. Next, work on your own physical and mental health. See her as much as you are allowed. Keep the visits upbeat and fun for her. No complaining or crying (from you). We need to put up a good front on our children’s behalf to keep them as worry-free as we can. Do not deal with your sadness with chemicals, especially alcohol. Anti-depressants can help, as might SHORT TERM use of an anxiety medication. If you are a church attendee, it would seem like an especially good time to re-connect. Consistent exercise can also be very helpful, as it gives a sense of accomplishment and control as well as endorphin release in the body.
 
I am not suggesting smoking marijuana is great for parenting, but it sure as hell is not so dangerous that a child should be removed. I wish you perseverance. May your love of your child bring the best outcome for her.

Hey John,
I am a married father with two kids, a boy and a girl. My daughter just turned 14, and is a good kid. Although she complains about her chores, she does them. She is also a good student. She tried sports, but didn’t like it much. She is currently in band, and likes it okay. The problem is this: I was a budding troubled kid at 14. I was starting to smoke a little weed and was a mediocre student at best. Although I was never in trouble with the law (mainly because I didn’t get caught), I graduated near the bottom of my class. I wasn’t sexually active, but I sure wanted to be. Now we fast forward to the 21st century, and things are very different. The kids are less restrained, I’m guessing due to outside influences and lazy parenting. I find myself being too restrictive on her because I don’t want her turning into me. Will she? I think that a lot of fathers are worried their girls will be a 16 year old, pregnant, pot smoking lost child. In my case, if she turns out like I was, it might come true. How do I keep that from happening?
Was Lost and Want To Be Found
 
Dear Lost and Found,
As I don’t have all the family facts here, I will need to generalize some. If you have a good marriage, the teaming up of a Mom and Dad increase the chances of success. Obviously there are plenty of single parents raising good kids, but competent double-teaming is a big advantage. You need to know that in addition to self esteem building activities, competently dealing with her screw ups are immensely important. Learning from our mistakes is an inescapable part of learning right from wrong and accountability. That’s HER mistakes, not yours . Some parents think they’ll keep their children from being like they were by confessing their early mistakes to their kids. Kids never learn from their parents experiences, only their own. I usually advise parents to keep their sordid past to themselves. Try to treat her errors in judgment (which she will have) as a chance to teach her, not merely punish her. Also, acknowledging the good stuff is at least as important. We need to be appropriately cautious, but allow her to do things that are important to her.
Remember, she is a genetic product of you and her mother, not just you. And it’s y’all raising her, not your Mom and Dad. Different parents, different kid. Finally, at the risk of self promotion, I really like the essay on Fathers and Daughters. Read if you are so inclined at: http://www.johnsommercounseling.com/fathers-and-daughters.html.
 
Work hard, have some fun and teach her the best you can. She’s not living at home with you for long. Take advantage of your time together.

Hey John,
Many years ago I saw a harsh movie: Sophie’s Choice. In it the nasty old Nazi’s made a mother decide which one of her young daughter’s was going to live, and which one they would execute right there. She was horrified, but finally chose to save daughter #2, so they killed her and let daughter #1 live. I am in a situation that is sort of like that.
 
I am married to a good man. I have three grown children, but my 22 year old son is the big problem. He had been in and out of juvenile detention when he was younger. Now that he’s on adult probation (drugs and assault), he wants to come live with me. Every time he moves back in, something goes really wrong. Last year he stole some of my jewelry, and pawned two of my husband’s expensive guns. About eight months ago, he got into a fist fight with my husband and beat him badly. He broke his nose, knocked out some teeth and tore his ear. He is now back on drugs and has no place to stay. He’s pleading with me to move in with us. He tells me he’ll “be on the streets and dead” without us. In our town, there is no homeless shelter. He tells me he will be dead in a few weeks if we don’t let him move in.
 
I love my husband, but I also love my son. I feel like I can’t just abandon him and maybe have him die. How do you stop loving your child and just watch them die? I don’t know what to do.
Sophie
 
Dear Soph,
You are certainly in a pickle. However, the problem really isn’t your son- it’s you. I have had to ask more than one parent with a difficult choice to make regarding their child: “Are you doing this to help out and protect your child, or are you doing it because you are scared that they will be mad at you?” Maternal (and paternal) feelings are powerful; however, not helping your child because you are scared is not maternal. In this case it would be choosing fear rather than your child. I would continue delaying your proclamation to him for a few days (him sleeping outside is rarely deadly) while you work quickly to do the following:

1. Find out if there are shelters in your town or in nearby cities. Write down their names, addresses and phone numbers.
2. Locate treatment centers nearby with the same info.
3. Pack him a half a dozen well wrapped peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to hold him over. Toss in a couple of tasty Hostess cupcakes while you’re at it.
4. Give him a list of your research, the grub and a kiss on the cheek.

 
As you have stated he is on probation, he is either not showing up (aka: absconding from probation), or he just hasn’t given them a dirty u/a yet. Either way, using while on probation always ends badly. This isn’t Sophie’s Choice my dear, as you are not being forced to choose one over the other. In this case you can be a devoted wife and a loving mother at the same time. Overcome your fear and take care of both these men in your life.

Hey John,
Now that my kids have reached the age that their compliance to my wishes is challenged, are there parenting ideas to get teens to be less resistant to my parental requests? A recent example: my daughter wanted to go into town to the local carnival. I told her as long as her room was cleaned, she could go. When her two friends arrived ready to leave, I looked in her room, and it was its normal pigsty self. We had a medium fuss, but I reluctantly let her go anyway. I was angry all weekend, and thought there must be a better way to do this. Ideas?
Perturbed Parent
 
Dear PP,
First and foremost, a parent needs to train themselves to anticipate what’s going to happen. This one would have been an easy one to predict. So the carnival deal was cut on Thursday, Friday morning and after school, the parent might have reminded their sloppy teen that the carnival was looming. THEN, it’s time to whip out the Parental Mighty Martial Arts Technique.
 
I was 17 and made the mistake of calling my friend's judo tournament a karate tournament. He quickly admonished me and told me there were virtually no similarities between the two martial arts. He further lectured me: "Karate is for animals. It's meet-force-with-force. You block and strike back. Judo however is a real martial art. You take the attacking person's energy and move with them to disable them. That's why a 100 lb. woman can completely disable a 300 lb. attacker. It's a lot of throws rather than blows".
I have incorporated young Mr. Kawaguichi's summary into my own work with children, especially teens. Rather than attacking an issue or disagreement head on (force with force), it is far more efficient with the going-with-the-energy approach. A child complains to his father than he had said he was going to shoot some hoops with him after supper, but the Dad had to sweep out the garage first. The judo approach was to ask the son for a solution to the dilemma, as he (the Dad) definitely wanted to play, and daylight was running out. The boy suggested he could help the Dad do the sweeping, as long as the Dad promised to shoot hoops, even if got dark. Perfect.
A daughter, returning home on vacation from her first semester from college was concerned about curfews. In her first semester in college, she had no curfew, and didn't want to be treated like a baby at home. A karate approach would be to tell her tough luck: deal with it. The judo approach was to address her objections and figure out a solution. “I agree that a curfew seems to be a step backward. However, when your mother gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and you’re not back, she’ll never get back to sleep. What shall we do?” It was finally agreed that regardless of how late she anticipated coming home, even 3 A.M., she would keep her self-imposed "curfew". If she had decided to spend the night at the friend's house, she would call no later than 1:00. The family later reported that although they were initially nervous about the compromise, she kept her word. As a side note, they were amused that despite the no-curfew agreement, she was usually home around midnight.
In your case, after the return from school, the parent might have lovingly (vs. threateningly) told the daughter, “your friends are going to be here at 7. I’ve got a few extra minutes to chip in and help you clean your room. May I provide you some assistance?” Then make it as much of an enjoyable experience as you can. Try to avoid predictable responses such as, “Oh my GOD! This old piece of pizza has enough mold to start a penicillin factory!!”  Just make her glad she asked you to help her out. In the event she refused your kind help and still didn’t keep her agreement, we now move into the proper accountability stage. However, that’s another topic for another inquiry. Obviously there are times when the parent has to pull out the because-I-told-you-so card, but the joy of dealing with issues by going with the other person's “energy” by adding a few twists or flips of our own is the superior martial art of parenting.
 
You will find yourself a bit inept at this brand of martial arts for a while, but as in judo (or karate for that matter), it takes practice to get good. If we expect our kids to improve, then so should we. In time, you may earn your fifth degree black belt in the Parental Mighty Martial Arts Technique.

Ok  y’all, let’s have a little talk here. I could make an additional career criticizing a millionaire “advice” columnist. Out of fairness, most issues she writes about are pretty lightweight, and she does ok. But the reality is, if your opinion is important to someone and carries some credibility, you are obligated to not let your own bias’ or personal preferences color your advice. More directly, you need to not be a knucklehead and screw somebody up. “For instance?” you might ask? Well folks, this is Crabigail’s column from August, 2018. Excuse the paraphrasing, but I’ll try to be accurate. Go ahead, sit down. Don’t read this while you’re driving.
 
Dear Ms. Crabby,
I’ve been married to my husband for 28 years. My (female) friend has been married for 30. Recently she gave me a soft kiss on the neck. I didn’t respond, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Can two straight women jump ship and fall in love with each other? Oh, Obi Wan, please help me. Tell me what to do.
Kissee
 
[Crabby’s abbreviated  response]
Dear Ms Kissee,
Yes, people of the same sex can fall for each other. I can’t tell you what to do. “Much will depend on what she has to say…..”
_________________________
 
[Sound of brakes slamming on: screeeeech!]. WHAT did you just say? Is that some mutated misprint? Ok Crabs, for the sake of equality, let’s change the genders around. “My film director came over and gave me a sloppy kiss on the neck. He knows how long I’ve been married. Is it ok for me to fall in love with him? Crabby, does he seem like a good guy to you? Should I leave my husband and kids for him? I sure could use your most important guidance. Do you think “much will depend upon what he has to say”?
 
So Jeannie, aka Dear Crabby Jr., at least consider this:
 
Dear Kissee,
At what point do we surrender to temptation? What did you teach your kids about using drugs? What about early sexual activity? Did you try to instill principles to help them make conscientious decisions? Was it something like, “son, if a meth pipe appears at a party, you’re going to be faced with a decision. Should you just turn and leave?  Should you use because other people are? Or use because you are tempted? We all face some tough decisions in our lives. I hope you make decisions that are consistent with your beliefs.”
 Or something like that.
It seems like when Crabby addresses  Kissee’s same-sex question, perhaps she thinks that taking a position might be viewed as anti-same sex. So instead you advise her to wait until hot lips makes a decision about her? Most people make more competent decisions when they make them their selves.
You might want to also suggest that she have a little “needs love” discussion with husband of 28 years. She doesn’t have to bust hot lips, just have a loving talk with her husband. I’d hate to think that after 28 years, my wife and I couldn’t have meaningful discussions with each other. If she wants to jump the fence with neckkisser, she’s got lots of time to do it. Let’s try some problem solving first.
 
So Crabigail, it shouldn’t be all about the money. You may be pulling in a bunch of cash, but it is supposed to be about helping people. You don’t always have to be people’s moral compass, but you’re sure as hell not supposed to do harm. Some letters may be light and simple, but some are life-changingly serious. My unsolicited advice is add some people to your staff who have their feet squarely planted on the ground. Then you can get some additional ideas to consider. Either that or take your inappropriate big bucks and retire. Then do what your mother should have done and retire the name too.

Hey John,
I have two problems. Actually, I have more like eleven hundred of them, but here are two of them. I have a pretty strange family. I am distant from them, so I don’t see them very often. They have a world of problems. My kid sister (in her twenties) is either anorexic or bulimic. I don’t really know the difference. She’s skinny as a pale toothpick, but won’t eat hardly anything. The next one up the ladder is my brother who’s hugely overweight, and will eat you out of house and home. My next in line sister is a serial divorcer. She believes in marriage before you have children; so each one of her four children has a different father. She divorced all four of them. She is currently setting up number five.
Even though this is a pretty dysfunctional family, everyone is an okay person. No thieves or murderers out of the four of us. When we get together, we normally get along pretty well, at least for a while. Not seeing each other but every couple of years probably helps too. Believe it or not, they’re really not the problem. My problem is my best friend. A couple of weeks ago he was over having a couple of beers with me. Everything was chill. Then he starts up. “So how’s your family in Utah? Your sister, how’s she doing? When I asked, “which sister are you talking about?” he says: “You know: the one who starves herself even though she looks like a stick.” Then he continues with talking trash (but it’s all accurate) about each sibling. “Your giant brother: doesn’t he know he’s a heart attack on a plate? And your sister: is she still competing with Elizabeth Taylor’s marriage record?” Etc., etc. etc. I was looking forward to a nice evening with my friend, and Mr. Ultimate Buzzkill screwed it all up. Is there anything I can do with my friendship?
Unhappy Friend
 
Dear Mr. Friend,
Allow me address your question at the end of my answer. In the meantime, you have experienced a strange, though common phenomenon I term, Being Forced To Defend Someone You Don’t Want To Defend. I first discovered this in working with abused women. They would unleash their anger and fear of their abuser to me. As a young therapist I would listen and try to take it all in. Some of the abuse was beyond comprehension. But as my style is interactive, I would eventually comment something like, “when in your relationship did Mike turn into a monster?” I would then be met with an explanation that he once was the love of her life. Or perhaps that he is a good father, or.......... I quickly realized that I was “making” the woman defend this creep by saying something negative about him. Then she missed her next appointment.
 
I quickly realized that it is a typical response to defend someone you know, especially family, when they are getting’ dogged. This is like some kind of involuntary reflex. The maddening part of this is, the person on the receiving end may be thoroughly disgusted by this person – and then they are compelled to defend them. Talk about making a person crazy! Angry ex-spouses do it all the time. Teenage girls talk smack about their friend’s friend with extreme frequency. How about your husband trashin’ your family? The examples are endless. They are also improper. Your wife is having a hard time with her mother? Learn to be sympathetic, and keep your trap shut. Don’t “make” her defend someone she’s angry at. Why would you? Help her out.
 
So Mister Friend, you may need to instruct your friend, Mr. U. Buzzkill to keep his opinion of your siblings to himself. I doubt if it was done with malice, but we can help our friends rise above their stupidity. Take a calm stand, speak up and save your friendship.

Hey John,
I was raised by a white, middle class family in a medium-size city. I am a college graduate and in a fairly successful business. I have had the opportunity to invest some of our savings into a few rental properties; and there lies my problem. I was raised without any form of prejudice. In fact, I found myself distancing myself from adult friends as they began to drop lousy racial bombs. I would have never tolerated my sons from using such hateful language. However, something is changing in me. All three of my rental properties are being rented by black families. Although not super expensive, these are not low rent duplexes. I am constantly appalled by the condition of my properties when they leave. My last renter (of 9 years!) left so much damage as well as crap behind; it is costing me $12,000 to fix it back up. Another renter left not only their broken furniture, but a garage stacked almost to the ceiling with junk. She even left bags of untouched groceries rotting on the kitchen table! You’ve heard “everything but the kitchen sink”? Another renter took the kitchen sink. I find myself beginning to harbor a dislike for blacks, and I don’t want to be like this. Any ideas?
Fuming in Ft. Worth
 
Dear Mr. Fume,
It sure might have been easier for you had you been born a bigot. Clearly however, that is not the case. I agree with you that you are indeed in a pickle. I used to harbor some degree of “slob prejudice” against the extremely poor. Plenty of low rent places look like junk. Trash in their yard, along with a broken down car or two. Grass and weeds to your knees, etc. Years ago when I was working for the public mental health agency, another counselor and I were sent to a woman’s home who was threatening suicide with some big scissors. We were obviously on the “poor side of town”. Her scared husband met us at the door and escorted us in. My partner and I settled her down, and sat and visited with the rest of the family. This house was so immaculate you could have eaten off the floor. The yard was equally as impressive. They wanted to offer us a coke, but the electricity had just been turned back on two hours before, so everything was still warm. I remember being quietly embarrassed that I had expected nastiness, and instead was greeted with extreme cleanliness.
I don’t know why plenty of people have no self pride or the proper morals to not hurt other people: in this case you. Obviously, as in my scissor case, it’s not only poverty. However, like you, I would seriously object to a group of people changing my world view. You are not asking me renting advice, of which I would be an amateur. So asking first month’s rent, last month’s rent and a substantial damage deposit seems unnecessary for me to mention. As would me suggesting requiring an occasional walk-through to keep renters on their toes. Professional background checks also seem a worthy investment. But enough renters’ advise, of which I have only limited experience. As with people I counsel who work with soul-sucking clientele, I will generally advise them to expand their people base, including socially. Pay attention to minorities who appear to be great human beings. Patient mothers in a store with nice children in tow are inspirational. Hard working men doing talented work are worth carefully noting. People you know, or knew back in the day that are memorable are reminders that not all minorities are sink-stealing slugs. My deceased friend Charles was likely the most talented child counselor I have ever met. I have not forgotten him or his example. Personally, if you are going to stay in the renting business, fight for your right to have your own view of life. You can seriously dislike dishonest people: one shithead at a time. Don’t let crappo people represent all of mankind. They only represent their own sorryass selves.

 
Hey John,
What do I do about my mother who is always late? No matter what’s going on: Thanksgiving, going shopping, having coffee, anything, she’s always 40 minutes late. I have tried everything I know of. I’ve left without her (a bad idea), begged her, stopped making plans with her, everything. I even offered to get her counseling. She went once and told me her counselor was 40 minutes late! What do I do? She really screws up the timetable of anything I want to do with her.
Counting The Minutes
 
Dear Ms. Minutes,
Please allow me to boil this down to its essence: “What can I do to change someone else?” And, to make matters worse, it’s your Mom. All of us are aware of the difficulty of making significant changes in our own lives. To force a change on an unwilling subject is likely to be met with frustration and a lack of success.
It sounds like you spend a fair amount of time with your Mom. I wish I had the opportunity to do the same. As it appears this is not a relationship-threatening issue, but rather an ongoing irritation, I make the following suggestions:
* Don’t tell your Mom you are doing this.
* Make your plans to deal with the handicap. If she was wheelchair bound, you would not plan a hike in the mountains. However, a wheelchair accessible outdoor activity might be great. If she was massively sight-impaired, the movie theater might not be enjoyable for her. She sure might enjoy a concert with the music of her choice though. Thus, with this “time-impairment” handicap, learn to make the adjustment. Consider secretly making the 40 minute adjustment for all of y’alls activities. She’s a lucky woman to have a daughter who spends so much time with her. Make it equally enjoyable for yourself by acknowledging her “issue” as a handicap rather than her lack of consideration. Enjoy your time together. Our lives together are fleeting.
 
 

Hey John,
My husband has really terrible oral hygiene. He has for all of our marriage. The first ten years or so it was ok because I love him, and he is a wonderful love maker. He still is, but I have become more sensitive to his gross mouth. Sometimes it’s like kissing a toilet seat, at least what I think it would be like to kiss one. Gross. But I truly love him. He is kind and generous, a hard worker, and like I said before, he’s a wonderful lover.  Any ideas?
Holding My Breath
 
Dear Breathless,
One of the (many) problems of bad oral hygiene is that to begin to improve, there is a degree of suffering involved. When I was working in residential treatment, the kids NEVER brushed their teeth. When I bought them super soft tooth brushes out of my disgracefully meager paycheck, we had a near bloodbath. Gums get soggy, and the rest is obvious. Consider showing him this letter of yours and offer a kind solution. Perhaps making back-to-back appointments for you both with a good dentist might alleviate a little fear. Let your dentist know ahead of time what the situation is. The new electric toothbrushes seem to be gentle but thorough. Brush y’alls teeth together morning and night. Maybe some rewarding him with good kisses after brushing might reinforce the new behavior. Defeating old nasty habits is a multi-year effort. I hope you can help him. If he isn’t motivated, I’d get a small face mask from your dentist (or other medical friends), draw some good lookin’ lips on it with your lipstick and tell him love making sounds great: just no more kissing. If I was a wonderful lover, I'd sure need to be able to kiss my girl. That would sure motivate ME.

 
Hey John,
Can you counsel cats? I'm just kidding. But it's about cats. My son, who is unreliable in keeping jobs moved in with me six months ago. His ex-girlfriend has custody of their son, but he has him every other weekend. Of course, that means I have him every other weekend, as my son still likes to party with his friends, and leaves four year old "Jason" with me. Then there are the cats. He brought his two grown cats with him, but they are mine to feed and everything else. John, I like cats- just not everyone else's cats. They claw my furniture, and when they are in a bad mood, urinate in various places in the house. Last month my son got a job in a town two hours away. He left the cats with me, as his new apartment is pet-free. I have told him I don't want the cats, but he gets angry with me and tells me if I won't keep them, I should just take them out back and shoot them because that's what the pound will do with them anyway. I'm in a fix. Any suggestions?
 
Cat Stepmom
 
 
Dear Cat mom,
The problem is that your son’s brain is infected with EntitlementMaximus, and you join the ranks of the Frustrated Unassertive. However, you need a solution, not a diagnosis. Entitled people feel like they deserve stuff not because they have earned it, but because they want it. And when they don't get it, it's someone else's fault, not theirs. A potential cure for him might be to ship him off to Calcutta and have him do volunteer work for a year. That seems, however, quite unlikely. It is extremely difficult to change someone against their will. It is possible though to change ourselves. Deciding on a course of action is step one. For example, telling him he now has exactly thirty days to get his pets or you must give them to the local humane shelter. Mark it on the calendar and make the appropriate plans to do it. Secondly and perhaps most importantly: NO BLUFFING. If you can't follow through, then do not say it. No threats, just action. If you are worried about how to deliver the news, you can preface the call with a compassionate statement such as, “I feel so badly to tell you this, but..." When he argues, be kind, but do not defend your position. You can simply repeat the order. Although the transition from unassertive to properly assertive is a bit unnerving for most at the beginning, it may be one of the most important improvements you will ever make. Take a deep breath, say a prayer (or whatever you do to strengthen yourself) and improve your existence.
 
 
Hey John,
Am I being unrealistic in my marriage? We have been happily married for eight years, have two children, and are talking about a third. I know our current and future years are not still the honeymoon period, but I find myself a little less happy than I thought I'd be at eight years. I am the center of our family, and "George" is a less enthusiastic person. He comes home from work and has less patience with the girls than he should have. I notice the kids gripping about each other in the same manner he does. We share chores better than most couples, and he's a good provider. However, he is less and less expressive about being with me. The lack of a warm greeting when one of us gets home is one example of a sad change. I don't need advice on saving my marriage, but making it better. Am I looking at our future: more and more drab? Despite it all, I still love him with all my heart.
Amarillo Annie
 
Dear Ann,
I have to make an assumption here: y'all planned on this marriage being forever, and not just until you bugged each other too much. When we first begin courting each other, all the special stuff comes effortlessly. Dressing up for each other, going out of our way to please the other, basically working to make the other person know how special they are to us. Then, as our life together progresses, we slip into normal/mindless mode. We stop greeting each other with a loving embrace and kiss, happily making little sacrifices for each other, in other words, we stop trying to impress each other. Years ago, when my daughter got a new(er) car, she had to make the transition from a standard transmission to an automatic. Rather than being pleased with the ease of driving, she expressed her concern: “Daddy, this is kinda boring. I don't know what to do with my left foot [the clutch] or my right hand [the gear shift] while I’m driving”.  It's the opposite order with our marriages. We're on automatic in the beginning by trying to make the other person happy. Then, later, we change to a manual transmission; we have to manually change gears with a little bit of effort. So what's the problem? If it doesn't come naturally, we don't do it?
So specifically I'd recommend having a kind sit-down with each other. Rather than tell someone what they are doing wrong, you can remind them of how much you look forward to seeing him, and you would love to be met with a loving kiss (even a light kiss is better than a wave from across the room). Don't be scared to lead the way. Sometimes we boys need loving reminders of how to take care of our girls. Without being overly demanding, help him to remember how to look out for you. He’ll probably need a tune-up or two on down the road. Plenty of older couples lead “normal” existences as pleasant roommates. Personally, I'd rather try to at least infrequently try to impress my girl and keep her in love with me.

Hey John,
I took a class with you a few years ago and one topic (among many) I remember you talking about was good parenting. Except I remember you saying there was a difference between good parenting and great parenting. My wife and I were divorced years ago, and I only had visitation of our kids. Looking back at those days, I think I was mediocre at best. But here we are, and I now have four grandchildren, three boys and a girl. The ages range from four to eleven. I feel like I have one last chance to finally do this right. Can you give me some ideas?
Former Class Member in Colorado
 
Dear Gramps,
One might argue there is a big difference between being a father vs. a grandfather, but I disagree.  Although our time with g.children is more limited than that of a parent, perhaps that makes the time we spend with them that much more important to do it right. As my g.parents were pretty much not a significant part of my growing up, I really didn’t understand the potential impact until I became a therapist. I have worked with a multitude of children and adults who were grieving at the loss of a grandparent. Some shared memories that were profound. Fortunately for me, this enlightenment occurred prior to me becoming a grandparent. So taking what know about great parenting and adding grand parenting to the mix, I will enumerate a few ideas of great parenting.
 
1) Be a great role model. This means you may have to improve some shortcomings in order to present yourself as a better person. Examples are a-plenty. Perhaps you grew up to be a semi-selfish man. It is your duty as a good role model to show and teach kindness and generosity to you children. You were a party hardy dude?  Now, as a father, you must present yourself as a well controlled man. It may not mean stopping alcohol consumption (etc., etc.), but it may mean no excessive use (and related behaviors) in the proximity of your kids. You got yourself quite a potty-mouth. Who wants their third grade daughter in serious trouble for droppin’ a M-F bomb on her teacher? Clean up your excessive cussin’ and enlarge your vocabulary. In other words, try to become the person you want your child to be.
2) Be your children’s entertainment director. You may only have your kids at home for a measly 20% of your entire life. In this brief period of time, what do you want them to remember about their life with you? Have you taught them checkers? Chess? Old Maid? You like sports? Teach boys and girls how to catch a baseball, shoot some hoops, bowl, play ping pong, etc. They may choose to not love a sport like you do, but at least you gave them some memories of having fun with their Dad.
3) If you have a special talent, expose your kids to it. You like photography? Give them a camera, give some easy instructions and take them out on a few photo excursions with you. BBQ man? Involve the kids on how to do it. Let ‘em burn a few hot dogs, then show them how to do it right. Then show them how to enjoy this culinary delight they created. What if you are a serious beer aficionado? How about teaching your kids the subtle differences between numerous root beers (a true story)? An artist? Who wouldn’t enjoy painting alongside their Dad? Throw in some fun instruction, and you have created an important memory and perhaps future skill for your children.
4) Train yourself that every situation, every event is a teaching moment. Coming in 45 minutes late for curfew is a great opportunity to calmly teach intelligent consequences. Reducing the curfew by 45 minutes for the next weekend is great teaching rather than just “getting even” for breaking the rules. Even though there are times we would like to ship our kids to Mars, intelligent discipline is a huge factor in teaching our kids right from wrong. Conversely, doing a good, age appropriate job deserves fatherly recognition. Always.
5) Take your responsibilities to take care of them seriously. Someone recently reminded me that a great Dad takes his child support seriously, even when it is a huge burden. And for those who have remained married, working as best we can to help provide for them shows them how a great father watches over his family.
 
This list has far more than five items. I invite everyone who has an idea to add to send me a note with further ideas I can include in the part two of this important subject. You can get me at JohnSommerCounseling@gmail.com
 
To all fathers and grandfathers, I say this: why settle for good if you can go down in your children’s lives as great? Great rocks.

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ESSAY DEALS WITH DRUGS IN A NC-17 MANNER. THIS IS A REAL DEAL, AND NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. IT'S PRETTY DIRECT.

Okay, here's the deal: I've been debating the origin of this essay. I am indeed a little weary and in need of a small vacation. However, I have lately had a slew of banged up teenagers who come from really shitty home environments. With mom in prison, she lives with eight other people at grandma's horribly managed house. Another kid who responded to my question, "do you ever have any meals together at the kitchen table?" said: "No. It's either in my room or on the living room floor watching TV. We don't have a kitchen table". So, when I worked with a father 25 years ago, and now his daughter has permanently lost her kids as she heads to prison, I penned an essay addressing this issue. Maybe it's a good idea to occasionally take the kids gloves off.


Someone came in last week and asked a rather intriguing question. They asked, “since you have been a therapist for so many years, is there stuff you know now that surprises you?”  I really have pondered that question and the answer is, unsurprisingly: yes. So how about if we narrowed down the inquiry to, “what’s the most shocking thing that you didn’t know before”?
 
Remember in the great movie The Sixth Sense when we observed the sick mother adding slow acting poison to her daughter’s food? What kind of screwed up human, mental illness or not, would do such a thing? In my forty years of counseling, I have yet to meet anyone suffering from Munchausen syndrome (purposely causing your child to suffer so that you get people’s sympathy). Personally, I believe it would be difficult to ignore the paternal instinct of absolute disgust and remain completely clinical with such a person. However, in retrospect, perhaps I have observed a close diagnostic cousin over the years. Because I have been practicing for so many years, I have had a family generational vantage point most therapists do not have. I am now in my third generation with some families. As such, with my more torn up families, I get to see a trickle-down effect of family dysfunction. The following example is a melding of a handful of situations.
 
He was in his early thirties when he was truly lost with methamphetamine. He was one of my first IV drug users. One harrowing story was when he did a shot so huge, he had to have a junkie companion hold the syringe and finish the shot for him. He was “pinned to my chair with electricity when two young teenage girls came in. While they were being escorted to the back to ‘trade’ for meth, I wanted to scream to them to stop. They had no idea how bad this gets. But I was helpless with my own huge shot, and couldn’t speak.” A year later I did my first (and only) 11pm emergency crisis with him at my office. I could see his extreme heart rate in the  carotid artery in his neck. I talked him down from his suicide plan, and he started to come back in for counseling. Over the years he has been in rehab (and did very well), later relapsed and took his marriage to the brink, saved his marriage with his sobriety, relapsed, got straight again, and I finally lost track of him. Who didn’t I lose track of? Guess.
 
Not unlike The Sixth Sense, he has spread his poisonous dysfunction to his three children. All three of his kids has been poisoned by “David”. His son is on probation and has lost permanent custody of his children, one daughter is in prison, and the youngest daughter I last saw with a broken nose, headed back to the abuser, and permanently depressed for having lost all three of her kids. For good. No one to celebrate Mother’s Day with again- ever. Is it genetics? Is it the toxic environment? Who really knows. Regardless, he owed it to his children to fight and defeat his love of meth, and to vigorously teach them how to fight their probable genetic predisposition for the love of altered states. So thirty years ago he was hammerin’ home a giant shot, and here we are thirty years later his personal needs have poisoned his kids.
 
So little “lost control of your drug (including alcohol) users”, picture this amazing scenario: your cute four year old daughter runs up to you when you arrive home. She wants a ride on your feet as you walk around the house. Walk with her back to your room and tell her you have a surprise for her! Help her roll up her shirt sleeve and give her a shot of meth. Her veins are small, so be careful! Just a little one, cause it’s going to take a while before she is big enough to do a bigger shot. Later, maybe at eleven or twelve, you can help to walk her into a friend’s back room and teach her about trading for her drug of choice. Bring a change of clothes for her. You don’t think that’s her life because of you? Are you serious? Of course it is. In this small town, I have an easy dozen of next-generation lost young people. You think it’s just about you? Of course it’s not. So here’s the options:
 
*Permanently repair your life. Rehab, 12-step, counseling, religion, on your own.... it doesn’t matter. You dedicate your life to changing the future of your children and grandchildren. You don’t whine, make excuses, slip up...... you dedicate your life to your children. Either do it or don’t do it.
 
*Teach them the skills they will need to combat their probable genetic weaknesses. Problem solving, stress and anxiety durability, and ability to handle suffering are all going to prove to be necessary skills to make them the improved generation.
 
*Model really good behavior, even if you have to pretend. If we intend for them to be better than us, we have to give them a picture of what that is. Never let your guard down.
 
*If you find you do not possess the paternal or maternal character to devote your life to your children, put your kids up for adoption as soon as they are born. All of them.
 
If you decide you do not love your children and just can’t improve your life, at least accurately picture the events correctly. As you take a hit off the dirty pipe (or pathetically drunkenly rage), vividly picture you putting four drops of poison in their milk every day. In this manner, you will kill them slowly. Kill their kids too. It would have been so much more humane to let a family adopt them when they were young. You should seriously consider that last option. However, I would rather fix my life and save my kids. I have never met an altered state I loved more than my children.

Hey John,
I have a complicated problem. Let me start by saying I do not intend to leave my husband. His mother’s (my MIL) life has crashed and burned. The aftermath of her recent forth divorce has left her with no long term place to stay. Thus, she has moved across the country to move in with my husband, me and our two young daughters. She is mean and my husband a wussy. A week after her arrival, she yelled at my six year old daughter, “what’s wrong with you? Are you retarded?” When I angrily complained to my husband, he replied, “Oh, she didn’t really mean it”. Last week at Bed, Bath and Beyond, I turned the corner just in time to see her stick something into her purse. My own MIL shoplifting! I told my husband I would NEVER take her with me to any store ever again. He didn’t say anything, but just walked away. How do I get this incredibly screwed up creature out of my house?
Freaking Absolutely Out Schwartz
 
Dear FAO Schwartz,
It can be a real curse to be massively unassertive. However, when we allow anyone to injure our children, there’s something much more serious going on. And, I must admit , I have an issue with parents who don’t protect their children. However, as a therapist, I try to remain as objective as I can.
 
We can sit here and try to diagnose the cause of hubby’s problem: fed bad formula instead of being breast fed? Terrorized by doodle bugs when he was ten? Daddy didn’t love him as much as he did the family gerbil? Who knows, and really, who cares? The facts, regardless of our diagnoses are that you got one bad woman for a MIL and a husband who is pretty worthless in sticking up for his family  (sorry to insult your previous taste in men). I am assuming that you have confronted your MIL in addition to complaining to your husband. As you are unlikely going to slip testosterone into his iced tea, my dear, you are on your own with protecting your family.
 
Consider  moving ½ of mutual bank accounts into a new account for yourself in case of emergency. Then inform the wuss-meister you are giving his bizarro mother thirty day notice. You both can seek out new living quarters for her, including damning one of his siblings with her temporary residence. Public housing may be an option. Perhaps enrolling her into a prescription drug trial in another state would be a benefit. She’ll make some quick bucks on that venture; and maybe some new drug would turn her into a human. In the event the black widow and the gummy worm do not wish to make a residence change, you may have enough to at least temporarily move out with your girls. Your “husband” may soon tire of cooking and cleaning up all by himself, and assist his mother in moving out. Once Mrs. Badness has moved out, please feel free to write again for an idea on how to seek some degree of happiness with you and the girls. As for your husband, change is always possible, but you’ve got to want it first. I hope he can learn how to be a husband and father. It’s a good existence to work to become a protective, devoted man to your wife and your children.

Hey John,
After a lot of suffering, my mother just died. She was only in her mid-fifties. I have a lot of mixed up feelings about her death. She knew she was COPD years ago, but she kept on smoking like a train. She really didn’t take very good care of herself, and now I’m without a mom. I am both angry and sad, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. My sister is mad at me because she says I’m not sad enough. My brother just stays drunk most of the time. How am I supposed to feel?
Lost Daughter
 
 
Dear Lost,
Early in my career,  I had a fella die who I did occasional business with and  I found myself half-crazy with my bizarre emotions. Sometimes I would not think anything about him for a while, then I’d feel guilty I hadn’t been mourning him. Other times I would be in the middle of a work project and almost “hear” a debate I’d had with him. I felt like I was losing a few of my marbles, so I went to go see my supervisor. When I explained that I was not grieving normally, he asked me what normal was. I responded, “Well, first I suppose I should be denying this whole event. Then I should probably be angry. Then I .......”. He interrupted and asked, “are you giving me Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief?” I wasn’t on purpose, but clearly I was doing just that. I laughed and agreed that I was. He asked me to describe my shifting emotions regarding Raymond’s death, and we discussed that for a while. After I left, I had a clearer picture of my sadness. I was grieving in my own private manner, and however I was doing it was “normal”.
 
Sadness / grief is an unpleasant place to dwell. Nonetheless, it is both an inevitable and important part of our lives. Grief is evidence that we have had a significant person in our lives. If God popped into your room and said, “I will relieve all of your great sadness, but in doing so, I must erase all memory of their existence from your mind”, would you do it? In a vast majority of cases, we would accept the sadness and keep the memories and experiences. Although it’s a whole lot easier to say this when I’m currently not going through it, suffering is an extremely important, and often times beneficial time in our lives. Rarely does a family member have the skills to act as a therapist. If you need to discuss this with another person, it sounds like your family would not be the ones to do it. A discussion or two with a decent counselor might be helpful. Although sadness sucks, I’m glad your relationship was significant enough to make your heart ache.
 
Hey John,
I have a job, no kids, and a shaky relationship with my boyfriend. I smoke meth, and he doesn’t like it. I say that I have a job and smoke meth, and so it is not affecting me in a negative way. Is it possible to use meth consistently AND productively?
Pam’s Pipe
 
Dear P. Piper,
My dear, if you will excuse the pun: you’re living a pipe dream. Because of increasing tolerance and simply just the nature of this drug, ♫There’s A Bad Moon On The Rise♪. Trouble is coming when you use some crappy, man-made chemical that has so many seriously bad qualities to it. Just because it is currently helping you through the day, it doesn’t mean it will continue to. In a short period of time, you will not be able to get through the day without it. Then it starts to make some long-term chemical changes in your body. Continued use without knowledge of the consequences is ignorant. Learn to add the energy to your life through consistent exercise, a well thought out diet and meth-free entertainment. The clock is tickin’ toots.

Hey John,
I have a question about my oldest son. He is a good child, helpful around the house, plays nicely with his siblings, good grades, kind and inclusive at school, etc. But when my husband or I try to instruct him on something, he gets uncomfortable sometimes to the point of tears. A simple example: we were all learning how to do push-ups (they mentioned doing them in gym class), I was correcting Johnny and little sister Jane’s form. Jane (5 years old) had no problem accepting the correction. Johnny started laughing, fidgeting, doing something goofy, etc. It isn't until you get firm with him that he will "listen" and even then you can tell it is painful for him to get corrected. He finally does it correctly then mumbles on his way out of the room “I did it right the first time”. This drives my husband nuts as he thinks he isn't being respectful and should be open to learning. I think Johnny has an issue with not being perfect and I am trying to figure out how to curb the anxiety when he doesn't get a 100% or do something right the first time. 
 
James would say that Johnny can't be a perfectionist because he doesn't work on something over and over to get it right. I don't think you need that to want to be perfect all the time. However, James is a huge perfectionist and I definitely used to be. Anyway, I am reaching out mainly because we want Johnny to be comfortable with learning new things and accepting criticism. Any advice you have would be appreciated!
 
What’s the primary focus here: wanting your child to be comfortable learning or “acting right”? Most parents I have worked with would be plenty aggravated when their kid appears to not be listening, then departs and mutters he did it right the first time. So is it perceived disrespect that is the issue here? As this appears to be your eldest child, the fact is that y’all have never entered into this part of the child rearing arena before. That being the case, we parents have much to learn as well. Remember going from nursing (or the bottle) to solids? How did that new digestion system like it? As I recall, it was a semi-painful (and stinky) transition. The same is true with most of these developmental steps. This is the beginning of learning how to learn. It’s another painful transition. We know as adults, to admit you don’t know something is a sign of strength and willingness to learn. As a kid, means you must be stupid or something. Remember not asking a question in class for exactly this reason? Take deep breath good parents; it’s ok to have some little boy ego issues with learning. Girls’ egos are easier to deal with than boys. Relax. Patiently teach, and regardless of their reaction, they’re learning. You want him to improve at learning? It seems appropriate that y’all lead the way.
ps: if we have some bad habits we do not wish for our children to learn, it’s best to either improve upon them, or hide them away. Over perfectionism comes to mind. Let’s keep these kids healthy, and raise them to be better than ourselves.
 

Hey John ,
I love to read advice columns, but yours is the first one that I've come across in which the advice really seems sound. I am desperately hoping you can give me some guidance.
 
My parents have been financially unstable since I was in my late teens. I worked and put myself through college, got married, started a family - the typical path. My husband also came from a financially irresponsible family, and we have worked our tails off to develop good financial habits and live within our means. We save for emergencies and it has not been unusual for either one of us to be working two jobs if we need to replace those funds after an emergency has come up. We're extremely worried about the financial situation my mother has placed herself in, however. 
 
My younger sister is an intermittent drug user throughout her life. Incidentally, she blames being illness on me - she says the fact that I scared/startled her repeatedly as a child caused her brain chemistry to become "off" and therefore I caused her problems. Her employment has been unstable. She would move in with my parents "just for a couple of months" and would stay for years, never contributing financially. My parents supported her son's needs (she did not pursue child support). Her son grew up and my parents insisted that she move out - she moved into the apartment complex where my mother worked, and then proceeded to quit her next job and threaten to kill herself if my parents did not pay her rent. Of course, they did. My nephew, her son, has been arrested multiple times for drug possession, and has fathered two children with another addict. My parents have cared for and paid all expenses for one of the children. The other was given to friends of the mother's sister who my nephew does not even know. My parents paid for the attorney fees involved with his arrests, court costs, replacement of multiple cars "so he could work" though my nephew has changed jobs about every two months and frequently takes a month or two off completely. My sister moved herself back in with my parents in their tiny apartment, sleeping on their living room floor, and storing all of her belongings in their living room. She stopped speaking to me when I told her it was unacceptable for a 40-year old adult to be sleeping on her parents' floor and that it was past time for her to get herself together. She decided that she wanted to be declared disabled, so she took a bunch of pills, then had her son take her to the hospital, so that she would be held in a mental hospital for a few days so that she could "let someone else take care of her for a while" because she says she is not equipped to care for herself. Then she didn't like it and wanted out.  
 
My parents have always been church-goers and have heard frequent teachings on being good financial stewards, but their codependent behavior has resulted in them running up multiple credit cards to pay for attorney fees, rent, cars, and child care for these two. My husband and I have begged for almost twenty years for them to get counseling, to get church assistance in correcting the situation, go to Dave Ramsey classes - SOMETHING. We have been worried that my sister and nephew would leave them wiped out financially and then expect us to foot the bill for them not being on the street, and we have repeatedly expressed this worry to my parents, but nothing has changed. 
 
My father passed away recently. My mother is 75 years old and is maxed out on credit cards, with very little savings and a leased car. She is living in a small house now that she cannot afford, with my nephew and his daughter. He is three months clean, but due to his record, has had difficulty finding a job other than waiting tables. He currently works two days a week and contributes nothing. My mom takes care of his daughter every day and weekend - free childcare. Although the birth mother has never had custody of the child, she collects child support that is taken from his sporadic checks and spends it on drugs. He's repeatedly reported this, but has been told that unless she willingly submits to a drug test, there is no proof and nothing they can do. My mother buys all the food, pays all the utilities. The little girl considers my mother - her great-grandmother - her mother, because her own other is so addicted to drugs that she rarely sees her. My sister has moved in with a boyfriend, and has been hired and released from temporary job assignments because someone always "has it in for her." She has not paid my mother back or helped her financially. She has not filed taxes in years, and has over $40K in student loan debt. She hides her car so that it is not repossessed. 
 
My mother met with her financial advisor yesterday, who bluntly told her that unless my nephew/sister pays $800 per month towards the expenses/what they owe her, she will be out of money and on the street in a matter of about 18 months. 
 
I'm sick to my stomach. My husband and I work very hard, but we have a family to support and we're not going to be able to pay my mom's expenses. What I see happening is that my mom will run out of money, my sister and nephew will dump her on me, she won't want to abandon her great-granddaughter, so she will want her to move in as well. It's like a train wreck that I've been watching come at me for 20 years, begging them to change direction, but they won't. We don't want this mess in our lives. We want to give our child a stable home and financially stable parents like we didn't have, but at the same time, we're not going to let my mom sleep on the street. 
 
Is there any way out of this for me and my husband? Thank you for your time and consideration.
Worried About My Mom
 
Dear Worried,
 That, my dear, is a mouthful. Lucky you for having turned out to be the white sheep in the family. However, it is a sad vantage point looking at so much rampant dysfunction in your birth family. Although your detailed account is different than most chewed-up families, you share one important inquiry: “what can I do to change other people?” Logically, we know that if making significant changes in our own lives is so difficult, forcing changes on someone else is typically futile- especially when they’re not asking for help. If you can’t affect their change, then how do you handle your own frustration and sadness? Limiting contact with really dysfunctional family members (or friends for that matter) is essential. Putting a hold on Facebook contributions of theirs is a first step. Limiting (not necessarily stopping altogether) texts or calls seems necessary in the same vein. I’d invite my Mom over as much as I thought was proper, and have a pleasant time together. She will most certainly need a role model for what a “normal” person is like. As years of lectures haven’t helped, perhaps merely love and kindness would remind her of what she may be missing in her own life. Will it help her to raise her standards? Maybe yes, maybe no. Is it the proper thing to do? Seems like it might be. Exposure to kindness can have a profound effect on someone.
p.s. I’ve been a therapist for a long time. As we are living in these here United States of America, I have yet to see a regular person tossed “into the street”. Though your financial fears for your Mom may be correct, the homeless /starving scenario is likely not accurate. Now, daughter, it’s your turn to be a good role model.  pss You and your nice husband need to start having some fun together. An occasional movie (theater), bowling, or a drive in the country helps to provide some balance in our hardworking lives. Work hard on behalf of each other too.

I swear I don’t thumb through my newspaper looking for something to complain about. I read “Ann Landers” and her twin sister “Dear Abby” since I was a kid, and kinda liked them. At the tender age of 24, I began my work as counselor because other than bowling and ping pong, it was something I was good at. Now, celebrating my 40th year as a therapist, I feel like I have some degree of expertise in helping others. Although I try to be on point, I know there have been times when I have been mediocre. However, mediocre is a million miles better than sucking in a giant way. Jeannie Phillips is the 75 year old daughter of deceased “Abby”. Why she has her photo when she was 42 posted I’ll never know. Still, a hundred year old pic is still way more understandable than her latest piece of advice. I do not wish to bore my readers with doggin’ this gal, but this screwed up advice is just screaming for a rebuttal.
 
To paraphrase: Dear Crabby, I am suffering from postpartum depression. I do everything for my kids, and my husband is making feel like I don’t do enough. I’m already out the door “before he even drags himself out of bed”. Then he makes me feel guilty about a number of things. “If I weren’t here, he’d have no clue as to what to do. How do I fix this situation”?
[Signed, Exhausted]
 
Crabigail suggests seeing a doctor so he can help her explain the problem to Mr. Lazybutt. But she concludes with this big bomb (rephrased, but still pretty accurate):  “if he doesn’t step up, you could blow your brains out and he could indeed be left with the sole responsibility of taking care of the kids”. That’s how you “fix this situation”? Yow! The exact quote is available on my public Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/JohnSommerCounseling/posts/971960859645800 (copy and paste if the link didn't work) just in case you need some kind of bizarro proof. Anyway, let’s help this rich ‘ol gal with a therapist’s take on the request for help.
 
Dear Exhausted,
You have self-diagnosed yourself with possible postpartum depression. Thus, I assume you have a recent addition to your family. From your description, it sounds like you are worn down to the bone, AND are suffering from a struggling marriage. In the event your self-diagnoses is correct, getting a medical opinion from a physician (a competent shrink would be better yet) who deals with depression would be wise. Additionally, you need some guidance from a professional who can perhaps be of assistance with your struggling marriage. If your unmotivated husband refuses to participate, you need some individual assistance. At worst, it’s an hour break with a good conversation with another adult. At best, you can get introduced to some stress/anxiety relief strategies, as well as some hopefully personal growth ideas. You have a lot of responsibility, and Mr. Lazybutt is making it harder yet. I hope that your husband shakes off his seemingly selfish behavior, and jumps to the rescue of his family. There is truly some relief to be had, but sometimes we need to be introduced to some new ideas. If it’s a solo venture, it’s time to ask qualified people for ideas and inspiration in order to help you and your children. In transcending your burdens, we not only gain personal relief, but we provide our children a cool role model of how to solve problems. As you learn, so will they.

Hey John,
A few years ago I was convicted of a felony and given five years probation. I had a tiny amount of hash with me, and because it is basically marijuana pollen, I believed it to be a misdemeanor if I was ever pulled over. Obviously I was wrong, but that is a separate story. I am writing to get clarification on the terrible voting laws of our state of Texas. I really wanted to vote in the last presidential election, as I have always considered voting an important feature of living in our United States. I was rudely informed at the courthouse that I was not able to vote due to my heinous illegal act. I almost started singing “Elected” by Alice Cooper to her, but I thought there might be a law against that too, so I didn’t. Was I a murderer? An arsonist? A serial child molester?  So I ask: what’s wrong with Texas? How long am I supposed to get punished for my mistake? Will I ever get to vote again?
Singing The Texas Voting Blues
 
Dear Alice,
I like that 1972 song as well. After all, it was the first election I was able to vote in. Oops. Sorry. I didn’t mean to rub salt in your Texas-sized wound. While I await a return call from my legal eagle consultant, I will tell you what I know. If you have been convicted of a felony, a person must wait five years after their probation or parole is completed before they may register to vote. I am not certain of the logic of this law preventing a person from voting if they received a felony conviction. Perhaps the author of this old law was getting even with a family member who broke the law. Who knows? However, if you received deferred adjudication it means if you successfully complete your probation, you never received a final conviction. Thus you may vote during your probation. As we know, once someone has “paid the price for their crime”, the punishment is supposed to be over. The Texas legislature apparently thinks differently. For a current version of this train of thought, please look up the Texas Surcharge. But, as you say, that is another issue. If you search by: http://www.fyi.legis.state.tx.us/Zip.aspx, you can locate your local Representative. Writing a brief request to have them re-visit the Texas voting requirements to allow a person who has been convicted of a felony to vote like a United States Citizen is a good start. A follow-up request in two months or so is also recommended. In the event your (our) efforts yield no fruit, when your time arrives, head down to the courthouse and register to vote. In this way you might be able to vote out of office people who you think are doing a poor job of watching out for their constituents. I hope you thoroughly enjoy your opportunity to vote.

Hey John,
Ever since the local election, I've lost some friends over differences in opinions on the    candidates. Now that the vote is over, how can I patch those bridges and be friends again? This messy little election sure makes my heart ache.
Rocky Mountain Spring Water Tears
 
Dear Springin’ Tears,
Your situation is not uncommon, unfortunately. Somebody runs for some kind of office, and somebody runs against. People line up on one side or the other, then become hyper-sensitive to their perceived opposition. There are a number of intellectual errors that often take place. The most obvious one is that people with strong feelings forget that they are expressing their opinion. Many folks mistake their opinions about candidate’s faults or strengths as undeniable facts rather than merely an opinion. When they are approached with an opposing thought, massive constipation begins. In order to avoid this problem, people generally surround themselves with people who think like they do. Then they can rant to an appreciative audience: liberal or conservative, gay or straight, vegan or meat lover, rich or poor, ad infinitum. As I have found that in this world of press-driven divisiveness, differing beliefs are seen as an attack rather an opportunity to understand the other person’s point of view. Just because I understand someone’s political stance does not mean I have to agree with them.
I have a life-long friend who feels very differently than I do on a number of political issues. We have agreed to keep politics out of our friendship. I have had to remind fine friend a time or two that our great friendship is politically neutral, and 45 years later, here we are, happy as clams. Looking back at the beginning days of our friendship, we liked each other’s company, had fun and shared plenty of common interests. I have no idea who she voted for in 1972, nor does it matter. Besides, logically, neither one of us is going to change the beliefs of one another, so why on earth get into a fuss? The mistake you and your friends made is to debate the candidate’s worthiness with friendship on the line. We are so trained to respond to what someone says that no one takes the lead in kindly refusing to debate a simple matter of opinion. In your case, someone needs to try to repair the unnecessary damage by taking the lead, and in so many words, lovingly agree to disagree. What’s more important, a friendship or who or what you voted for? If friends cannot mend simple fences, the friendship was pretty light weight from the start. Fortunately, we live here in the United States of America where we all get to have an opinion. Lucky us. I hope your hot headed friends feel the same.

Hey John,
I have three children. My husband and I both work. We used to have meals together, but now we usually eat separately. I keep the refrigerator and freezer full of food, so there's always stuff to eat, but now all the kids eat in their rooms watching TV. I'm feeling guilty about our lifestyle, as that was not how my family used to eat. What is your take on this?
Feeling A Little Sad
 
Dear Little Sad,
First of all, your signature says a lot. Obviously you are not happy with the arrangement. The "new" family is busier than in years past with both parents working, the kids in extra activities, etc. Or, because the kids are so dang picky, and you and your husband like tasty normal food, it is easier to have them eat their nasty little chicken nuggets first, and later the parents have their meal. So, is the 21st century family eating habits born of necessity or convenience? A long hard look might reveal convenience trumps necessity. There are a few things that eating together adds to our lives. How on earth will children learn proper manners if they have neither a role model nor instruction? Some conversation at the table is way better than only learning to watch TV while jamming food down our gullet. And the kids can remember what their parents actually look like. With all the stuff we all do, kid and adults alike, we spend less and less time with each other.
 
However, realistically, there are plenty of times eating together is impossible. Kids after school sports activities really screw things up. So does having to work late. If that is your reality, then plan on "supper nights" that everyone is expected to be in attendance. More than once a week is good. Additionally, some solo eating guidelines may be in order, such as:

• You may read while you eat, but all meals are to be consumed at the supper table. No more TV while you are eating.
• To insure some degree of nutrition, we now have a notebook on the counter. Everyone, including the adults needs to log in what they ate for their meal.
• We also will have a shopping list for you to add things you would like to eat.
• [Add your ideas]

 
Hey Feeling A Little Sad, you will blink your eyes, and the kids have moved out. You better get busy making some loving changes, as you are running out of time. Plus, then you can happily sing the Crosby, Stills and Nash song:  ♫Teach.... your children well.....♪
Bon appétit!

Hey John,
It’s the week after April 20th, you know: four twenty. A bunch of cities had a pot celebration. But here we are in backasswards, Texas where marijuana is still illegal. Do you think we’ll ever catch up with the rest of the U.S.?
Weed Hound
 
Dear Hound Dog,
As the marijuana lobby is not a wealthy and influential lobby, they do not possess the financial ability to influence the Texas State Legislature. As a result, my guess is that we will be one of the last states to decriminalize marijuana. Although it is politically incorrect to discuss moderation rather than strictly abstaining, let’s break the rules for a minute.  Obviously, from a health and performance standpoint, abstaining from marijuana use is the best choice. But, for the current user, let’s talk about moderation. As an example, it is possible to consume alcohol in moderation. Most people don’t drink simply because the opportunity arises. However, plenty of pot smokers consume their drug for exactly this reason. Adding to this temptation is the fact that  marijuana is less detectable than alcohol is. I suggest the “mentally change the drug to alcohol” test. I know some kids who light up on their way to school. Let’s change the drug to two or three shots of vodka. Would that help make the next eight hours of school easier? If it’s not a good time to drink, it’s not a good time to smoke. Marijuana is certainly not a performance enhancing drug. Like it’s legal counterpart alcohol, it’s a “party drug”. And, very much like it’s counterpart, once you lose control of your formally moderate use, you will almost never get it back.
So WeedHound, if you can’t control this drug, you will end up getting lost with it, or have to give it up completely. And, even with all of this to consider, remember two final notes. We are not supposed to spend most of our lives chemically altered. And don’t forget, due to the illegal nature of this drug, a conviction, even for a misdemeanor can permanently screw up our lives.

“Dear Abby” is actually the daughter of the original advice columnist, making her Dear Abby, Jr. So the issue at hand is a fairly recent letter to Junior approximately stating the question that, once again, deals with a woman and S-E-X. Crabby has shown an obvious bias (to put it pleasantly) towards a woman’s “right” to engage in most sexual matters, especially if the male may not approve. So allow me to paraphrase:
Dear Crabby, I’m an 18 year old female who has had a boyfriend for the last two years. Recently, he told me he needed to “find himself” and we broke up. The next weekend I went to a party and had sex with someone I didn’t know. Two weeks later my boyfriend asked me if I would take him back, and I said yes. Now I don’t know what to do. If I told him I screwed a stranger, he’d break up for good. But, if I don’t tell him, I’m worried he’ll find out from someone else. I don’t know what to do.   [signed]Deeply Concerned
And Crabigail’s approximate bizarro response:
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not obligated to tell him anything unless you have contracted an STD. If he can’t handle the truth, he’s not worthy of being your boyfriend. After all, he was the one who broke up with you.
 
Holy hotpants Crabbington! You are now this gal’s conscience guide? When a client comes in deeply concerned about something, to tell them “you have nothing to worry about” is useless. Remember telling our three year old child that there was nothing to be afraid of when they were going to bed? How did that work out for you? Additionally, you grossly underestimate the power of having sex. You may think it’s just another “thing to do”, but you are wrong. It is a powerful physical and psychological act that yields numerous consequences. Did ex-girlfriend do this to “get even” with the ex-boyfriend? Was she drunk at the party and regrets her diminished capacity? Did she want this to transpire and really had a great time? You assume the latter, but being as she expresses regret for the act, my guess would be it's one of the first two choices. Your “it’s a woman’s choice” position is not the issue here, in spite of your own freed self. This girl is asking for your help, and the best you can offer is, “don’t worry about it”? Perhaps you should occasionally consult with a counselor.
So re-reading her question above, here’s this therapist’s answer:
 
Dear D. Concerned,
I share your concern on a number of fronts. Mr. Boyfriend was lucky you took him back after he pulled the plug on y’alls long relationship. Still, I think you need to consider the stability of a relationship that ended so abruptly, then resumed. As I lectured Abby Jr., you also underestimate the power of sex. Having immediately jumped into the sack with a stranger, an STD check is absolutely essential. You will be instructed to have a follow up HIV check in the following months. As you do guilt about as poorly as I do, consider waiting until you have genuinely reestablished your relationship with Mr. Boyfriend (weeks? months?) and discuss it with him. Although he will rightfully be hurt, you both have screwed up your relationship. If you have a sound future together, it will include forgiveness.
p.s. Watch out for that alcohol at parties thing. Mistakes made during times of impairment can be life altering, and sometimes life threatening.

Hey John,
My teenage kids have come to live with me recently. Their mother was tired of their lousy behavior, so she shipped them off to me. Since they have arrived, I have a long list of offenses. The older girl is cutting school frequently, and my slightly younger son has been drinking, smoking weed and took my car without my permission. Two weeks ago they stole my mother’s credit card and ran up $700 worth of charges. I don’t want them to have a record, especially my daughter who is no longer a juvenile, so we just chewed them out. I feel guilty on a number of levels, as I was an out of control teen, and I am no good at discipline. I am lost and don’t know what to do. Is there anything that would help?
Was A Bad Boy Too
 
Dear BB 2,
Many of us, myself included, have had periods of our life that we were stricken with massive unassertiveness. The best some parents can do is yell empty threats to their offending children. The only thing that is accomplished by this is making the parent feel a tiny bit better by unleashing their anger. But that’s all it does. If I went to three classes, skipped the rest of the semester, and still got a B, why do you think I would ever go to class? The reality is, however, I would flunk sure as the sun will rise. No question. This is a tiny example of the accountability that we have been taught. The kids would seem to be lacking the basic premise of this. Whose fault? Who knows. However, they are now living with you. The only way I know to “instruct” a kid that stealing seven hundred clams is wrong is to teach them it’s wrong.
As this will be a new reality for them, it’s only fair to instruct them ahead of time that the rules of the game have changed. Any improper behavior needs to be dealt with, and there can be absolutely zero bluffing. A stolen credit card needs to be reported to the credit card company and the local police instantly. The same with a stolen vehicle. Next, go down to the school and see what they are planning to do about the missed days. Unless you learn to teach your children right from wrong, you have failed as a parent, and you are damning your kids to a probable life of sadness.
When I’m working with massively bad-behavior kids, I have to have some assistance from the parent(s) for me to succeed. You can’t just send them to a counselor to fix them without your help. I’ve seen bunged-up kids make amazing turnarounds, but not without help. Gang up with a counselor for ongoing instruction and assistance. Just because you are poor at discipline, it doesn’t mean you are beyond learning. Come on Pops, save your kids.

Hey John,
I am a recently recovering drug user. A few years ago I was with some “friends” who were transporting a large quantity of methamphetamine and they (we) got arrested. It was a miracle I was granted probation rather than the more likely ten years of prison time I was anticipating. I am currently employed and have a new girlfriend. We are living separately, but we are talking about me moving in with her and her four year old daughter. I know the normal route to continued sobriety is being in a 12 step program, but I just don’t like it. We are in a city large enough to have a lot of NA programs to choose from, and I have been to a number of them, and they still don’t click with me. I am grateful for my new life, and I want to finally succeed. Do you have any ideas for me about what to do to keep happy and drug free?
Loving Life
 
Dear Life Lover,
First off let me share my excitement and enthusiasm for your new life. As we both know, many people we know never get this opportunity to love the beauty of life. You are not only something of an exception, but you are also graced with an appreciation of this gift.
Early drug use is often a “boost” to life. Later, it mutates into a weird way of avoiding the negativities of our lives. Then it’s a catch-22: being strung out creates such great turmoil that people use to somewhat forget about this crappy life they’ve created. No one has the absolute solution to this super sad problem, but, as you have noted, genuine involvement in a 12-step program has a good percentage of success. However, as you stated you don’t do well with this program, you’ll need to find your own way. As I have a pretty lengthy background in recovery issues, I offer you the following suggestions:

• Be aware of the numerous and new “highs”. For example, being in love. How can we express our love and appreciation? The wonder of a child loving and trusting us? What cool things can you teach her? How about the extreme beauty of the change of seasons (except Texas summers of course)? Include indulging in local trips. Around here, we have a fabulous State Park, an Enchanted Rock and a Swinging Bridge, to name just a few. Get loaded on beauty and being amazed. It’s a cool high.
• Rather than run or escape from stressors, turn towards them and embrace them. Although suffering sucks for every single person, it is inescapable. In doing so we learn to be brave and problem solve. This is a tough one, as plenty of lost drug users (alcohol is obviously included) are extra-inclined to use in times of stress. Start viewing some suffering as painful but potentially enriching. A comparison would be hard physical workouts. They make you sore as hell, but the end result is a somewhat buffed up human. Suffering is an occasional workout for our heart and soul.
• Work at not becoming blasé at being amazed at the things you see and feel being straight: sixth month or sixth year. Recovering or not, my personal perspective is that in the 21st century of zombieland, many folks walk through life working, sleeping, texting, watching TV and going back to work again. In working at always trying to be amazed, we are so much more aware of the gifts we are constantly given. It’s the best high of all.
  

Hey John,
My husband, three daughters and I live in a fairly small house. A month ago, when I got home from grocery shopping, I found his unemployed brother, his dysfunctional girlfriend and their five month old baby moving into our house. When I called him at his job to ask what was going on, he told me he had to make an “emergency decision”, and didn’t have time to talk to me first. He said his brother had just gotten evicted from their trailer, and didn’t have anywhere to go. Now here we are, a month later and we are paying 100% of the bills, including food. Also, the older of my girls is really angry about this miserable living arrangement and wants to move out into a friend’s house. The only positive thing going on is that my brother in law just got a job with pretty good pay. What’s your take on this mess?
Steamin’ In Cold Country
 
Dear Steamin’Freemen,
Your husband was “inconsiderate” to not discuss this with you. I have other adjectives to describe such knuckleheadedness that may not print in a newspaper. It shows either major disrespect for his wife, or simply the common sense of an armadillo on the highway. It’s possible that he really needed to temporarily save his brother, but there are better ways to have brought it about. Consulting with ones wife is a slam dunk. Additionally, showing the proper sympathy and concern to your frustrated daughter may help to settle her down a little. The key note here is that the brother has found a decent job. You may wish to be extra charitable in volunteering some effort in helping them find housing. Even if they start with a small apartment, they can later move into a house that they can afford. You and your husband need to agree on a time limit for them to move out, and stick with it. By having a reasonably short time limit (two weeks to a month), you can give your daughter hope for her immediate future. I agree with the premise we need to be extra helpful to family. However, there are different levels of family to be served. My wife and children always come first.